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NEW  YARNS 


AND 


COMPRISING 


ORIGINAL  AND  SELECTED 


MERIGAN  *  HUMOR 


WITH    MANY 


LAUGHABLE   ILLUSTRATIONS. 


Copyright,  1890,  by  EXCELSIOR  PUBLISHING  HOUSE. 


NEW  YORK* 

EXCELSIOR    PUBLISHING    HOUSB, 
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Model  Business  Letters  and  Answers ; 

Lessons  in  Penmanship ; 

Interest  Tables ; 

Rules  of  Order  for  Deliberative  As- 
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Tables  of  Weights  and  Measures,  Stand- 
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Yar]Qs 


Jokes. 


A  Natural  Mistake. 


NEW  POLICEMAN—"  Oi'd  loike  to  see  yer  permit, 
Bur." 

SWELL  (puzzled)— "Permit?" 

NEW  POLICEMAN— "  Yis,  permit.  It's  agin  de  law 
fer  raasqueraders  ter  parade  de  streets  widout  'r 
permit.  Go  home  an"  take  off  de  duds  or  I'll  lock  ye 
up." 


A  Tough  Yarn. 

"TALKING  of  life  preservers,'"  said  the 
truthful  mariner  as  he  knocked  the  ashes  out 
of  his  pipe,  ' '  you  remember  the  old  steamer 
Roustabout  that  used  to  run  from  Buffalo  to 
Chicago?  I  was  mate  on  her  the  year  before 
she  was  lost.  We  were  about  sixty  miles  out 
from  Chicago  when  Mike  Lanigan,  who  was 
doing  something  up  on  the  mast,  fell,  struck 
on  his  head  on  the  roof  of  the  cabin  and 
bounced  clean  out  into  the  lake.  Well,  the 
captain  he  see  him  fall,  and  he  stopped  and 
backed  that  old  Roustabout  quicker'n  you 
could  say  'scat.'  Mike  went  down  like  a 
plummet,  for  he  was  knocked  insensible,  and 
I  know'd  there  was  no  use  to  heave  a  life- 
preserver  for  him,  so  I  jest  hurried  up  the 
boys  in  getting  the  boat  down,  although  I 
didn't  expect  it  'ud  do  much  good.  We  had 
Jim  King  on  board.  Passenger  from  Chicago. 
You  remember  Jim  King,  don't  you?  " 

"Can't  say  that  I  do, "remarked  a  by- 
stander. 


' '  Well,  Jim  was  champion  quoit-thrower 
in  them  days,  He's  dead  now,  poor  fellow, 
but  Jim  was  a  boss  on  throwing  quoits.  I 
tell  you  quoits  was  a  great  game  them  days. 
Every  village  had  a  quoit  club,  and  the  boys 
on  the  farms  used  to  throw  horseshoes  It 
was  something  like  baseball  in  these  times, 
although  I  could  never  see  so  much  fun  in 
baseball  as  I  could  see  in  a  good  game  of 
quoits. 

"Oh,  come  off,"  cried  the  impatient  listener. 
"What  did  Jim  do,  or  did  he  do  anything? 
Did  the  man  drown? " 

"Now,  don't  be  too  fly.  Who's  a  tellin' 
this  yarn?" 

"  Well,  you  don't  seem  to  be." 

"  Go  on !    Go  on  h"    said  the  crowd. 

"  Well,  you  know,  in  quoits  a  '  ringer  was 
when  you  put  the  quoit  around  the  stake.  It 
counted  double.  Well,  Jim  he  picks  up  the 
round  life  preserver — its  like  a  great  big 
quoit,  you  know — and  as  the  capp'n  came 
running  aft,  Jim  he  sings  out,  'Capp'n  I'll 
bet  you  $5  I'll  make  a  ringer  on  that  man  if 
he  comes  up  within  the  length  of  this  line. ' 
' '  Bet  you  $20  you  can't,  Wid  the  capp'n. 

' ' '  Take  you, '  said  Jim,  an;d  jest  at  that 
minnit  up  bobs  Mike's  head  about  sixty  feet 
astern.  Jim  threw  it,  and  I'll  be  durned  if 
that  life-preserver  didn't  go  plump  over  on 
Mike's  head  clear  down  on  his  shoulders,  and 
there  it  stuck.  We  got  down  the  boat,  and 
when  we  got  to  Mike  he  hadn't  come  to  yet, 
and  didn't  for  some  time  after.  He'd  been  a 
goner  if  it  hadn't  been  fur  that  ringer,  al- 
though it  took  the  skin  off  his  nose." 

"Did  the  captain  pay  the  $20? " 

"Pay  it!  You  jist  bet  he  did.  And  Jim 
he  handed  it  over  to  Mike,  and  Mike  he  blew 
it  all  in  when  we  got  to  Detroit,  1  wish  some 
of  it  was  here  now,  fur  I'm  mighty  dry. 
Thanks.  Don't  mind  if  I  do." 


Why  he  didn't  hold  on. 

AN  Irish  laborer  working  an  the  top  of  a 
new  six-story  building,  missed  his  footing, 
and  on  his  descent,  fell  across  the  telegraph 
wires,  held  on  for  dear  life,  and  called  for 
help.  One  of  his  fellow- workmen  attracted 
by  his  cries,  called  out  to  him  to  hold  on  to 
the  wire  till  he  got  a  couple  of  mattresses 
from  an  adjoining  house,  so  he  could  fall 
easy.  In  the  meantime  the  man  released  his 
hold,  and  fell  to  the  pavement,  and  lay  there  i' 
groaning  when  his  companion  returned,  and 
feeling  angry  at  his  not  doing  as  he  bid  him, 
said :  "  Ye  numskul,  why  didn't  ye  hould  on 
to  the  wire  till  I  come  back ! "  The  other  ono 
says,  "Begorra,  I  was  afraid  the  wires  id 
brake." 


Y--UINS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


Sullivana  vs.  Sylvio  Sylvesto. 

John  L.  Sullivan's  combination  while  on 
its  tour  gave  a  show  at  Kansas  City,  Mo., 
and  advertised  to  give  $1000  to  any  man  who 
could  stand  up  to  John  L.  for  4  rounds.  Mac- 
caroni  Spaghetti  sees  the  advertisement  and 
matches  his  friend  Sylvio  Sylvesto  against 
Sullivan.  He  tells  of  the  defeat  and  his  great 
loss  in  his  own  peculiar  way: 

"Well  you  see  we  re;;;la  in  the  paper  that 
the  Shamrocka  Sullivana  coma  here!  You 
know  the  Shamrocka  Sullivana,  the  fighta 
man  who  kuocka  everybody  out  with  a  onea 
punch.  Well  we  have  onea  stronga  Italian 
Boy,  oh  he  stronga  as  the  dev'.  Biga  de  inns' 
disaway,  biga  de  mus'  dataway  and  chest 
lik  one  elephant.  Well  I  go  to  Sylvio  and 
say :— Sylvio  you  fighta  the  Shamrocka  Sulli- 
vana? He  say  you  beta  sweeta  lifea  I  will 


I  introduce,  Sylvio  Sylvesto-Championltily" 
—then  everyonea  of  the  Italian  man,  clapa  da 
foot  and  stampa  da  hand  and  cry.  '  'Viva  la  Ital- 
ianno.  Knocka  out  a  Shamrocka  wida  onea 
Punch."  Thena  he  say.  "  I  introduce  Sham- 
rocka da  Sul'  champion  Ireland."  Then  evrry 
one  of  the  Irishman  clapa  da  toota  and 
stampa  the  hand — "Horoo  be  labors.  Killa  de 
banan'  wida  onea  punch. "  Then  purty  quick 
he  pulla  da  watch  out  of  his  poc  and  say 
time-"  than  they  come  up  to  the  fronta 
of  da  stage  and  shaka  da  hand  just  lika 
da  besta  frien".  Purty  quick  Shamrocka 
Sullivana  stand  lika  dis — very  nica  way  he 
stan'— everybody  lika  da  stand— Sylvio 
standa  lika  dis-^-everybody  no  lika  da  stand 
— Sylvio  he  spita  da  hand  deesa  way — he 
hava  two  biga  da  hand  lika  onea  bunch  a  da 
banan.  Purta  quick  Sylvio  maka  a  punchy 


fighta  for  my  countra.  Well,  I  taka  him 
home  wida  me  and  give  him  plenta  good  eat 
— maccaroni  soft  da  sheila  a  crab,  maka  him 
very  stronga  man — oh,  he  very  strong — biga 
da  leg,  biga  de  mus,  yes  biga  da  head.  I  sell 
onea  da  wag'  for  forty  dol' :  I  sell  onea  da 
horse  for  twenty  dol'  and  sell  anoder  wag'  for 
forty  dol' ;  dat  maka,  one  hundred  dol',  then  I 
go  to  brother  Lugi.  I  say  '  'Lugi  sella  da  pea 
nutta  stand  an'  banan'  stand  for  whata  you 
getta."  Well,  he  sella  da  stan'  and  puta  de 
mon'  upon  Sylvio  — Ver'  well;  de  mighta 
Shamarocka  come — Theatre  all  biga  crowd — 
very  mucha  excite.  Puty  quick  a  man  wida 
balda  heada,  his  nama  is — is — isa — Pattada 
Sheedy,  coma  outa  da  stagea — He  say,  gen- 
tlemena,  we  hava  a  threeta  fourda  rounda 
fighta,  gooseberry  marka  rules. 

Thena !  Shamrocka  Sullivana  he  sita  dat  a 
side  of  da  stage.  Sylvio  sita  dees  side  of  da 
stage.  Then  Patta  da  Sheedy  say  ' '  gentleman 


for  Shamrocka;  he  no  hita  de  Shamrocka, 
Sylvio  maka  noder  punch  a'  Shamrocka  he  no 
hitta  him  agan — Purty  quick  Shamrocka  go 
deesa  way — you  call  him  cutta  up  way — hitta 
de  Sylvio  onea  punch  knocka  him  downa — 
vera  quicka.  Then  I  jumpa  da  stage  and  go  to 
Sylvio  and  say  "Sylvio,  Sylvio  speaka  to  me" 
— he  no  speaka  to  me  I  speaka  to  him  threeda 
fourda  time,  he  no  still  speaka  to  me — 
Shamrocka  knocka  him  outa  wida  onea  punch 
— I  dhinka  he  killa  him — I  feela  vera  mucha 
bad,  I  nearly  go  craze.  I  loose  alia  my  mon' 
the  twoa  wag  and  onea  horse;  my  brother 
Lugi  loosa  da  peanutta  and  chestnuta  stand 

ana  feel  lika  cutting  Sylvio's  d throat 

wid  a  stilletto.  I  will  go  back  to  New  York 
and  try  to  geta  more  mon'  and  make  plenta 
mon'  with  da  organ'  and  da  monk,'  if  Mayor 
Granta  will  giva  me  a  permita  pape  to  play 
da  muse  and  showd  the  monk'. 

As  adapted  and  rendered  br  the  Popular  Humorist 
ME.  ALEX.  J.  BROWN. 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


Making  An  Impression. 


"  Gracious,  Mr.  Smith,  what  a  head  you  have  this 
r  orning!    The  boss  will  get  on  to  it  sure." 


III. 

"  I  don't  think  the  old  man  will  notice  anything 
-out  ot  the  way  now." 


He  Was. 

"Is  your  husband  fond  of  pie,  Mrs 
Fangle  ?" 

' '  Fond  of  pie  !  Why  that  man  is  a  regular 
Python  !" 


Laid  Over  One  Train. 

"  Put  down  Room  No.  52  to  be  called  in  time 
for  the  4 :30  train  in  the  morning, "  he  said,  as 
he  leaned  gracefully  over  toward  the  night 
clerk  of  a  Mississippi  hotel. 

"  Case  of  life  and  death  ?"  queried  the  clerk. 

"Why,  no;  but  I  want  to  get  to  Jackson 
before  noon.' 

"Hadn't  you  better  wait  for  the  9:30 
train  ?" 

"  What  is  it  to  you  ?" 

' '  Nothing  but  the  excitement  and  muss, 
and  I  shall  probably  have  to  testify  at  the 
Coroner's  inquest." 

"  I— I  don't  exactly  catch  on." 

"  Come  up-stairs,  please." 

When  they  had  ascended  to  the  first  sleep- 
ing floor  the  clerk  continued : 

"  This  is  room  No.  28,  as  you  see.  There 
are  five  bullet  holes  in  the  door.  Man  in  here 
last  week  wanted  to  be  called  for  that  early 
train.  Room  No.  30  has  seven  bullet  holes, 
but  those  stand  for  two  men.  This  new  piece 
in  the  carpet  here  is  where  a  man  fell  and 
bled  to  death.  Down  here " 

' '  But  who  kills  off  these  guests  ?"  asked  the 
traveler. 

"  Oh,  the  other  guests.  As  soon  as  the 
nigger  comes  up  and  knocks  and  bawls  out. 
Col.  Shaw  who  has  No.  32,  reaches  for  his 
shotgun.  Over  in  No.  29  Judge  Havens  slips 
out  with  his  revolver.  Major  Brooks,  who  is 
in  No.  33,  always  comes  in  a  good  third  with 
a  Derringer,  and  the  rest  of  the  fellows  along 
the  hall  are  always  more  or  less  well  heeled. 
We  don't  care  so  much  about  the  nigger,  as 
niggers  are  mighty  cheap  around  here,  but 
there  must  be  an  inquest  on  the  body  of  the 
white  man,  and — 

"Did  I  say  call  me  for  the  4:30  train  ?" 
queried  the  traveler. 

"I  believe  so." 

"Then  it  was  a  mistake.  I'm  in  no  hurry. 
In  fact,  I  like  Mississippi  in  general  and  this 
town  in  particular ;  and  even  if  I  get  away 
at  9 :30 1  shall  be  sorry  to  go.  Just  rub  out 
the  memoranda,  and  if  I  don't  get  up  in  time 
for  breakfast  you  needn't  mind  sending  a 
nigger  up  to  pound  on  the  door." 


The  Other  One. 

He  stood  at  the  corner  of  Sixth  Avenue  and 
Fourteenth  Street  with  an  anxious  look  on 
his  face,  and  when  the  right  man  came  he 
asked : 

"Shay,  mister  ?" 

"Yes." 

"  Whaz  this  up  here  ?" 

"The  elevated  road." 

"Shure?" 

"Of  course  I  am." 

"Good  !  Zhatletsme  out.  I  had  got  'er 
little  confused,  you  see.  Didn't  'zactly  know 
which  of  us  it  was.  Glad  to  find  'er  road  is 
plevated  and  I'm  shober's  Judge.  Always 
keen  shober,  my  boy.  Gooz  bi. " 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


The  Fat  Man's  Story. 

The  boys  had  been  looking  at  the  fat  man 
for  some  time  as  he  strolled  up  and  down  the 
depot  platform,  smoking  a  good  cigar  and  his 
face  wearing  a  look  of  contentment,  and  one 
of  them  finally  observed  that  it  was  a  good 
timj  for  him  to  tell  a  story. 

"Eh?  A  story  to  pass  away  the  time — cer- 
tainly" he  replied,  as  he  sat  down  on  a  bag- 
gage truck,  recently  painted  a  sky -blue  color. 

"You  must  'know,  gentlemen,"  he  began, 
after  getting  his  legs  crossed,  "  that  I  was 
not  always  at  the  head  of  the  leading  bank- 
ing-house of  Chicago.  No.  All  my  life,  up 
to  ten  years  ago,  was  passed  in  the  far  West, 
on  the  plains  and  prairies  and  among  the 
hills  and  mountains.  I  had,  as  you  may  sup- 
pose, numerous  adventures.  I  was  just  think- 
ing of  my  escape  from  a  prairie  fire,  but  the 
details  might  not  interest  you." 

"Oh,  yes,  they  will!"  we  all  cried  in  chor- 
us. 

"Well,  one  day  in  the  fifties  I  was  jour- 
neying across  a  Kansas  prairie  on  foot.  One 
morning  I  got  up  to  find  fifty  miles  of  tall, 
dry  grass  between  me  and  the  hills.  A  strong 
breeze  sprang  up  with  the  sun,  and  I  had 
scarcely  started  on  my  way  before  I  discov- 
ered a  great  smoke  to  windward.  The  In- 
dians had  set  fire  to  the  prairie  to  kill  off  the 
rattlesnakes,  you  know." 

"  By  George?  but  you  were  in  for  it!"  ex- 
claimed the  hardware  drummer  from  St. 
Louis. 

' '  Yes ;  I  realized  that  in  a  moment.  In  five 
minutes  I  could  see  a  billow  of  flame  to  wind- 
ward. It  was  at  least  twenty  miles  long,  and 
spreading  as  it  came.  It  was  coming  faster 
than  a  horse  could  run.  1  figured  that  it 
would  be  upon  me  in  five  minutes." 

"And  you  dug  a  hole  in  the  earth?"  queried 
the  glue  man  from  New  York. 

"  I  had  nothing  to  dig  with.  If  I  had  had 
the  proper  tools  the  time  was  too  short." 

"Then  the  wind  changed !"  put  in  the  Yan- 
kee notion  man  from  Cincinnatti. 

"Never  a  point.  As  I  stood  there  that 
great  ocean  of  flame  came  roaring  down  to- 
ward me  like  the  besom  of  destruction.  I  lost 
fully  two  minutes  before  I  got  to  work.  I 
could  even  feel  the  heat  of  the  fierce  flames 
scorching  my  flesh." 

'  But,  hang  it,  man,  you  escaped!" 

'  You  don't  show  any  scars  or  burns." 

'No." 

'Well,  get  to  the  point." 

'  I  will.  I  waited  until  the  flames  were 
not  over  a  mile  away,  and  then  I  took  my 
balloon  off  my  back,  pressed  the  button  which 
permitted  the  natural  gas  to  flow  in  from  the 
reservoir,  and,  taking  my  seat  in  the  chair,  I 
shot  up  into  the  air  about  five  hundred  feet 
and  let  the  flames  sweep  under  me.  One  of 
my  boot  heels  was  a  little  scorched,  but  that 
was  all  the  damage  done." 

4 Do  you  tell  that  for  truth?"  angrily  de- 
rmnied  the  starch  man  from  Oswego. 


"  The  solemn  truth,  gentlemen.  Our  com- 
pany is  now  doing  a  general  banking  and 
balloon  business — same  style  of  balloons.  We 
can  and  do  undersell  all  others.  Send  in  your 
orders  early  and  avoid  the  winter  rush. 
That's  all."— N.  Y.  Sun. 


He  had  Rheumaticks, 

I  stopped  at  a  cabin  stuck  away  in  the 
pine  forest,  about  five  or  six  miles  from  any- 
where, to  ask  for  a  drink  of  water,  and  find- 
ing the  man  in  bed  with  his  face  all  plastered 
up,  I  naturally  asked  if  he  had  met  with  an 
accident. 

"Oh,  no;"  replied  the  wife  as  she  handed 
me  the  gourd.  "  He  'un  has  done  got  rheu- 
maticks." 

"  Not  rheumatism  in  the  head?" 

"  Eeckon  it's  mostly  thar,  sah." 

"  I  never  heard  of  such  a  case,"  I  contin- 
ued as  I  approached  the  bed. 

"Howdy,  stranger!"  said  the  man  as  he 
sat  up.  "  Rheumaticks  like  this  are  pretty 
common  around  yere." 

"Why,  man,  you  have  been  pounded! 
Both  of  your  eyes  are  blackened !  You  don't 
call  that  rheumatism,  do  you?" 

"  That's  what  I  dun  call  it.  I  had  pains 
and  aches,  and  I  bought  two  quarts  of  moon- 
shine whisky.  Sim  Payson,  back  in  the 
woods,  he  had  pains  and  aches,  and  him  cum 
over  to  help  drink  it." 

'  And  you  got  drunk !" 

'  Reckon  we  mought." 

'  And  had  a  fight?" 

'Reckon  we  did." 

'  And  that's  what  you  call  rheumatism?" 

'  Stranger,  look  here,"  answered  the  man, 
as  he  got  one  leg  out  of  bed  with  a  groan, 
"kin  you  go  fur  to  dectar'  that  I'd  a  drank 
that  moonshine  firstly  if  it  wasn't  to  cure 
rheumaticks?  The  old  woman  and  me  hev 
figgered  on  it,  and  we  can't  get  it  to  cum  out 
right  no  other  way,  and  now  if  you've  got  a 
pipe  and  terbacker  I'll  stand  fur  you  agin  the 
hull  community  till  the  mule  lays  down." 


Would  not  take  the  Risk. 

"Is  this  a  fire  insurance  office  ?" 
"Yes,  sir  ;  can  we  write  you  some  insur- 
ance ?" 

"Perhaps  you  can.  You  see,  my  employ- 
er threatens  to  fire  me  next  Saturday,  and 
I'd  like  some  protection. " 


Of  its  own  Account. 

' '  Somebody  has  taken  my  revolver  out  of 
my  desk,"  said  the  religious  editor,  glancing 
around  the  room. 

"You  didn't  know  it  was  loaded,  did  you?" 
asked  the  snake  reporter. 

"No,  I  didn't  think  so." 

"In  that  case  it  probably  went  off  of  its 
own  accord.  They  always  do,  you  know, 
when  you  don't  think  they're  loaded." 


HEW  \ARNlS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


Lights  and  Shadows  of  the  4th  July. 


PlBST  VOICE— "Isn't  this  delightful  ?" 
SECOND  VOICE—"  Oh,  it's   too    lovely 


for  any- 


ItaBD  VOICE—"  I  dess  it'll  light  now." 


A  Grand  Display. 

She  Took  the  Cake. 
WOMEN  are  such  inconsistent  creatures. 
We  heard  a  young  lady  remark  (rather  inel- 
egantly, it  must  be  confessed),  that  she  hated 
"that  Biggs  fellow,  he  is  such  a  cake."  Well, 
4n  less  than  three  months  she  took  the  cake. 


What  A  "Woman  Can  Do. 

She  can  say  "No,"  and  stick  to  it  for  all 
time. 

She  can  also  say  "  No,"  in  such  a  low,  soft 
voice,  that  it  means  "  Yes." 

She  can  sharpen  a  lead-pencil,  if  you  give 
her  plenty  of  time  and  plenty  of  pencils. 

She  can  dance  all  night  in  a  pair  of  shoes, 
two  sizes  too  small  for  her,  and  enjoy  every 
minute  of  the  time. 

She  can  pass  a  display  window  of  a  draper's 
shop,  without  stopping — if  she  is  running  to 
catch  a  train. 

She  can  walk  half  the  night  with  a  noisy 
baby  in  her  arms,  without  once  expressing  a 
desire  to  murder  the  infant. 

She  can  appreciate  a  kiss  from  her  husband 
seventy-five  years  after  the  marriage  cere- 
mony has  taken  place. 

She  can  suffer  abuse  and  neglect  for  years, 
which  one  touch  of  kindness  or  consideration 
will  drive  from  recollection. 

She  can  go  to  church,  and  afterwards  tell 
you  what  every  woman  in  the  congregation 
had  on,  and,  in  some  rare  instances,  can  give 
a  faint  idea  of  what  the  text  was. 

She  can  look  her  husband  square  in  the 
eye,  when  he  tells  her  some  cock-and-bull 
story  about  being  "detained  at  the  office," 
without  betraying  in  the  least  that  she  knows 
him  to  be  a  colossal  liar. 

She  can  rumple  up  fifty  dollars'  worth  of 
dress  goods,  and  buy  a  reel  of  thread,  with  an 
order  to  have  it  delivered  four  miles  away,  in 
a  style  that  will  transfix  the  proprietor  of  the 
establishment  with  admiration. 

She  can — but  what's  the  use  ?  A  woman 
can  do  anything  or  everything,  and  do  it 
well.  She  can  do  more  in  a  minute  than  a 
man  can  in  an  hour,  and  do  it  better.  She 
can  make  the  alleged  lords  of  creation  bow 
down  to  her  own  sweet  will,  and  they  will 
never  know  it.  Yes,  a  woman  can  do  every- 
thing, with  but  one  exception;  she  cannot 
climb  a  tree. 


No  Further  use  for  Them. 

"Now,  then,  Jennie,"  said  the  bridegroom 
to  the  bride,  after  they  had  just  returned 
from  the  church  where  the  knot  had  been 
tied,  "  how  many  brothers  have  you  ?" 

"  Brothers  !"  exclaimed  the  bride  in  aston- 
ishment, ' '  you  know  I  haven't  any  brothers. 
I'm  the  only  child  of  my  parents. " 

"Oh,  I  know  that;  but  how  many  young 
men  did  you  promise  to  be  a  sister  to  before 
you  accepted  me  ?  Those  are  the  brothers  I 
want  to  know  about." 

' '  Well, "  replied  the  bride  smiling,  "  I  think 
I  must  have  about  half  a  dozen  brothers. " 

"  All  right.  You  just  drop  a  note  to  each 
of  them  and  tell  them  the  brother-and-sister 
business  is  all  off  now,  as  you  have  got  a 
husband.  If  they  want  sisters,  tell  them  to 
look  about  among  the  girls  that  are  single. 
I'm  all  the  brother  you  need  now." 


8 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


Pat's  Great  Hopes. 

Two  sons  of  Erin  one  day,  while  taking 
bricks  up  the  ladder,  boasted  of  their  respec- 
tive skill,  when  Michael  said:  "  Begorra,  Pat, 
hould  your  tongue.  I'll  bet  drinks  that  I  can 
take  ye  to  the  roof,  inside  me  hod." — "I'll 


take  the  bet,"  Pat  cried  and  getting  into 
Mike's  hod,  he  shouted  "Go!"  Then  Mike 
began  his  arduous  task,  and  at  last  reached 
the  top  and  dumped  Pat  on  the  roof.  '  Be 
gracious,  Pat,  I've  won  the  bet."  "Indade, 
me  boy,  ye've  nobly  won ;  but  when  we  wur 
half  the  way,  yer  foothold  slipped,  and 
Mike's  it  was  then  I  had  great  hopes.'11 

Better  Than  Pockets. 

It  was  in  the  Pennsylvania  depot  at  Jersey 
City.  A  man  who  had  been  half  asleep  on 
one  of  the  benches  for  some  time  suddenly 
roused  up,  carried  his  hand  to  the  breast 
pocket  of  his  coat,  and  then  called  out : 

"I  have  been  robbed!  Some  one  has  picked 
my  pocket !  " 

"  Have  much  money!  "  asked  an  old  _lady 
who  sat  near  him. 

"Over  $40." 

"  Sa^es  alive?  but  what  a  loss !  Sure  you 
had  it  when  you  left  home?" 

"Of  course  I  am!  " 

"Didn't  leave  it  under  your  pillar,  or 
change  your  coat? " 

"No!" 

"  I  noticed  you  feeling  around  your  coat 
tails  before  you  went  to  sleep.  Better  look 
back  there  before  you  give  it  up." 

He  carried  his  hand  back,  and  ten  seconds 
later  held  his  lost  wallet  up  to  sight.  He 
began  to  apologize  and  stammer,  but  she 
checked  him  with: 

"Young  man  you  orter  be  more  keerful, 
you  might  have  accused  me  of  stealin'  that 
money,  and  it  would  have  been  a  nice  thing 
for  my  church  folks  to  hear  of,  wouldn't  it? 
When  the  news  got  home  to  my  old  man  he'd 
been  so  kerflustrated  that  he'd  have  forgotten 
tc  feed  the  shoats  or  milk  the  cows,  and 


there's  no  knowing  how  he'd  have  got  along 
locking  up  the  house  and  going  to  bed." 

"  Oh,  I  shouldn't  have  accused  you,  ma'am," 
protested  the  man. 

"Wall,  I'm  glad  on  it,  and  being  as  this 
excitement  has  come  up  about  pickpockets  I 
guess  I'll  see  if  my  money  and  ticket  is  safe." 

And  she  reached  down,  slipped  off  a  calf- 
skin shoe  from  her  right  foot,  and  peered  into 
it  with  the  remark : 

"There's  the  ticket  and  there's  the  dollar 
bill,  and  I  hain't  been  robbed.  Jist  try  it, 
young  man.  Beats  coat  tail  and  all  other 
pockets  all  holler.  Got  to  stand  you  on  your 
head  to  git  it,  and  every  time  you  sot  your 
foot  down  you  know  it's  thar.  I've  carried 
seventeen  dollars  all  over  New  York  thai 
way,  and  got  out  alive  and  safe." 


"Where  Genius  Didn't  "Work. 

He  was  just  a  plain  tramp,  unadulterated 
with  soap,  says  the  New  York  Mercury,  and 
he  carried  over  his  shoulder  a  wooden  snow 
shovel  several  sizes  too  big  for  him.  He 
pulled  the  bell  in  a  business-like  way,  and 
when  she  opened  the  door  he  said: 

"Are  you  a  Christian?" 

"Ye'es"  (in  surprise). 

"And  do  you  believe  that  honest,  earnest 
endeavor  should  be  rewarded?" 

"Ye'es." 

"Heretofore  I've  had  a  large  and  lucrative 
practice  in  my  profession,  but  this  year  the 
elements  are  against  me.  I  know  there's  no 
snow  on  the  premises,  but  it's  going  to  rain 
this  afternoon  and  rain  hard.  Now,  I'll  come 
back  and  shovel  rain  off  your  sidewalk  for  a 
quarter  if  you'll  give  me  ten  cents  advance 
money.  Is  it  a  go? " 

"Yes,  it's  a  go,  "she  said,  as  she  slammed 
the  door  in  his  face. 

"And  they  say  that  genius  and  tact  win 
every  time,"  he  sighed,  as  he  shuffled  down 
the  stoop. 

Making  the  Composing  Boom  Howl. 

Two  printers  were  eating  their  midnight 
lunch :  Says  Sam :  ' '  Tom  have  you  got  youi 
take  up  ?"  to  which  Tom  replied,  "No,  but 
I've  got  my  coffee  cup." 

On  another  occasion,  Sam  took  umbrage  at 
some  remark  from  Tom,  and  he  sarcastically 
remarked,  ' '  Tom-ass. "  But  Tom's  ready  wit 
was  equal  to  the  occasion.  He  replied  "  Sam- 
mule.  " — Exchange. 


He  Could  Get  Along. 

"You  know  of  course  "  said  the  old  man  to 
the  young  man,  "that  my  daughter  has 
$100,000  in  her  own  right." 

"Yes,  sir." 

"And  you  are  not  worth  a  cent." 

"I'm  poor,  sir;  but  great  Scott,  $100,000  is 
enough  for  two.  Why,  I'm  economical  to 
meanness." 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


A  Sample. 


MRS.  BARLEYCORN—"  What  be  them  Jake?  " 
MB.  JAKE  BARLEYCORN  (reading  the  sign  and  ap- 
pearing very   wise)—"  Them     be    [speaking   tubes, 
Marthy." 

MBS.  BARLEYCORN  (doubtingly)—"You  couldn't 
make  me  believe  them  things  could  speak  till  I 
heerd." " 


VOICE  FROM  TUBE— "Go  away  from  there,  you 

moss  grown •  !     ! 

!    1    !    -" 


MB.  JAKE  BARLEYCORN — "Come  away,  Marthy. 
quick !  Them  'ere  tubes  'pears  to  have  been  learned 
to  talk  by  the  man  who  learns  all  the  poll  parrots." 


Working  Pete  In. 

"Can't  fool  these  'ere  railroads  much!* 
observed  the  young  man  on  the  seat  ahead( 
after  we  got  fairly  out  of  Mauch  Chunk. 

"  How  do  you  mean? "  I  asked,  suspecting 
he  had  a  story. 

"It's  a  good  one  on  the  old  man,  and  I'm 
dying  to  tell  it,"  he  grinned.  "I  live  about 
twenty  miles  below  here,  and  within  half  a 
mile  of  the  railroad.  One  afternoon,  about 
six  months  ago,  my  brother  Pete  got  hurt  in 
our  sawmill,  and  was  brought  home  uncon- 
scious. We  had  just  got  him  home  when  a 
neighbor  came  along  and  said  a  passenger 
train  had  been  ditched  at  the  crossing,  and  a 
good  many  people  hurt.  This  was  just  at 
dark,  and  Pete  hadn't  come  too  yet.  Soon  as 
the  old  man  heard  of  the  accident  to  the  cars 
he  scratched  his  head,  looked  Pete  over,  and 
then  said  to  me : 

"'Jim,  it's  wuth  trying  for.  We'll  take 
Pete  down  on  a  mattress  and  mix  him  in  and 
try  and  get  damages  from  the  railroad.' 

' '  I  was  against  it,  but  he  said  it  was  a  go, 
and  so  we  got  out  a  mattress  and  luggedPete 
down  to  the  crossing.  Four  or  five  cars 
were  off,  and  lots  of  people  hurt,  and  we  slid 
Pete  in  among  three  or  four  lying  on  the 
grass  and  groaning  to  kill.  It  just  happened 
that  one  of  the  railroad  attorneys  was  on  the 
train,  and  he  went  about  asking  names  and 
writing  'em  down.  By  and  by  he  came  to 
Pete.  An  edging  had  caught  in  the  saw  and 
given  him  an  awful  whack  over  the  head, 
and  the  lawyer  felt  him  over  and  asked : 

"  '  Do  any  of  you  know  this  poor  fellow? ' 

"  '  I  happen  to  know  him,"  answers  the  old 
man.  'His  name  is  Pete  Stay  nor,  and  he 
orter  git  a  thousand  dollars  for  this ! ' 

"At  that  minute  Pete  came  out  of  his 
snooze,  and  sitting  up  on  the  grass  he  looked 
around  in  a  dazed  way  and  yelled  out : 

"'Why  in  Halifax  don't  you  clear  that 
saw?' 

"  And  at  that  the  old  man  got  away,  and  I 
after  him ;  and  Pete  went  on  to  tell  all  about 
how  he  got  hurt,  and  to  wonder  how  he  got 
there,  and  we  had  to  sneak  back,  and  lug  him 
all  the  way  home. " 

"  And  what  did  the  old  man  say?"  I  ask- 
ed. 

"Say!  Why  there's  half  a  mile  of  road 
with  the  trees  blistered  on  each  side  of  it,  and 
he's  had  everybody  kicking  him,  until  the 
whole  neighborhood  is  hip  lamed  and  can't 
climb  a  door  step. " 


The  Fancies  of  Fashion. 

SMALLEY:  How  is  this,  Oppenheimer?  You 
had  this  same  suit  out  in  front  of  your  store 
labelled  "  winter  style  "  last  Christmas." 

OPPENHEIMER:    Vy  not,  mine  vriend?" 

SMALLEY:  And  now  you've  got  it  out  in 
front  marked  "summer  style." 

OPPENHEIMER:  Vull,  you  know  der  stylee 
vas  gonstantly  shanging. 


10 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


Getting  the  Wrong  Bull  by  the  Horns. 


Yotrvo  LADY  FROM  THE  CITY—"  Oh.  Mr.  Kornstalk,  is  it  that  white  cow  that 
gives  the  condensed  7nilk.'?" 

FARMER  KORNSTALK—"  Lor,  no,  Miss,  she  be  the  one  that  gives  the  ice  cream. 

The  Difference  Not  Very  Great. 

REPRESENTATIVE  REED  was  one  of  the  legis- 
lative committee  sent  to  inspect  an  insane 
asylum  in  Georgia.  There  was  a  dance  on 
the  night  the  committee  spent  in  the  investi- 
gation, and  Mr.  Reed  took  for  a  partner  one 
of  the  fair  unfortunates,  to  whom  he  was 
introduced ; 

' '  I  don't  remember  having  seen  you  here 
before,"  said  she.  "How  long  have  you 
been  in  the  asylum? " 

"Oh,  I  only  came  down  yesterday,"  said 
the  gentleman  as  one  of  the  legislative  com- 
mittee." 

"Of  course,"  returned  the  lady.  "How 
stupid  I  am!  However,  I  knew  you  were 
either  an  inmate  or  a  member  of  the  Legisla- 
ture the  moment  I  looked  at  you.  But  how 
was  I  to  know?  It  is  difficult  to  tell  which." 


"There,  Gol  Darn  You!" 
DEACON  Blank  of  the  town  of  Lee,  owned  a 
large  farm  and  hired,  among  other  hands,  a 
man  by  the  name  of  Jacob.  The  deacon  had 
bargained  that  Jacob  should  have  bread  and 
milk  for  supper  every  night,  but  took  good 
care  that  the  milk  was  first  carefully 
skimmed,  the  cream  for  the  cream  pot,  and 
the  skim  milk  for  Jake.  Jacob  ate  his  bread 
and  blue  milk  three  evenings  without  a  mur- 
mur. The  next  morning  the  deacon  was 
awakened  by  a  great  commotion  in  the  barn- 
yard. Looking  out  he  saw  Jacob  hanging  to 
his  best  Jersey's  tail  with  one  hand,  while 
with  the  other  he  belabored  her  with  a  bean- 
pole as  she  flew  around  the  inclosure. 

"There,  gol  dang  you, "said  Jake,  "don't 
you  ever  dare  to  give  another  drop  of  skim 
milk  as  long  as  you  live ! " 

And  the  deacon  took  good  care  that  she 
didn't. 


Modified  Maxims. 

NATE  SALSBURY  and 
Buffalo  Bill,  between 
the  afternoon  and 
evening  shows,  refresh 
themselves  with  such 
intellectual  feats  a  s 
modifying  old  -  time 
maxims  and  proverbs. 
Bill  will  enter  Sals- 
bury's  tent  hot  and 
dusty  from  his  equine 
and  shooting  perform- 
ance, throw  himself 
into  an  arm-chair  and 
exclaim : 

"  Nate,  I've  thought 
of  another.  'It's  a 
wise  dentist  that  knows 
his  own  teeth ! ' ' 

"Good ;  I've  got  an- 
other. '  Too  many 
broths  of  boys  spoil  the 
cook,'  and  'every  man 
is  the  architect  of  his 
own  misfortunes.'" 
Nate  replies. 

"They'll  pass;  but  this  is  better.  'Girls 
should  always  walk  on  the  sonny  side  of  the 
way, '  and  '  Beauty  is  sometimes  sin  deep. '  " 
"Appropos  of  that,"  said  Nate,  "I  think 
these  two  are  the  best  I  have  done.  '  Fools 
make  feasts,  and  wise  men  no  better  than  to 
eat  them.'  How's  that?  And  here's  one  I 
thought  of  to-day.  '  Man  proposes,  woman 
disposes,  marriage  composes  and  divorce  ex- 
poses.'" 


Better  Than  Cloves! 

COL.  Dick  Wintersmith  of  Kentucky  not 
long  ago  went  to  John  Chamberlin's  hotel  for 
breakfast.  He  indulged  in  beefsteak  and 
onions.  The  steak  was  succulent  and  the 
onions  were  crisp  and  not  greasy.  The  Col- 
onel enjoyed  the  meal  hugely.  After  swal- 
lowing an  extra  cup  of  coffee  he  called  for  his 
check.  It  amounted  to  over  $2.  He  protest- 
ed strenuously,  saying  that  it  was  an  out- 
rageous price.  John  Chamberlin  laughed  at 
him  and  offered  to  chalk  his  hat.  The 
Colonel,  however,  with  true  Kentucky 
hateur,  refused  the  favor.  He  paid  the  bill. 
Not  long  afterward  an  acquaintance  entered. 
Turning  to  the  Colonel,  he  said. 

"My  appettite  is  a  litle  off  this  morning. 
I  hardly  know  what  to  order  for  breakfast." 

The  Colonel  advised  him  to  try  beefsteak 
and  onions. 

"There  is  nothing  more  palatable,"  his 
friend  responded,  "and  nothing  that  would 
satisfy  my  appetite  so  well,  but  I  have  to  at- 
tend several  receptions  this  afternoon,  and 
I  am  afraid  that  the  onions  will  taint  my 
breath." 

"That  needn't  trouble  you,"  the  Colonel 
replied.  "Sit  down  and  order  your  steak 
and  onions.  When  you  get  the  check  for  it, 
it  will  take  your  breath  away." 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


11 


The  Story  of  a  Hot  Brick- 


It  Was  About  Time- 
A  Young  Aberdonian,  bashful,  but  desper- 
ately in  love,  finding  that  no  notice  was  taken 
of  his  frequent  visits  to  the  house  of  his 
sweetheart,  summoned  up  sufficient  courage 
to  address  the  fair  one  thus : 

;  Jean,  I  wis  here  on  Monday  nicht." 
'  Aye,  ye  were  that, "  acknowledged  she. 
'  An'  I  wis  here  on  Tuesday  nicht." 
'So  ye  were." 

'  An'  I  wis  here  on  Wednesday,"  continued 
the  ardent  youth. 

'  Aye,  an  ye  were  here  on  Thursday  nicht. " 
'  An'  I  wis  here  last  nicht,  Jean." 
'  Weel,"  she  said,   "  what  if  ye  were? " 
'  An'  I  am  here  this  nicht  again." 
'  An'  what  aboot  it,  even  if  ye  cam'  every 
nicht?" 

"  What  aboot  it,  did  ye  say,  Jean?    Div  ye 
no  begin  to  smell  a  rat? " 


A  Righteous  Fine. 

Magistrate  (to  prisoner) — You  are  charged 
•with  assaulting  this  man. 

Prisoner — Yes,  your  Honor.  He  called  me 
a  Mugwump,  but  I  didn't  thump  him  very 
hard. 

Magistrate — Ten  dollars  for  not  thumping 
liim  harder. 


He  Got  There  Just  the  Same. 

"Edith?" 

"Yes,  Tom?" 

"I— I  have  a  very  important  question  to 
ask  you.  And " 

"Yes,  Tom?" 

"Now,  don't  work  any  sister  racket  on 
me." 

"  What  is  your  question,  Tom?" 

"I — I — well,  the  fact  of  it  is,  my  name  is 
going  to  be  printed  in  the  local  paper  soon — 
in  the  local  paper,  down  next  to  "the  advertise- 
ment, don't  you  know ;  and  I  was  wondering 
whether  it  would  be  all  alone  among  the 
deaths,  or  with  yours  among  the  marriages. * 

"  Oh,  Tom !  ain't  you  cute?" 


The  Apology. 

In  an  affair  of  honor  between  gentlemen, 
one  man  was  sentenced  to  offer  an  apology 
for  the  affront  he  had  offered  to  his  peers. 
Being  a  Frenchman,  and  not  familiar  with 
the  English  language,  he  appeared  before  his 
judges  and  said:  "  Gentlemen;  I'aye  zaid  you 
are  the  vorst  old  fools  I'ave  zeen.  Zatis  true. 
I  am  under  zentence  to  offer  you  my  apology. 
[  am  very  zorry  for  it. 


12 


NEW   YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


In  Defence  of  his  Locality. 


Not  the  only  One. 

"My  friend,"  said  one- 
passenger  to  another  in  a 
railroad  car,  '  'excuse  me, 
but  is  that  liquor  you're 
drinking?" 

"It  is  that." 

"And  how  much,  may 
I  ask,  did  you  pay  for 
that  bottle?" 

"Fifty  cents." 

1 '  Fifty  cents !  I  never 
spent  fifty  cents  in  my 
me  for  liquor." 

"You  ain't  the  only 
one,  my  friend,  that 
sponges  for  his  drinks, 
but  you  ain't  going  to  get 
any  of  this,  you  bet !" 


Cou.d  see  It. 

"Hans,  why  don't  you 
get  married?  You  are  too 
particular;  just  go  out, 
shut  your  eyes,  and  put 
your  hand  on  the  first  girl 
you  meet,  and  marry  her. " 

"Mine  Gott!  vot  you 
dakes  me  for?  If  I  shoots 
mine  eyes  dot  vay,  I  vould 
shoost  as  like  ash  not  fall 
pfer  some  tarn  ash  parril 
in  de  street,  und  den  some- 
bodys  vould  gry  owid  I 
vas  dhrunk,  un  den-  — 
veil,  I  dond't  vant  to 
marry  sum  boliceman, 
mine  frent." — Judge. 

A  Confusion  of  Terms 
Stupid  Man :    I've  hired 


Albany  to  term  ''hayseeds,'  but  I  want  you  to  underatand  that  you  can't 
fool  us — not  by  a  colossal  majority. 


(making  his  maiden  speech  in  the  legislature)— •'  You  may        -w.-f   -/-   i 

think,  gentlemen,  that  my  constituents  are  what  you  are  pleased  here  in  :Oiy;: 

ilHonir  fr>   farm  •hat'eaoHc!  '  hilt.  T  wni't.  VClll     t.n    understand     that    VOU     Cant  btUpKl  Man   (CnthUSiaSt* 

ically);      Yes;    a    daisy. 
One  of  the  kind  that  you 


There  were  no  Flies  on  Him. 

They  had  just  begun  their  courtship,  and 
were  swinging  on  the  garden  gate,  beneath 
the  silent  stars  ;  and  they  were  silent,  too, 
for  they  were  yet  in  the  first  dawning  of 
young  love,  and  scarce  knew  what  to  say  to 
each  other.  The  silence  at  last  became  em- 
barrassing, and  she  said  : 

"I  must  go  in." 

"What's  your  hurry  ?" 

"Oh,  we're  just  like  fools,  swinging  here 
and  saying  nothing." 

"  I  don't  know  what  to  talk  about." 

"Well,  I  must  go  in," 

"Wait  a  moment.  Say  you  must  b«  aw- 
fully troubled  by  the  flies  in  summer  time." 

"I?" 

"Yes;  they  must  light  on  you  in  swarms." 

"Sir?" 

"  Because  you're  so  awful  sweet."  ' 

She  didn't  go  in. — Boston  Courier. 


can  take  anywhere  with  you,  and  hold  on 
your  lap  and 

[Conemaug  of  tears] 

Stupid  Man  (an  hour  later) :  But,  my  dear, 
it's  a  machine,  not  a  girl. — Omaha  World. 

First  Horse  on  the  Joker. 

Brown  (with  great  solemnity) — You're  the- 
very  man  I  want  to  see,  Smith.  I  was  over 
to  our  friend  Jones'  house  this  morning  and 
(dropping  his  voice  to  a  tragic  whisper)  I 
found  him — don't  breathe  this,  now,  to  a  liv- 
ing soul.  I  hate  to  mention  it  even  to  you, 
but  I  think  some  of  his  friends  ought  to  know 
of  it  and  save  him  if  possible.  I  found  him 
hitting  the  pipe. 

Smith  (smiling) — Yes,  I  saw  him  myself. 
It  was  that  long  pipe  from  his  hall  stove. 
Stimulants  on  you  ? 

Brown  (with  even  greater  solemnity^ — Yes, 
I  suppose  so. 


NEW  YAENS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


13 


Civil  Service. 

AN  Irishman  lately  landed  entered  the 
Mayor's  office  in  New  York,  last  winter,  and 
requested  his  Honor  to  give  him  a  political 
situation,  as  he  had  a  first  cousin  of  his  on 
the  police,  and  he  was  told  by  some  of  his 
friends  that  the  Mayor  could  appoint  him. 
The  Mayor  thought  the  best  way  to  put  the 
Irishman  off,  was  to  tell  him  he  would  have 
to  pass  the  Civil  Service;  so  the  following 
dialogue  ensued: 


Mayor. — "Well,  my  dear  man,  what  can  I 
4w  for  you?"  . 

Pat. — "Well,  sur,  I  come  here  to  see  if  you 
couldi/t  give  me  a  politickel  situation,  as  I 
understhand  that  you're  the  gintlman  that 
has  the  influence.  My  name  is  Patrick  Mul- 
ligan, Bur,  and  I  have  a  cousin  by  the 
name ' 

May  or. — "  Never  mind  your  cousin,  but  let 
me  tell  you  that  before  I  can  use  my  influence 
to  place  you  in  a  position,  it  is  necessary  for 
you  to  pass  a  Civil  Service  examination." 

Pat.— "Ah!  then  phat  is  the  Civil  Sar- 
vice?" 

Mayor — "  You  will  have  to  answer  the  fol- 
lowing thi-ee  questions  I'll  put  to  you ;  and  if 
you'll  answer  them  correctly,  I  may  be  able 
to  place  you. 

Pat.— "Well,  sur,  if  there  not  to  hard,  I 
think  I  can  answer  them. " 

Mayor— -'The  first  question  is:  What  is 
the  weight  of  the  moon?" 

Pat — "The  divil  a  know,  I  know. — sure, 
fiir,  I  couldn't  answer  that — question  at  all — 
at  all.  Couldn't  ye  give  me  somethin'  aisier 
than  that? " 

Mayor — "Well,  patrick,  I'll  try  you  on 
this  one:  How  many  stars  are  in  the  sky?  " 

Pat. — "Ah,  now — yer  poken  fun  at  me — 
how  can  any  man  tell  the  number  of  sthars 
in  the  skhey.  I'm  afraid,  sur,  I'll  never 
be  able  to  answer  any  thine  questions;  so 
I'll  be  biddin  ye  good  mornin  sur,  and  go 
look  for  somethin'  else." 

Mayor. — "  Oh-,    come    back,    Patrick,    I'll 


give  you  one  more  chance,  and  if  you'll 
answer  this  question  correctly,  I'll  forgive 
you  for  the  others.  Now,  what  am  I  think- 
ing about?" 

Pat— "Thinkin'  about?"  How  the  divil 
can  any  man  tell  phat  ye  politicians  are 
thinking  about.  Begorra,  I  don't  belave  ye's 
know  phat  ys're  thinking  about,  yerself. 
(Going  to  the  door  mad) — Good  day,  sur,  and 
good  luck  to  ye  and  yer  Civil  Sarvice. "  The 
Mayor  called  Pat  back,  and  told  him  not  to 
be  discouraged,  but  go  home  and  think  over 
the  answers,  and  come  down  in  a  few  days 
and  probably  he  would  be  able  to  answer 
them.  Then  Pat  went  home  rather  disap- 
pointed at  his  not  being  successful,  and  told 
his  brother,  Mike,  what  had  happened.  The 
brother  who  was  not  as  easily  discouraged  as 
Pat,  said  to  him :  ' '  now,  never  ye  mind ;  I'll 
fix  him — so  you  give  me  thim  clothes  uf  yers 
and  I'll  answer  his  questions  fur  him."  So 
Mike  called  down  to  the  Mayor's  office  the 
next  morning,  and  the  Mayor  recognized  as 
he  thought,  Patrick  Mulligan,  and  says: 
"Good  morning,  Patrick,  I  see  you're  here 
sooner  than  I  expected  to  see  you.  Are  you 
ready  to  answer  those  questions  I  put  to  you 
yesterday? " 

"  Yis,  yer  Honor,  I  am." 

"Well,"  says  the  Mayor,  "  the  first  ques- 
fion  is  the  weight  of  the  moon? " 

''Well,  sir,"  says  Mike,  "the  weight  of 
the  moon  is  100  pounds,  25  pounds  to  each 
quarther,  4  quarthers  make  100." 

"That's  very  good,  Patrick,"  said  the 
Mayor,  pleased  at  the  Irishman's  answer. 
"  Now  the  second  question  is  the  number  of 
stars  in  the  sky? " 

' '  Well,  sir,  there  are  one  billion,  sixty -six 
million,  four  hundred  and  seventy-two  thous- 
and an'  forty-fur. 

"Capital,  Patrick,  capital.  Now  look  out 
for  the  last  question,  which  is,  what  am  I 
thinking  of ?"J 

"Phat  are  ye'es  thinking  uf,  is  it?  Well,  I 
know  phat  yere  thinkin'  uf . " 

' '  Well,  Patrick,  tell  me  what  it  is. " 

' '  Ye're  thinkin'  I'm  Pat,  but  ye're  terriblj 
mistaken,  I'm  his  brother,  Mike." 


The  Modesty  of  Greatness. 

Do  you  expect  to  do  him  up? "  inquired  the 
sporting  reporter  as  he  took  out  his  note 
book. 

'•I'm  not  making  any  brags  about  this 
fight,"  answered  the  celebrated  pugilist  mod- 
estly. "I  leave  all  that  to  the  other  feller.  I 
don't  mind  tellin'  you,  though,  that  I'm  goin' 
to  paste  that  gol-blarsted  duffer's  nose  all  over 
his  face  inside  of  six  rounds  jest  as  sure  as 
the  sun  rises." — Chicago  Herald. 


Poor  Birds. 

YOUNG  WIFE — "I  wonder  the  birds  don't 
come  here  any  more.  I  used  to  throw  them 
bits  of  cake  I  made,  and " 

YOUNG  HUSBAND — "That  accounts  for  it." 


14 


NEW  YAXNti  AND  I-'ISNUX  ,/OA'h'S. 


His  Version  of  Bigamy. 

OLD  Israel  Mildew  had  been  arrested  for 
bigamy.  Upon  being  arraigned  for  trial  he 
protested  his  innocence,  but  in  the  course  of 
the  examination  he  made  some  rather  dam- 
aging confessions.  Pursuing,  however,  a  line 
of  reasoning  'wholly  without  the  law,  it  is 
not  to  be  wondered  at  that  his  explanations 
diil  not  coalesce,  so  to  speak,  with  what  the 
judge  considered  a  righteous  interpretation 
of  the  statutes. 

".You  acknowledge  this  woman  to  be  your 
wife,  don'^  you,  Israel? "  said  the  judge  point- 
ing to  a  rotund  wench  sitting  within  the 
court  railing. 

"  'Course  I  does,  Jedge;  'to  be  sartinly," 
responded  Israel,  letting  a  smile  slip  out 
between  the  ivories  that  inlaid  his  lips. 

"And  this  one?"  continued  the  Judge,  in- 
dicating a  sallow-looking  dame  just  back  of 
the  accused. 

"  As  ter  dat  one,  Jedge,"  replied  the  dark- 
ey, turning  about  to  contemplate  the  party 
of  the  second  part,  "I  tink  I  kin  prove  a 
alliby  in  dat  case  on  de  groun'  o'  britch  er 
promise.  Dat  woman  promise,  Jedge,  dat  ef 
I'd  aksep  ter  be  her  lo'ful  partner,  dat  she'd 
gi'  me  one  half  der  resects  ob  de  washin  bizi- 
ness  dat  she'm  inter,  but  Jedge,  we  warn't  no 
sooner  hitch1  dan  she  done  gib  up  de  bizness 
an'  begin  ter  sop  up  de  income  er  my  carpet- 
,  beatin'  perfession.  Dat  wiz  cl'ar  britch  er 
contrac,'  an'  'cordin'  ter  jestice  I  wuz  'nulled 
f 'om  de  'sponsibilities  er  der  same. " 

"  I'm  afraid  your  interpretation  of  the  law 
is  a  little  oblique,  Israel, "  remarked  the  Judge, 
scratching  his  ear  with  the  quill  he  held  in 
his  hand,  "but  will  consider  that  point  later 
on.  Now,  as  to  number  three,  this  lady  with 
the  pickaniny  in  her  arms,  has  she  any  claim 
to  membership  in  your  harem? " 

The  prisoner  struggled  to  his  feet  at  this, 
and  approachingthe  seat  of  justice,  bent  his 
head  so  that  his  Honor  could  contemplate  his 
bared  scalp,  and  answered  rather  pathetically : 

1 '  Ef  y er  calls  dat  de  hariem,  Jedge,  yer  kin 
see  jes'  what  sorter  rights  she'm  tuk  in  der 
premises.  Ef  I'd  a  tablernickled  wid  dat  cat- 
amount any  longer,  sah,  dey'd  been  playin' 
crokay  wid  my  top-knot  dese  many  days. " 

"  That  showing  makes  you  something  of  a 
claimant  for  sympathy,  to  be  sure,  but  it  nev- 
ertheless proves  you  to  have  been  matrimoni- 
ally pared,"  interposed  the  Judge,  with 
evident  departure  from  judicial  gravity ;  im- 
mediately recovering  himself,  he  continued : 
"  but  here  is  another  one  yet  to  be  accounted 
for;  how  about  this  lady  now  confronting 
you — do  you  deny  that  she  is  your  wife?  " 

A  gaunt,  wiry,  square-visaged  anomally 
here  threateningly  posed  before  Israel,  and 
with  bony  hand  outstretched  seemed  daring 
him  to  denial.  Israel  put  up  his  hands  and 
shrank  from  the  spectre  as  he  exclaimed : 

"  Jedge,  in  dis  case  dey's  what  de  law  'nom- 
inates palpertatin'  sarcumstanzas.  Dis 
woman  cum  ter  me  an'  sez  dat  she's  goin 
inter  de  bo'din  house  bizniz  an'  wants  me  ter 
'sply  der  premises  an'  do  de  managin'.  She 


toF  me  dat  she  wuz  a  po'  widder,  an'  wuk  so 
on  my  feelin's  dat  I  done  fo'git  myse'f  an' 
bleege  de  lady.  But  laudy  goodness,  Jedge! 
Debo'ders  dat  she  brang  wuz  fo'teen  chill'ens 
by  her  fus'  husban',  two  gran'mudders,  two 
gran'faders,  fo'  sisters  in  de  law  an'  a  few 
aunts  an'  onkles,  an'  I  'clar'  ter  sakes,  dey 
scrouge  me  outon  m'  own  cabin  so  dat  I  hat- 
ter sleep  in  der  dog  kannel.  Now  dats  big- 
germy  in  yearnest,  Jedge;  whar  a  shemale 
comes  along  wid  false  pertences  an'  makes  a 
man  marry  her  hull  perigee.  Ef  de  law  'lows 
dat,  den  I  hain't  a  blamin'  jestice  fer  wantin' 
ter  keep  a  bandige  ober  her  eyes  dat  she  can't 
see  sich  scan'lousness. " 

At  this  Sally  Number  4  sank  her  talons  into 
such  wool  as  remained  upon  the  summit  of 
Israel,  and  before  the  court  could  pronounce 
a  verdict  the  other  claimants  had  joined  in, 
the  attachment  and  were  struggling  for  as 
much  of  the  husband  as  their  prowess- 
could  secure.  But  for  the  intercession  of  the 
court  officers  there  would'nt  have  been 
enough  of  Israel  left  to  satisfy  the  demands- 
of  the  law. — WADE  WHIPPLE. 


The  Husband's  Commands 

First — I  am  thy  husband  whom  thou  didst 
vow  to  love  honor  and  obey ;  for  I  saved  thee 
from  old-maidenism  and  the  terror  of  single- 
blessedness. 

Second. — Thou  shalt  not  look  upon  any 
other  man  to  love  or  admire  him ;  for  I,  thy 
husband,  am  a  jealous  husband,  who  will 
visit  the  sins  of  the  wife  upon  followers. 
Therefore  keep  thee*  faithfully  to  thy  mar- 
riage vows. 

Third. — Thou  shalt  not  backbite  thy  hus- 
band, nor  speak  lightly  of  him,  neither  shalt 
thou  expose  his  faults  to  thy  neighbors,  lest 
he  shall  hear  it,  and  punish  thy  perfidity  by 
a  deprivation  of  sundry  items  such  as  bon- 
nets, dresses,  etc. 

Fourth. — Thou  shalt  purchase  cigars  for 
thy  husband  rather  than  ribbons  for  thyself. 

Fifth. — Thou  shalt  not  go  to  the  opera  or 
evening  parties  without  thy  husband,  neither 
shalt  thou  dance  too  frequently  with  thy 
"  cousin "  or  thy  "  husband's  friend." 

Sixth. — Thou  shalt  not  listen  to  flattery 
nor  accept  gifts  or  trinkets  from  any  man 
except  thy  husband. 

Seventh. — Thou  shalt  not  rifle  thy  husband's- 
pockets  for  money  when  he  is  asleep ;  neither 
shalt  thou  read  any  letters  thou  mayest  find 
therein ;  for  it  is  his  business  to  look  after  his- 
own  affairs,  and  thine  to  let  his  alone. 

Eighth. — Thou  shalt  conceal  nothing 
from  thy  husband,  nor  shalt  thou  make  false- 
representation  of  the  state  of  thy  pantry, 
thy  purse  or  thy  wardrobe. 

Ninth. — Remember  to  rise  early  in  the 
morning,  and  be  prepared,  with  becoming 
good  humor,  to  welcome  thy  husband  at  the 
breakfast  table. 

Tenth. — Look  for  no  jewelry  from  tny  hus- 
band on  the  anniversary  of  thy  wedding,  for 
it  is  written;  " Blessed  are  those  that  expect> 
nothing  for  they  shall  not  be  disappointed"' 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUN7NY  .JOKES. 


15 


The  Hatchet  nqt  Buried. 


VETERAN  IN  BLUE  —  "I  can't  be  mistaken.    Weren't  you  at  Gaines's 
Mill?" 

VETERAN  IN  GRAY—  " 

VETEBAN  IN  BLUE—  " 
hand-to-hand  conflict  ? 

VETERAN  IN  GRAY—  " 

VETERAN  IN  BLUE 


I  was." 

Weren't  you  shot  through  the  left  ear  in  a 
" 

I  was." 
I'm  the  man  who  did  it." 


He  had  Lost  his  Grip. 

A  middle-aged  man  with 
a  troubled  look  on  his 
face  stood  on  the  corner 
near  the  Central  depot 
and  attracted  the  atten- 
tion of  a  passer-by  who 
inquired : 

"Can  I  do  anything  for 
you,  sir?" 

"Stranger,"  said  the 
man,  "I've  lost  my  grip." 

'  'Oh,  brace  up, "  said  the 
other  in  a  cheery  voice, 
"you'll  get  hold  again  if 
you  push  in.  It  happens 
to  us  all  sometime  or  oth-« 
er." 

"I'm  afraid  I'll  never 
get  it  again,"  said  the  oth- 
er sadly. 

"Nonsense,  man.  Don't 
give  up  when  they've  just 
discovered  the  elixir  of 
lifif"  advised  his  friend. 
'  'Take  a  hold  again  like  a 
man." 

"What  air  you  talking 
about?"  asked  the  other. 
'  'I  lost  my  grip  with  four 
new  shirts  in  it,  a  new 
waistcoat,  a  pair  of  sus- 
penders, and  my  wife's, 
photygraft.  Just  give  me 
a  chance  and  you'll  see 
whether  I'll  take  hold  or 
nqt,"  and  he  walked  off 
with  a  suspicious  look  at 
his  late  adviser. 


Fanning  the  Flame  of 
Genius. 

FOND  MOTHER:  Well, 
my  pet,  did  the  great  dra- 
matic manager  say  you 
would  quickly  become  a . 
star  if  you  should  adopt 
the  stage  as  a  profession?" 

AMBITIOUS  DAUGHTER  : 
Well,  not  exactly,  but  I 
think  he  intends  to  engage 
me  for  a  new  domestic 
drama  of  some  kind.  He 
told  me  to  go  home  and 
learn  to  cook. 


His  Mind  Flees. 
WIFE    (sitting  by 


a 


VETERAN   IN   GRAY— "Well,    I've  been    lookin"  fer  you  fer  'bout 
twenty-seven  years,  you  mink-hearted  buzzard,  you !" 


stream  fishing,  while 
husband,  an  absent-mind- 
ed professor,  is  absorbed 
in  a  book)  :  I  believe, 
Thomas,  dear  something 
is  biting  now. 

HE:  Well,  scratch  your- 
self then,  dear  Sophia  ! 


16 


YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


The  Serenade 


'<..- 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FVNNY  JOKES. 


17 


The  Serenade. 


Seeing  Her  Off. 

Scenes  like  that  described  below  are  so  fre- 
quent that  the  traveling  public  will  recognize 
the  picture.  A  young  lady,  starting  upon 
some  short  journey,  is  accompanied  to  the 
train  by  half  a  dozen  of  her  feminine  ac- 
quaintances and  a  young  man  or  two  who 
have  come  "  to  see  her  off."  All  come  bust- 
ling into  the  car,  and  a  very  lively  and  inter- 
esting dialogue  ensues. 

'  Wish  I  was  going  with  you." 

'I  wish  so,  too." 

'  I  hope  you'll  have  a  real  good  time." 

'Oh,  I'm  sure  I  shall." 

'  Have  you  got  everything  ?" 

'Yes,  I  guess  so." 

'  Is  your  trunk  checked?" 

'Yes." 

'  You'll  write  to  me,  sure  ?" 

'Oh,  yes." 

'  And  to  me  ?" 

'Yes." 

'  Give  my  love  to  the  folks." 

'Yes,  I  will," 

'  And  mine,  too.  What  a  lovely  day  for 
the  trip?" 

'  Isn't  it  perfect?" 

'  Don't  you  want  the  window  up?" 

'  No,  I  guess  not.  Don't  forget  to  write 
often." 


"  No.  I  won't:  an'  you  must  do  the  same.** 

"Yes,  I  will." 

"Wouldn't  it  be  a  joke  if  we  got  carried 
off?" 

"Wouldn't  it?  Oh,  there's  the  bell?  Come, 
girls,  quick !  Good-by,  dear !"  with  a  kiss. 

Here  follows  a  hurried  chorus  of  goodbye 
and  kisses,  at  the  conclusion  of  which  the 
giddy  creatures  go  chattering  and  hurrying 
out  of  the  platform.  The  traveler  throws  up 
her  window,  and  they  say  it  all  over  again, 
screaming  their  "good-bys"  back  and  forth, 
and  throwing  kisses  and  fluttering  handker- 
chiefs as  long  as  the  train  is  in  sight. 


Now  the  Doctor  is  Paralyzed. 

ANXIOUS  MOTHER  :  I  am  so  glad  you  came, 
doctor.  Little  Johnny  dnd  nothing  but  rave 
all  night.  I  hope  his  brain  is  not  affected. 

DOCTOR:  His  brain  seems  to  be  normal, 
but  the  digestive  organs  are  slightly  para- 
lyzed. 

' '  That  is  very  strange.  I  asked  him  if  he 
had  eaten  anything  that  disagreed  with 
him,  and  he  said  he  had  not.  He  always 
tells  me  the  truth.  All  he  had  eaten  yester- 
day was  a  quart  of  chestnuts,  half  a  dozen 
pears,  some  apples,  a  few  grapes  and  a  water- 
melon. " 


IS 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


An  Invention  With  GooJ.  Points. 


MR.  DOWNTOWN—"  Good  gracious,  Joe  !  What  in 
thunder  have  you  got  on  ?" 

MR.  UPTOWN—"  Well,  you  know,  I  live  in  Harlem, 
and  go  up  on  the  elevated  train  every  night.  I've 
got  tired  of  being  crowded  to  death,  so  I  had  this 
suit  made.  I  think  I  will  Us.  'em,  eh  ?" 


A  Lay  of  Eggs- 

A  worldly  wise  egg  bearer  laid  a  nest  chock  full  of 

eggs. 
Then  raising  from  hereggery,  s^ood  erect  upon  her 

pegs, 
JEggs-ultingly  eggs- claiming  as  to  what  she'd  been 

about, 
While  Chanticleer  In  echo   said   "an  egg-cellent 

lay-out." 

"A   good  eggs-ample,"  Biddy  said,  "for  other's 

imitation." 
"  Eggs-actly,"  chorused  all  the  breed,  in  one  grand 

cackle-ation. 
Then  Chanticleer  broke  in  again,  with  shrill  "  Eggs- 

cel-si-or." 
In  cock-a-doodle   lingo,  heard    anear   and  known 

afar. 

And  then  again  with  flapping  wings  and  air  of 
eggs-ultation, 

He  eggs-ceeded  all  authority,  In  a  sweeping  eggs- 
clamation, 

Which  these  eggs-centric  lines,  in  rhyme,  but 
feebly  eggs-press, 

Said  that  his  egg  eggs-chequer  was  full  to  an  eggs- 
cess. 

Eggs-citedly  eggs-plaining  his  eggs-traordinary 
eggs-hibition, 

Eggs-plicitly  eggs-ulting  and  assuring  eggs-pedi- 
tion, 

In  eggs-tractlng  from  this  one  eggs-ert  an  eggs- 
citing  chicken  match, 

For  Biddy  in  eggs-pectancy,  would  eggs-plicate 
0nd  hatch. 

Then  they  went  to  counting  chickens,  thus,  one 

and  two  and  three, 
One  egg,  one  chick,  two  eggs,  two  chicks,  as  many 

as  may  be. 
But  Farmer  Brown  in  eggs-tacy  came  across  that 

eggs-tra  nest, 
And  eggs-tradited  all  the  eggs— the  reader  knows 

the  rest. 


Oklahoma  Hotel  Rules. 

Gents  goin'  to  bed  with  their  boots  on  will 
be  charged  extra. 

Three  raps  at  the  door  means  there  is  a 
murder  in  the  house  and  you  must  get  up. 

Please  write  your  name  on  the  wall  paper 
so  we  know  you've  been  here. 

The  other  leg  of  the  chair  is  in  the  closet  if 
you  need  it. 

If  that  hole  where  that  pane  of  glass  is  out 
is  too  much  for  you,  you'll  find  a  pair  of 
pants  back  of  the  door  to  stuff  in. 

The  shooting  of  a  pistol  is  no  cause  f  o»*  any 
alarm.  t 

If  vou're  too  cold,  put  the  oil-cloth  over 
your  head. 

Caroseen  lamps  extra;  candle's  free,  but 
they  musn't  burn  all  night. 

Don't  tare  off  the  wall  paper  to  light  your 
pipe  with.  Nuff  of  dat  already. 

Guests  will  not  take  out  them  bricks  in  the 
mattress. 

If  it  rains  through  the  whole  overhead 
you'll  find  an  umbrella  under  the  bed. 

The  rats  won' t  hurt  you  if  they  do  chase 
each  other  across  your  face, 

Two  men  in  a  room  must  put  up  with  one 
chair. 

Please  don't  empty  the  sawdust  out  of  the 
pillars. 

If  there's  no  towel  handy  use  a  piece  of  the 
carpet. 

Prepared  for  Contingencies. 

' '  There  are  several  champion  mean  men  in 
this  country,"  said  the  circus  agent,  "but 
my  champion  mean  man  lives  in  a  town  in 
Indiana.  If  any  other  State  can  match  him 
I'll  let  1,000  orphans  into  our  show  for  no- 
thing." 

"  Give  us  the  particulars,"  remarked  one  of 
the  group. 

"Well,  when  our  advertising  car  got  along 
there  last  season  the  men  wanted  one  side  of 
a  cooper  shop  to  display  some  of  our  finest 
pictures.  The  owner  wanted  $25  in  cash  and 
ten  free  tickets  for  the  privilege,  but  we  re- 
fused to  be  robbed.  He  finally  came  down  to 
$20,  then  to  $15,  and  we  offered  him  $10.  He 
said  he  would  take  an  hour  to  think  it  over, 
and  at  the  end  of  that  time  I  went  to  get  his 
answer. 

"'What  do  you  estimate  the  tickets 
worth? '  he  asked. 

"  '  Fifty  cents  apiece.' 

" '  And  I  can  sell  minel ' 

"  'If  you  wish.' 

.  "'Well,  you  see  how  it  is.  My  wife  is 
very  sick  and  liable  to  die.  If  she  lives  we 
can  use  two  of  the  tickets  to  go  to  the  circus. 
If  she  dies  I  can  use  one,  but  I'll  have  to 
give  the  other  to  my  sister-in-law  for  helping 
at  the  funeral.  That's  what  I've  just  agreed 
to  do.  Make  it  $10.50  and  ten  tickets  and 
you  can  have  the  shop.' 

"As  business  is  business,  I  agreed  to  his 
terms,  but  I  never  ached  harder  in  my  life  to 
give  anybody  a  good  licking." 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


19 


Brown's  Experiment- 


p/SK 
MARKE 


I. — MR.  BROWN — "I'm  tired  of  having  my  wife  go 
trough  inv  pockets  while  I'm  asleep." 


II.— MBS.  BROWN— *  Henry's  fast  asleep.    I  need  a 
little  money  to  go  shopping  to-morrow  -  -  " 


III.-" Help!    Murder!!    Police!!!" 


A  Novel  Dice  Trick. 

SEVERAL  young  men  were  in  a  South  End 
resort  recently  shaking  for  the  drinks,  when 
suddenly  one  of  the  fellows,  a  young  man 
who  is  reckoned  as  one  of  the  coming  lights 
of  the  political  arena,  said : 

"Let  me  take  that  dice-box  for  a  minute." 

It  was  handed  over  to  him,  and  taking  out 
four  of  the  five  dice  which  were  in  the  box, 
he  handed  them  to  the  barkeeper,  and  turn- 
ing the  box  on  one  end  placed  the  remaining 
dice  on  it,  and  taking  his  hat  from  his  head 
covered  the  box  and  dice  with  it. 

"Where  is  that  dice  now?"  he  asked  one 
of  the  men  stant^ng  about. 

"On  the  top  of  the  box,  of  course,"  was 
the  reply ;  ' '  that  is,  if  you  havn't  shifted  it 
since  you  put  the  hat  down." 

' '  I  have  not, "  said  the  young  politician, 
and  he  lifted  the  hat  again,  and  sure  enough 
there  sat  the  dice  on  the  box,  just  as  it  had 
been  before. 

He  sat  the  hat  down  again  and  took  his 
hands  away  from  it,  while  he  asked  the 
same  question  he  had  in  the  first  instance. 

"On  the  top  of  the  box,  of  course,"  repeated 
the  man  who  had  been  questioned. 
'You  saw  it  there,  did  you?" 
'Certainly." 

'  Would  you  bet  that  it  is  on  the  top  of  the 
box? " 

'  Of  course  I  would." 

'  I'll  bet  you  a  dollar  that  it  isn't  where 
you  say  it  is." 

"All  right,"  and  the  men  put  up  their 
money. 

The  first  man  lifted  the  hat  and  there  sat 
the  dice  as  before.  "What  did  I  tell  you?" 
exclaimed  the  second.  "I've  won.  There  is 
the  dice  on  top  of  the  box." 

"Hold  a  minute,"  exclaimed  the  young 
politician.  "When  you  come  to  think  of  it, 
wouldn't  it  be  a  rather  difficult  task  to  set  up 
a  dice  on  the  top  of  a  dice  box  when  there  is 
only  a  very  narrow  edge  to  set  it  on.  If  you 
will  look  very  carefully  you  will  see  that  the 
dice  is  resting  on  the  bottom  of  the  box  in- 
stead of  the  top.  I  guess  the  money  is  mine, 
Mr.  Stakeholder." 

"That's  so,"  exclaimed  the  other  man  who 
had  bet ;  "it  is  the  bottom  of  the  box,  isn't  it" 

"  It's  a  very  simple  catch,"  said  the  winner 
to  the  writer ;  "but  it's  sure  to  catch  99  out  of 
every  100." — Boston  Herald. 


The  Census. 

Miss  May  Ture— "  Are  you  going  to  give 
the  census  taker  your  real  age  when  he  conies 
round,  Fay?" 

Miss  Fay  Dedrose — "I  suppose  I  will  have 
to.  There  is  a  penalty  for  making  false  state- 
ments, I  understand." 

Miss  M.  T. — -'I  am  so  glad  the  census 
takers  are  men !  " 

Miss  F.  D.—"  Because  they  say  men  can 
keep  a  secret." 


20 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


Two  of  a  Kind. 

HE  w&«!  a  bnxkeman  on  a  train  of  one  of  the 
"L"  roads — and  had  an  impediment  in  his 
speech,  "  Twen-ty  th-ir-ird  stre-stre-street," 
eays  he,  as  he  put  his  head  in  at  the  door  of 
the  last  car. — A  passenger  who  also  stuttered, 
was  sleeping  at  the  further  end  of  the  car, 
jumped  up,  ran  to  the  door,  and  says  to  the 
,6rakeman:— "Sa-sa-say,  young  man,  le-le-let 
we  out  at  f  or-f or-f  o-f orty  se-se-sec-ond  street, 


will  you?1'  The  brakeman  gave  him  a  hard 
look,  and  slammed  the  door  without  answer- 
ing the  passenger,  who  returned  to  his  seat, 
and  fell  asleep  again  and  wasn't  awakened 
until  the  brakeman  opened  the  door,  and  cried 
out :  ' '  Harlem,  a-a-all  out. " 

That  awoke  the  passenger,  who  rushed  for 
the  door  in  a  rage,  and  said  to  the  brakeman : 
"  Wa-wa-wa  why  in  th-th -ma-ma  mischief 
da-da-did'nt  you  la-la-let  me  out  at  f o-fo-forty 
se-se-second  street?"  The  brakeman  turned 
around  and  says :  ' '  Just  be-be-becau- because 
you  made  f-f-fun  of  me." 


A  Cause  of  Coolness* 

"So  you  are  going  to  move,"  said  one  de- 
partment clerk  to  another. 

"  Yes ;  I  am  beginning  to  feel  very  lonesome 
and  unpopular  at  her  house." 

"What  has  occurred?  " 

"I  am  disposed  to  think  she  took  offence  at 
a  remark  I  made  about  a  chicken  that  she 
had  for  dinner." 

"  What  was  the  remark? " 

"I  wondered  whether  it  had  been  hatched 
from  a  hard-boiled  egg. — Washington  Post. 


Good  Enough  Reason. 

"Why  do  we  call  a  handcuff  a  bracelet?" 
asked  the  Commissioner  of  an  Irish  recruit 
at  a  recent  police  examination. 

"Faith,  bekase  it  is  intinded  for  arrist," 
replied  the  applicant,  and  he  got  the  position 
at  once. 


A  Jovial   Party  Where    One   Member 
was  Not  Present. 

WIFE  (with  solicitude  of  tone) — "It  must 
be  very  lonesome  sitting  all  by  yourself  at 
night,  balancing  your  books." 

Husband  (tenderly) — "  It  is,  my  darling." 

Wife — "I  have  been  thinking  about  it  for 
some  time,  and  now  I  have  got  a  pleasant 
surprise  for  you." 

Husband — "A  pleasant  surprise?" 

Wife — "Yes,  dearest.  I  sent  for  mother 
yesterday,  and  I  expect  her  this  evening.  I 
mean  to  have  her  stay  with  us  quite 
a  while.  She  will  take  care  of  the  house  at 
night  and  look  to  the  children,  and  I  can  go 
down  and  sit  in  the  office  with  you  while  you 
work." 

Husband — "The  dev — that  is  to  say,  I 
couldn't  think  of  you  going  down  town." 

Wife — "It's  my  duty,  dearest.  I  ought  to 
have  thought  of  it  before,  but  it  never  came 
to  my  mind  till  yesterday.  Oh!  John,  for- 
give me  for  not  thinking  of  your  comfort  soon- 
er. ButI  will  go  and  sit  with  you  to-night." 

Husband—' '  To-night !  Why,  I— I— the  fact 
is  I  got  through  with  my  books  last  night. " 

Wife -"You  did?  How  delightful!  And 
so  you  can  now  stay  at  home  every  evening. 
I'm  so  glad !  " 

And  the  delighted  wife  ran  off  to  make 
preparations  for  the  reception  of  her  mother, 
while  the  husband,  with  sombre  brow,  sat 
looking  at  the  picture  of  a  poker  party,  with 
one  member  absent,  in  the  glowing  grate. 


Killed  a  Lawyer. 

THE  lawyer  had  been  badgering  the  wit- 
ness for  some  time  and  finally  asked : 

"Was  any  member  of  your  family  ever 
hanged?" 

"Yes,  sir." 

"Ah,  ha!  I  thought  as  much.  Now,  sir., 
who  was  it? " 

"Myself." 

"Yourself?  Do  you  mean  to  say  that 
you  have  been  hanged  and  are  alive  to  tell  of 
it?" 

"Yes,  sir." 

"Come,  now,  no  trifling.  Tell  the  jury 
what  you  were  hanged  for  and  how  you  nap- 
pen  to  be  alive  to-day? " 

"Well,  sir,  a  man  was  killed  and  I  was 
suspected  of  having  committed  the  crime.  A 
mob  took  me  out,  put  a  rope  around  my  neck, 
and  had  just  hauled  me  up  to  the  limb  of  a 
tree,  when  some  one  in  the  crowd  shouted 
out  that  the  murdered  man  had  been  a  law- 
yer. They  couldn't  cut  <ne  down  quick 
enough !  I  was  filled  up  with  the  best  whis- 
key the  place  afforded  and  given  a  banquet 
as  the  greatest  public  benefactor  in  the  his- 
tory of  the  town. — St.  Louis  Life. 

' '  Do  your  boarders  loaf  around  your  par- 
lor in  the  evening?" 

"  No;  my  daughter  is  learning  to  play  OD 
the  piano.'' 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


21 


''The  Elevator— A  Farce." 


One  o'clock. 


One  minute  past  one., 


Twenty-four  hours  later. 

I  never  saw  a 


ASTEONOMEB— "  Good  Gracious ! 
comet  like  tnat  before." 


Something  in  the   Paper, 

SMITH — I  notice  that  Robinson  had  an  article 
in  the  paper  this  morning. 

Jones — Indeed !  I  didn't  see  it.  What  was  it  ? 

Smith — His  spring  overcoat.  He  was  tak- 
ing it  to  the  tailor  to  be  pressed  and  cleaned. 


He  Cometh  Not. 

VERY  early  yesterday  morning  an  in- 
dividual appeared  on  the  circus  grounds 
and  began  a  persistent  inquiry  for  Mr. 
Three-paw.  One  of  the  attaches  finally 
answered : 

"  What  sort  of  a  guy  is  that;  do  you 
mean  Forepaw?  " 

"Yes,  he's  the  man,  I'd  forgot  whether 
it  was  Three  or  Four-paw.  I  want  to  see 
him." 

"Anything  special?" 

' '  I  should  say  there  was.  We  used  to 
wait  on  the  same  girl,  and  I've  played 
with  him  a  hundred  times." 

"But  that  ain't  business." 

"Ain't  eh?  Well,  you  just  call  him 
out  here  and  see  how  quick  he'll  shake 
hands  and  offer  me  a  dozen  free  tickets. 
Old  Five-paw  isn't  the  man  to  forget  the 
friend  of  his  boy -hood  days." 

"His  name  is  Forepaw." 

"  Yes,  I  suppose  so,  but  I'd  forgotten 
whether  it  it  was  Four  or  Five-paw.  It's 
all  right,  though.  Call  him  out  and  see 
if  he  don't  call  me  Hiram." 

"But  he  isn't  here." 

"  But  he  orter  be.  What's  he  sending 
this  show  around  for?  Young  man  don't 
deceive  me." 

"He  isn't  here  and  won't  be  here  tili 
afternoon. " 

"Then  I'll  wait.     I  know  he'll  never 
forgive  me  if  I  don't,  and  I  don't  want 
to  hurt  his  feelings.     I'll  sit  down  right 
here,   and  when  Mr.   Three-paw  comes 
you    just    yell  '  Hiram ! '  and  see   what 
effect  it  will  have.     Yes,  I'll  wait.     He'd 
never  forgive  me  if  I  didn't." 
And  at  9  o'clock  last  night  he  was  waiting 
still.     > 


"What  would  the  "World    do  without 
Juries. 

"My  first  case  in  San  Francisco,"  said  At- 
torney James  K.  Wilder,  to  a  reporter,  '  'was 
the  defense  of  a  young  fellow  charged  with 
stealing  a  watch  belonging  to  a  Catholic 
priest.  I  was  appointed  by  the  court,  be- 
cause the  prisoner  said  he  had  no  money. 

"The  jury  rendered  a  verdict  of  not  guilty, 
and  as  the  defendant  was  leaving  the  court 
room  I  called  him  back,  and,  just  as  a  joke, 
handed  him  my  card  and  told  him  to  bring 
around  the  first  $50  he  got. 

"Next  day  he  walked  into  my  office  and 
planked  down  two  $20s  and  a  $10. 

"Where  did  you  get  all  that  money?  I  de- 
manded, as  soon  as  I  got  over  my  surprise 
enough  to  speak. 

"'Sold  the  priest's  watch,' he  replied,  as 
he  bowed  himself  out." 


ONE  FLESH. — Technial  phraseology,  equiv- 
alent sometimes  to  one  (or  both)  flesh. 


22 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


Queer  Jokes. 

A  LADY  noticed  a  boy  sprinkling  salt  on  the 
sidewalk  to  take  off  the  ice,  and  remarked  to 
a  friend,  pointing  to  the  salt: 

"Now,  that's  benevolence." 

"No,  it  ain't,"  said  the  boy,  somewhat  in- 
dignantly ;  ' '  it's  salt. " 

So  when  a  lady  asked  her  servant-girl  if 
the  hired  man  cleaned  off  the  snow  with  alac- 
rity, she  replied : 

"  No,  ma'am,  he  used  a  shovel." 

The  same  literal  turn  of  mind  which  we 
have  been  illustrating  is  sometimes  used  in- 
tentionally, and  perhaps  a  little  maliciously, 
and  thus  becomes  the  property  of  wit  instead 
of  blunders.  Thus  we  hear  of  a  very  polite 
gentleman  who  said  to  a  youth  in  the  street : 

"  Boy,  may  I  inquire  where  Eobinson's 
drug-store  is?" 

"  Certainly,  sir,"  replied  the  boy,  very  res- 


"  Well,  sir,"  said  the  gentleman,  after  wait- 
ing awhile,  "where  is  it?" 

I  have  not  the  least  idea,  your  honor," 
said  the  urchin. 

There  was  another  boy  who  was  accosted 
by  an  ascetic  middle-aged  lady,  with : 

"  Boy,  I  want  to  go  to  Dover  Street." 

"Well,  ma'am,"  said  the  boy,  "why  don't 
you  go,  then?" 

One  day,  at  Lake  George,  a  party  of  gentle- 
men, trolling  among  the  (beautiful  islands  on 
the  lake,  with  bad  luck,  espied  a  little  fellow 
with  a  red  shirt  and  a  straw  hat,  dangling  a 
line  over  the  side  of  a  boat. 

"Halloo!  boy,"  said  one  of  them:  "what 
are  you  doing?" 

"  Fishing,"  came  the  answer. 

"Well,  of  course,"  said  the  gentleman; 
"  but  what  do  you  catch?" 

"  Fish,  you  fool  I  what  do  you  s'pose?" 

"Did  any  of  you  ever  see  an  elephant's 
skin?"  inquired  a  teacher  of  an  infant-class. 

"I  have?"  exclaimed  one. 

"Where?"  asked  the  teacher. 

"On  the  elephant,"  said  the  boy,  laughing. 

Sometimes  this  kind  of  wif  degenerates  or 
rises,  as  the  case  may  be,  into  punning,  as 
when  Flora  pointed  pensively  to  the  heavy 
masses  of  clouds  in  the  sky,  saying : 

"I  wonder  where  those  clouds  are  going?" 
and  her  brother  replied : 

' '  I  think  they  are  going  to  thunder. " 

Also  the  following  dialogue : 

"  Halloo,  there?  how  do  you  sell  your 
wood?" 

"By  the  cord." 

"  How  long  has  it  been  cut?" 

"Four  feet." 

' '  I  mean  how  long  has  it  been  since  you 
cut  it?" 

"No  longer  than  it  is  now." 

And  also  when  Patrick  O'Flynn  was  seen 
with  his  collar  and  his  bosom  sadly  begrimed, 
and  was  indignantly  asked  by  his  officer : 

"  Patrick  O'Flynn,  how  long  do  you  wear 
a  shirt?" 

"  Twenty-eight  inches,  sir." 

This  reminds  me  of  an  instance  which  is 


said  to  have  occurred  recently  in  Chatham 
Street,  New  York,  where  a  countryman  wae 
clamorously  besieged  by  a  shop-keeper. 

"Have  you  any  fine  shirts?"  said  the 
countryman. 

"  A  splendid  assortment.  Step  in  sir.  Every 
price  and  every  style.  The  cheapest  in  the 
market,  sir." 

"Are  they  clean?" 

"To  be  sure,  sir." 

"Then,"  said  the  countryman,  with  great 
gravity,  "you  had  better  put  on  one,  for  you 
need  it." 


It  Pained  Him. 

JUDGE  Asphalt  Green  arose  to  a  question  of 
privelege.  Time  after  time  he  had  listened  to 
communications  in  which  the  colored  race 
was  referred  to  as  "coons,"  and  none  of  the- 
members  had  been  moved  to  object.  He 
could  hardly  pick  up  a  newspaper  without 
seeing  some  reference,  and  more  than  once 
he  had  heard  the  expression  used  on  the 
street  and  in  the  shops.  He  didn't  want  to 
be  captious,  he  said,  but  such  things  pained 
him.  He  hoped  the  club,  as  a  club,  would 
take  some  decided  action  to  express  its  deep 
displeasure. 

"Brudder  Green,  would  you  object  to 
being  called  a  fox? "  queried  the  president. 

"I  reckon  not,  sah." 

"Well,  dar  am  no  great  difference  between 
de  fox  an'  de  coon — not  'nuff  to  kick  about. 
It's  jist  a  habit  sartin  white  men  hev  got  into, 
dat's  all.  Dey  would  call  you  a  fox  or  'pos- 
sum or  woodchuck  jist  as  quick,  but  dey  dun 
doan  think  quich  'nuff.  I'll  spoke  to  'em 
about  it  an'  hev  'em  call  you  a  boss  or  a 
mule,  if  dat  will  relieve  your  mind. 

"But,  sah,  do  you  uphold  sich  conduct?" 
protested  the  judge, 

"No,  Brudder  Green;  but  I  ar'  keepin' 
quiet  fur  fear  of  results.  De  white  man  has 
got  a  mighty  long  head  on  him,  an'  if  he  was 
prevented  from  callin'  you  a  '  coon '  he'd  hunt 
up  sunthin'  a  good  deal  wuss  befo'  he  was  a 
day  older.  Sot  down,  jedge — sot  down  an' 
rest  your  back-ache.  You  hasn't  been  feelin' 
well  fur  de  las'  week,  an'  perhaps  this  change 
in  de  wedder  has  affected  your  mind." 


Not  Jealous. 

MRS.  LUSHLEY — And  there  you  were,  when 
the  policeman  found  you  at  three  in  the 
morning,  hugging  a  cigar  sign.  Oh,  it's  just 
awful. 

Mr.  Lushley — My  dear,  it  surely  is  not  pos- 
sible that  you  are  jealous  of  a  cigar  sign. 


Lucky  "Woman. 

MRS.  WICKWIRE— You  know  very  well  that 
your  cigar  bill  for  one  day  amounts  to  more 
than  all  my  incidental  expenses  for  a  week. 

Mr.  Wickwire — That's  just  a  woman's  luck. 
I  wish  I  could  get  along  as  cheaply  as  you 
can. 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES 


23 


Young  America  Still  Ahead. 


3. 


4, 

Give  the  Fly  a  Chance. 

"Good  many  flies  in  here,"  he  said  to  a 
shoemaker  on  Champlain  Street,  as  he  sat 
down  to  have  a  lift  put  on  the  heel  of  his 
shoe. 

"Yes." 

"Never  tried  to  drive  'em  out,  did  you?" 

"No." 

"Don't  want  to  keep  'em  on  the  outside,  I 
suppose?" 

"No." 

"Wouldn't  put  up  a  screen  door  then  if 
any  one  should  give  you  one?" 

"No." 

"  You  must  be  the  house-fly's  friend?" 

"  My  frendt,  I  vhas  sooch  a  man  dot  I  like 
eaferypody  to  get  along  all  right.  If  you 
pitch  on  some  flies  he  vhas  mad ;  if  you  gif 
him  a  shance  maype  he  goes  py  himself  und 
does  vhell  und  vhas  your  frendt." 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


The  Fall  of  Childe  Chappie. 


ii. 

Stay  there  ! 


"Sunset"    Cox's    Mysterious    Visitor. 

There  is  a  good  story  relating  to  the  late 
Samuel  Sullivan  Cox,  which  will  perhaps 
bear  repeating  at  this  time.  One  day,  years, 
ago,  just  after  an  election  which  had  gone 
against  him,  he  was  seated  in  his  study  when 
a  piece  of  pasteboard  embellished  by  a  rudely 
written  name  was  handed  in.  Notwithstand- 
ing the  forbidding  aspect  of  the  card  its  gaunt 
and  uncouth  six-foot  bearer  was  admitted, 
and,  without  preliminary  formality,  lifted  up 
a  heavy  voice  this  effect ; 

;  Your  name  is  Cox?" 

'  I  have  the  honor." 

'  S.  S.  Cox?" 

'The  same." 

'  Sometimes  called  Sunset  Cox?" 

'  That  is  a  sobriquet  by  which  I  am  known 
among  my  more  familiar  friends." 

'  You  formerly  resided  in  Columbus,  Ohi  ." 

'That  happiness  was  once  mine." 

'  Represented  that  district  in  Congress?" 

'  I  enjoyed  that  extinguished  honor,  and  T 
may  add  at  a  somewhat  early  age." 

"After  awhile  they  gerrymandered  the 
district  so  as  to  make  it  rather  warm  for  an 
aspiring  Democrat?" 

' '  You  have  evidently  read  the  history  of 
your  country  to  good  purpose,  my  friend. " 

"  Then  you  moved  to  New  York,  where  you 
stood  a  better  show?" 

"  Well,  my  friend,  your  premise  is  correct. 
I  did  move  to  New  York.  But  your  conclu- 
sion is  hardly  admissible  in  the  form  of  a 


necessary  sequence.  My  reason  for  moving 
to  New  York  was  not  wholly  political." 

' '  We  won't  discuss  that,  After  unsuccess- 
fully trying  the  State-at- large  you  availed 
yourself  of  the  opportunity  afforded  by  the 
death  of  Hon.  James  Brooks  to  move  into  his 
district?" 

"  I  moved  into  the  district  formerly  repre- 
sented by  the  honorable  gentleman  you  name, 
but  again  I  must  dissent  from  your  conclu- 
sions." 

"Let  that  pass.  You  were  elected  to  Con- 
gress from  Mr.  Brooks'  former  district?" 

"I  was.  But  let  me  remark,  my  friend, 
that  at  this  moment  my  time  is  very  much 
occupied.  Your  resume  of  my  biography, 
faulty  as  some  of  your  deductions  are  in 
point  of  logic,  is  deeply  interesting  to  me, 
and  at  a  time  of  greater  freedom  from  pres- 
sing engagements  I  would  be  glad  to  convass 
the  subject  with  you  at  length.  But  just 
now  being  unusually  busy,  even  for  me,  I 
must  request  you  to  state  the  precise  object 
of  your  visit  and  let  me  add  that  I  shall  be 
glad  to  serve  you." 

' '  I  have  no  favor  to  ask.  I  am  an  admirer 
of  yours.  I  always  vote  for  you  and  always 
want  to  do  so  if  I  can.  I  called  this  morning 
merely  to  inquire  if  you  had  selected  your 
next  district." 


we 


The  Mighty  Fallen. 

"He  had  returned  to  his  village  home  from 
a  trip  to  Washington,  and  that  same  evening 
he  appeared  at  the  drug  store  to  entertain  an 
admiring  audience  with  his  adventures. 

"Saw our  Congressman,  1  suppose?"  quer- 
ried  the  blacksmith. 

'  Of  course,  and  took  dinner  with  him. " 

'You  did,  eh?  By  George,  but  that  shows 
are  no  one-horse  folks  here!  See  the 
President?  " 

'  I  did,  by  special  appointment." 

'Shake  hands  with  him?  " 

'I  did." 

'  Ask  you  to  sit  down?  " 

'Yes,  sir." 

'  Seemed  to  be  glad  to  see  you? " 

'He  did." 

'  Stay  long? " 

'  About  fifteen  minutes." 

1  Ask  you  to  call  again?  " 

'He  did." 

'  Did  you  call  him  Ben? " 

'Why,  no." 

'  You  didn't  dare  call  him  Ben." 

'  Certainly  not. " 

'  Well,  that's  all  I  want  to  know  sir !  You 
own  the  grist  mill,  woollen  factory,  three 
stores,  and  the  tavern,  and  have  been  to  the 
Legislature  and  given  us  to  understand  that 
you  were  a  heap  of  a  feller,  but  you  hain't. 
You  went  down  to  Washington  and  sat  on 
the  edge  of  a  cheer  and  talked  to  the  Presi- 
dent, and  dasn't  call  him  Ben,  and  I  don't 
f oiler  you  any  further!;  Come  on  boys,  let's 
go  up  to  Church's  grocery  and  see  that  feller 
who  fit  seven  rounds  of  a  prize  fight  in 
Buffalo  last  week." 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


25 


At  the  Masquerade. 


And  now  'tis  twelve  o'clock,  remove  I  pray  that  mask 
which  conceals  I'm  sure  a  face  as  beautiful  as  I  know  its 
owner  to  be  charming. 


The  mask  removed. 


A  Natural  Inference. 

"  TALKING  about  dogs  of  keen  scent,  I  have 
one  that  will  compare  favorably  with  any  of 
them." 

"  Remarkable  dog,  eh?" 

"  I  should  say  so.  The  other  day  he  broke 
his  chain,  and  although  I  had  been  away  for 
hours  he  tracked  me  and  found  me  merely  by 
scent.  What  do  you  think  of  that?" 

"  I  think  you  ought  to  take  a  bath." 


The  Man  in  The  Bushes. 

THERE  were  eight  of  us  sitting 
on  some  cotton  bales  at  a  little 
railroad  station  in  South  Carolina 
waiting  for  a  train  which  wasn't 
expected  for  nearly  an  hour. 
Eight  opposite  us  was  a  strip  of 
forest,  and  presently  we  saw  a 
man  bend  aside  a  bush  and  sur- 
vey us  in  a  cautious  manner.  Ev- 
eryone saw  him,  and  yet  no  one 
offered  any  explanation  of  his 
presence  until  he  had  stood  there 
for  three  or  four  minutes.  Then 
a  woman  from  Arkansas  laid  aside 
her  snuff  stick  and  observed  : 

"Really,  now,  if  I  was  home  I 
should  reckon  that  feller  meant 
shute,  and  I  should  hurry  to 
make  myself  skass." 

"He  can't  wan't  to  shoot  us," 
replied  one  of  the  men. 

^' Guess  I'll  make  shore  of  that 
by  wakin'  him  up,"  said  a  Georg- 
ian, as  he  got  out  his  revolver.  Be- 
fore he  could  fire  there  was  the 
report  of  a  gun  behind  us,  follow- 
ed by  a  yell,  and  a  native  climbed 
over  the  bales,  gun  in  hand,  and 
started  to  cross  the  double  tracks 
He  was  not  yet  over  the  first 
when  there  was  a  shot  from  the 
bushes  and  the  man  in  front  of 
us  spun  around  like  a  top,  drop- 
ped his  gun,  and  fell  upon  the 
rails.  Then,  before  any  of  us  had 
moved,  a  second  native  came  out 
of  the  bushes  with  a  smoking  gun 
in  his  hands,  and,  as  he  bent  over 
the  figure  on  the  ground  he  laugh- 
ed. 

"Ha  !  ha  !  I  jist  dropped  at 
yer  fire  so  as  to  get  the  drop  on 
you  !  I  guess  you  won't  bother 
me  no  mo'." 

When  he  had  gone  we  went  to 
the  aid  of  the  other.  As  we  pull- 
ed him  off  the  track  he  strug- 
gled up,  reached  for  his  gun,  and 
looked  around  and  said  :  ' '  much 
obleeged,  but  tain't  nuthin'.  The 
onery  skunk  has  just  left  a  bullet 
in  my  shoulder  —  that's  all.  I 
thought  I  had  a  bead  on  him  but 
he  drapped  too  quick  fur  me. 
Any  of  you  all  got  any  terbacker? 
I  Thanks.  I  reckon  I'll  go  home 
and  have  the  old  woman  try  and  pick  this 
lead  out  with  a  darning  needle." 

Speak  to  Pa! 

The  maid  fell  overboard  one  day; 

The  boat  was  far  from  land ; 
Her  frenzied  lover  cried,  "  Oh  !  pray, 

Pray,  love,  give  me  your  hand !" 

The  maid  betrayed  no  silly  fear, 
But  murmuring  said,  "  Oh !  la, 

You  ask  me  for  my  hand,  George,  dear* 
You  first  must  speak  to  pa." 


26 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


Tale  of  a  Snake. 


± 

Hallo !  a  snake— but  what  workings.  Must  be  a 
variety,  strange  in  these  parts.  Is  it  now  tro- 
pidonotus  natrix— no,  may  be  it  is  Pelis  Berus— um 


Guess  I'll  secure  it  as  a  specimen,  and  study  it  at 
my  leisure. 


Ah— (But  the  chain  was  strong  and  the  naturalist 
escaped. 


A  Self  Sacrificing  Member. 

Not  long  ago  a  member  serving  his  second' 
term  approached  silver-haired  Breckinridge, 
who  was  conversing  with  Mr.  Crisp  and  Mr. 
Carlisle.  The  Western  man  somewhat  ab- 
ruptly interrupted  them. 

"The  Democratic  party,  gentlemen,"  said 
he,  "is  suffering  for  lack  of  leadership.  We 
are  not  having  fair  play  in  the  election  con- 
tests. The  interests  of  the  party  and  the 
country  demand  that  five  or  six  prominent 
Democratic  Representatives  should  take  the 
lead.  They  should  obstruct  business  by 
making  parliamentary  motions.  Above  all, 
they  should  make  the  most  powerful  speeches 
upon  each  case,  and  thus  arouse  the  coun- 
try. 

Six  of  the  most  prominent  will  do.  You  can 
put  me  down  for  one  of  them." 

"Yes,"  naively  replied  Mr.  Breckinridge, 
"but  the  trouble  will  be  to  find  the  other 
five." 


A  Virgin  Forest. 

"JUDGE"  Campbell  was  one  of  the  most 
popular  men  in  the  House.  A  more  genial 
and  obliging  gentleman  never  breathed.  He 
was  particularly  affable  to  new  members.  In. 
the  last  Congress  he  introduced  a  new  mem- 
ber to  Gov.  Gear,  who  represented  the  old 
First  district  of  Iowa.  The  Governor,  who 
is  fully  as  genial  as  the  Judge,  shook  hands 
with  the  now  acquaintance  and  said  :  ' '  oh, 
yes,  I  remen?ber  you  perfectly.  You  were  a 
member  of  the  last  House." 

"Oh,  no,  Governor,"  Judge  Campbell  re- 
marked, "  he  is  a  new  member.  You're  en- 
tirely off.  This  House  is  a  virgin  forest  to 
him.'" 

The  Representative,  who  overheard  the  re- 
mark, here  broke  in  with  the  inquiry ;  "What 
is  a  virgin  forest  ?' 

"A  virgin  forest,"  Mr.  Campbell  respond- 
ed, ' '  a  virgin  forest  is — i — s — of  course  any 
man  knows  what  a  virgin  forest  is — a  virgin 
forest  is ' 

Here  he  began  to  move  his  hands  as  though 
working  a  buzz  wheel.  "A  virgin  forest  is  a 
place — well,  it's  a  place  where  the  hand  of 
man  had  never  put  his  foot." 


"SISTER  told  me  to  come  in  and  talk  to  you 
till  she  found  her  hair,"  said  a  little  six-year- 
old  girl  to  her  big  sister's  beau.  "Do  you 
like  to  have  me  talk  to  you?  Sister  says  you 
sing  like  a  screech  owl.  Won't  you  sing  for 
me?  Sister  says— why  2  you  ain't  going,  are 
you?  Oh,  my  1  Won't  sister  be  mad,  though." 

A  LADY  wanted  her  little  girl  to  bathe  in  a, 
room,  the  windows  of  which  opened  into  a 
yard,  in  which  were  some  fowls  "  But. "said 
the  little  girl,  "I  don't  want  to  bathe  before 
the  chickens."  "0,  never  mind  the  chick- 
ens," said  the  mother.  "Well,"  said  the 
little  woman,  ' '  I  won't  bathe  before  the  roost- 
er, anyhow." 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


27 


Hanta  Klaus  Caught  in    the  Act 

A  CHRISTMAS  COMEDY  IN  THREE  ACTS. 


ACT  III.    Chorus— Ahl  Oh!' 


The  Alligator  Wouldn't  Eat. 

"Had  great  fun  the  other  evening,  "sajfc 
a  young  man.  ' '  Called  on  a  young-lad j 
friend  of  mine,  and  found  she  had  just  re- 
ceived a  little  bit  of  an  alligator  from  a  friend 
in  Florida.  The  young  lady  was  terribly 
worried  about  the  little  saurian — afraid  it 
would  die,  and  all  that.  Well,  I  knew  you 
couldn't  kill  the  reptile,  but  I  didn't  say  so  ; 
I  encouraged  the  young  lady  to  •worry  and 
feel  bad. 

"It  wants  eggs,'  I  said  ;  'that's  what  it 
wants — raw  eggs;  and  jou  had  better  hurry 
up  and  give  it  some. ' 

"  She  had  put  the  beast  in  the  basket.  I 
took  it  up  and  said  : 

"  'Why  haven't  you  got  some  cotton  in. 
here  for  it  to  sleep  on  ?' 

"  She  looked  scared,  and  said,  '  cotton  ?' 

"Yes,  cotton,'  I  said.  She  was  mightily 
alarmed,  and  hustled  around  and  found  a  roll 
of  cotton  which  she  loaded  into  the  basket. 
Then  she  got  a  saucer  and  a  couple  of  eggs 
and  broke  'em  and  put  'em  under  the  alliga- 
tor's nose. 

"  'They  must  be  beaten  and  made  frothy,'  I 
told  her. 

' '  So  she  did  that.  But  it  wouldn't  eat  any 
more  than  before,  of  course.  I  flopped  the 
little  beast  over  into  the  egg  and  smeared  it 
all  over  with  the  batter,  and  it  got  so  scared 
that  it  jumped  around  in  the  cotton  and  got 
tangled  up.  You  know  egg-paste  is  great 
stuff  for  sticking. 

' '  Then  I  told  her  to  take  the  cotton  out ; 
that  the  alligator  wouldn't  sleep  till  it  had 
eaten. 

"  Then  I  had  her  fix  up  a  dish  of  pulveriz- 
ed sugar  and  cream,  and  bring  some  new 
radishes  ancj  some  peach  preserve  and  some 
olives  and  little  onions  and  cheese. 

"All  this  time  the  poor  girl  was  worry iifcj 
dreadfully,  and  two  or  three  times  when  tfc 
beast  let  the  curtains  down  over  its  eyes  sit: 
thought  it  was  dying.  But  she  never  sus- 
pected that  I  was  making  game  of  her  till  I 
told  her  at  last  that  she  couldn't  kill  the  alli- 
gator with  an  ax,  and  that  all  it  would  need 
to  eat  for  a  while  would  be  a  dish  of  water 
and  a  lot  of  pebbles  and  dirt.  Then  she  chas- 
ed me  out  of  the  house  with  her  brother's  big 
horn-handled  cane,  and  I  haven't  dared  to  go 
back  yet." 


AT  A  CAUCUS  held  in  Detroit  the  other  night 
the  burden  of  all  the  speeches  was  that  the 
best  man  should  be  voted  for.  After  the  bal- 
lot it  was  discovered  that  every  man  had 
voted  for  himself. 


ACCORDING  to  a  florist's  magazine  "Jacks 
are  becoming  cheap."  This  may  be  true,  but 
we  have  known  men  who  would  have  been 
willing  to  pay  $10  for  one  to  put  with  the  two. 
already  in  their  hands. 

A  human  stick — a  postman. 


28 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


Purely  Conjectural. 


"That's  good."  was  all  I  could  think 
of  to  say  in  reply.  "  And  say  !"  he  con- 
tinued, as  he  astonished  the  old  mare 
with  a  sharp  cut,  "  for  the  last  ten  years 
the  old  woman  has  been  callin'  me  grand- 
pa and  tryin'  to  make  out  that  I  orter 
sot  in  the  corner  and  let  her  handle  the 
reins.  She's  my  second,  you  know,  and 
only  50,  and  she  feels  mighty  peart. 
Lands,  you  orter  be  there  when  I  walk 
in  on  her  this  evenin'  and  tell  her  to 
step  down  off  the  platform!  Woof!  but 
I  feel  like  a  steer  in  a  cornfield  ?" 

"Well,  I  hope  you  won't  be  disap- 
pointed." 

"Thank  ye.  I  don't  believe  I  shall 
be.  I  feel  it  in  my  bones  that  I'm  goin' 
to  be  took  right  back  to  1885.  Say  ! 
There's  another  thing  I'm  goin'  to  do  if 
that  elixir  elixes  on  me. " 

"Yes?" 

"I've  got  a  son-in-law  named  Pete 
Shoecraft.  Pete  beat  me  out  of  four 
JACK  VAN  TIPS—"  Ah,  Bertie,  that's  a  nice  horseyou  hogs  last  year.  Along  about  sundown 
have  there.  Who  -was  he  dammed  by  ?"  tonight  I'll  walk  in  on  Pete  as  he  is 

BERTIE-'' Well,  weally,  I  think  it  must  be  my  groom  milking  the  cows,  and  if  I  don't  belt  the 
for  I  heard  him  swearm*  at  him  this  morning  dreadfully.  stuffinPout  of  him  then  my  name  ain>t 

Absolom  Joslyn  !  Whoop  !  Durn  my  hick- 
ery  shirt  if  I'm  a  day  over  60  years  old  this 
very  minit,  and  I'll  bet  I  kin  lift  a  ton  !" 


He  Had  Faith. 


He  was  driving  an  old  gray  mare  to  a  buck- 
"board,  and  in  a  voice  high-pitched  and 
cracked  he  offered  to  give  me  a  lift  into 
Rhinebeck,  relates  the  New  York  "Sun." 
After  we  had  jogged  along  for  a  quarter  of  a 
mile  he  suddenly  inquired : 

"  What's  this  'ere  thing  in  the  papers  about 
the  elixir  !" 

"  I  know  nothing  except  what  I  have  read." 

"  They  say  it  sots  an  old  man  back  thirty- 
years  with  one  dose." 

"  Yes,  they  tell  wonderful  stories." 

"I  ain't  much  given  to  such  yarns,"  he 
continued  as  his  bow-back  humped  over  a 
little  more  and  his  chin  took  on  a  quiver, 
"  but  I'm  goin'  to  see  what  there  is  in  it." 

"  Are  you  going  to  try  it  !" 

"Sartin.  I  hitched  up  sorter  quietly  this 
morning,  and  told  the  old  woman  I  was  goin' 
to  town  after  an  apple  parer.  I  shall  drive 
right  down  to  the  doctor's  and  get  a  dose  of 
the  elixir." 

"Well,  it  may  rejuvenate  you  !" 

"I'm  kinder  expectin'  it  will.  Got  to 
thinkin  of  it  last  night,  and  couldn't  go  to 
sleep.  I'm  72  years  old,  and  if  this  thing 
should  put  me  back  to  40  it  would  take  a  yoke 
of  oxen  to  hold  me.  I've  got  it  all  planned 
out." 

"What." 

"What  I'd  do  when  I  get  home.  My  son 
Bill  has  sorter  bin  runnin'  things  to  suit  his- 
self  for  the  last  three  or  four  years.  Thinks 
I've  got  too  old  to  even  know  how  to  sell  a 
sheepskin  to  a  tin  peddlar.  If  that  elixir 
works  on  me  I'll  astonish  Bill  Joslyn  afore 
the  sun  goes  down.  I'll  tumble  him  into  the 
burdocks  in  a  way  to  open  his  eyes.  Whoop ! 
I'm  feelin'  a  heap  better  already  !" 


Preferred  Sudden  Death ! 

WHEN  Colonel  Wintersmith  first  came  to 
Washington,  many  years  ago,  he  strolled  up 
to  the  Capitol.  While  wandering  through 
the  corridors  he  accidentally  stumbled  into 
the  public  gallery  of  the  United  States  Senate. 
The  galleries  were  packed.  Charles  Sumner 
was  making  a  speech.  Everybody  listened 
with  breathless  interest.  When  Mr.  Sumner 
closed,  Garret  Davis  arose.  Mr.  Davis  en- 
joyed the  nick-name  of  Garrulous  Davis.  As 
he  began  to  speak  there  was  a  rush  from  the 
galleries.  Colonel  Wintersmith  was  astound- 
ed. He  recognized  Mr.  Davis  and  became  in- 
dignant. Drawing  a  brace  of  revolvers  hes  aid : 

"Gentlemen,  you  will  please  keep  your 
seats.  The  Senator  from  Kentucky  is 
talking,  and  you  must  hear  him." 

Every  man  resumed  his  seat  instantly. 
Among  the  number  was  an  old  Jerseyman, 
who  was  wedged  in  a  front  seat  between  two 
negroes.  Garret  Davis  talked  for  three  hours. 
The  Jerseyman  drew  many  a  long  breath,  but 
never  swerved.  When  the  speech  was  end- 
ed he  walked  up  to  Colonel  Wintersmith  and 
with  some  emotion  said : 

"Did  I  understand  you  that  it  was  the 
Senator  from  Kentucky  who  was  addressing 
us?" 

"Yes,  sir,"  responded  the  Kentucky  Col- 
onel, ' '  he  was  Senator  Davis  from  Kentucky. 
Have  you  any  fault  to  find  with  his  speech? " 

"N — n — no,"  the  Jerseyman  stammered, 
' '  but  I  want  to  ask  one  favor  of  you.  The 
next  time  you  catch  me  in  this  gallery  when 
the  Senator  from  Kentucky  arises  to  speak 
please  don't  warn  me,  but  shoot — shoot  righfc 
off — the  quicker  the  better." 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


His  New  Spring  Hat. 


Campbell  Tennyson. 

While  Judge  Campbell  was  a  member  of 
Congress  there  was  treachery  in  one  of  the 
Assembly  districts  composing  his  Congres- 
sional district.  The  newspapers  were  com- 
menting on  its  effect  upon  the  Judge's  future 
political  prospects.  A  brother  member,  upon 
meeting  him,  expressed  a  fear  that  it 
would  be  so  damaging  that  Mr.  Campbell 
would  be  defeated,  if  renominated. 

"  Oh,  no,"  replied  the  Judge,  with  the  ut- 


most confidence.  "I  know  myself,  and  1 
know  my  people.  I've  been  reading  poetry 
lately.  The  poets  always  get  things  right. 
There's  one  verse  written  by  a  fellow  named 
Tennyson  that  just  suits  my  case.  I  don't 
believe  you  ever  heard  it.  It's  this: 
"Men  may  come,  and  men  may  go, 

But  I  stay  here  forever." 

Then  turning  to  his  brother  member  he 
raised  both  hands  and  said:  "You  can  bet 
that  my  house  is  not  built  upon  a  rock  of  sand.  "" 


30 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


Monarch  of  all  He  Surveys. 


PATBON— "  Mr.  Hardscrabble  is  not  In,  I  see." 
Bo7— "  He's  been  working  pretty  stiff  all  this  win- 
ter, and  I've  let  him  off  for  a  week's  vacation." 


How  the  Millennium  Came. 

Just  out  of  Bennington,  Vt.,  lived  Deacon 
Tracy,  and  one  day  a  brother  of  his  died  and 
willed  him  a  horse.  The  animal  came  to  him 
from  a  distance  of  seventy -five  miles,  and 
whether  it  was  the  change  of  scene  or  a  streak 
of  natural  cussedness  in  him  no  one  could  say, 
but  he  "took  fits."  He  would  balk  on  the 
slightest  excuse,  and  often  with  no  excuse  at 
all,  and  the  Deacon  would  have  to  hold  him- 
self in  and  fool  around  until  the  beast  got 
ready  to  go  on.  He  would  have  got  rid  of  him, 
but  nobody  wanted  the  horse,  and  in  hopes 
that  he  might  have  a  change  of  heart  the 
Deacon  continued  to  drive  him  in  and  out  of 
town. 

One  day  he  got  notice  that  a  clergyman  of 
his  faith  was  coming  to  spend  a  short  va- 
cation with  him,  and  he  drove  in  to  meet  the 
train.  Instead  of  the  clergyman,  who  was 
not  very  well  known  to  him,  he  picked  up  a 
Boston  drummer  who  was  out  on  a  vacation 
and  wanted  to  go  to  the  next  farm  beyond 
the  Deacon's.  Neither  had  had  tune  for  any 
questions  before  the  horse  balked. 

"What's  up  ?"  asked  the  stranger  as  the  rig 
came  to  a  stop. 

"  He's  balked,"  answered  the  Deacon. 

"Well?" 

' '  Wall,  I  can't  do  nuthin'  with  him.  We've 
got  to  wait  for  him  to  get  ready." 

"That's  a  of  a  note  !"  growled  the 

drummer. 

"  W-what  !"  gasped  the  Deacon. 

"  Why him,  the  way  is  to  get  up  and 

cut out  of  his  hide,"  said  the  drummer. 

"Say!  Say!"  called  the  Deacon  as  he 
chewed  on  his  tobacco  with  fifty  times  the 


usual  rapidity  of  motion  ;  "You  are  sweais 
ing!" 

•'Well,  such  a  cussed,  infernal  beast  ought 
to  be  sworn  at.  Git  up  and  give  him — 

"Lands!  but  there  you  go  again!  Say,  has 
the  millennium  come  ?" 

"I  guess  she  has." 

"  And  we  can  all  swear  ?" 

"That's  what  ails  Hanner." 

"Good!  I've  bin  holding  in  for  two  years 

on  this beast,  thinking  it  was  wicked. 

IE  you,  a  minister  of  the  gospil,  can  use  pro- 
fanity it  can't  be  wicked  in  me,  and  now  you 

hang  on  to  the  seat  and  I'll  wallop out  of 

him  so  that  he  will  remember  it  all  his • 

life!" 


Too  Late. 

' '  Your  time  has  come, ''  said  a  physician, 
speaking  to  an  old  Georgian,  who  lay  stretched 
out  on  a  bed. 

"Air  you  shore,  doc?" 

"Yes." 

' '  Ain't  no  chance  fur  you  ter  be  wrong,  is 
thar?" 

"None  whatever.  You'll  be  dead  by  sun- 
down." 

"Shore  nuff  now?'1 

"Yes,  I  tell  you." 

' '  Doc,  you  ain't  trying  to  get  off  a  joke  on 
me,  air  you?" 

"No,  I  never  joke  a  dying  man." 

"  Wall,  then,  Irecken  I'm  gone,  but  I  wush 
I'd  know'd  it  a  week  ago." 

' '  Think  you  would  have  been  better  pre- 
pared?" 

"Yep,  a heep better." 

"  It  is  not  too  late  to  pray,  if  that  will  do 
you  any  good." 

"  I  don't  keer  nuthin'  Tjout  that,  but  ef  I'd 
a  knowed  last  week  what  I  know  now,  why 
I  wouldenter  bought  that  roan  hoss.  I'd  'a'- 
tuck  the  money  an'  had  some  fun  with  it. 
Coulder  had  a  rattlin'  time  on  that  forty  dol- 
lars. Coulder  bought  licker  enough  ter 
scalded  a  hog  in.  That's  the  way  with  this 
here  world.  A  man  never  knows  nuthin'  til] 
it's  too  late." 


"Oh,  G-ive  Us  a  Rest!" 

ON  the  up-train  from  San  Francisco,  a  few 
days  ago,  was  a  passenger  who  had  with  him 
a  cage  containing  a  parrot.  Shortly  after 
leading  Oakland,  a  newsboy  came  running 
through  the  car  announcing  "  San  Francisco 
papers!  Here's  your  morning  papers,"  etc., 
when  he  was  unexpectedly  interrupted  by  the 
parrot,  which  ejaculated,  "Oh,  give  us  a 
rest !"  Under  the  rules  of  the  company,  the 
parrot  was  presently  removed  from  the  pas- 
senger coach  to  the  baggage  car.  The  bag- 
gageman was  busily  engaged  sorting  out  his 
baggage  and  putting  it  just  where  he  wanted 
it.  The  confusion,  added  to  the  noise  and 
jolting  of  the  train,  was  too  much  for  the 
bird,  and  he  cried  out,  to  the  astonishment  of 
the  baggageman,  "  Where  in am  I?" 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


31 


Not  That    "Way. 


THE  GOOD  MAN  (Sadly)—"  Ah,  my  son,  you  have 
•been  to  the  circus ;  it  pains  me  greatly  to  think  that 
one  so  young  should  have  crossed  the  threshold  of 
Iniquity." 

THE  BAD  SMALL  BOY—"  I  didn't  cross  no  thres- 
hold ;  I  crawled  in  under  the  tent." 


A  Straight  Tip. 

" One  of  my  toughest  experiences,"  said  a 
well-known  turfman  yesterday,  "was  the 
loss  of  a  bet  of  $500  occasioned  through  a  Jew 
money  lender's  extreme  caution. 

"A  number  of  us  were  one  day  discussing 
a  certain  Shylock,  who  was  generally  conced- 
ed to  be  the  closest  man  in  the  country  to 
deal  with. 

"  'I'll  bet  $500  even  that  I  can  borrow  $1.000 
of  him  on  my  personal  recognizance,'  said  I. 

"  'Done,'  answered  the  crowd,  simultane- 
ously. 

' '  As  I  could  not  stake  enough  for  more 
than  one  bet,  they  pooled  against  me.  I  had 
a  sure  thing.  The  money  was  placed  and  off 
I  went  with  a  committee  of  two  to  borrow 
the  cash. 

' '  Mr,  Isaacs,  '  these  gentlemen  have  bet  me 
$500  that  I  cannot  borrow  $1.000  of  you.  I  do 
not  need  the  money,  but  I  want  you  to  let  me 
have  it  for  one  day  only,  and  I'll  divide  the 
bet  with  you. 

"  The  effect  was  not  what  I  looked  for.  In- 
«tead  of  jumping  at  the  chance  of  making 
$250  he  looked  at  me,  then  at  the  committee 
(who  were  confounded  at  my  cool  swindle, 
lor  so  they  termed  it),  and  finally  he  button- 
iieled  me,  and  said : 

" '  Did  you  make  that  bet?' 

'"I -Id,' said  I. 

•' 'Did  you  bet  $500  you  could  borrow  the 
money  of  me?' 

'"that's  what  I  did.' 


"'Then,'  said  he  in  a  whisper  that  I  alone 
could  hear,  ' go  and  hedge.'" 

It  is  related  of  Sothern  that  once  in  Lon- 
don he  entered  an  iron  monger's  shop  and, 
advancing  to  the  counter,  said:  "Have  you 
the  second  addition  of  Macaular's  '  History 
of  England  ?' "  The  shopkeeper  explained  that 
he  kept  an  iron  mongering  establishment. 
"Well,  it  don't  matter  whether  it  is  bound  in 
calf  or  not,"  answered  the  customer.  ''But 
sir,  this  is  not  a  bookseller's. "  "It  don't  mat- 
ter how  you  put  it  up,"  says  Sothern ;  a  piece 
of  brown  paper — the  sort  of  a  thing  you  would 
give  your  own  mother."  "Sir!"  bawled  the 
shopkeeper,  "we — don't — keep— it!  No 
books;  this  is  an  iron  mongering  shop." 
"Yes, "says  Sothern,  "the  binding  differs, 
but  I'm  not  particular — as  long  as  I  have  a  fly 
leaf,  don't  you  know. "  "  Sir !"  fairly  screamed 
the  shopkeeper,  "can't  you  see  we  keep  no 
book?  This  is  an  iron  monger's  shop!"  "Cer- 
tainly," said  Sothern,  seating  himself .  "I'll 
wait  for  it."  Believing  that  his  customer 
was  either  hopelessly  deaf  or  equally  mad, 
the  man  called  another  from  the  other  end  of 
the  store  and  explained  that  he  could  do  noth- 
ing with  the  gentleman.  "What  do  you 
wish,  sir!,"  shouted  the  second  man,  advan- 
ing.  "  I  should  like, "  said  Sothern,  quietly, 
' '  a  small,  plain  file  about  so  long. "  ' '  Certain- 
ly, sir,"  said  the  man,  casting  upon  bewil- 
dered No.  1  a  glance  of  the  most  unmitigated 
disgust. — N.  Y.  Com.  Ad. 


The  Knowing  Barber. 

Nat  Goodwin,  the  amiable  comedian,  says 
that  Lawrence  Barrett  and  he  went  into  a 
barber-shop  in  Chicago  to  get  shaved.  Bar- 
rett fell  into  a  chair  that  was  presided  over  by 
one  of  your  talkative  barbers. 

"Did  you  see  that  man  who  just  got  out  of 
the  chair?"  asked  the  barber. 

"  No,"  replied  Barrett,  indifferently. 

"  That  was  Judge  Gresham,"  said  the  bar- 
ber. ' '  I  didn't  know  him  when  he  sat  down, 
but  when  I  got  to  work  on  him  I  knew  he  was 
a  Judge  just  by  the  look  and  manner  he  had. 
It's  a  singular  thing,  but  I  can  tell  a  man's 
trade  nearly  every  time  by  just  looking  at 
him," 

"  You  can  eh?"  said  Barrett,  incredulously, 
"  Well,  then,  what  business  am  I  in?" 

The  barber  ran  his  supple  fingers  over  the 
tragedian's  head,  then  stepped  forward  in 
front  of  the  chair  and  scrutinized  the  traged- 
ian's face  and  person  intently,  and  then,  with 
an  expression  of  countenance  and  a  tone  of 
voice  naif  inquiring,  and  yet  half  positive, 
the  barber  said;  "  Shoe  store?" 


THE  new  ten-cent  stamp  to  insure  the  im- 
mediate deli  very  of  an  urgent  letter  is  all  very 
well  in  theory,  but  every  married  woman 
knows  that  it  won't  work  for  a  cent  in  prac- 
tice unless  her  husband's  overcoat  pockets  are 
all  sewed  up. 


32 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


Hermann's  Poker  Story. 

"I  never  play  cards  in  earnest,"  said  Herr- 
man  after  the  show  last  night.  "Those  who 
know  me  wouldn't  play  with  me  anyhow, 
and,  of  course,  I  wouldh't  take  any  advan- 
tage of  those  who  don't.  But  I  remember 
one  night,  not  a  thousand  years  ago,  that,  in 
order  to  amuse  a  few  friends,  I  sat  down  to  a 
quiet  little  game  of  poker.  You  see,  it  was 
this  way:  I  met  the  friends,  and  was  intro- 
duced to  an  innocent-looking  youth  of  the 
dude  persuasion,  whose  face  was  as  vacant  in 
expression  as  a  pound  of  putty.  This  youth 
had  been  bragging  of  his  powers  as  a  poker 
player,  and  had  made  the  others  so  tired  that 
they  whispered  me  to  take  the  conceit  out  of 
him,  for  the  fun  there  was  in  it.  I  was 
ready,  and  we.  sat  down." 

"In  Philadelphia?" 

"  Bless  you,  no.    They  don't  play  poker  in 

Philadelphia.      This  was .      Well,    when 

we  began  the  game  I  allowed  the  youngster 
to  win  to  get  him  interested,  and,  the  better 
to  enjoy  the  circus,  the  others  dropped  out 
and  my  victim  and  I  had  the  table  to  our- 
selves. Of  course  I  was  to  give  him  back 
whatever  I  won  from  him — that  was  under- 
stood. We  didn't  play  with  chips,  as  we  had 
none,  but  made  the  game  a  quarter  ante  and 
a  dollar  limit,  so  that  we  could  use  the  money 
without  making  any  awkward  change.  Ev- 
ery  time  my  callow  friend  won  a  pot  he  put 
the  silver  and  bills  in  his  pocket  and  would 
chip  in  the  stuff  as  he  needed  it.  After  he 
had  won  a  respectable  pile  I  began  to  get  my 
work  in,  and  by  handling  and  dealing  the 
cards  in  my  own  peculiar  way  I  soon  had  his 
pile  on  a  fair  way  to  innocuous  desuetude. 
Occassionally  I  would  let  him  win,  just  to 
keep  the  fun  up,  and  I  don't  know  but  what 
I  enjoyed  my  opponent's  innocence  as  much 
as  did  my  friends.  But  all  things  must  have 
an  end.  Finally,  I  cleaned  him  out  and 
ordered  a  bottle.  My  friends  couldn't  keep  it 
in  any  longer. 

'"I  say,  old  man,'  said  one,  ' do  you  know 
who  you've  been  playin'  with? ' 

"Yes,  replied  my  victim,  calmly;  'Herr- 
mann, the  magician,  and  he's  a  good  player. ' 

"This  was  some  what  of  a  surprise  all  round. 
But  I  laughed  and  handed  him  back  the 
money  I  had  won,  He  wouldn't  take  it.  No, 
sir.  Said  I  had  won  it ;  had  he  won  mine  he 
would  have  kept  it,  and  under  no  considera- 
tion would  he  take  it  back.  That  was  not  his 
way  of  playing  poker.  It  was  no  use  for  me 
to  protest,  to  tell  him  that  I  had  deliberately 
robbed  him.  He  was  sorry  that  he  had  got 
in  with  a  man  who  didn't  play  a  square 

fame,  but  that  was  his  lookout.  He  ought  to 
ave  seen  that  he  was  being  fleeced  and  with 
his  eyes  open,  too,  he  was  not  the  man  to 
squeal.  I  tell  you  I  felt  mean.  I  didn't 
think  it  half  so  funny  then  as  I  did  before. 
But  all  I  could  say  or  do  made  no  impression 
on  my  victim,  and  with  a  dignified  bow  he 
left  us." 

' ' '  All  I  can  do, '  I  said  to  one  of  my  friends, 


'  will  be  to  give  the  money  to  some  charitable 
institution.' 

"  Then  I  gave  the  waiter  one  of  the  bills  I 
had  won  to  pay  for  the  wine.  He  came  back 
with  it  and  the  information  that  it  was  a 
counterfeit.  Yes,  sir.  That  guileless  youth 
had  won  my  good  money  and  rung  in  over  a 
hundred  dollars'  worth  of  paper  on  me  that 
wasn't  worth  a  cent  a  pound.  I'm  pretty 
good  on  handling  cards,  but  poker  is  a  mighty 
uncertain  game — mighty  uncertain." 

The  President's  Little  Joke. 

I  HAPPENED  to  be  in  the  President's  office 
one  day,  when  Senators  Camden  and  Kenna 
came  in.  A  dozen  gentlemen  were  already 
present,  but  Senatorial  dignity  received  due 
and  instant  recognition.  When  the  two  Sen- 
ators of  a  State  approach  the  President  to- 
gether they  generally  mean  business.  And 
so  did  the  West  Virginia  statesmen.  After  a 
few  casual  remarks,  they  invited  the  President 
to  so  shape  his  affairs  that  in  the  spring  he 
might  spend  a  week  with  them,  fishing  in  the 
matchless  bass  shoals  of  tneir  mountain 
streams.  The  invitation  was  followed  with 
glowing  descriptions  of  the  scenery  through 
which  those  clear  waters  dash,  ana  with  in- 
spiring tales  of  the  sport  they  afforded.  Both 
Senators  told  good  fish  stories  which  evident- 
ly interested  the  President.  He  thanked 
them  heartily,  and  said  he  would  be  delighted 
to  remove  a  few  West  Virginia  bass  from 
their  present  offices.  Said  he:  "Your  fish 
stories  remind  me  of  one  I  once  heard.  A 
fellow  related  to  a  chance  acquaintance  a 
wonderful  fish  story,  and,  as  he  concluded, 
asked :  '  Now,  don't  that  surprise  you  ?' 

"  '  No,'  was  the  cool  response,  '  I  am  a  liar 
myself.'" 

Both  Senators  laughed  heartily  at  this  sally 
of  Executive  humor. 


The  Perfect  "Woman  at  Last. 

JONES  came  home  at  an  unseemly  hour  one 
night,  and  was  surprised  to  see  Mrs.  Jones  sit- 
ting up  for  him  below  stairs. 

"M-M-Maria,"  he  said  huskily,  "y-yott 
shouldn't  sit  up  s1  late  when  I'm  out  on  busi- 
ness. " 

As  Mrs.  Jones  did  not  answer  him,  he  con- 
tinued in  an  alarmed  voice : 

"Shorry,  m'  dear,  but  it's  lash  time — tell 
you  I'm  sorry.  Won't  speak  to  me !" 

At  this  moment  Mrs.  Jones  called  from, 
above  stairs: 

"  Mr.  Jones,  who  are  you  talking  to  at  this 
hour  of  the  night?" 

' '  Thas'h  what  I  like  to  know  myself, "  stam- 
mered Jones. 

Mrs.  Jones  hastened  down  stairs,  lamp  in 
hand.  When  she  saw  the  situation  she 
laughed,  in  spite  of  being  very  angry. 

"It's  the  model,"  she  said,  "the  model  I 
bought  to-day  to  fit  my  dresses  on." 

"Yes,  thas'h  so,"  said  Jones,  tipsily, 
"model  woman — didn't  talk  back — make 
some  fellow  good  wife." 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


33 


A  Study  of  She. 

The  more  we  study  She  the  more  we  dont' 
understand  how  it  is  that  She  is  able  to  twist 
as  around  her  little  finger  whenever  She  feels 
like  it.  .But  She  is. 

For  whom  is  that  in  childhood's  happy  days 
we  fight  with  a  boy  three  sizes  larger  than 
ourselves,  and  get  so  severely  punished  that 
we  can't  sit  up  for  a  week  ?  Why,  for  She — 
and  She  only  laughs  at  us  for  our  pains. 

Who  is  it  that  devours  all  our  spare  change 
in  the  shape  of  caramels,  and  calls  for  more 
and  gets  them,  too?  She. 

For  whom  do  we  linger  at  stage  doors  with 
ten  dollar  bouquets,  to  purchase  which  we 
have  to  endure  a  fortnight's  martyrdom  at 
free  lunch  counters !  She. 

Who  is  it  that  at  the  railroad  restaurant 
deals  out  the  soul  destroying  sandwich  and 
the  death  dealing  doughnut !  'Tis  She  every 
time.  If  it  were  He  we  would  slay  him  on 
the  spot  and  glory  in  the  deed. 

Who  accepts  our  hard  earned  gold  on  the 
oretense  of  being  a  first  class  cook,  and  then 
broils  our  steak  in  a  frying  pan  and  boils  our 
coffee  an  hour !  She. 

Who  is  it  that  accepts  our  theatre  tickets, 
our  $8  suppers,  our  bouquets  and  our  devo- 
tion, and  then  goes  off  and  marries  another 
fellow !  She — and  for  this  we  ought  to  for- 
give her  a  good  deal. 

Who,  we  ask,  is  it  that  when  we  employ 
her  as  typewriter  spells  summer  with  one  m 
and  February  with  only  one  r,  and  yet  escapes 
without  censure !  It  is  She.  Ah,  yes !  It  is 
She. 


An  Old  Proverb  Twisted= 

"  See  that  man !" 

' '  The  one  with  such  a  vigorous  and  healthy 
look !" 

"Yes.  You  wouldn't  think  he  had  one 
foot  in  the  grave,  would  you !" 

' '  No,  indeed.  He  looks  the  picture  of 
health." 

"Well,  he  is." 

"  What  made  you  say  he  had  one  foot  in 
the  grave,  then! ' 

"Because  he  has.  He  lost  his  foot  in  a 
railway  accident,  and  it  was  buried.  You'd 
never  think  he  could  walk  so  naturally  with 
a  cork." 

But  the  man  had  gone,  and  he  was  left  to 
talk  to  vacancy. 

Her  Husband  "Wasn't  In. 

"Husband  in?"  asked  the  gas  collector, 
cheerfully. 

"No,"  answered  the  woman,  "he  isn't  at 
home." 

"  Expecting  him  soon?"  asked  the  collector. 

"Well,"  the  woman  replied,  thoughtfully, 
1  don't  know  exactly ;  I've  been  lookin'  for 
him  seventeen  years  and  he  hasn't  turned  up 
yet.  You  travel  about  a  good  deal  and  if  you 
see  a  man  who  looks  as  though  he'd  make  me 
a  pretty  good  husband,  tell  him  I'm  still 
awaitin'  and  send  him  along." 


Good  Little  Tommy. 


A  big  bull  pup  with  a  spotted  tail 


A  wicked  boy  with  an  old  tin  pals. 


He  tried  this  racket, 
But  it  wouldn't  do, 


So  they  Duried  that  boy 
Where  the  daises  grew 


NEW  YAHNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


it.  Was  Corns. 

There  was  scores  of  passengers  waiting  in 
the  Pennsylvania  depot,  Jersey  City,  and  a 
prominent  figure  among  them  was  a  real  old- 
fashioned  woman,  wearing  a  quaint  old  bon- 
net, and  having  the  traditional  number  of 
parcels  and  bandboxes  with  her.  She  had 
eaten  a  fried  cake  and  drunk  from  a  bottle  of 
cold  tea,  and  after  brushing  the  crumbs  away 
she  took  from  her  pocket  a  whetstone  and  a 
pocket  knife,  and  began  putting  an  edge  on 
the  latter.  There  was  a  general  stir  of  inter- 
est around  her,  and  a  man  who  sat  near  by, 
remarked : 

"  Well,  you  are  the  first  woman  I  ever  saw 
vrho  could  sharpen  a  knife." 

"  Lands  save  you,  but  I  know  fifty  of  'em!" 
she  replied.  "  Any  women  folks  up  our  way 
who  can't  sharpen  axes  and  knives  are  count- 
ed no  good  This  'ere  knife  belongs  to  the 
old  man,  and  hain't  very  good  stuff." 

"What's  your  object  in  sharpening  the 
knife?"  he  asked,  as  she  worked  away  with 
much  vigor. 

"  Corns.  Got  two  on  the  bottom  of  my  left 
foot,  Orter  pared  'em  down  afore  I  left 
home,  but  didn't  have  time.  Got  fifty -five 
minits  to  wait  here,  and  I'll  put  it  in  on  the 
corns.  How's  that  for  an  edge?" 

"  Sharp  as  a  razor,"  he  replied,  as  he  re- 
ceived the  knife,  felt  of  its  edge  and  passed  it 
back. 

"Yes,  I  guess  it  will  do.  You'd  better 
move  now.  Hate  to  bother  you,  but  them 
corns  is  dreadful." 

He  moved  away,  followed  by  two  or  three 
others,  and  the  old  lady  slipped  off  her  shoe 
and  stocking,  turned  her  back  to  the  crowd, 
and  began  operations.  She  was  through  in 
about  twenty  minutes,  and,  after  replacing 
her  shoe,  she  bundled  her  packages  together 
and  loudly  remarked : 

"There!  I  feel  a  hundred  dollars  better, 
and  I'll  have  half  an  hour  more  after  1  git 
home  to  help  change  them  hens  into  the  new 
coop." 

Obeying  the  Call  to  Arras. 

"  I've  been  working  hard  for  a  Federal  ap- 
pointment ever  since  Harrison  was  inaugurat- 
ed," exclaimed  a  man  on  Pennsylvania  avenue 
yesterday  morning,  ' '  and  I  haven't  got  it  yet. 
I  obeyed  the  call  to  arms  twenty -eight  years 
ago  and  I  think  I  am  deserving  of  credit.  I 
suffered  many  a  hard  campaign, " 

"Oh,  rats!"  said  a  man  who  stood  near, 
"what do  know  about  suffering?  I  obey  the 
call  to  arms  a  dozen  times  a  night  and  am 
doing  it  in  caring  for  the  citizens  of  this  Re- 
public, If  you  are  entitled  to  a  Federai  ap- 
pointment so  am  I." 

"What  do  you  mean?"  asked  the  crowd 
standing  about. 

"Simply  that  I  have  twins  up  at  my 
house,"  answered  the  man  sadly. 


Is  smoking  injurious?    Very,  to  tobacco. 


''King  of  the  Susquerhanner." 

AT  Lynnburg  a  grizzly -looking  man  got 
aboard  and  took  a  seat  directly  in  front  of 
me.  Before  the  train  got  fairly  started  he 
turned  around  and  asked  me  if  lever  did  any 
rafting.  I  told  him  that  1  had  ridden  on  Mis- 
sissippi river  rafts,  but  had  never  followed 
the  business  as  a  profession. 

"I'm  a  nat'rl  raftsman,"  said  the  grizzly 
man.  "I've  rafted  on  ev'ry  river  in  this 
country.  I  done  my  best  work,  though, 
right  up  here  on  the  Susquerhanner.  There 
is  where  I  shone  like  a  new  dollar.  I  used  to 
let  'em  all  start  before  me,  then  I  would  pull 
out.  I  wouldn't  go  a  mile  with  my  fleet  be- 
fore I  would  begin  to  find  'em  stuck  on  the 
bars,  I'd  throw  'em  a  rope,  pull  'em  off  and 
go  on.  I'd  do  this  for  somebody  on  ev'ry  bar, 
and  I  al'ays  took  the  biggest  and  deepest 
fleet  to.  Then  I  would  get  down,  deliver  my 
logs,  and  go  back  and  get  another  fleet.  That 
trip  I'd  have  to  pull  'em  off  again  same's 
before.  I'd  make  seven  trips  to  their  one. 
The  man  I  was  working  for  said  he  never 
seed  anything  like  it.  No  man  knowed  that 
Susquerhanner  River  like  me.  No  man  could 
run  it  like  me.  All  the  bosses  1  worked  for 
said  so.  They  uster  call  me  old  Pizeii  Jones, 
King  of  the  Susquerhanner.  People  come 
miles  to  see  me.  But  I  had  to  give  up  the 
bus'ness. 

"Why  was  that?" 

"I  was  too  modest.  I  didn't  blow  ;bout 
myself  enough.  I  didn't  go  'round  tootin 
my  own  horn,  and  the  conserquence  was 
that  I  couldn't  get  no  job  mor'n  half  the 
time.  Other  men  without  a  quarter  of  my 
ability  blowed  'bout  what  they  could  do  and 
got  the  jobs.  It  was  merit  agin  gall,  and  gall 
got  there  and  merit  got  snagged  on  a  bar.  I 
remember  my  teacher  when  I  went  to  school 
uster  repeat  some  poetry  writ  by  a  man  that 
lived  up  at  Port  Byron  that  pretty  near  tells 
it.  'Maidens,  like  moths,'  said  he.  'are  al- 
ways caught  by  a  big  glare'  and  Mammon 
winsthegame  where  Seeriphs  might  despare.' 
It's  jest  the  same  way  with  rafting  and  cheek. 
Modesty  has  downed  me  all  my  life. " — N.  Y. 
Tribune. 


His  Dream  Realized. 

"  Do  you  believe  in  dreams?" 

"No.v>     . 

"I  do." 

"  Ever  have  one  come  true?" 

"  Well,  no ;  not  exactly." 

"Then  how  do  you  happen  to  hold  such  an 
absurd  belief?" 

' '  Well,  sir,  one  night  last  summer  I  dreamed 
that  the  devil  had  been  turned  loose  for  a 
thousand  years." 

"  And  what  happened?" 

"  My  mother-in-law  came  in  on  the  morn- 
ing  train,  and  she's  with  us  yet." 


Do  the  New  York  policemen  belong  to  the 
arrest-ocracy? 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


35 


A  Gratified  "Wish 


I "  Take  care,  Master  Bob,  or  ye'll  fall  in  the 

Water." 


II.—"  Pshaw !    I'd  like  to  see  myself ! 


III.—"  Now,  bejabers,  look  at  yerself !" 


She  Awoke  too  Soon. 

"FOR  forty  long  years  have  my  good  old 
wife  and  I  travelled  hand  in  hand  adown 
life'e  thorny  road  "  said  old  Deacon  Gush  at 
an  apple-paring  party  the  other  evening, 
"and  in  all  these  years  not  one  single  harsh, 
hasty,  unkind  word  has  passed  our  lips  when 
speaking  to  each  other.  Isn't  that  true 
mother?" 

"  Mother  "  had  quietly  fallen  asleep  on  the 
sofa  by  Mr.  Gush's  side,  and  as  he  laid  his 
hand  caressingly  on  her  shoulder,  she  gave  a 
little  snort  of  defiance  and  said,  sharply. 

"Get  up  yourself  and  build  the  fire,  Sam 
Gush,  I  built  it  last  and  I'll  see  you  in  Guinea 
before  I'll  build  it  this  morning,  you— oh— oh 


— I — I — why,  where  am  I?"  I  guess  I  dropped 
off  to  sleep." 

"And  I  guess  you'd  better  have  stayed 
asleep,  Lilly  Gush ! "  hissed  Samuel  into  her 
ear  as  the  crowd  made  a  rush  for  doors  and 
dark  corners  where  giggling  and  tittering 
could  be  indulged  in  freely. 


A  Dissipated  Belle. 

"ALL  that  gal  thinks  of  is  fine  serciety," 
said  an  indignant  Montana  matron  speaking 
of  her  daugnter.  ' '  She  thinks  she's  got  to  be 
on  the  gad,  hither  an'  non,  a-fritterm'  away 
her  time  in  serciety  the  hull  endoorin'  time. 
To-night  she's  went  to  the  grand  sacred  con- 
cert an'  free  dance  up  at  Sam  Baxter's,  an1 
las'  night  she  put  off  to  see  that  dog  fight 
over  to  High  Bagg's.  The  night  before  she 
had  to  go  to  a  candy-pull,  an'  the  night  be- 
fore that  to  the  pie-eatin'  match  an'  ball  at 
the  Widder  Hopkinses,  an'  to-morrer  night 
she'll  be  set  on  goin'  to  the  kissin'  play  party 
at  Nancy  Briggses,  to  say  nothin'  of  her  run- 
nin'  off  to  the  linchin'V  them  two  cattle 
thieves  last  Sunday  night  an'  the  turkey 
shootin'  match  yisterday  afternoon.  I'm  go- 
in'  to  shut  down  on  her  traipsm'  'round  so, 
even  if  she  is  the  belle  of  this  county  ! 

Imitative  Ethel. 

LITTLE  Ethel  has  a  bachelor  uncle,  and  she 
had  noticed  that  when  he  wanted  to  be  em- 
phatic he  used  a  certain  monosyllabic  word  of 
four  letters.  Not  long  ago  Ethel  was  afflict- 
ed with  quite  a  severe  pain  under  her  little 
apron,  the  result  of  too  free  an  indulgence  in 
the  toothsome  cucumber.  When  Uncle  Jack 
came  home  at  supper  time  he  was  informed 
of  the  grievous  plight  of  his  favorite,  and 
hastened  to  her  comfort. 

"Well,  Ethel,  my  dear,"  he  said,  advancing 
to  the  sofa,  "  How  do  you  feel  now? " 

' '  Pretty  d — n  miserable,  thank  you,  Uncle 
Jack,"  she  replied  with  an  air  of  having  said 
quite  the  proper  thing  under  the  circum- 
stances. 


One  on  Quay. 

AT  Cleveland  they  put  two  cars  filled  with 
Polish  imigrants  on  the  rear  of  our  train,  as 
they  had  through  some  accident  been  belated, 
and  we  sped  away  for  Toledo.  At  about  9 
o'clock  at  night  a  man  came  in  to  our  car 
in  which  Senator  Quay  had  a  berth,  and  said : 
"Ladies  and  gentleman,  a  child  has  been 
born  in  one  of  the  immigrant  cars.  It's  a 
boy.  Although  we  are  in  Ohio,  I'm  a  Penn- 
sylvanian  myself,  and  as  Senator  Quay  is  also 
on  the  train  it  is  proposed  to  name  the  boy 
Quay  Langkowski.  It  nas  been  proposed  that 
we  all  chip  in  and  raise  a  purse  for  the  boy." 

We  chipped.  Quay  saw  our  white  pile 
and  raised  it  by  $5,  saying  that  he  should  be 
proud  of  the  honor,  and  the  man  passed  into 
the  next  car.  An  hour  later  we  learned  that 
no  child  had  been  born,  and  that  the  fellow 
had  raised  $75  and  dropped  off  at  some  station. 


36 


XI-:  JV  YAENS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


Her  Specialty. 


ME.  DE  VIM—"  How  long  have  you  been  studying 
Kosa  Benheur,  Miss  Spindle?  That  ox  team  resting 
in  the  shade  is  going  to  be  your  masterpiece,  I  sup- 
pose.'" 

Miss  SPINDLE— "Oh,  no,  adult  cattle  are  beyond 
my  reach.  My  calves  are  what  appeal  to  most  peo- 

P  MR.  DE  VIM— "Well,  you  don't  look  it!" 


A   Tooth  Out. 

''Do  you  want  to  take  gas?"  asked  the 
dentist  of  the  young  lady  who  wanted  the 
tooth  out. 

"Oh,  I  don't  know  she  said,  nervously, 
"  I  dread  to  take  gas  so.  I  read  once  of  a 
lady  who  took  gas  and  died  in  the  dentist's 
chair." 

"It  must  have  been  impure  gas  improperly 
given.  I've  given  gas  to  a  thousand  people 
and  never  had  any  trouble. " 

"Well,  I— I'm  afraid  I'll  act  silly.  They 
say  some  people  do  such  ridiculous  things, 
and " 

"  Oh,  well;  you  needn't  take  it  if  you  don't 
want  to." 

"•Will  it  hurt  me,  I  wonder?  " 

"  It  will  be  over  in  a  second." 

"Oh,  I  dread  it  so!" 

"You'll  hardly  know  when  the  tooth's 
•out." 

"  Oh,  yes,  I  will.  I've  had  teeth  out  before 
and  Ijust  scream  every  time." 

"  Well,  well;  scream  if  you  want  to." 

"I'm  dreadfully  afraid  I'll  faint." 

"No,  you  won't." 

"I  feel  like  it  now.  It's  horrid  having 
one's  teeth  out. " 

"Better take  gas." 

"If  I  thought  it  would  be  perfectlv  safe 
I'd " 

"111  guarantee  that  it  won't  hurt  you  at 
all." 

"Well,  I  wil!" 

"All  right.      Sit  in  this  chair.      Put  this 


tube  in  your  mouth.  Lean  back  now  and 
breathe  naturally.  So— 

"Oh,  doctor,  I-I " 

"Don't  talk— take  full  breaths,  and " 

"I-I-oh,  doctor,  it  won't " 

"Keep  perfectly  still  now," 

"I-I-ev-a-a-ah?" 

"  I  guess  she's  gone  now,"  says  the  dentist 
to  his  assistant.  '  "Hand  me  my  forceps." 

Half  a  minute  later  she  gasps  out: 

"  Oh-oh— I— is  it  out?  1  feel  so  funny  f  I- 
I— Did  I  act  siUy  ?  I  didn't  feel  it  one  bit !  It 
was  just  like  going  to  sleep.  I  hadn't  the 
faintest  idea  when  you  drew  the  tooth  out ! 
I-I — let  me  see  the  tooth — ugh!  It  just 
seemed  to  me  that — I'm  awfully  glad  the 
thing's  out !  I've  suffered  everything  and — a 
little  more  water,  please;  ugh!  What  n.o,kes 
it  bleed  so?  My  mouth's  as  sore,  I  didnt 
know  when " 

' '  I'd  like  the  chair  as  Foon  as  possible  for 
another  patient,"  says  the  dentist,  and  she 
slides  out  and  hurries  to  the  glass  to  see  how 
she  looks  with  that  tooth  out. 


From  an  Unquestionable  Source. 

"MATILDA,  that  boy  of  ours  is  chuck  full  of 
slang,"  remarked  Mr.  Dusenbury,  in  a  sharp  - 
complaining  tone.  "He  talks  about  me  as 
the  guv'nor,  and  this  morning  I  heard  him 
tell  Bridget  to  '  Let  her  go,  Gallagher ! ' 
Where  does  he  pick  up  such  abominable 
stuff?  " 

' '  Goodness,  only  knows, "  Mrs.  Dusenbury 
said,  with  a  well  stimulated  look  of  ignor- 
ance. 

"At  school,  I  suppose,"  continued  Mr. 
Dusenbury,  "  of  those  Darringer  boys.  He  is 
altogether  too  fly,  that  boy,  and  if  I  catch 
him  with  those  boys  again  he'll  make  a  home 
run  of  the  liveliest  kind." 

"He  may  hear  some  of  it  at  home,''  sug- 
gested Mrs.  Dusenbury,  with  motherly  kind- 
ness. 

'•  At  home !  "  cried  Mr.  Dusenbury.  ' '  You 
are  entirely  off  your  base,  my  dear.  Who 
uses  slang  here? " 

"Probably  I  am  addicted  to  it,"  was  Mrs. 
Dusenbury's  meek  reply. 

"Well,  it's  a  vice  you'd  better  get  rid  of 
then,  refined  conversation  is  a  mark  of  cul- 
ture, Let  me  hear  that  kid  use  slang  again 
and  I'll  give  it  to  him  right  off  the  bat.  I'll 
wipe  up  the  floor  with  him-  I'll — 

Just  then  he  saw  a  commiserating  look  on 
his  wife's  face.  He  picked  up  his  hat  sudden- 
ly, and  mumbling  something  about  having  an 
appointment  at  the  office,  fled. 

He  Wanted  an  AX- 
TRAMP  (to  woman  who  has  given  him  a 
loaf  of  stale  bread) :  "Now,  if  you'll  show  me 
the    way   to  the    wood-shed    I'll  get  the    ax 
and — 

"Why,  you  dear  old  fellow,  you  musn't 
think  of  cutting  wood ;  you're  too' weak." 

"Oh,  I  didn't  want  the  ax  for  that.  I  just 
thought  that  I'd  like  to  cut  off  a  chunk  of 
this  bread — if  I've  got  strength  enough." 


NEW  YAENS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


37 


Van  Skipps  Sudden  Rise  in  Society. 


VAN  SKIPP— "  Here  comes  Mrs.  Hevy wait ;  I  suppose 
I'll  have  to  give  up  my  seat." 


The  sofa  is  a  springy  one.  and  Van  Skipp  gives  up  his 
seat  more  suddenly  than  he  expected. 


How  the  Baby  Assists. 

Reader,  gentle  or  otherwise, 
have  you  ever  noticed  how  the 
young  father  and  mother  of  a 
first  baby  carry  on  a  conversa- 
tion ? 

If  you  have,  you  must  have 
wondered  how  in  the  worJd  they 
managed  to  talk  to  each  other  be' 
fore  the  baby  became  a  member 
of  the  family. 

The  following  is  a  sample  talk 
in  a  family  of  three,  one  of  which 
trio  is  a  baby  a  year  old. 

Mamma  (with  infant  on  her 
lap) :  Baby,  ask  popper  if  he  will 
die  mommer  ze  paper  :  [The  pa- 
per is  given.] 

Papa  :  Baby,  ask  'oor  mommer 
if  she  knows  where  popper's  slip- 
pers are. 

"Tell  papa  his  slippers  are  in 
the  hall  closet,  girley  baby."  [The 
slippers  are  found  and  put  on.] 

"Baby,  has  oo  been  a  good  'ittle 
totkins  to-day  ?" 

"Girley  baby,  tell  'oor  popper 
dat  oo's  been  de  bestest  doodest, 
sweetest  'ittle  popsy  wopsy  wopsy 
in  the  town,  so  oo  has." 

"I's  dlad  to  hear  dat,  baby. 
Popper's  own  daughter  girlie  must 
always  be  dood  as  a  doll." 

"Baby,  now  tell  popper  baby 
totkins  is  goin'  sleepies,  and  can't 
talk  any  more.  Bye,  bye,  pop- 
per  !" 

"Bye,  bye,  totkins  !" 


Wasn't  Growing  Old  Q-racefully. 

HE  stuttered  terribly,  and  one  day  he  be- 
gan to  tell  a  story,  prefacing  it  by  saying 
that  it  was  "im-m-ense." 

He  kept  at  it  for  a  long  while,  but  succeed- 
in  getting  only  a  little  ways  along  in  it,  and 
at  last  a  country  customer  from  Wayback 
Centre,  rang:  the  bell. 

"  W-w-what  you  r-r-r-ringing  your  d-:l- 
darned  old  b  b-b-bell  f-for?  I  t  t-teU  you 
this  s-s  st-story's  a  b-b-brand  new  one!  " 

' '  Perhaps  it  was — when  you  began  it, "  re- 
plied his  tormentor. 


Why  does  a  man  call  his  sweetheart  honey? 
Because  she  is  his  bee-loved. 


A  Stunning  Question— Judge 

Duffy  Nonplussed. 
A.  CASE  came  up  in  court  over 
which  Judge  Duffy  presides  in 
which  a  big  colored  woman  was  a 
witness.  She  testified  that  she 
had  whipped  her  boy  very  severe- 
ly, and  as  she  went  on  with  the 
story  of  the  exceedingly  stiff  beat- 
ing she  had  administered,  the 


Judge's  clear  brow  grew  a  little  darker,  and 
he  interrupted  her  to  ask  if  it  had  been 
necessary  to  chastise  the  boy  so  severely. 
The  colored  lady  looked  astonished  at  the 
question.  Gazing  intently  at  the  court,  she 
inquired  : 

"Jedge,     was    you  ever  the  father    of  a 
wuthless  mulatter  boy  ?" 

"No,  no,  "said  the  Judge  hastily." 
"Then,   Jedge,   you    don't     know    nuffin' 
about  de  case." 


A  LOCOMOTIVE  does  not  receive  much  news- 
paper notice,  but  it  gets  a  great  many  ' '  puffs, " 
nevertheless. 

FUNNY.  Although  a  hen  may  lay  one  egg 
every  twenty -four  hours,  it  is  said  a  ship  can 
• '  lay-to  "  in  the  same  space  of  time. 


38 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKtis. 


Keeping  his  End  Up. 


How  He  "Won  the  Jewel- 

"  NATHAN,  you  are  married,  I  understand/' 
said  the  Governor  of  Tennessee,  addressing  a 
hillside  constituent. 

"Yes,  sir,  captured  the  best- looking  girl  in 
the  whole  community.  Old  Lige  Peterson's 
daughter,  Rose.  You  knowed  her,  I  reckon." 

"Yes,  but  I  thought  that  she  was  engaged 
!to  Sam  Parker." 

"She  was,  but  I  got  ahead  of  him.  Tell 
you  how  it  was.  She  loved  Sam  powerful, 
for  he  is  the  best  circuit  rider  we  have  ever 
met.  I  loved  Rose  and  was  mightly  down- 
cast, for  I  thought  thar  wa'nt  no  use  buckin' 
agin  him.  Well,  the  day  for  the  marriage 
was  set,  and  a  passul  of  us  come  to  see  the 
weddin',  for  Rose  'lowed  that  she  wanted  to 
be  married  in  town,  and  then  take  the  cars 
for  home,  thereby  getting  a  ten-mile  bridal 
tower.  When  we  got  up  to  town  lo  and  be- 
hold, there  was  a  circus,  with  mo'  horses 
than  a  strong  man  could  shake  a  pole  at. 
Rose  was  mighty  keen  to  go  to  the  show, 
but  Sam  says,  says  he,  'Rose,  you  know 
it's  agin  my  religion,  an'  therefo'  we  can't 
go.  Stay  here  till  I  go  an'  git  the  license. ' 
Rose's  under  jaw  drapped.  When  Sam  was 
gone  I  says,  says  I,  '  Rose,  wouldn't  you  like 
to  go  to  that  show? " 

'  Yes,  but  Sam  won't  take  me.' 

"  '  That's  bad,  Rose,  for  they've  got  a  world 
of  hosses. ' 

"Then  she  tuned  up  and  began  to  cry. 
'Rose, 'say  s  I  'if  you  marry  Samyou'kan't 
go  to  the  show ;  that's  certain,  but  if  you 
marry  me  I'll  take  you.'  She  studied  awhile 
and  says,  says  she,  '  an'  let  me  stay  to  the 
concert airter  the  big  show's  over? ' 

'"Yes." 

'  "  An'  let  me  look  at  the  monkeys  all  I 
want  to?" 

"'TibbyshoV 

"  *  An'  won't  pull  an'  haul  me  aroun'  when 
I  get  interested  ? ' 

' '  No,  sw'ar  I  won't. ' 

' ' '  An'  when  the  show's  all  over  will  you 
let  me  look  at  the  monkeys  again? ' 

"'Yes.' 


"  'Nath,'  she  said,  puttin'  her  hand  mighty 
lovin'ly  on  my  arm.  Tmyourn.'  Then  I 
jumped  up,  popped  my  heels  together,  an  'in 
less'n  a  half  hour  we  was  done  married  an' 
a-lookin'  at  the  monkeys.  That's  the  way  I 
won'  that  jewel,  governor." — Arkansaw  Trav- 
eler 


Talk  About  Slow  Trains. 

' '  I  want  to  go  to  bed,  so  give  me  a  room  as 
soon  as  you  can.  I  ought  to  have  reached 
the  city  early  this  afternoon,  and  here  it  is 
11  o'clock." 

"What  made  you  so  late?  "  asked  a  Girard 
House  clerk,  as  he  threw  down  a  key  to 
which  was  attached  a  rough-edged  brass  tag 
about  the  size  of  a  buckwheat  cake. 

' '  Oh,  slow  trains !  Slow  trains !  They  seem 
to  stop  everywhere  and  at  all  the  little  cross- 
roads. " 

"That's  queer." 

' '  I  should  say  it  was.  Why,  at  one  place 
they  stopped  about  seven  minutes,  while  half 
a  dozen  people  came  out  of  the  only  house  to 
be  seen  in  the  neighborhood  and  boarded  the 
train.  Did  you  ever  hear  of  anything  like 
it?" 

"Never." 

"  I  have,"  said  a  little  old  man  with  long, 
shaggy  hair,  who  had  overheard  the  conver- 
sation while  searching  the  Philadelphia  direc- 
tory for  the  name  of  a  Boston  firm. 

"You  have?" 

"Yes;  you  may  not  believe  it,  but  it's  a 
fact.  Some  years  ago  I  used  to  travel  on  the 
Old  Colony  Railroad,  up  in  Massachusetts. 
There  was  a  place  called  Wheat  Sheaf  Lane, 
where  the  train  stopped  nearly  every  day  for 
an  old  woman,  who  was  always  there  to  send 
some  eggs  into  town.  Now,  would  you  be- 
lieve it?  One  day  the  train  stopped  as  usual 
for  Aunt  Betsey,  who  was  there  with  her 
eggs,  but  she  only  had  eleven.  She  said  an 
old  hen  was  still  on  the  nest,  and  she  wanted 
the  train  to  wait  until  she  could  make  up  the 
dozen." 

"Yes?" 

"Well,  I'll  be  darned  if  that  train  didn't 
wait  while  the  hen  laid  the  extra  egg." 

The  late  arrival  said  he  guessed  he  would 
go  to  bed,  the  bediamoned  hotel  clerk  swooned 
and  the  little  old  man  walked  down  into  the 
corridor  and  dropped  wearily  into  a  chair. 


A  Job  on  the  Dog- 

A  POLICEMAN  who  saw  a  number  of  lads 
collected  in  the  alley  near  the  Moffat  block 
yesterday,  swooped  down  on  them,  and  de- 
manded an  explanation. 

' '  That  boy  there's  bin  bit  by  a  dog  on  Con- 
gress street,"  replied  the  oldest. 

"  Has,  eh  ?" 

"Yes  ;  'n  I'm  going  to  rub  Paris  green  on 
my  legs,  and  go  down  there  and  let  the  dog 
bite  me  and  get  pizened  to  death  !"  continu- 
ed the  bov.  The  officer  did  not  interfere. 


NEIV  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


39 


A  Cool  Reception. 


irate  Father — "  That  younar  feller  has  been  going 
tag  over  an  hour.    I  guess  I'll  hurry  him  a  little." 


2_"Why,  it's  raining,  Charlie!" 

"So  it  is." 


8—"  As  I  was  saving,  etc.,  etc.,  etc." 
(For  forty-five  minutes  longer  !) 


Shoot  Him  On  The  Spot. 

I  have  been  a  raving  lunatic  for  a  week, 
writes  a  young  Chicagoan,  and  my  wife  is 
sick  in  bed,  all  because  of  a  party  of  ' '  for- 
feits '  at  our  house  one  evening  a  week  ago, 
we  compelled  a  young  man  to  pay  his  forfeit 
by  repeating  a  verse  of  poetry.  But  I  don't 
think  he  will  repeat  it  any  more.  Here  it  is: 

"Antony  an  Cleopatra  stood  on  the  burning  deck; 

Their  feet  were  fall  of  blisters, 
She  put  her  arms  around  his  neck, 

While  a  Kyrle  Bellew  through  his  whiskers. 

We  dropped  him  out  the  second-story  win- 
dow as  quickly  as  possible;  my  wife  went 
into  hysterics  and  the  guests  left,  some  with- 
out their  wraps  and  hats.  Please  answer  if  I 
can't  sue  that  young  man  for  damages  or  get 
even  if  possible  with  him  in  some  way,  or  is 
there  any  legal  punishment  for  such  a  case? 


True. 

'What!    left    your 


situation   so 


LADY: 
soon,  Maria?" 

MARIA:  "Yes,  mum,  I  couldn't  stay  no 
longer." 

LADY:     "Why,  Maria?" 

MARIA:  "Well  ye  see,  mum,  my  mistress 
wouldn't  let  me  'ave  my  young  gentleman  to 
dinner,  an'  they  do  say  that  the  only  way  to 
a  man's  'art  is  through  his  stomach?  " 


40 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


An  Innocent  Drummer, 

HE  bade  his  wife  a  tearful  goodby. 

"My  love,  my  only  one!  The  time  will 
soon  be  here  when  I  shall  be  in  a  position  to 
snap  my  fingers  at  fate  and  set  up  as  my  own 
boss.  Then  we  shall  have  no  more  of  these 
cruel  partings."  "And  you  will  be  true  to  me?'' 

"  As  I  always  am,"  he  responded. 

"You  did  not  forget  to  put  that  photo  you 
had  especially  taken  for  me  in  my  '  gripsack,' 
did  you?" 

"Oh,  dear,  no!  Are  you  sure  you  will 
look  at  it  sometimes,  love? " 

' '  You  wicked  little  doubter :  you  know  I 
should  be  wretched  without  at  least  such  a 
precious  semblance  of  my  pet  to  look  at 
daily,  nightly.'' 

Draw  the  veil  of  charity  over  his  grief  and 
the  treachery  of  one  in  whom  he  had  un- 
bounded confidence. 

In  brief,  she,  his  only  love,  his  pet,  his 
wife,  had  secretly  planned  to  make  him 
"wretched."  She  had  taken  that  photograph 
from  his  gripsack,  and  was  gloatiag  over  his 
misery  when  he  should  discover  that  only 
memory  remained  to  him,  for  the  time  being 
of  his  darling's  looks. 

"  The  dear  fellow,  how  he  will  scold  me  for 
the  trick,"  she  thought;  "but  I  will  send 
him  the  photo  in  the  very  first  letter."  Thus 
appeasing  her  conscience  she  waited  for  his 
first  letter.  It  came  from  Chicago. 

"My  heart's  delight."  it  began.  "Got 
here  0.  K.  this  A.  M.  Have  been  wrestling 
with  the  trade  all  day,  and  a  tough  time  I've 
had  of  it!  Weary  and  fagged,  I  have  retired 
to  my  room,  shut  the  gilded  atmosphere  of 
sin  that  envelopes  this  terrible  city,  and  taken 
from  my  satchel  your  sweet  picture.  It  is 
before  me  as  I  write.  I  shall  kiss  it  when  I 
have  said  my  evening  prayers.  It  will  rest 
under  my  pillow.  It  is  my  own  solace  until 
I  hold  you,  my  sweet  wife,  in  these  faithful 
arms  again." 

Thus  far  had  she  read,  then  she  toppled 
over  on  the  floor. 

What  comfort  she  found  there  it  is  hard  to 
say ;  but  a  great  determination  rose  with  the 
stricken  wife,  who  went  out  an  hour  later 
and  sought  a  telegraph  office. 

Her  husband  had  been  saying  his  prayers 
abroad  that  evening,  and  when  he  got  to  his 
hotel  aboufc  midnight  his  spiritual  emotions 
received  a  rude  shock  by  a  telegram  from  his 
"  only  love. "  It  was  elaborate  for  a  despatch ; 
but  under  the  circumstances  one  could  not 
expect  an  outraged  wife  to  transmit  her  feel- 
ings by  the  slow  mail.  The  despatch  read : 

'  'You  are  no  longer  the  only  drummer  who 
is  not  a  liar,  as  you  have  always  claimed, 
Let  the  fraternity  make  you  their  chief  in 
the  art.  Had  you  taken  the  pains  even  to 
look  for  the  photo  you  say  your  prayers  to, 
you  would  have  discovered  that  I  had— to 
tease  you— removed  it.  My  faith  in  you  is 
dead,  dead!" 

The  husband  clutched  his  hair. 
"What  the  devil  did  I  write  to  her  any- 
way?" he  muttered. 


After  a  while  his  face  cleared. 
' '  By  Jove !  I  must  have  been  piling  on 
taffy.  That's  what  a  man  gets  for  trying  to 
make  a  woman  feel  good !  Poor  little  dear, 
what  a  fume  she  must  be  in !  Lucky  for  me 
she  gave  her  grievance  away.  What  geese 
women  are !  Bless  her  little  noddle,  her  faith 
shall  be  ressurected." 

Forthwith  he  telegraphed  to  a  knowing 
friend : 

"Send  me,  first  mail,  photo  of  my  wife. 
Beg,  borrow,  steal  it  somehow.  Mum's  the 
word.  Will  write  particulars." 

About  a  week  later  a  drummer,  in  dignified 
martyrdom,  stood  face  to  face  with  a  stern 
but  very  wept-out  wife. 

She  expected  to  see  him  meek  and  humble 
but  he  gazed  upon  her  with  scorn,  and  then 
passed  into  his  room  in  crushing  silence. 

She  was  amazed,  With  quick  impulse  she 
followed,  thanking  heaven  he  had.  not  locked 
her  out. 

"  Well!  "  she  began,  with    wavering  cour- 
age, "  What  have  you  to  say  for  yourself? " 
Coldly,  cruelly  he  looked  at  her. 
"I?"  he  queried. 
"Yes,  you1" 

"Woman,  if  it  were  not  for  .the  over- mas- 
tering love  I  bear  you,  I  should  never,  never 
look  upon  you  more ! " 

His  face  was  convulsed  with  tragic  suffer- 
ing that  was  balm  to  her  heart  to  witness  but 
she  only  sneered. 

' '  Can  you  explain  the  deception  you  tried 
to  practice  on  me? " 

"Can  you  obliterate  the  insult  put  upon 
your  husband  in  that  unwomanly  despatch  ? 
A  woman  with  so  little  confidence  in  her 
husband  had  better  live  alone  For  my  part, 
I  am  not  only  disgusted  but  disenchanted." 

He  turned  sorrowfully  away  and  bowed  his 
face  in  h's  hands.  She  approached  him  and 
laid  the  letter,  which  had  caused  her  such 
grief,  right  under  his  eyes. 

"Read  that.  Knowing  you  had  no  picture 
of  mine,  what  was  I  to  think?  " 

"What  any  intelligent,    right-minded  wife 
should  have  thought ;    you  would  have  said 
to  yourself:     'He   is  incapable  of  deceit;  he 
has  my  picture,  anyhow.'" 
' '  But  you  did  not  have  it. " 
He  looked  at  her  with  sad,  resigned  sorrow. 
'  •  Oh.  woman !  without  an  atom  of  faith ! " 
Than  he  put  his  hand  in  his  pocket  and  pro- 
duced the  photograph. 

"  Oh !  Darling !  Forgive  me !  You  had  my 
picture !  The  old  thing  taken  before  we  were 
engaged !  Why  I  didn't  know  you  ever  had 
one  of  these?" 

The  restored  confidence  made  her  pretty 
blue  eyes  swim  in  tearful  joy.  She  put  her 
arms  around  him,  asking  his  pardon,  caress- 
ing even  his  coat  collar, 

"My  dear,"  said  he,  looking  into  her  face 
with  grave  but  loving  reproach,  "let  this  be 
a  warning.  Never  doubt  me  again,  no  mat- 
ter what  appearances  may  be.  I  can  always 
look  you  squarely  in  the  eyes  and  say,  I  am 
innocent.'  "  And  she  believed  him. 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


He  Knew  His  Lesson. 

FREDERICK  of  Prussia  had  a  great  mania  for 
enlisting  gigantic  soldiers  into  the  Koyal 
Guards,  and  paid  an  enormous  bounty  to  his 
recruiting  officers  for  getting  them.  One 
day  the  recruiting  sergeant  chanced  to  espy 
a  Hibernian  who  was  at  least  seven  feet 
high.  He  accosted  him  in  English  and  pro- 
posed that  he  should  enlist.  The  idea  of  a 
military  life  and  a  large  bounty  so  delighted 
Patrick  that  he  at  once  consented. 

' '  But  unless  you  can  speak  German  the 
King  will  not  give  you  so  much." 

"O,  be  jabers,"  said  the  Irishman,  "sure 
itfs  1  that  don't  know  a  word  of  German. " 

"But,"  said  the  Sergeant,  "and  these 
you  can  learn  in  a  short  time.  The  King 
knows  every  man  in  the  Guards.  As  soon 
as  he  sees  you  he  will  ride  up  and  ask  you 
how  old  you  are  ;  you  will  say  '  twenty-sev- 
en' ;  next,  how  long  you  have  been  in  the  ser- 
vice ;  you  must  reply,  '  three  weeks' ;  finally, 
if  you  are  provided  with  clothes  and  rations  ; 
you  answer,  'both.' 

Pat  soon  learned  to  pronounce  his  answers, 
but  never  dreamed  of  learning  the  questions. 
In  three  weeks  he  appeared  before  the  King 
in  review.  His  Majesty  rode  up  to  him. 
Paddy  stepped  forward  with  "present  arms." 

'  How  old  are  you  ?"  said  the  King. 

'  Three  weeks,"  said  the  Irishman. 

'  How  long  have  you  been  in  the  service  ?" 
asked  His  Majesty. 

'  Twenty-seven  years." 

'Am  I  or  you  a  fool  ?"  roared  the  King. 

'  Both, "  replied  Patrick,  who  was  instant- 
ly taken  to  the  guardroom,  but  pardoned  by 
the  King  after  he  understood  the  facts  of  the 
case. 


She  Reconsidered. 

SAYSIT  ANYHOWE  :  Mabel,  will  you  marry 
me? 

(Mabel  in  a  sisterly  tone  of  voice) :  Oh,  Mr. 
Anyhowe,  don't  ask  me  !  It  pains  me  so  to 
refuse  you. 

Saysit  Anyhowe  :  There,  there,  my  dear, 
don't  let  it  cause  you  any  distress.  I  only 
did  it  on  a  bet, 

Mabel  (in  staccato  accents)  :  Yes  !  I  will  ! 


Blood  Will  Tell. 

LADY  (as  a  blood-curdling  war-whoop  is 
heard  from  the  kitchen) :  What  is  happening, 
Walters  ? 

MAID:  That  is  Dinah.  She  always  yells 
that  way,  ma'am,  when  she  succeeds  in  turn- 
ing the  omelette  without  letting  it  drop  on 
the  floor.  She's  the  daughter  of  a  Zulu  chief. 

Woman. 

"WOMAN,  my  boy,"  said  a  parent  to  his 
•son,  "are  a  delusion  and  a  snare."  "It 
is  queer, "  murmured  the  boy,  "people  will 
hug  a  delusion."  And  while  the  old  man 
looked  queerly  at  him,  the  young  man  hunt- 
ed up  his  roller-skates  and  went  out  to  be 
snared. 


An  Indoor  Athlete. 


Miss  COTA  ABMS— "  You  take  great  interest  in  out- 
door sports,  I  believe,  Mr.  Zing.?" 
MB.  ZING— "  No-o-o,  I  can  hardly  say  that  I  do." 
Miss  COTA  AKMS— "  Well,  now,  I  was  told  by  some 
one  that  you  were  quite  a  counter  jumper.    I  pre- 
sume he  must  have  oeen  mistaken." 


A  Fond  Baltimore  Farewell. 

THEY  had  come  into  the  hall  late  Sunday 
evening,  after  he  had  made  a  more  than  usu- 
ally protracted  call. 

The  light  was  dim  and  romantic  in  the 
richly  furnished  entry-way,  the  maiden  whom, 
he  loved  as  he  loved  his  life  looked  doubly 
fascinating,  and  Young  Loverly  found  it  ex- 
ceedingly difficult  to  drag  himself  away. 

"  Good  bye,"  he  said  at  length. 

'•'  Good-bye,"  she  repeated,  though  she  had 
remarked  the  same  thing  some  seven  times 
before. 

''Good-bye,"  he  said  again,  with  a  great 
hesitation. 

"  Good-bye,"  she  whispered  softly. 

"  May  I  have  one  final  kiss?"  he  pleaded. 

He  might  and  did ;  but  still  he  lingered. 

"Why,"  he  queried,  with  a  sudden  inspir- 
ation, "is  our  final  kiss  like  a  duodecimo?" 

"I  give  it  up,"  the  maiden  said,  after  a 
moment  of  deep  but  hopless  cogitation. 

"Because,"  he  answered  triumphantly,  "it 
means  12mo." 

And  on  that  basis  was  interpreted. — Puck. 


The  First  Joker. 

Whatever  troubles  Adam  had, 
No  man  could  make  him  sore 

By  saying  when  he  told  a  jest, 
"  I've  heard  that  joke  before." 

Baltimore  American. 


"MY  goodness!  How  shocking!"  exclaim- 
ed Mrs.  Slowback,  who  has  been  perusing  the 
morning  paper.  ' '  What's  the  trouble, "  ask- 
ed Mr.  S.  with  a  start.  "Why,  here  is  an 
account  of  where  two  actors  who  had  been 
performing  in  Chicago  with  the  Hardly  Able 
Comedy  Company  were  '  roasted  by  the 
dramatic  editor  of  the  Daily  Ripper  ! ' '  Mr. 
S.  faints. 


42 


NEW  YAItNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


His  Hat- 

A  BOT  threw  his  hat  on  the  floor, 
And  was  told  ho  must  do  so  110  more; 
But  he  did  it  a^ain, 
And  his  lond  mother  then 
Vsfd  her  slipper  until  ho  was  sore. 

The  boy  then  looked  up  askance, 
And  his  mother  cast  down  a  mad  glance; 
"  Do  you  know  now,"  said  she, 
"  Where  your  hat  ought  to  be?" 
"Yes,"  he  answered,  "  inside  of  my  pants.  " 

A  Bit  Of  Cord. 

"MY  dear,"  said  young  Mrs,  Jardine  to  her 
husband  the  other  morning,  "would  you 
mind  running  into  Plush  ancT  Sattins  and  get- 
ting me  a  half  yard  more  of  chenille  cord  like 
this  sample?  It  won't  take  but  a  moment, 
and  I'm  so  anxious  to  finish  this  cushion  to- 
night." 

So  Jardine,  giving  himself  five  minutes 
extra  time  to  catch  his  homeward  train,  '  'runs 
in  "  to  the- two-and-a-half  acre  establishment 
of  Plush  and  Sattins  that  evening,  and  asks 
the  first  salesduchess  he  meets, — 

"  Have  you  chenile  cord  like  this? " 

' '  Fourth — counter — to — the — left, "  without 
interrupting  for  an  instant  her  gum  diet. 

"Have  you  cord  like  this?"  asks  Jardine 
at  the  foarth  counter. 

"Next  counter." 

"I  would  like  half  a  yard  of  chenille  cord 
like  this,"  he  says  at  the  "  next  counter." 

"You'll  find  it  on  the  floor  above,  in  the 
upholstery  department;  Take  elevator  to 
your  left." 

He  doesn't  wait  for  the  elevator,  but  goes 
galloping  up  the  stairs,  and  blunders  wildly 
around  till  he  finds  the  upholstery  depart- 
ment. 

' '  Half  a  yard  of  fringe  like  this,  as  quick 
as  you  can,  please. " 

"You  '11  find  it  downstairs  in  the  fancy 
goods  department. " 

Downstairs  goes  Jardine;  with  set  teeth, 
his  breath  coming  in  short,  quick  gasps. 

"Where's  the  fancy  goods  department?  " 
he  asks  in  deep  bass  tones  of  a  floor- walker. 

"Four  counters  to  the  left — wall  counter." 

"  I  want  a  half  yard  of  fringe  like — 

"You'll  have  to  go  to  the  worsteds  counter 
for  it — third  counter  to  left  from  main  en- 
trance. " 

Pale  and  panting,  with  a  steely,  murderous 
gleam  in  the  usually  laughing  eyes,  Jardine 
appears  at  the  worsteds  counter. 

"Half  a  yard  of  cord  like  that,"  he  says 
fiercely. 

"  Have  you  cord  like  this,  Miss  Miggs?"  asks 
the  saleslady  languidly,  of  a  partner  in  iniqu- 
ity, who  drawls  out : 

"  Naw,  I  sold  the  last  of  it  just  this  minute. 

He  might  find  it  downstairs,  in  the — 

But  Jardine  is  tearing  through  the  streets, 
gnashing  his  teeth  as  he  runs,  hoping  to 
catch  a  train  that  is  already  half  a  mile  from 
the  station ;  and  the  next  one  doesn't  go  for 
45  minutes. — Puck. 


A  Gentleman  In  Disguise. 


COUNTRYMAN  (visiting  a  Boston  dime-museum)— 
"  Just  see  that  queer  fellow  with  uo  pants  on  to  him  ! 
What  sort  of  an  Injin  do  you  call  yourself,  mister?" 

BARNEY  O'ROURKE,  THE  PAPUAN  CHIEF  (Insulted) 
—"No  pants,  indade,  ye  ould  hayseed!  It's  only 
Gents  as  wear  pants,  and  I'll  have  ye  know  that  Ol'iij 
a  Gintleman." 


She   Caught  Him. 

EX-GOVERNOR  CORNELL  of  New  York  tells 
a  good  story  at  his  own  expense,  says  the 
New  Haven  "Palladium."  It  seems  that 
when  in  office  at  Albany  he  would  sometimes 
return  home  late  at  night,  after  his  wife  had 
retired,  and  when  she  asked  him  what  time 
it  was,  would  answer:  "About  12,  or  a  little 
after  midnight.  ' 

One  evening,  instead  of  making  the  inquiry, 
she  said:  "Alonzo,  I  wish  you  would  stop 
that  clock, ;  I  cannot  sleep  for  its  noise," 

He  stopped  the  pendulum.  In  the  morn- 
ing, while  dressing,  Mrs.  Cornell  inquired 
artlessly :  ' '  Oh,  by  the  way,  what  time  did 
you  get  home?" 

"About  midnight." 

"  Alonzo,  look  at  that  clock!" 

The  hands  of  the  clock  pointed  to  2 :30.  The 
Governor  was  crushed. 


A  Pointed  Moral. 

"WE  should  never  complain,  whatever 
may  befall  us,"  said  the  minister.  "The 
moment  we  grow  dissatisfied  we  become  un- 
happy." 

"  Do  you  really  think  so?"  she  sighed. 

"  Yes'"  returned  the  good  man;  "the  first 
woman  who  complained  of  her  Lot  was 
turned  into  a  pillar  of  salt." 


WHY  !  —  Policeman — How    does   my   club 
strike  you  ?    Vagrant — It's  just  stunning. 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


43 


A  Tongh  Test, 


MBS  NAGGERS— "  Do  yo  call  yourself  sober?  " 

MB.  NAGGERS— "Shertainly,  my  love." 

MKS.  NAGGEES  -"  Well,  you  just  say  '  Oklahoma  is  a  truly  rural 
country.' " 

MR.  NAGGEKS— " '  Oglyhhumeza  tooral  looral  J.oo !  Shay  Bezzer 
gidder  rooster — hie !  ter  shay  zat  for  y'  in  ther  mornin'." 


thing.    He  takes  it  so  hard,  too." 

"What  are  you  doing  for  the — 
the  weaning?" 

The  woman  looked  at  him  for 
a  moment,  and  then,  thinking 
that  probably  the  dude  was  honest 
and  innocent,  said  : 

"Why,  I  have  been  using  bitter 
aloeaand — and  a  little  soot." 

The  dude  thought  he  was  get- 
ting along  nicely,  but  thought  he 
would  make  himself  more  solid 
by  taking  a  still  deeper  interest 
in  the  child,  so  he  hazarded  an- 
other question. 

"Aha,  where  do  you  use  them." 

The  question  was  his  last.  A 
child  was  dropped  hastily  on  the 
floor,  and  a  raised  wash-board 
banged  down  on  the  head  of  the 
dude,  and  in  about  a  second  the 
neighbors  thought  they  saw  a  pair 
of  compasses  flying  up  the  street. 

He  is  at  his  boarding-house  in 
bed,  but  so  bewildered  is  he  that 
he  hasn't  yet  mustered  up  cour- 
age enough  to  ask  some  married 
man  what  the  woman  got  mad  at. 


A  Dude  "Who  "Was  not  Posted  on  "Wean- 
ing Infants. 

THERE  is  a  real  dude  in  Evansville  who  is 
noted  for  the  immaculate  whiteness  of  his 
linen  (but  is  not  noted  for  paying  his  bills). 

His  bosom  friends  can't  understand  how  he 
manages  to  get  his  washing  done,  but  he  has 
given  them  to  understand  that  he  is  very 

solid"  with  his  washerwoman  on  account 
of  his  being  such  a  smooth  talker. 

Next  week  his  linen  will  not  look  so  well, 
and  the  reason  is  this  :  He  went  yesterday 
to  his  washerwoman,  who,  by  the  way,  is  an 
honest,  modest,  hard-working  woman,  to  get 
his  stock  of  collars  and  cuffs  for  next  week. 

He  walked  in  and  stood  sucking  his  cane, 
for  a  moment,  wondering  what  kind  of  a  line 
of  conversation  to  start  in  order  to  put  her 
in  such  a  good  humor  that  she  would  let  him 
take  his  duds  without  paying.  Noticing  a 
baby  crying  and  tossing  around  on  her  lap, 
he  thought  he  would  indulge  in  a  little  taffy. 
;  That's  a  fine  child  you  have  there. "  (He 
don't  know  as  much  about  children  as  a 
buck-saw  does.) 

"Yes,  he  is  a  fine  boy." 

' '  He  don't  seem  very  well  to-day. "  (He 
guessed  at  this,  because  the  child  was  so  fret- 
ful.) 

"  No,  poor  little  fellow.  He's  awful  fretful. 
I'm  just  weaning  him  to-day,  and  it's  hard 
on  him." 

"Yes,  awful  hard  on  a  child,"  murmured 
the  dude,  who,  by  the  way,  hadn't  the  least 
idea  what  weaning  is  ;  "have  you  ever  wean- 
ed him  before  ?" 

"Oh,  no  :  this  is  the  first  day,  poor  little 


She  "Wanted  to  be  a  Christian. 

A  VERY  thin  woman  had  felt  the  power  of 
the  Spirit,  and  had  been  converted  ;  and  she 
appeared  before  the  session  to  pass  the  pre- 
liminary examination. 

"  Have  you  experienced  a  change  of  heart?** 
asked  the  elder  gently. 

"Yes,  sir  ;  I  believe  I  have." 

"And  you  want  to  live  a  new  life  ?" 

"Yes  sir;  I  hope  I  do." 

"Are  you  willing  to  renounce  the  world, 
the  flesh  and  the  devil  ?" 

"Do  I  have  to  do  that  ?" 

"  Certainly,  if  you  wish  to  be  a  consistent 
Christian." 

"Can  I  give  up  two  of  them,  and  still  go 
into  the  Church  «" 

' '  No  ;  the  renunciation  must  be  complete. " 

'  'Well,  then,  you  must  excuse  me.  I  want 
to  be  a  Christian  :  I  want  to  give  up  the 
world  and  the  devil ;  but  if  a  woman,  as 
thin  already  as  I  am,  has  to  give  up  any 
more  flesh,  she  might  as  well  give  up  want- 
ing to  be  a  Christian,  and  go  and  join  a  side- 
show as  the  great  American  only  living  skele- 
ton. Gentlemen  you  have  to  excuse  me,  I 
want  to  join  the  Church  ;  but  I'm  not  pre- 
pared to  join  a  side-show  this  summer." 

A  Clincher. 

OUTRAGED  IRISHMAN:  "Gintlemin,  I  wud 
loike  to  ashk  thim  Amerikins  wan  thing; 
Who  doogthe  canals  uv  the  coontry  but  furrin- 
ers?  Who  built  the  railruds  uv  the  coontry 
but  furriners?  Who  wurruks  the  mines  uv  the 
coontry  but  furriners?  Who  does  the  votin' 
fur  the  coontry  but  furriners?  And  who  the 
divil  dischoovered  the  country  but  furriners? 
-  Li <-,>. 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


Lost  And  Found. 

With  the  coming  of  Easter  only  a  very  few 
of  the  soiourners  at  Gray  Beach  returned  to 
town  ana  the  proprietor  of  the  hotel,  in  ap- 
preciation of  the  esteem  thus  accorded  his 
establishment,  gave  during  the  following 
week  a  hop  for  the  benefit  of  the  young  folk 
who  had  so  religiously  abstained  from  danc- 
ing during  the  forty  days  of  the  Lenton 
period. 

It  was  at  this  hop  that  Mr.  Arthur  Light- 
foot  chanced  to  pick  up  from  the  floor  a  half- 
filled  dance  programme.  From  the  names 
inscribed  thereon  it  was  very  evident  that  it 
belonged  to  a  lady  and  it  was  with  a  fixed 
determination  to  find  out  which  of  the  many 
fair  girls  present  was  the  loser  that  the  young 
man  started  on  a  tour  about  the  room. 

Ten,  fifteen,  twenty  minutes  elapsed  and 
he  was  just  as  far  from  success  as  when  he 
started. 

"Ah!"  he  exclaimed  under  his  breath, 
"  how  stupil  of  me !  To  avoid  embarrassing 
mistake  I  presume  she  has  sought  some  nook 
of  the  inclosed  piazza."  And  he  made  his 
way  in  the  direction  the  thought  suggested. 

Though  the  moon  shone  brightly  enough, 
there  was  a  semi-gloom  outside  that  was  in- 
tensified, in  Mr.  Lightfoot's  eyes,  by  the  sud- 
den transition  from  the  brilliantly  lighted 
ball-room. 

Nevertheless,  his  hearing  was  not  affected 
and  he  had  taken  scarcely  half  a  dozen  steps 
before  he  overheard  voices  apparently  just 
around  the  corner  of  the  house. 

"But  you  promised  me,  you  know,"  a  man 
was  saying,  "you  really  did.  This  is  our 
waltz." 

And  then  he  heard,  musically  feminine : 

"  But  you  all  excuse  me,  won't  you?  I 
really  can't  go  on  the  floor  again;  it  would 
be-" 

Mr.  Lightfoot  thought  the  last  word  was 
"  embarrassing."  but  he  was  not  quite  sure. 

"  Precisely  as  I  expected,"  he  said  to  him- 
self; "the  dear  girl,  rather  than  give  the 
wrong  man  a  dance  in  the  wrong  place,  has 
determined  not  to  dance  at  all. " 

Then  he  listened  again.  It  was  evident  the 
gentleman  was  irritated.  He  was  saying 
something  about  his  execrable  dancing  and 
accusing  the  lady,  in  language  more  or  less 
polite,  with  refusing  for  that  reason, 

The  next  moment  little  Montie  Undergrad 
came  flirting  by  in  a  pet  and  disappeared  into 
the  house. 

Now  was  Mr.  Lightfoot's  chance. 

His  eyes  had  become  accustomed  to  the 
dull  light  and  as  he  turned  the  corner  of  the 
piazza,  he,  without  any  difficulty  whatever, 
recognized  in  the  well- wrapped  figure  in  the 
steamer  chair  the  belle  of  the  hotel,  Miss 
Plumpleigh. 

"  What  are  you  doing  out  here?"  he  asked, 
as  he  took  the  seat  beside  her  that  Mr. 
Undergrad  had  just  vacated;  "  you  are  robb- 
ing the  hop  of  its  chief  charm." 

Miss  Plumpleigh  smiled  a  mischievous  smile. 


"I'm  so  sorry,  she  said,  "but  I  really  can't 
dance  any  more  to-night.  If  I  did  it  would 
be  to— well,  I'm  afraid  I  should  lose  some  of 
my  adniii  ers  at  least." 

"  You  have  lost  something,"  Mr.  Lightfoot 
suggested,  with  the  tone  of  a  man  who  might 
be  reading  one's  destiny. 

Miss  Plumleigh's  face  crimsoned. 

"You — you — "  she  began;  and  then  she 
hesitated.  "I  znean  you  —  of  course  you 
didn't  find  it." 

"Ah!  but  I  did,"  returned  the  young  man, 
' '  I  did  find  it,  and  I  came  here  to  bring  it  to 
you." 

"But  how  did  you  know  it  was  mine?" 

"Instinct  told  me,  "replied  Lightfoot.  "I 
was  sure  it  could  Belong  to  no  one  else.  No 
one  of  the  young  women  on  the  floor  to-night 
could  half-filled  it  but  you. " 

"Mr.  Lightfoot!"  exclaimed  Miss  Plump- 
leigh, and  there  was  something  of  indigna- 
tion in  her  voice. 

"I'm  afraid,"  the  lucky  finder  went  on, 
"I'm  afraid  you  didn't  have  it  any  too  well 
fastened.  In  dancing,  you  know,  one  is  apt 
to  drop  them  unless  one  has  them  secure- 
ly-" 

"Mr.  Lightfoot ! '  Miss  Plumpleigh  protest- 
ed again. 

"Indeed,  what  I  tell  you  is  the  truth,"  the 
youth  went  on.  "  Now  let  me  adjust  it  this 
time  and — " 

Miss  Plumpleigh  arose,  and  turning  one 
withering  glance  of  scorn  and  disdain  upon 
the  young  man  who  still  retained  his  seat  by 
her  now  empty  chair,  fled. 

"What  can  be  the  matter  with  her?"  he 
asked  himself,  as  he  got  up  and  started  leis- 
urely after  her.  "One  might  think  that  I 
had  offered  her  an  insult. " 

As  he  was  about  to  enter  the  ball-room  he 
met  Montie  Undergrad  coming  out. 

'  'See,  what  a  jolly  find !"  Montie  whispered. 
"I  picked  it  up  on  the  floor.  Have  you  any 
idea  to  whom  it  belongs,  old  man  ?" 

Mr.  Arthur  Lightfoot  took  from  the  little 
fellow's  hand  the  article  that  he  tendered. 

It  was  a  yellow  silk  garter  with  gold  and 
jeweled  clasps. 

"I  have  a  very  distinct  idea,  "he  said  in 
reply,  "but  I  cannot  compromise  the  lady  by 
telling  you  her  name. " 


THE  publisher's  daughter  was  to  be  married 
in  three  months,  and  was  busy  embroidering 
a  pink  dove  on  the  corner  of  some  linen. 
"What  are  you  getting  out  now  my  dear?" 
asked  the  publisher,  looking  up  from  his  desk. 
"Advance  sheets,  papa  dear, "  answered  the 
maiden  plying  her  needle  with  a  piquant 
zest. 


CHOLLY  (to  Irishman  ringing  fog  bell  at 
the  ferry  landing) — "Aw — my  man,  why  is 
this  bell  ringing?"  Irishman — "Can't  you 
see,  you  phool.  It's  becase  Oi'm  pullin'  th' 
r-r-rope?" 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


45 


Nicely  Said. 


— "  Why  hello,  Charlie !    I  hear  you've  been  under  the  weather? 
*  UOTLITZE- (a  distinguished  amateur  acter)  "Yes  Sof  tley,  I  have  had  a  deuced  hard  time  of  it." 
ao*TLEY—   Well,  you  don't  show  it,  old  fellow.    You  look  quite  like  yourself  now." 


The  Meaning  of  the  Word  Total- 

"WHAT  am  de  meanin1  ob  de  word  total, 
Gacle  Rastus;  does  it  mean  to  tote  all  vou 
cun?" 

"No,  sah,"  replied  Uncle  Rastus,  as  he 
ejected  a  mouthful  of  tobacco  juice  at  a  fly  ; 
"you's  wrong  dis  time,  chile." 

"Well,  den,  what  am  de  meanin'  ob  it  ? 

"Well,  sah,  it  jist  means  all." 

'  'Well,  den,  what  am  de  tote  put  dar  for  ?" 

"Well,  sah, "said  Uncle  Rastus,  trying  to 
look  wise,  "  de  framers  ob  de  declaration  put 
de  tote  in  dar  to  make  de  all  show  big,  jis 
like  de  grocer  puts  de  big  taters  on  de  top  ob 
de  measure." 

"Well,  Uncle  Rastus,  dat  may  be  all 
right,  but  I  don't  git  de  idee  'zactly," 

"Well,  sah,  I'll  expostulate  mo'  fully.  Dar 
was  wunst  a  Mormon  dat  had  an  old  wife 
and  a  young  wife.  De  young  wife  would 
pull  his  gray  ha'rs  out  to  make  him  look 
young,  and  de  ole  wife  pulled  his  black  ha'rs 
out  to  make  him  look  old  till  he  had  no  mo' 
ha'r  dan  a  curbstone.  Dat  was  total." 

"Fse  tumbled,  Uncle  Rastus." 


How  She  Kept  Her  Age. 

Miss  BETSY  was  a  remarkably  young  and 
handsome  looking  woman  for  her  years,  and 
she  never  told  anybody  how  old  she  was. 

"Gracious  me,  Miss  Betsy,"  said  an  old 
acquaintance,  admiringly  one  day,  "how 
well  you  keep  your  age. " 

"  Thanks,"  she  replied  with  a  smile. 

"How  do  you  manage  to  do  it? " 

"  Oh,  easy  enough;  I  never  give  it  away." 

Bankrupt. 

He  was  taking  her  home,  after  the  theatre 
and  a  little  supper  at  Delmonico's. 

"Darling,"  said  he  suddenly,  as  he  gazed 
dreamily  up  at  the  silvery  disk  overhead, 
"why  am  I  like  the  moon  ?" 

"It  isn't  because  you're  full,  is  it?"  she 
asked,  as  she  edged  away  from  him. 

"No,"  said  he  sadly  ;  "it's  because  I'm  on 
my  last  quarter." 

AH  !— Sometimes  the  lover  who  is  fired  with 
passion  for  the  daughter  is  put  out  by  the 
father.—  Pittsburgh  Dispatch. 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


That  Pretty  Voung  Girl. 


A  Boston  man  looked  at  the  face  of  a  Chicago 
girl,  and  fell  in  love  with  her. 
He  looked  at  her  feet,  and  fell  out  again, 

"  Darn  It !" 

THEY  had  a  terrible  time  at  a  wedding  up 
at  Petaluma  the  other  day,  and  which  only- 
goes  to  show  how  the  smallest  drawback 
will  sometime  take  the  stiffening  out  of  the 
swellest  occasion. 

It  seems  that  the  ceremony  was  a  very 
grand  affair,  indeed.  There  were  eight  brides- 
maids, and  the  church  was  crowded  from  pit 
to  dome,  as  the  dramatic  critics  would  say. 
But,  when  they  got  to  the  proper  place  in 
the  ceremony,  and  the  groom  began  feeling 
around  for  the  ring,  he  discovered  that  it 
wasn't  on  hand.  After  the  minister  had 
scowled  on  the  miserable  wretch  for  a  while, 
the  latter  detected  that  the  magic  circlet 
had  slipped  through  a  hole  in  his  pocket  and 
worked  down  into  his  boot.  He  communi- 
cated the  terrible  fact  in  a  whisper  to  the 
bride,  who  turned  deadly  pale,  and  was  only 
kept  from  fainting  by  the  reflection  that 
they  would  inevitably  cut  the  strings  of  her 
satin  corsage  in  case  she  did. 

"Why  don't  you  produce  the  ring  ?"  whis- 
pered the  bride's  big  brother,  hoarsely,  and 
feeling  for  his  pistol,  under  the  impression 
that  the  miserable  man  was  about  to  back 
out. 

"I  can't.  It's  in  my  boot,"  exclaimed  the 
groom  under  his  breath,  his  very  hair,  mean- 
while, turning  red  with  mortification. 

"Try  and  fish  it  put,  somehow  —  hurry 
up  !"  mumbled  the  minister  behind  his  book. 

"I'll  try,"  gasped  the  victim,  who  was 
rather  stout ;  and  he  put  one  foot  on  the 
chancel  rail,  pulled  his  trousers  leg,  and  be- 
gan making  spasmodic  jabs  for  the  ring  with 
his  forefinger.  The  minister  motioned  to  the 
organist  to  squeeze  out  a  few  notes  to  fill  in 


the  time,  while  a  rumor  rapidly  went  through 
the  congregation  to  the  effect  that  a  telegram 
had  just  arrived  proving  that  the  groom  had 
four  wives  living  in  the  East  already. 

"I — I  can't  reach  it,"  groaned  the  half- 
married  man  in  agony.  ' '  It  won't  come. " 

"Sit  down  and  take  your  boot  off,  you 
fool,"  hissed  the  bride's  mother,  while  the 
bride  herself  moaned  piteously,  and  wrung 
her  powdered  hands. 

There  was  nothing  left,  so  the  sufferer  sat 
down  on  the  floor,  and  began  to  wrestle  with 
his  boot,  which  was  naturally  new  and  tight, 
while  a  fresh  rumor  got  under  way  to  the  ef- 
fect that  the  groom  was  beastly  tight,  and 
insisted  on  parin^his  corns. 

As  the  boot  came  finally  off,  its  crushed 
wearer  endeavored,  unsuccessfully,  to  hide  a 
trade-dollar  hole  in  the  heel  of  his  stocking ; 
noticing  which,  the  parson,  who  was  a 
humorous  sort  of  sky-contractor,  said  grimly: 

"You  seem  to  be  getting  married  just  in 
time,  my  young  friend." 

And  the  ceremony  proceeded  with  the 
party  of  the  first  part  standing  on  one  leg, 
trying  to  hide  his  well- ventilated  foot  under 
the  tail  of  his  coat,  and  appropriately  mut- 
tering "  Darn  it  1"  at  short  intervals. 


Urn! 

I  gave  my  girl  an  onyx  ring 

Which  filled  her  with  delight. 
She  looked  upon  it  wondering, 

Her  eyes  with  radiance  bright. 
"  It's  a  charming  gift,"  said  she, 

"  The  gem  is  well  selected, 
Not  only  is  it  fair  to  see 
But  also  onyx-pected." 


Had  to  Swim  for  it 

There  was  a  fashionable  undertaker  a  few 
years  ago  who  gave  a  tearful  experience  he 
had  with  an  Irish  assistant  upon  one  occa- 
sion, which  so  disturbed  his  soul  that  it  had 
something  to  do  with  his  early  death. 
Shortly  after  his  engagement  of  this  assistant, 
the  undertaker  thought  it  well  to  give  him  a 
practical  lesson  in  the  business,  and  he  de- 
tailed him  to  the  care  of  a  Hebrew  funeral. 
Upon  bis  return  from  the  event  the  under- 
taker, with  considerable  interest,  asked  how 
it  went, 

"Foine,  foine,"  answered  the  Irishman  ; 
"but  those  Jews  are  quare  people,  surely." 

"  In  what  way  are  they  queer  ?"  asked  the 
undertaker. 

"Well,  don't  you  see,  when  the  corpse  was 
in  the  coffin,  some  old  fellow  came  up  and 
put  a  half  dollar  in  its  hand.  Now,  what 
was  that  for,  I  dunno  ?" 

"Oh,  that,"  replied  the  undertaker,  "was 
on  account  of  a  tradition  the  Hebrews  have 
about  crossing  the  River  Jordqn  before  they 
reach  heaven,  and  the  money  is  to  pay  their 
ferriage." 

"  Well  !  is  that  so !  Then,  bedad,  this 
duck  will  have  to  shwim,  for  I  swiped  the 
fifty  befo'  they  screwed  down  the  lid." 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


47 


Catching  A  Sucker. 


L  "  A  little  pepper  will  do  him  good." 


No  Faith  In  Gas  Meters. 

In  a  suit  at  law  brought  to  recover  payment 
of  a  gas  bill,  a  witness  for  the  plaintiff  was 
asked:  "  On  what  evidence  do  you  conclude 
that  sixteen  thousand  seven  hundred  and  for- 
ty feet  of  gas  had  been  burned  during  the 
month  by  the  defendant?" 

"  On  the  evidence  of  the  gas  meter,"  was 
the  answer. 

At  which  the  Judge  impulsively  exclaimed : 
"  I  wouldn't  believe  a  gas  meter  under  oath !" 

EVERYTHING  is  faster  in  this  country.  In 
England  they  say  that  a  man  stands  for  Par- 
liament. In  this  country  they  say  he  runs 
•for  Congress. 


II.  "Something's  going  to  happen  pretty  soon. 


Parliamentary  Inquiry. 

One  of  the  best  incidents  of  the  Judge, 
Tim  Campell's  career  in  Congress  occurred 
just  after  the  violent  debate  in  the  Senate 
between  Senator  Ipgalls  and  Voorhees.  The 
words  "  Infernal  liar,"  "dirty  dog,"  "  villian- 
ous  scoundrel,"  and  other  epithets  were  freely 
used.  Two  days  afterward  Judge  Campbell 
was  called  out  of  the  House  by  an  importu- 
nate constituent.  On  his  return  he  entered 
through  the  main  door.  A  violent  spat  be- 
tween two  members  was  in  progress.  The 
Judge  was  half  way  down  the  aisle  when  the 
word  ' '  liar  "  was  used.  Throwing  both  hands 
aloft,  he  shouted  in  a  shrill  falsetto  voice: 
"Mr.  Speaker,  Parliamentary  inquiry." 

The  Speaker  rapped  with  his  gavel  and 
said :  ' '  The  gentleman  rises  to  a  parliament- 
ary inquiry.  He  will  state  it." 

' '  Is  this  the .  United  States  Senate  cham- 
ber ?"  Mr.  Campbell  screamed. 

' '  The  House  broke  into  a  loud  guffaw  and 
the  laughter  continued  for  a  minute  or  more. 
It  broke  up  the  row  between  the  irate  Eepre- 
sentatives,  who  went  to  their  seats  before'the 
merriment  subsided. 


III.  "Help!    Murder!    I'm  poisoned!" 


Different  Nationalities- 

JUDGE  CAMPBELL,  Nicholas  Muller,  Jr. ,  and 
a  mutual  acquaintance  were  standing  on  the 
steps  of  the  Astor  House  picking  their  teeth 
when  a  squad  of  immigrants  came  up  Broad- 
way. They  were  strong,  flaxen-haired  fel- 
lows, with  weather-beaten  faces,  and  over- 
laden with  luggage. 

The  mutual  acquaintance  said :  "I  wonder 
what  country  they  came  from." 

Nicholas  Muller,  Jr.,  who  is  an  expert  in 
such  matters,  replied:  "They  are  Nor- 
wegians." 

'H)h,  no,"  broke  in  Judge  Campbell, 
"  you're  off  there.  They  are  Swedenborgiazis. 
I  can  tell  them  by  their  clothes." 


48 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNSY  JOKES. 


Too  Much  for  Her. 


|   SERVANT— "  Yis,  sorr,  Mrs.  Jones  is  in,    what's 

yer  name,  sorr?  " 

VISITOR — "  Professor  Vandersplinkenheimer." 
SERVANT—"  Och !    Sure  ye'd   better  go  right  in, 

and  take  it  wid  ye." 


Bixby's   Experiment. 

MR,  and  Mrs.  Bixby  had  been  married  ten 
years  and  the  blessing  of  children  had  been 
denied  them,  a  fact  that  caused  them  deep 
regret.  Mrs.  Bixby  of  ten  said: 

"It  must  be  sweet  and  interesting  to  wit- 
ness the  unfolding  and  development  of  the 
infant  mind." 

"Ah,  yes,"  said  Bixby,  "a  child  in  the 
home  must  indeed  be  'a  well  spring  of  joy,' 
a  sort  of  perpetual  poem." 

It  was  soon  after  making  these  speeches 
that  they  went  to  an  orphan  asylum  and 
adopted  "  little  Jacky,"  an  interesting  youth 
of  about  nine  years. 

They  hurried  home  with  their  prize,  eager 
to  witness  the  unfolding  of  the  juvenile  mind. 

It  began  to  unfold  and  develop  before  he 
had  been  ten  minutes  in  the  house.  Latent 
and  unsuspected,  as  well  as  undesired  ten- 
dencies began  to  manifest  themselves  in  Bix- 
by's  "perpetual  poem." 

Before  a  week  Bixby  had  changed  his  mind 
about  a  child  in  the  house  being  a  "well 
spring  of  joy."  He  said  it  was  more  like  a 

sink-hole  of ,"  but  Mrs.  Bixby  wouldn't 

let  him  say  it  all;  she  said  it  sounded  too 
much  like  swearing. 

At  the  end  of  six  weeks  Bixby  transferred 
the  boy  and  all  his  right  to  a  ranch-owner  out 
West,  who  was  on  a  hunt  for  "perpetual 
poems "  out  of  which  he  might  make  good 
cow-boys. 

Bixby  thought  Jacky  was  just  the  boy  the 
ranchman  wanted.  He  had  formed  this 
opinion  from  the  "unfolding"  he  had  wit- 
nessed of  Jacky's  young  mind  and  the  devel- 
opment of  six  weeks. 

In  summing  up  his  losses  afterwards  Bixby 
said  to  a  friend : 

"I  wouldn't  have  one  of  these  things  in 
the  house  again  for  five  hundred  dollars  a 
week,  If  I  thought  I'd  ever  have  one  of  my 
own  now  I'd  go  and  take  Rough  on  Rats,' 
and  Mrs.  Bixby  would  drown  herself.  That 


boy  I  had  for  six  weeks  didn't  leave  a 
whole  piece  of  furniture  in  the  house. 
He  poisoned  our  splendid  old  Maltese 
cat  the  second  day;  he  killed  my  Ply- 
mouth Rock  rooster  the  next  day;  he 
broke  nine  of  the  piano  keys  and 
scratched  his  name  on  each  of  the  four 
legs  with  a  nail.  He  broke  our  pier- 
glass  with  a  tack  hammer ;  tore  all  the 
engravings  out  of  ten  costly  books; 
tied  my  mother-in-law's  wig  on  the  dog's 
head  and  turned  him  loose.  Then  he 
took  her  teeth  and  fixed  them  so  that  he 
could  work  them  with  a  string,  and 
carry  them  off  to  school,  where  he  traded 
them  for  four  glass  marbles.  He  set  fire 
to  the  barn  twice  and  tried  to  paint  all  the 
white  parts  of  my  house  red.  He  broke 
or  tore  or  smashed  something  every  ten 
minutes.  He  insulted  everybody  who  came  to 
the  house.  "He  fought  like  a  tiger  when  I  tried 
to  take  my  revolver  from  him.  I  think  he 
had  two  fights  a  day  every  day  for  six  weeks, 
Next  time  I  want  to  see  anything  xmfold  it- 
self I'll  go  off  and  get  a  half -grown  hyena 
and  turn  it  loose  in  the  house,  so  that  I  can 
have  some  peace  during  the  unfolding  pro- 
cess. " 


Teller  Clay. 

Here  is  the  first  recorded  instance  of  a 
hotel  clerk  being  "sat  on."  .Me  said  there 
was  one  small,  vacant  room  on  the  fifth  floor. 

Bill  Nye  said  that  would  do. 

Still  suspicious,  he  said  the  elevator  was 
not  running. 

Nye  said  he  didn't  care  or  that.  He  could 
climb. 

The  clerk  had  one  more  show  to  turn  him 
out.  He  sprang  it :  "  You  have  to  pay  in 
advance,"  he  said. 

Nye  said-that  was  all  right,  and  was  told  in 
reply  to  his  question  that  the  tariff  would 
be  $2. 50. 

Nye  reached  for  a  roll  and  threw  out  a  $  100 
bill.  The  clerk  stammered,  seeing  that  he 
had  made  the  mistake  so  often  fatal  in  this 
country.  Then  he  said  he  had  no  change. 
Nye  pulled  back  the  $100  bill  and  threw  out 
a  $50.  The  clerk  managed  to  break  that  one, 
and  as  he  did  so,  the  lines  of  good  nature  ex- 
panded all  over  his  face  and  tickled  the  roots 
of  his  hair.  He  had  been  entertaining  an 
angel  unawares.  Nye  gazed  at  this  auroral 
display  of  humor  on  the  clerk's  face  and 
said: 

"  You  remind  me  of  Clay," 

The  display  of  vanity  and  good  nature  on 
the  clerk's  front  would  have  been  worth  a 
gocd  price  as  an  attraction  in  the  window  at 
that  moment. 

" Indeed,"  he  said,  "Henry  Clay?" 

"No,"'  replied  Nye-,  "just  the  common 
every  day,  mean,  yeller  clay,  out  of  which 
they  make  bowls  and  platters  in  a  country 
pottery." 

And  then  he  sought  his  couch. 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


49 


The   Strange  Case  of  Mr.  Tweakle  and  his   Strange  Dis- 
appearance in  Six  Acts. 


Byjove!  this  is  a  nice  retired 
rn  take  a  Plunge. 


Ripples- 

"Ah,  I  say,  old 
chappie,  did  you  call 
on  Miss  DeSmith  last 
week  ?" 

"  Yes,  my  deah 
boy ;  had  an  awfully 
jolly  time,  dontcher- 
know.  Miss  DeSmith 
is  such  a  delightful 
punster." 

"Tell  me,  old  fel- 
low, what  did  she 
say?" 

"By  jove!  vewy 
amusing,  you  know. 
She  asked  me  this 
question :  '  If  a  crazy 
optician  by  his  antics 
made  a  spectacle  of 
himself,  what  would 
two  opticians  in  the 
same  condition  make?' 
I  said  I  couldn't  see 
through  it,  you  know, 
and,  haw!  haw!  she 
said  I  ought,  because 
they  would  make  a 
pair  of  spectacles." 

The  Easiest  "Way 
the  Best. 

A  two  hundred  and 
fifty  pound  colored 
wpmar  got  into  the 
Fifth  avenue  stage  and 
insisted  on  riding  for 
nothing.  Expostula- 
tion did  no  good,  so 
the  driver  called  a 
policeman  to  put  her 
out. 

"  So  you  won't  pay 
your  fare?"  said  the 

.policeman    looking  at      «He  there!  those  are  not  your  clothes. 
her  from  head  to  foot.  Ha !  I  say  there !    Well  I'll  be 

"No,  I'll  die  first. 
They  should  have  giv- 
en me  a  transfer. " 

"But  I  am  obliged 
to  put  you  out  if  you 
don't  pay  your  fare," 
said  the  policeman, 
rolling  up  his  sleeves. 

"You  jes'  try  it," 
said  the  old  lady,  with 
glaring  eyes. 

The  policeman  took 
another  look  at  the 
giantess,  thought  a 
moment,  and  then 
quietly  dropped  a 
nickel  in  the  box.  "  I 
guess  that  is  the  easiest 
way  to  adjust  this 
case,"  he  said,  as  he 
went  whistling  along 

on  his  beat. — [Em  PER-     "  Not  a  very  becoming  suit  but— oh,  if  I 
KINS.  should  meet  any  one ! " 


'bcott  here  comes  Miss  Browne  and 
spot,  her  father.   Now  is  the  time  for  dis- 
appearing. 


How  shall  I  ever  get  over  this? ' 


# 


6 

"  See  you  later." 


50 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


A  Householder's  Pride 


MBS.  HOULIHAN  (of  Harlem)—"  Don't  ye  let  me 
hear  you  spakin'  to  them  OTooles  again,  Mary 
Ann?  Payple  what  have  their  own  houses  shouldn't 
make  so  free  wid  thim  as  lives  in  a  mere  slolce  av  a 
flat?" 


He  Wanted  Blood, 

THE  man  who  is  brave  when,  there  is  no 
danger  is  very  numerous.  The  hero  of  the 
following  incident,  described  by  the  New 
York  "  Sun,"  was  one  of  this  numerous  class: 

I  had  been  riding  in  the  same  seat  with  a 
very  plain  sort  of  a  man  for  the  last  twenty 
miles,  when  a  couple  boarded  our  car  at  a 
junction  and  he  suddenly  uttered  a  buss  word 
as  long  as  my  arm.  I  saw  that  he  was  ex- 
cited by  their  advent  and  naturally  inquired 
if  he  knew  them. 

"Know  'em!  Why,  tha1;  woman  is  my 
wife !"  he  hissed. 

'And  who's  the  .man?" 
'  It's  a  feller  she's  eloping  with." 
'  They  haven't  seen  you  yet,  and  they  are 
nicely  caught.     How  long  ago  did  she  leave?" 
'  Three  days.    I'll  have  a  terrible  revenge." 
1  Are  you  armed?' 

'  I'm  too  dangerous  when  I'm  armed,  and 
I  left  my  revolver  at  home. " 

';  Then  you'll  swoop  down  on  the  man  and 
break  him  in  two?" 

"lorter,  I  suppose,  but  when  I  begin  to 
swoop  I  don't  know  where  to  stop.  I  might 
damage  a  dozen  others.  My  revenge  must  be 
sweet  and  terrible,  however." 

"  How  do  you  propose  to  do?" 

"  I  dunno.     How  would  you  do?" 

"  I  should  go  for  the  man  without  delay." 

"Yes,  that  is  the  proper  way,  I  suppose, 
but  if  I  get  wild  who's  to  hold  me?  I  once 
started  in  to  lick  a  man,  broke  loose,  and  fin- 
ally cleaned  out  a  whole  town  meeting.  I 
must  take  blood  vengeance,  however. " 

"Perhaps  if  you  would  show  yourself  the 
man  would  slink  off  and  the  wife  return  to 
your  bosom,"  I  suggested. 

"I  dunno.  If  he  would  it  would  be  all 
right,  but  suppose  he  tried  to  bluff  me.  That 


would  make  a  fiend  of  me  in  a  moment,  and 
I  should  probably  kill  everybody  in  the  car. 
I  must  have  blood,  however." 

"  Perhaps  you  could  buy  him  off?"  I  said, 
meaning  it  for  a  stab. 

"Yes,  I  might,  but  I  guess  he'd  want 
more'n  I've  got." 

"Well,  do  you  propose  to  sit  here  and  let 
another  man  walk  off  with  your  wife?" 

"No!  By  the  canopy  of  heaven,  no?  I 
demand  his  heart's  blood.  Let  me  think. 
He's  purty  solid,  Isn't  he?" 

"Yee." 

"  Would  probably  fight?" 

"I  think  so." 

"Don't  look  as  if  he'd  let  go  for  $12?" 

"No." 

"  Well,  I  must  plan  for  a  deep  and  lasting 
vengeance.  Let  me  collect  my  thoughts." 

At  this  moment  the  woman  turned  and  saw 
him  and  she  at  once  arose  and  came  back  to 
the  seat.  He  looked  at  her  with  open  mouth, 
and  she  pointed  her  finger  at  him  and  said : 

•'Thomas  Jefferson  Bailey,  you  open  your 
yawp  on  this  kyar  and  I'll  make  you  wish 
you  had  never  been  born!  At  the  next  stop 
you  git  off  or  my  feller  will  make  your  heels 
break  your  neck.  I've  gone  and  left  you,  and 
that's  all  there  is  about  it,  and  it  'tain't  no 
use  to  bother  us.  Mind  now  or  you'll  hear 
from  me !" 

And  she  went  back  to  her  seat,  and  Thomas 
Jefferson  rode  nine  miles  without  another 
word,  and  as  a  stop  was  reached  he  dropped 
off  as  humbly  as  you  please.  He  stood  beside 
the  open  window  until  the  train  moved,  and 
then  whispered  to  me : 

"I  got  off  to  collect  my  thoughts.  Look 
out  for  me  when  I  turn  loose  for  vengeance." 


Rather  too  Smart 

A  St.  Louis  dry-goods  house  advertised  for 
a  "smart  boy,"  and  they  got  him.  They 
put  him  behind  the  counter.  The  following 
conversation  passed  between  him  and  his  first 
customer : 

CUSTOMER  (picking  up  a  pair  of  gloves) : 
What  are  these  ?" 

SMART  BOY  :    Gloves. 

CUSTOMER  :  Yes,  yes ;  but  what  do  you  ask 
for  them  ? 

SMART  BOY  :  We  don't  ask  for  them  at  all ; 
customers  do  that. 

CUSTOMER:  You  don't  understand  me.  How 
do  they  come  ? 

SMART  Boy ;  Why  they  come  in  pairs,  of 
course. 

CUSTOMER:  No,  no!  How  high  do  they 
come  ? 

SMART  BOY  :  Just  above  the  wrist,  I  believe. 

CUSTOMER  :  But  what  do  you  get  for  them  ? 

SMART  BOY:  Me?  I  don't  get  nothing  for 
them.  Boss  pockets  all  the  money. 

CUSTOMER  (losing  patience:  What  is  the 
price  of  those  gloves  per  pair  ? 

SMART  BOY  :  Oh,  thats  your  lay,  is  itf 
Why  didn't  you  say  so  afore !  One  dollar— 
Exchange. 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


51 


Mean  to  the  Last- 


ing  a  death  notice)— "Poor  Jim !  It  says 
he  left  a  wife  and  two  children." 

MKS.  O'FLYNN— "Och,  ye  mi^rht  know  that,    He  was  too 
mean  to  iver  take  them  anywhere  wid  him." 


Why  She  Could  Not  Comply. 

THERE  is  a  spicy  story  of  a  peevish  old 
farmer  who  had  married,  a  young  wife,  and, 
being  lately  on  his  death-bed,  with  his  dearest 
beloved  in  attendance,  was  giving  her  direc- 
tions how  to  go  on  with  the  management  of 
his  estate  after  his  decease ;  when,  after  some 
other  questions,  she  asked  him : 

"  As  you  have  been  so  kind  as  to  leave  the 
whole  stock  on  this  farm  to  me  it  is  not  to  be 
supposed  that  I  shall  be  long  without  a  num- 
ber of  suitors;  pray,  my  dear,  have  you  any 
desire  that  I  should  marry  any  particular 
person  in  preference  to  anothar,  for  it  is  my 
intention  to  act  agreeably  to  your  wishes?" 

"To  which  he  very  waspishly  replied: 
"Marry? — why,  you  may  marry  the  devil  if 
you  like !" 

"Oh,  my  love,"  she  replied,  in  a  very  ten- 
der tone,  ' '  that  can't  be  done,  for,  if  you  re- 
collect, my  dear,  it  is  not  lawful  to  marry  two 
brothers. " — America. 


She  Was  Modest. 

MR.  JONES — "I  was  thinking  of  going  to 
the  Howard  to-night,  Mary.  Do  you  care  to 
£0?" 

Mrs.  Jones — "What  kind  of  an  entertain- 
ment is  it?" 

Mr.  Jones — "  Variety,  I  guess." 

Mrs.  Jones — "  Young  women  in  short  skirts, 
I  suppose." 

Mr.  Jones — "  Very  likely." 

Mrs.  Jones — "Well,  I  don't  care  to  go.  I 
think  it  very  indecorous  for  young  women  to 
appear  on  the  stage  in  short  skirts." 

Then  Mrs.  Jones  went  to  her  bureau  and 
took  out  of  a  little  envelope  her  last  season's 
bathing  suit  and  began  to  look  it  over  to  see 
if  it  needed  any  repairs. — Boston  Courrier. 


Widow  O'Brien's  Toast. 

Father  Foley,  parish  priest  in  a  New 
England  fishing  town,  was  a  clergy- 
man much  beloved  by  his  flock,  and 
well  liked  by  "the  heretics, "likewise, 
for  his  genial  manners  and  capital 
stories.  His  reverence,  though,  of 
course,  a  strict  disciplinarian,  went 
not  a  step  further  than  the  letter  of 
the  law  allowed.  He  was  far  from 
ascetic  in  his  religious  devotion,  being 
a  jolly  lover  of  good  living,  and  by  no 
means  averse  to  a  glass  of  "some- 
thing hot,"  when  paying  a  visit  to  a 
member  of  his  parish.  On  one  of  the 
fast  days — a  cold,  bleak  one,  too — 
Father  Foley,  on  his  way  from  a  dis- 
tant visitation,  dropped  in  to  see 
Widow  O'Brien,  who  was  as  jolly  as 
himself,  and  equally  as  fond  of  the 
creature  comforts,  and,  what  is  better, 
well  able  to  provide  them.  As  it  was 
about  dinner-time,  his  reverence 
thought  he  would  stay  and  have  a 
"  morsel "  with  the  old  dame :  but  what  was 
his  horror  to  see  served  up  in  good  style  a 
pair  of  splendid  roast  ducks ! 

'  •  Oh,  musha !  Mistress  O'Brien,  what  have 
ye  there !"  he  exclaimed,  in  well-feigned  sur- 
prise. 

"Ducks,  yer  riverence." 
' '  Ducks !  roast  ducks  ?  and  this  a,  f ast-day 
of  the  holy  Church !" 

' '  Wisha !  I  never  thought  of  that ;  but  why 
can't  we  ate  a  bit  of  duck,  yer  riverence?" 

"Why?  Because  the  Council  of  Trint) 
won't  have  us — that's  why." 

"  Well,  well,  now  but  I'm  sorry  fur  that, 
fur  I  can  only  give  ye  a  bite  of  bread  and 
cheese  and  a  glass  of  something  hot.  Would 
that  be  any  harruui,  sir?" 

' '  Harrum !  by  no  manner,  woman.  Sure  we 
must  live  any  way,  and  bread  and  cheese  is 
not  forbid." 

"  Nather  whiskey  punch?" 
"Natherthat." 

' '  Well,  thin,  yer  riverence,  would  it  be  any 
harrum.  fur  me  to  give  a  toast?" 

"By  no  names,  Mrs.  O'Brien.  Toast  away 
as  much  as  ye  like,  bedad !" 

"Well,  thin,  here's  to  the  Council  of  Trint, 
fur  if  it  keeps  us  from  atiri1  it  dosen't  keep  us 
from  drinkin1  /" 

No  one  enjoyed  this  story  better  than 
Father  Foley  himself,  who  never  tired  of  tel- 
ling it. 


What  he  did  Know. 

"Do  you  know,"  asked  the  temperance 
worker  of  Old  Burton,  ' '  that  every  drink  of 
malt  liquor  drives  a  nail  in  your  coffin?" 

"I  don't  know  that;  but  I  know  it  drives 
an  ale  in  me,"  he  replied. 

WHEN  a  Detroit  policeman  marries  he  is  in 
a  very  short  time  confronted  by  a  great  prob- 
lem of  his  life,  viz. :  Where  to  hide  his  clut 
so  that  his  wife  can't  find  it. 


52 


XEIV  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


Flooring  A  Magistrate. 

An  amusing  scene  was  recently  enacted  in 
,a  court-room  in  a  small  country  town.  The 
magistrate,  a  high,  pompous  official,  with  a 
•  voice  like  a  trombone,  took  it  upon  himself 
to  examine  a  witness, — a  little,  withered  old 
man,  whose  face  was  as  red  and  wrinkled  as 
a  smoked  herring. 

"What  is  your  name  ?"  asked  the  justice. 

"Why,  squire,"  said  the  astonished  wit- 
ness, you  know  my  name  as  well  as  I  know 
yourn." 

"Never  you  mind  what  I  know,  or  what  I 
don't  know,'  was  the  caution  given  with  mag- 
isterial severity.  ' '  I  asked  the  question  in 
my  official  capacity,  and  you  are  bound  to 
answer  it  under  oath." 

With  a  contemptuous  snort  the  witness 
gave  his  name,  and  the  questioning  proceed- 
ed. 

"Where  do  you  live  ?" 

"Well,  I  declare  !"  ejaculated  the  old  man. 
"Why,"  he  continued,  appealing  to  the  laugh- 
ing listeners,  *'  I've  lived  in  this  town  all  my 
life,  and  so's  he,"  pointing  to  the  justice,  "an 
to  hear  him  go  on,  you'd  think — 

"  Silence  !  thundered  the  irate  magistrate. 
"Answer  my  question,  or  I'll  fine  you  for 
contempt  of  court. "  Alarmed  by  the  threat, 
the  witness  named  his  place  of  residence,  and 
the  examination  went  on. 

"What  is  your  occupation  ?" 

"Huh?"    ' 

"  What  do  you  do  for  a  living  ?" 

' '  Oh,  get  out,  squire,  Just  as  if  you  don't 
know  that  I  tend  gardens  in  the  summer  sea- 
son an'  sell  coal  in  winters  ?" 

'  'As  a  private  citizen  I  do  know  it,  but  as 
the  court  I  know  nothing  about  you, "ex- 
claimed the  perspiring  justice. 

"Well,  squire,"  remarked  the  puzzled  wit- 
ness, '  'if  you  know  somethin'  outside  the  court- 
room an'  don't  know  nothin'  in  it,  you'd  bet- 
ter get  out  an'  let  somebody  try  this  case 
that's  got  some  sense." 

The  advice  may  have  been  well  meant,  but 
it  cost  the  witness  fifteen  dollars. 


Divorce  in  the  Future- 

JUDGE — "You  say,  madam,  that  the  de- 
fendant's language  to  you  was  of  the  most 
profane  and  abusive  character  ?" 

Plaintiff  (choking  with  sobs)  —  "Y-y-yes, 
sir.  It  was  awful." 

Judge— "I  am  very  sorry,  madam,  but 
your  testimony  on  that  point  is  not  sufficient. 
Have  you  no  witnesses  to  corroborate  you  on 
this  subject  ?" 

Plaintiff 's  Attorney — "One  moment,  your 
honor.  I  am  able  to  reproduce  exactly  the 
language  used  to  my  client  by  the  defendant 
on  several  occasions.  William,  turn  the 
crank  of  that  phonograph." 

Phonograph—"—!     !     !     !     !     5!!!!" 

Judge — "Give  the  plaintiff  her  decree." — 
America. 


The  Boy,  the  Barrel,  and  the  Cop. 


i. 

"What's  this?  Stolen 
from  41  ?  well,  it  goes 
back,  or  I'll  know  th» 
reason  why." 


"You  didn't  bring  it 
from  41,  hey,  Mr.  49  ?  but 
yer'll  take  it  back  just 
the  same." 


in. 

"  There'll  be  fun  when 
he  see  this.  I  wish  Tom- 
my Jones  was  here  to  see 
it." 


rv. 

"  Who  knows  best 
whether  yer  stole  that 
from  49,  me  or  you,  41  ? 
This  thing  has  got  to  be 
stopped  right  here." 


v. 

"  Well,  I'll  be  jiggered ! 
Here's  one  from  149.  If 
these  people 


VI. 

Think  1  am  going  to 
spend  all  my  time  hav- 
ing barrels  returned 
they  are  mistaken,  that's 
all." 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


53 


Dat  Mule  of  Sin. 

"  IN  de  X,  V,  three  I's  ob  two  Samuel,  an' 
nine  verses  from  de  beginnin',  I  fin'  dese  re- 
ma'kable  wo'ds  :  'An'  de  mule  dat  was  un- 
dah  him  went  away. '  '  'Who  gwme  to  doubt 
de  troof  ob  de  Scriptahs  af tah  dat  ?  Dat 
was  put  down  in  writin'  about  de  mule  'way 
back  in  ole  King  Dabid's  time — mo'  yeahs 
ago  den  all  yo  bruddahs  an'  sistahs  kin  ma'k 
down  on  bot'e  sides  ob  a  clapbo'd  wid  a  bit  ob 
coal,  in  a  week ;  an'  heah  am  dat  very  same 
kind  ob  mule  libbin'  to  dis  very  day — de  very 
mule  dat  was  undah  you  an'  gits  away.  Who 
gwine  to  doubt  de  troof  ob  de  Scriptahs  aftah 
dat? 

'  'An'  da*  very  mule  dat  h'isted  Absolem, 
an'  went  away  an'  lef '  him,  jes'  ez  like  ez  not  'a 
libbin'  yit. 


kick  up  his  hoofs  an'  went  away  f o'  to  fotch 
the  debbel,  to  show  him  whan  he  dump  a 
load  ob  sinnahs  fo'  him.  Dat  mule  ob  sin  is 
libbin'  yit ! 

"Las'  wintah  was  a  yeah,  you  all  mind 
young  Richa'd  William  got  religion  in  dis 
sanctua'y.  Dat  same  night  he  was  ridin' 
home  'cross  'Possum  Bottom  Ford,  an'  de 
mule  dat  was  undah  him  went  away  an'  left 
him  sittin'  dah.  An'  I  hain't  nebbah  been 
able  fo'  to  git  dat  young  Richa'd  Williams 
neah  enough  to  de  watah  to  baptize  him  since. 
Dat  mule  of  sin  is  libbin  yit,  shoo  !" — Ptick. 


"  Dat  mule  ain't  no  bettah  fo'  bein'  a  Scrip- 
tah  mule.  It  was  jes'  his  own  ohn'riness  dat 
took  him  undah  de  limb  ob  a  tree  fo'  to 
scrape  Absolpm  off.  '  An'  den  de  mule  dat 
was  undah  him  went  away  !'  He  went  away 
jes'  ez  fast  ez  his  legs  'u'd  cayah  him,  an'  lef' 
young  Absolom  hanging  dah. 

"  You  bruddahs  and  sistahs  is  all  ob  you 
ridin'  some  mule  ob  sin.  You  is  settin'on 
sideways,  an'  straddle,  in  carnal  security. 
You  is  starin'  all  about  you  at  de  vanity  ob 
vanities  ;  you  is  holdin'^on  to  de  eahs  an'  de 
tail.  Some  ob  you  sistahs  is  sittin'  up  behin', 
in  your  carnal  security,  huggin'  de  bruddahs ; 
an'  some  ob  you  bruddahs  is  reachin'  'round 
fcicklin'  de  sistahs  ;  an'  dah  you  go  on  de 
back  ob  dat  mule  ob  sin,  prancin'  and  dancin' 
an'  cumfilootin.  You  ain't  takin'  no  notice 
ob  how  soon  dat  mule  is  gwine  to  h'ist  you. 
You  ain't  taking  no  notice  ob  how  soon  dat 
mule  dat  is  undah  you  is  goin'  to  went  away 
from  dah  an'  leab  you.  He's  gwine  to  leab 
you  in  a  pile  'longside  ob  de  road,  to  de  deb- 
ble.  He's  gwine  to  souse  you  in  de  mud  ob 
perdition,  er  flam  you  into  de  fence  co'ner  of 
iniquity,  er  leab  you  sittin'  straddle  ob  de 
sha'p  rail  ob  wickedness.  Den  he'll  leab  out 
a  hee-hawnk,  hee-hawnk,  an'  flop  his  tail,  an' 


In  a  Nut  Shell. 

When  a  wife  tells  her  tipsy  husband  to 
come  straight  upstairs  to  bed,  she  asks  him  to 
do  something  impossible. 

Sir  Isaac  Newton  made  money  by  seeing  an 
apple  fall.  Some  women  make  money  by 
keeping  an  apple  stand. 

The  man  who  dances  pays  the  piper.  So  it 
is  just  as  well  not  to  dance  in  these  days. 

Any  man  can  marry  comfortably  if  he  has 
sufficient  money  to  procure  a  license.  The 
hitch  comes  when  the  knot  is  tied. 

Orderly  sages  always  file  their  wisp  saws. 

There  can  never  be  any  objection  to  a  cigar 
manufacturer  puffing  his  own  goods. 

Men  who  have  horse  sense  know  when  to 
say  neigh. 

"Will  Stockton  Sign  Hen 

"That  cook  would  make  a  good  baseball 
player." 

"Why  so?" 

"  A  fly  got  into  the  batter  when  she  was 
serving  the  griddles,  and  the  way  she  caught 
that  fly  from  the  batter  was  a  sight  to  rush 
an  umpire  into  an  early  grave. " 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


Thoroughly  Disguised, 


MBS.  LASHING-TON— "Oh,  it's  you,  Is  it  ?  I  thought 
it  was  a  burglar." 

MB.  LTTSHINGTON— "  No,  dear,  I  ain't  no  burglar 
(hie)  r~a  a  temperance  lecturer  in  disguise." 


A  Whist  Player  who  caught  a  Tartar. 

The  late  Josh  Billings  was  once  on  a  pas- 
senger train  bound  for  his  old  home  at  Lanes- 
borough,  Mass.  On  the  train  were  several 
commercial  travelers,  who,  to  while  away 
the  time,  proposed  a  game  of  whist.  A  fourth 
man  was  wanted,  and  a  gentleman  sitting 
near  was  requested  to  take  a  hand. 

"No;  I  do  not  play.      But  there  is  an  old 
fellow  who  is  a  capital  player;  try  him"- 
pointing  to  the   "old  fellow,"  who  sat  de- 
murely on  the  seat  in  front. 

"  Good  player,  is  he  ?"  said  the  commercial 
man.  "Then  we'll  have  some  fun  with  old 
Hayseed;"  and,  accosting  the  quiet,  farmer- 
like  passenger,  the  young  man,  whose  cheek 
was  his  fortune,  blandly  said:  " My  venera- 
ble friend,  we  would  like  to  have  you  take  a 
hand  in  a  game  of  cards  with  us,  just  to 
while  away  the  time.  Will  you  oblige  us  ?" 

Looking  the  young  man  in  the  face  a 
moment,  "Old  Hayseed  "  answered,  "Ya-as, 
we'll  be  there  in  abaout  three  hours. " 

"You  don't  understand,  my  friend;  we 
want  you  to  take  a  hand " 

"Ya-as,  the  stand  o'corn  is  very  good — on- 
common  handsome." 

"The  commercial  man  was  annoyed. 
"Speak  a  little  louder,"  suggested  the  gen- 
tleman in  the  seat  behind;  "he  is  somewhat 
hard  of  hearing.'' 


"My  friend  !"  shouted  the  young  fellow, 
"  will — you — take — a — hand — in — a — game  ?" 

"  Ya-as,  game  is  oncoumon  plenty;  all  you 
want  is -" 

' '  Oh,  go  to  the  devil  !  You're  as  deaf  as  a 
post  !"  and  the  man  of  cheek  subsided,  amid 
the  laughter  of  his  companions. 

"  When  Lanesborough  was  reached,  "Old 
Hayseed  "  arose  to  depart,  when  he  quietly 
handed  his  card  to  the  commercial  man,  who 
sat  glum  in  his  seat,  and  in  a  particularly 
comical  way,  remarked :  ' '  Young  man,  when 
you  travel  on  your  cheek,  don't  get  hayseed 
in  your  eye.  See  ?" 

The  young  fellow  glanced  at  the  card.  The 
superscription  was — "Josh  Billings." 

Josh  got  off  the  train,  and  the  ma'n  of  cheek 
had  to  find  a  seat  in  another  car  to  escape 
the  "  run  "  on  him  by  his  companions. 


Gallantry  Rewarded. 

Billy  Emerson,  the  minstrel,  while  attend- 
ing a  theatrical  performance  in  London,  says 
the  N.  Y.  "World,"  saw  a  lady  drop  her 
programme  from  the  box  she  occupied. 

"I  picked  it  up,"  he  goes  on  to  relate, 
"and  handed  it  to  her.  She  was  a  great 
swell,  I  could  see,  and  I  noticed  that  she 
looked  at  me  pretty  hard.  '  Hello,'  thinks  I, 
'  I  guess  I've  made  a  mash.'  I  had  on  a  bang- 
up  suit  and  looked  pretty  natty.  So  I  looked 
at  my  lady  again  with  a  sort  of  half  eye. 
Just  then  the  curtain  went  down  and  she 
made  a  beckoning  motion  with  her  head. 
'  Aha  ! '  I  says  to  myself,  '  I've  made  an  im- 
pression on  her  Royals  !'  I  leaned  forward 
and  I'll  be  smashed  into  pulp  if  she  didn't 
hand  me  a  sixpence  ! 

"  '  What's  this  for  !'  said  I. 

' ' '  Ah,  you  were  kind  enough  to  hand  me 
my  programme,'  she  said. 

"  Well,  you  can  bet  I  was  mad. 

"  '  Excuse  me,  madam,'  said  I,  putting  the 
coin  on  the  edge  of  the  box,  'I  am  an 
American !' " 


Reformation  Goes  Bravely  On. 

"Have  you  any  poll  parrots,"  asked  the 
elderly  lady,  as  she  went  into  the  bird  store. 

"  Yes.  ma'am;  here  is  one  that  is  a  beauty, 
and  highly  educated." 

"  Does  he — does  he  swear  ?" 

"No  ma' am;  I  would  have  recommended 
you  this  one,  only  the  old  fellow  is  very 
profane  at  times." 

"  How  much  is  the — the  profane  one  ?" 

' '  Why  ma'am,  you  wouldn't  take  him  !" 

"Yes,  I  would.  There  are  no  men  in  the 
house,  and  I  think  it  would  be  such  a  Chris- 
tian act  to  reform  him." 


CAREFUL  MAN.— Gamin  (to  street  peddler)-— 
Say,  mister,  are  you  really  blind? 

Peddler— No.  I  sell  these  cough  drops  for 
my  blind  brother,  who  stays  around  the  cor 
ner  to  look  out  for  cops. 


NEW  YARNS  AND  -FUNNY  JOKES. 


The  Rise  of  Silas  Clapham,  or  the 


Not  Incommoded  at  AIL 

The  street-car  gave  a  sudden  lurch  in 
founding  a  curve,  and  the  charming  young 
frirl  who  was  clinging  to  a  strap  nearly  sat 
down  in  the  lap  of  the  man  with  a  fur-lined 
overcoat  who  was  sitting  in  the  corner. 

"I  beg  your  pardon,  sir,"  she  exclaimed, 
hastily. 

"Not  at  all,  miss,"  he  replied  encourag- 
nigly .  ' '  Try  it  again. " 

Another  kind  of  Halo. 

"  A  telephone  girl  always  reminds  me  of  a 
pictured  saint." 

"Why?" 

"  There  is  a  continual  '  hello'  around  her 
head." 


Romance  of  the  Railroad  Torpedo. 


The   Elevator   Boy's   Turn   to  "Wink. 

The  elevator  was  full  as  he  got  on  the 
seventh  floor,  and  as  he  stepped  in  he  said  to 
the  boy  in  an  off-hand  way,  with  a  wink  at 
the  other:  "Does  this  train  go  the  bottom!'* 

"No,"  snapped  the  boy,  giving  the  rope  a 
sudden  jerk,  "  it  don't  but  the  car  does,  and 
it  don't  stop  for  water  on  the  way,  and  no 
repairs  ain't  going  to  be  done  on  it  between 
trips,  and  it  never  run  away  from  me,  and  it 
ain't  too  fast  for  such  a  slow  crowd,  and  we 
don't  issue  no  insurance  policies  to  those  who 
ride  on  it,  and  there  ain't  no  draft  in  the 
shaft,  and  say,"  as  the  car  stopped  on  the 
ground  floor  and  the  -vould-be  funny  man 
darted  from  the  car  and  started  for  the  street, 
"if  you  come  back  here  I'll  tell  the  rest  of 
your  old  jokes,"  and  the  elevator-boy  winked. 


56 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


Some  Changes  in  Expressions. 


1 — ME.  SOKEB  (at  the  lecture}—"  There,  Mandy ! 


It   made  a  Difference. 

Some  years  ago  in  a  certain  town  in  Con- 
necticut, there  dwelt  a  Baptist  minister  who, 
at  the  period  of  which  J.  speak,  was  without 
a  church.  In  the  same  town  there  also  dwelt 
a  gentleman  who  was  a  strong  Uniyersalist, 
and  who  so  closely  resembled  the  minister  in 
form  and  feature  that  he  was  often  mistaken 
for  that  gentleman.  One  Saturday  evening  a 
good  old  deacon  of  one  of  the  Baptist  churches 
of  the  town,  in  passing  down  one  of  the 
streets,  met,  as  he  supposed,  our  good  friend 
the  minister ;  and,  as  the  pastor  of  his  church 
was  on  a  vacation,  he  thought  it  would  be  a 
good  plan  to  engage  this  minister  to  take  his 
place  for  one  day ;  so  he  addressed  him  as  fol- 
lows: 

' '  Brother,  what  will  you  charge  to  preach 
to  our  Baptist  friends  to-morrow?" 

Our  Universalist  friend — for,  of  course,  it 
was  he,  replied  as  follows :  "  If  I  preach  your 
doctrine,  deacon,  it  will  cost  you  ten  dollars, 
but  if  you  will  allow  me  to  preach  mine  it 
shan't  cost  you  a  d — n  cent." 

The  horrified  deacon  shot  around  the  near- 
est corner.  Doubtless  thinking  the  minister 
had  taken  leave  of  his  senses. 


A  Story  as  is  a  Story. 

The  reader  is  expected  to  believe 
the  following  story  in  every  partic- 
ular:—"When  a  young  man,  I  was 
traveling  in  Western  New  York,  and 
late  of  a  stormy  night  applied  at  a  log 
cabin  for  lodging.  The  occupant,  a 
woman,  refused  it,  saying  her  husband, 
and  sons  were  out  hunting,  and  if  they 
found  me  there  would  murder  me.  I 
preferred  the  chance  to  the  storm, 
and  she  consented  that  I  might  lie 
down  before  the  fire.  In  the  night  I 
heard  them  coming,  and  scrambled  up 
the  chimney.  Thinking  I  was  safe 
when  at  the  top,  I  stepped  over  the 
roof,  and  jumped  down  back  of  the 
cabin,  struck  plump  into  a  wolf -trap. 
A  scream  of  pain  from  me  brought 
the  man  and  boys  out,  and  they  dec- 
lared I  deserved  a  much  more  severe 
punishment  than  death,  so  they  kept 
me  both  in  the  trap  and  suspense  un- 
til morning,  and  then  heading  me  up 
in  a  hogshead  with  no  light  or  air  but 
a  bunghole  they  put  me  on  a  sled, 
drove  me  some  four  miles  up  a  hill, 
and  then  rolled  me  off  to  starve. 
This  I  undoubtedly  should  have 
done,  but  for  a  very  singular  occur- 
rence. The  wolves  smelt  me  out  and 
gathered  round  my  prison,  when  one 
of  them  in  turning  round  happened  to 
thrust  his  tail  into  the  bunghole.  It 
was  my  only  chance.  I  caught  a  firm 
hold,  and  held  on  like  death  to  a  nig- 
ger, which  frightened  the  wolf,  of 
"  course,  and  he  started  down  the  hill 

followed  by  the  hogshead  and  me.  It 
was  a  very  uneasy  ride  over  the  stones 
and  stumps ;  but  I  had  no  idea  how  long  it 
was,  until  the  hogshead  striking  a  stone 
fairly,  the  staves  worn  by  long  travel 
were  broken  in  and  I  jumped  out,  and  found 
myself  way  down  the  lower  end  of  Cattarau- 
gus  county,  some  thirty  miles  from  the  scene 
of  the  disaster." 


A  Conditional  Offer. 

A  recent  jury  case  in  this  city,  m  which 
one  juror  agreed  to  vote  for  conviction  if  a 
certain  other  juror  would,  recalls  the  story 
of  two  Dakota  citizens  at  a  revival  meeting. 

After  an  earnest  exortation  by  the  speaker, 
one  of  the  citizens  remarked : 

u  What  d'ye  say,  Bill — see  any  thin' in  it?" 

"  Well,  I  dunno,"  was  the  reply ;  "  what  do 
you  think 'bout  it?" 

"  I'll  tell  you  what  I'll  do,  Bill,"  said  the 
first  speaker,  somewhat  excited ; ' '  I'll  confess 
religion,  if  you  will. " 

WHEN  ! — Crowd  (in  elevator) — How  soon 
does  this  elevator  go  up,  boy  ? 

Elevator  Boy  (reading) — Jes'  as  soon  as  I 
find  out  if  the  gal  who  leaped  from  the  cliff 
was  caught  by  her  feller,  who  stood  on  the  rock, 
one  thousand  feet  below. 


NEW  YAENS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


57 


An  Inveterate  Joker's  Little 
Racket. 

Jack  Pringle  is  a  man  who  never 
wasted  an  opportunity,  or  puts  off 
for  to  morrow  the  joke  that  can  be 
done  to-day.  Going  down  street 
last  Wednesday  he  was  accosted 
by  a  little  nervous  man  who  had 
an  impediment  in  his  speech. 

Said  the  stranger:  ''C-canyou 
t-tell  me  w-where  I  can  g-get 
s-s-some  t-t-tin  t-tacks?" 

"With  much  pleasure,  sir,"  re- 
plied Jack  who  realized  the  posi- 
tion at  once,  and,  having  directed 
his  interlocutor  to  the  shop  of  a 
neighboring  iron  monger,  by  a 
somewhat  circuitous  route,  he  him- 
self hurried  off  to  the  spot  by  a 
short  cut.  Now  the  iron  monger 
was  having  his  dinner  in  a  little 
back  parlor,  but  when  Jack  enter- 
ed the  premises  he  came  forward 
briskly,  bowing  and  rubbing  his 
hands  together  in  that  peculiarly 
servile  manner  that  is  character- 
estic  of  the  British  shop-keeper. 

' '  Do  y-you  s-sell  t-tin  t-tacks  ?" 
said  Jack,  assuming  a  stammer' 
'  Oh,  yes,  sir ;  certainly,  sir. " 
'  G-g-good  long  ones !" 
'  Yes,  sir;  all  sizes,  sir." 
'  W-with  s-s-sharp  points?" 
'  Yes,s  ir,  very  sharp  points." 

'W-w-well,  then,  s  s  sit  down  on 
*em,  and  w-w- wait  till  I  c-call  again. " 

Having  ''given  his  order,"  Jack  thought  it 
prudent  to  retire  at  once,  as  there  were  sev- 
eral heavy  articles  within  easy  access  of  the 
proprietor's  hands. 

The  old  man  had  hardly  cooled  down  and 
returned  to  his  meal,  which  had  also  cooled 
down  unpleasantly,  when  the  real  "Simon 
pure"  entered  the  shop,  and  again  the  iron- 
monger came  forth,  • '  washing  his  hands  with 
invisible  soap  in  imperceptible  water. " 

"  Do  y-you  s-sell  t-tin  t-tacks !"  said  the  lit- 
tle man. 

Luckily  the  door  was  open,  so  the  customer 
successfully  avoided  the  two  flat-irons  hurled 
at  him. 

As  to  the  remarks  made  by  the  dealer  in 
ferruginous  goods,  the  printer  says  that  they 
"  run  too  much  on  sorts,"  and  "  he  is  not  go- 
ing to  cut  up  a  lot  of  rule  to  make  dashes." 


•REPJIE:.S 

DROP 

WHISKEY 


2.— MKS.  SOKER— "There,  Silas ! " 


"Wade  Hampton's  Story 

According  to  a  Washington  letter,  Senator 
Wade  Hampton  is  a  good  story  teller.  As 
far  as  is  known  he  is  up  to  this  time  the  only 
man  who  has  had  the  temerity  to  tell  the 
President  an  impious  tale,  and  General  Har- 
rison was  actually  very  much  pleased  with 
the  narrative.  "I  always  did  like  army 
stories,"  he  says,  "and  you  can't  expect 
army  stories  to  be  good  enci1^  -.r»  tell  3  Sun- 


day-school class.  I  forgave  the  profanity  of 
Senator  Hampton's  story  out  of  consideration 
for  it's  wit." 

"  One  day  during  the  war,"  said  the  Sena- 
tor, ' '  the  Colonel  of  a  South  Carolina  regi- 
ment was  making  a  round  of  inspection.  Sit- 
ting lazily  on  a  rail  fence  whittling  at  a  piece 
of  shingle  he  found  a  man  whose  face  was 
not  familiar  to  him.  The  Colonel  was  indig- 
nant. Approaching  the  loafer  he  called  out 
to  him  with  all  proper  severity.  'Who  the 

are  you,  sitting  here  in  this  fashion  ?''     'I 

sir, "  responded  the  man  on  the  fence,  continu- 
ing his  whittling,  'am  the  chaplain  of  the 
st  regiment.  Now,  who  in are  you?' " 


A  matter  of  daily  Bread. 

"My  friend,"  said  the  long-coated  old  man, 
solemnly,  "have  you  made  preparation  for 
the  day  of  judgment?" 

"Sir,"  replied  the  young  man,  "  that's  how 
I  make  my  living." 

"Young  man!" 

"  I'm  employed  in  the  sheriff's  office." 

"  I'VE  just  read  some  statistics  about  the 
frequency  of  divorces  in  the  United  States." 

"  It  seems  to  me  they  ought  to  change  '  Un- 
til death  do  us  part'  into  '  Until  divorce  do 
us  part.'" 


58 


NEW  YAKNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


Beauty  on  All  Fours. 

THE  other  day  I  accidently  ran  across  a 
member  of  the  new  school  of  physical  cul- 
ture women,  whom  I  take  to  be  the  same  wo- 
men who  recently  made  a  man  rich  by  letting 
him  prescribe  hot  water  by  the  quart  three 
times  a  day,  as  the  great  Catholicon  and  beau- 
tifier. 

"Is  it  possible,1'  I  asked,  "that  there  are 
ladies  who  will  walk  around  and  around  their 
rooms  on  their  hands  and  knees — " 

"Hands  and  feet,"  she  said,  interrupting 
me:  "  on  their  four  palms." 

"There  really  are  such. persons?" 

"  I  am  one,"  said  she. 

"And  there  are  ladies  who  lie  on  their 
backs  and  gesticulate  with  all  their  limbs, 
like  an  overturned  beetle  endeavoring  to 
right  himself?" 

"Yes,  yes,"  she  said;  "and  its  most  bene- 
ficial. You  don't  know  how  beneficial  it  is. " 

"Will  you  kindly  tell  me  where  your  sense 
of  humor  is  when  you  are  engaged  in  these 
most  peculiar  performances?'1 

"I  don't  know,"  said  the  lady.  "  I  think 
it  must  be  wherever  it  belongs.  Why?" 

"Oh,  nothing,"  I  replied,  picturing  in  sil- 
ence to  myself  the  utter  impossibility  of  my 
locking  my  chamber  door  and  transforming 
myself  into  a  circus  of  such  dimensions. 
Breaking  the  silence,  I  asked:  "And  do  you 
go  up  and  down  stairs  on  all  fours,  as  some 
do?" 

" Oh,  no," she  replied,  with  a  sigh.  "It  is 
impossible  for  most  persons  to  do  that.  One 
must  be  alone  in  a  house  to  make  it  possible. 
It  is  a  pity,  for  it  would  be  very  beneficial. 
As  we  can't  do  that,  we  are  ordered  to  take 
carriage  rides  over  the  roughest  roads  in 
town.'7 


He  Makes  the  Line  Popular, 

IN  the  smoking-car,  along  with  half  a  dozen 
others  of  us,  was  an  engineer  who  was  going 
down  to  Peoria,  and  after  a  time  the  Judge 
started  to  draw  him  out  by  saying: 

"  I  presume  you  have  had  your  share  of 
close  shaves,  along  with  other  engineers?" 

"  I  have,  sir,"  was  the  reply. 

"Been in  many  smash-ups?" 

"A  full  dozen,  I  guess." 

"  Any  particular  adventure  that  might  be 
called  wonderful?" 

"Why,  yes,  I  did  have  one, "replied  the 
man,  after  relighting  his  old  cigar  stump.  ' '  I 
didn't  think  it  any  great  shave  myself,  but 
the  boys  cracked  it  up  as  something  extra. " 

"  Let  us  hear  about  it,"  said  the  Judge,  as 
he  passed  him  a  Havana. 

"  Well,  one  day  about  three  years  ago  I  was 
coming  west  with  the  lightning  express  and 
was  running  to  make  up  lost  time.  Down 
here  about  twenty  miles  two  roads  cross,  as 
you  will  see,  and  there  are  a  lot  t>f  switches 
and  side  tracks.  I  had  just  whistled  for  the 
crossing  and  put  on  brakes  when  the  coup- 
ling between  the  tender  and  the  baggage  car 
broke." 


"  I  see,  I  see,"  murmured  the  Judge. 

"At  the  same  moment  something  went 
wrong  with  old  No.  40,  and  I  could  not  shut 
off  steam.  She  sprang  away  like  a  flash,  and 
as  she  struck  the  crossing  she  left  the  track 
and  entered  a  meadow  filled  with  stumps." 

"Good  heavens!" 

"She  kept  a  straight  course  for  about  forty 
rods,  smashing  the  stumps  every  second,  and 
then  leaped  a  ditch,  struck  the  rails  of  the 
D.  and  R.  Road,  and,  after  a  wabble  or  two, 
settled  down  and  ran  for  two  miles. " 

"Amazing!  Amazing!" 

"  Then,  at  a  crossing,  she  left  the  metals, 
entered  a  cornfield,  and  bearing  to  the  right, 
plowed  her  way  across  the  country  until  she 
came  to  our  own  road  again.  She  had  a  long 
jump  to  make  over  a  marsh,  but  she  made  it, 
struck  the  rails  and  away  she  went." 

' '  You — don't    say — so  ?" 

"I  was  now  behind  my  train,  and,  after  a 
run  of  two  miles,  I  got  control  of  the  engine, 
ran  up  and  coupled  to  the  palace  car,  and 
went  into  Ashton  pushing  the  train  ahead  of 
me." 

"  Great  Scott?    And  was  no  one  hurt?" 

"Not  a  soul,  and  not  a  thing  broken.  The 
superintendent  played  a  mean  trick  on  mer 
though." 

"How?" 

1 '  Why,  the  farmer  who  owned  the  meadow 
paid  the  company  $18  for  the  stumps  I  had 
knocked  out  for  him,  while  the  cornfield  man, 
charged  $9  for  damages.  The  superintendent 
pocketed  the  balance  of  the  money. " 

"The  scoundrel?    And  how  much  are  you 
paid  a  month?" 
'Ninety  dollars." 
'  That's  for  running  on  the  road  ?' 
'Yes." 

'  And  nothing  for  lying?" 
'Not  a  red." 

'  That's  an  outrage.  The  superintendent 
is  an  old  friend  of  mine,  and  I'll  see  that  you 
get  the  $9  on  the  stumpage  and  a  salary  of 
$200  a  month  as  long  as  you  live.  It  is  such 
men  as  you  who  make  a  line  popular." 

A  Debtor's  Paradise. 

"  It  appears  to  me,"  said  Serena  to  Sylves- 
ter, "  that  you  kiss  me  entirely  too  often.  I 
suppose,  when  we  are  married  people'' — and 
she  slightly  blushed—  "  you  will  not  think  of 
kissing  me  more  than  nineteen  or  twenty 
times  a  day  whereas  now — "  and  she  blushed, 
again. 

• '  Very  true, "  replied  Sylvester.  "  T w  etity 
kisses  a  day  is,  I  believe,  the  normal  stand- 
ard. But  consider,  I  am  twenty-eight  years 
old ;  consequently  have  spent  ten  thousand 
unkissed  days.  Ten  thousand  multiplied  by 
twenty  equals  two  hundred  thousand.  That 
is  to  say,  this  alarming  deficit  will  not  be 
made  up  until  I  have  received  two  hundred 
thousand  kisses.  You  understand  now  what 
is  meant  by  paying  the  debt  of  Nature?" 

"Dear  me,  yes,"  replied  Serena;  "but  I 
never  knew  it  meant  that  I" — Puck. 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


No  Danger. 


YOUNG  SKIPJACK—"  Ah,  I  would  like  to  cross  that  field,  do 
you  think— ah— that  cow  -would  hurt  me  ?" 
FABMEK— "Did  you  ever  hear  of  a  cow  hurtin'  a  calf?" 


She  Knew  Him  By  His    Credentials. 

A  traveler  called  at  nightfall  at  a  farmer's 
house,  the  owner  of  which  was  away  from 
home.  The  mother  and  daughter,  being 
alone,  refused  to  lodge  the  traveler. 

"  How  far  is  it,  then,"  said  he,  "  to  a  house 
where  a  preacher  can  get  lodging?" 

"  Oh,  as  you  are  a  preacher,"  said  the  old 
lady,  "  you  can  stay  here." 

Accordingly  he  dismounted.  He  deposited 
his  saddlebags  in  the  house  and  led  his  horse 
to  the  stable.  Meanwhile  the  mother  and 
daughter  were  debating  the  point  as  to  what 
kind  of  a  preacher  he  was. 

"He  cannot  be  a  Presbyterian,"  said  the 
one,  "for  he  is  not  dressed  enough." 

"He  is  not  a  Methodist,"  said  the  other, 
"  for  his  coat  is  not  the  right  cut  for  a  Meth- 
odist. 

<-If  I  could  find  his  hymn-book,"  said  the 
daughter,  ' '  I  could  tell  what  kind  •£  a  preach- 
er he  is, "  and  with  that  she  thrust  her  hand 
into  the  saddlebag,  and  pulling  out  a  flask  of 
liquor  she  exclaimed,  "La,  mother,  he's  a 
Hard  Shell  Baptist!" — Mercury. 


Can    Anybody  Who    Chews    Tobacco 
go  to  Hea.ven? 

"By  the  way,"  exclaimed  the  Major,  "I 
heard  a  funny  conversation  to-day,  coming 
up  from  Fort  Madison.  The  talk  on  the  train 
had  drifted  upon  the  subject '  of  prohibition 
and  the  duty  of  anti-liquor  people  to  forcibly 
restrain  their  neighbors  from  drinking,  looking 
at  it  from  a  moral  and  religious  point  of  view. 

"The  affirmative  was  maintained  by  a 
farmer's  wife  and  her  husband,  the  former 
doing  nearly  all  the  talking,  while  the  nega- 


tive was  taken  by  two  traveling  men. 
One  of  the  latter,  in  reply  to  an  ex- 
pressed conviction  of  the  farmer's 
wife  that  nobody  who  drank  would 
enter  the  kingdom  of  heaven,  I  said : 
'  You  might  as  well  say  that  no  man 
who  chews  tobacco  can  go  to  heaven. ' 

"The  lady  asked:  'Do  you  think 
that  anybody  that  chews  tobacker 
can  go  to  heaven?' 

'  Why  not?'  was  the  rejoinder. 

"The  farmer's  wife  braced  herself 
for  a  clincher,  while  her  husband  set- 
tled back  in  his  seat  to  enjoy  the  dis- 
comfiture of  audacious  drummer  at  a 
chestnut  which  he  knew  his  better 
half  was  about  to  fire  at  him. 

' ' '  Because,  said  she,  '  Heaven  is 
a  clean  place ;  chewing  tobacker  is  a 
dirty  habit,  and  a  tobacker  chewer  is 
an  unclean  thing,  and  the  Bible  says 
no  unclean  thing  shall  enter  the 
kingdom  of  heaven. ' 

' '  Having  delivered  herself  of  this 
forcible  logic  the  old  lady  looked 
around  upon  the  passengers  with  an 
air  of  superiority  and  triumph. 

"The     commercial     man    waited 


patiently  until  the  farmer  and  his  wife  had 
got  through  laughing,  and  then  quietly  asked : 

"' Where  do  people  go  who  eat  with  their 
knives  and  blow  their  nose  with  their  fingers?' 

"The  rural  couple  said  something  about 
getting  personal,  and  remained  quiet  until 
they  got  off  the  train,  while  the  wretch  who 
had  knocked  them  out  solemnly  took  a  bite 
from  the  end  of  a  plug  half  a  foot  long." — 
Chicago  Herald. 

Breaking  it  Gently. 

Young  wife:  "My  dear,  you  were  the 
stroke  oar  at  College,  weren't  you?" 

Young  husband :    ' '  Yes,  love. " 

"And  a  very  prominent  member  of  the 
gymnastic  class?" 

"  I  was  the  leader." 

"And  quite  a  hand  at  all  athletic  exercises?" 

"  Quite  a  hand?"  My  gracious!  I  was  the 
champion  walker,  the  best  runner,  the  head 
man  at  lifting  heavy  weights,  and  as  for  car- 
rying! Why,  I  could  shoulder  a  barrel  of 
flour  and — 

"Well,  love,  just  please  carry  the  baby  a 
couple  of  hours.  I'm  tired." 

Demanding  a  New  Trial. 

A  verdict  of  murder  in  the  first  degree  had 
just  been  brought  in. 

"Your  Honor,"  said  the  prisoner's  counsel, , 
rising  and  addressing  the  court.  "I  demand! 
anew  trial." 

"On    what    ground?"    asked  the  Judge. 

' '  On  the  ground  that  some  members  of  the 
jury  are  incompetent  to  render  a  just  verdict. 
Among  them  are  an  undertaker,  a  rope  manu- 
facturer, a  florist,  and  a  dealer  in  mourning: 
goods. " 

A  new  trial  was  granted. 


60 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


Reggy's  Precaution. 


m 


ALGY— "Why,  Reggy,  deah  boy,  what  are  you 
doing;?  " 

EEGGY— "Well,  we  sail  next  week,  you  know,  and 
weally  1  must  pwactice  some  against  sea-sickness." 


Another  from  Chauncey. 

' '  I  had  spoken  the  night  before  in  the  opera 
at  a  little  New  York  State  town,"  said  Mr.  De- 
pew,  in  relating  another  story  of  a  man  he  met 
while  speaking  in  the  last  campaign,  "and 
was  standing  on  the  station  platform  the  next 
morning  with  the  local  committee,  waiting 
for  the  train,  when  a  lean  backwoodsman, 
with  the  lower  portion  of  his  trousers  lost  in 
the  depth  of  his  boot-legs,  came  up  to  me  and 
said  : 

"  '  I  liked  that  air  speech  o'  your'n  last 
night.' 

' '  I'm  glad  you  did,'  I  replied. 

"'That  was  straight  talk,'  he  went  on, 
'  and  it  takes  an  all-fired  smart  man  to  roll  it 
out  that  way. ' 

"I  blushed  becomingly,  of  course,  at  this, 
and  thanked  him. ' 

'"I  wished  that  I  could  talk  like  that,' 
continued  the  man,'  'I'd  give  my  back 
twenty  to  be  able  to  make  such  a  speech  as 
that.' 

'  'You  never  did  anything  at  public  speak- 
ing, then  !"  I  said. 

"  'Me  ?  Not  a  thing— couldn't  say  'boo  ' 
in  public,  I  don't  s'pose.  There  are  things  I 
can  do,  though.  Give  me  an  ax,  a  draw- 
shave  and  a  log  o'  wood  and  I  can  make  as 
pretty  an  ox-yoke  as  there  is  in  four  coun- 
ties 1  Yes,  sir,  that's  all  I  want — ax,  draw- 
shave  and  log  an'  'bout  two  days'  time  and 
there's  your  ox-yoke.  That's  what  I  can  do. 
Now  I  s'pose,  give  you  them  things  and  you 
couldn't  do  nothing  with  'em,  less  mebby  it 
was  to  hop  up  on  the  log  and  make  a  speech 
to  the  ax  an'  draw-shave  'bout  the  tariff  on 
iron.  I'll  be  snaked  if  I  don't  believe  I'm 
pretty  well  satisfied  with  my  lot  after  all." 


"  Soup." 

HE  was  a  meek-looking  old  gentleman  from 
the  country,  and  as  he  took  his  seat  at  the 
dining-room  table,  the  drummers  looked  at 
him  over  their  soup-spoons.  They  note  d  his 
weather-beaten  face,  nis  wet  hair  carefully 
parted  and  brushed  around  over  his  ears,  and 
his  air  of  diffidence  as  he  nervously  fingered 
his  fork  ;  and  when  the  waiter  girl  stood  de- 
murely at  his  side  and  winked  at  the  boot 
and  shoe  man,  they  were  all  attention. 

"Soup  ?"  she  asked. 

The  old  man  seemed  a  bit  surprised  at  the 
brevity  of  the  bill  of  fare,  and  fidgeted  about 
as  though  waiting  for  her  to  say  something 
more. 

"Would  you  like  some  soup  ?"  said  the 
girl  with  a  side-glance  at  the  coffee-and-spice 
man. 

' '  I  ain't  particular  about  soup  as  I  know 
of,"  answered  the  old  man. 

"Boil'mutt'n  capersauce,  roas'  beef,  r's' 
lamb,  lamb,  r's'  veal,  fricaseee  chicken,  cole 
ham-tongue,  chick'n-salad,  fritters,  boil'n  'n' 
baked  p'tatus,  said  the  girl  with  lightning- 
like  rapidity, 

The  old  man  looked  kind  of  helpless,  and 
the  boys  felt  a  little  sorry  for  him  as  he  kept 
his  eyes  fastened  on  the  fork,  which  he  shov- 
ed from  side  to  side  with  his  fingers. 

' '  I  guess  I'll  take— I  guess  you'll  have  to 
say  that  again,"  he  said,  looking  up,  and  tLe 
girl  rattled  the  whole  thing  off  in  exactly  the 
time  as  before. 

The  old  man  looked  around  the  table,  and 
caught  sight  of  a  drummer  winking  at  the 
girl  ;  then  he  jerked  his  head  around,  and 
then  looking  her  straight  in  the  face,  he  said : 

"  You  may  gimme  s'm  bile  cornbeef  'n'  cab- 
bage roas'  beef,  veal  'n'  mutt'n,  cole  chick'n, 
'n'  turkey  an'  tongue,  'n'  s'm  ham  an'  eggs  'n' 
codfish-cakes  'n'  sassage  'n'  beefsteak,  'n'  a 
piece  o'  punkin  pie  'n'  cup  o'  coffee,  sis  ;  'n' 
now  see  ef  yer  kin  make  yer  little  legs  fly's 
as  fast  as  ye  kin  yer  tongue,  for  I  wanter  git 
home  ;  there's  a  shower  comin'  up. " 

The  girl  hesitated,  turned  red,  and  then 
made  a  Drake  for  the  kitchen,  while  the  drum- 
mers laughed  and  the  old  man  gazed  out  of 
the  window  at  the  gathering  clouds. — Puck. 


A  Correct  Diagnosis. 

GEORGE.— "Eh!  You  got  engaged  last 
night?  Gus,  my  old,  my  dear  friend,  tell  me 
how  you  did  it." 

Gus. — "Really,  I  hardly  know  myself. 
Couldn't  help  it.  Just  like  falling  down 
stairs.  I  was  on  the  edge  of  a  proposal,  she 
gave  me  a  push,  and  there  I  was — engaged." 

"  Well,  I  have'nt  had  any  such  experience. 
Every  time  I  try  to  start,  my  knees  knock 
together,  and  my  teeth  chatter,  and  my 
tongue  cleaves  to  the  roof  of  my  mouth.  I've 
tried  a  dozen  times  to  pop  the  question  to 
Miss  De  Pink,  and  slumped  every  time." 

"  And  did  she  let  you  slump  ?" 

"Yes." 

"You  are  courting  the  wrong  girl." 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


61 


The  Hornet's  Nest.    A  Serio-Comic  Tragedy. 


Very  Seasonable. 

M  What  do  you  call  that  act? '  said  the  bass 
singer  to  the  acrobat. 

"Oh,  that's  merely  a  backward  spring," 
answered  the  acrobat. 

"Ah?"  said  the  bass  singer,  "if  I  should 
try  it  there'd  be  an  early  fall,  en !  Let's  go 
and  have  a  summer !  " 

"A  what?" 

' '  A  summer ;  more  than  one  swallow,  you 
know." 

And  then  as  the  Irishman  said,  they  winter 
way  together. 


The  Humorous  Job  Printer's  Practical 
Joke  Didn't  "Work. 

A  QuiET-looking  man  entered  the  printing 
office  and  approaching  the  job  printer  engag- 
ed him  in  low  conversation  for  a  few  mom- 
ents. Seven  or  eight  other  printers  were 
working  in  the  immediate  vicinity.  Sudden- 
ly the  humorous  job  printer  ostentatiously 
broke  out  in  a  loud  voice  : 

"  No,  sir  ;  not  a  cent." 

"  I  have  not  asked  to  borrow  any  money," 
continued  the  quiet-looking  man.  ' '  You 
make  me  ridiculous  by  such  language  ;  all 
the  men  are  watching  me." 


ACT  IV. 


"Can't  help  it,"  continued  the  humorous 
job  printer,  I've  no  money  to  loan  to-day." 

The  other  printers  tittered  and  the  quiet 
man's  face  grew  scarlet.  Seeing  this,  they  at- 
tributed his  expression  to  embarassment  over 
the  refusal  of  his  request  for  money  and  they 
began  to  make  side  remarks  of  an  uncompli- 
mentary character. 

"It's  no  use, "  said  the  humorous  job  print- 
er, shaking  his  head  solemnly. 

"  It  isn't,  eh  ?"  said  the  quiet  man,  suddenly 
hauling  off  and  landing  a  left-hander  square- 
ly on  the  humorous  printer's  nose.  He  went 
down  under  his  case  like  a  brick  blown  from 
a  chimney.  The  quiet  man  commenced  to 
dance  around  the  prostrate  joker. 

"Come  and  see  me!"  he  cried,  excitedly  : 
"I'll  learn  you  to  play  your  scurvy  tricks  on 
an  old  friend  who  dropped  in  to  invite  you  to 
meet  better  company  than  you  deserve  to 
mingle  with.  Want  to  make  the  boys  think 
I  came  to  borrow  money,  eh  ?  That's  a  gag 
that's  too  old  to  play  on  me.  Come  and  see 
me  and  I'll  feed  your  flesh  to  the  fowls  of  the 
air,  paint  an  Italian  sunset  on  one  cheek  and 
the  battle  of  Solferino  on  the  other." 

No,  the  humorous  job  printer  did  not  stand 
any  more  display  types'on  end  during  the 
balance  of  that  day. 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


The  Ups  and  Downs  of  Poker. 


Brown,  Jones  and  Robinson  sat  down  to  a  little  game  of  "draw,"  they 
take  a  careful  look  at  their  hands,  Brown  and  Jones  p«em  pleased. 


The  cause  of  Brown  and  Jones  pleasure  Is  evident, 
somewhat  disturbed. 


Eobinson  seems 


McKinley's  Retort. 

The  following  conver- 
sation is  said  to  have  oc- 
curred on  the  floor  of 
Congress  the  other  day, 
and  is  given  on  the  res- 
ponsibility of  the  Hon. 
Isaac  R.  Hill.  The  talk 
took  place  between 
Major  McKinley  (Ohio) 
and  Major  Martin  (Tex- 
as): 

' '  Major  McKinley  you 
ought  not  smoke  those 
interstate  cigars." 

"What  do  you  meat, 
by  interstate  cigars?" 

' '  Why,  I  mean  cigars 
that  when  smoked  in  one 
State  can  be  smelled  in 
all  the  other  States." 

"And  you,  Major  Mar- 
tin, should  not  smoke 
those  Robinson  Crusoe 
cigars  of  yours." 

' '  What  do  you  mean 
by  Robinson  Crusoe  ci- 
gars?" 

"Why,  castaways,  of 
course." 

Consolotary. 

Wife  (tenderly)—"  Do 
you  love  me  as  much  as 
ever,  John?" 

Husband  (affectionate- 
ly)— "Of  course  I-do. 
More  than  ever.  I  should 
say." 

Wife  (carelessly) — "  If 
I  were  to  die  would  you 
marry  again,  darling?" 

Husband  (impatient- 
ly—"  Oh,  what's  the  use 
of  asking  such  foolish 
questions?  Wait  till 
you're  dead  first." 


One    thing  Needful. 

' '  These  are  my  house- 
hold gods,"  he  said  to 
her  as  he  entered  his 
bachelor  apartment. 

"  But  you  lack  some- 
thing," she  remarked. 

"  What?" 

' '  A  household  god- 
dess." 

Destructive  to  Busi- 
ness. 

"  Oh,  live  and  let  live, 
mv  man. 


,IIIv  "Yes,  I'd    look  well, 

Brown  and  Jones  see  2  everything  and  go  better  "very  freely.  Robinson's    wouldn't      I?        I'm    a 
melancholy  increases.  butcher." 


NEW  YAHNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


63 


The  Age  of  Rea- 
son. 

Mr.  Chevy  Chase 
~"  I  thmk  I'll 
take  that  copy  of 
the  Society  Scor- 
pion home  with 
me.  I  want  to 
square  myself 
with  My  wife.7' 

Harry  Hounds 
• — "But  why  will 
that  square  you, 
AS  you  put  it.  with 
Mrs.  Chase?'' 

' '  Because  there's 
an  article  in  it 
pitching  into  Mrs. 
Busby." 

' '  But  is  she  down 
on  Mrs.  Busby?" 

' '  Certainly  she 
is.  It  was  at  Mrs. 
Busby's  house  that 
I  met  Mrs.  Crash- 
er." 

"And  what's 
the  matter  with 
Mrs.  Crasher?" 

"Why,  it  was 
Mrs.  Crasher  who 
committed  the 
unpardonable  sin. 
She  told  some- 
body, who  told 
my  wife,  that  it 
was  a  wonder  to 
her  that  such  a 
fascinating,  agree- 
able man  as  Mr. 
Chase,  meaning 
your  humble  ser- 
vant, had  re- 
mained single. 
Somehow,  I  never 
told  her  I  was 
married.  That's 
the  reason  Mrs. 
Chase  will  be  glad 
to  see  Mrs.  Busby 
roasted.  If  you 
were  married,  my 
boy,  you'd  know 
something  about 
the  subtleties  of  a 
woman's  logic." — 
Puck. 


' '  THIS  is  rail 
hard  work,"  said 
the  car-horse. 
"  Woe  to  you  if 
you  stop, "said the 
driver.  "Brake 
away,"  cried  the 
conductor,  and 
the  driver  did  it 
wheelingly. 


Everything  is  up— Robinson  down  in  the  depths— but  he  "calls." 


Brown  and  Jones  seem  sure  they  have  a  cinch  on  the  pile.    Eobinson  seems  to 
have  recovered  his  spirits  somewhat. 


The  show  up.    Robinson's  straight  flush  has_done  its  fatal  work  on.Brown's  four 
kings  and  Jones  four  aces.    —Life.. 


64 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


That  Bloomin'  Young  O-al. 

A  YOUNG  man  in 
corduroy  pant- 
aloons, and  with 
the  bloom  of  a  for- 
eign country  still 
lingering  on  his 
cheek,  told  the  fol- 
lowing story  at  po- 
lice lieadquarters 
yesterday  : 

"You  see,  I  was 
waitin'  in  a  daypot, 
as  you  folks  call  it, 
down  'ere  in  a  town 
called  Toledo,  when 
a  bloomin'  young 
gal  comes  hup  to 
me  hand  says  : 

"  'Could  I  hax  a 
great  favor  of  you, 
young  man  ?" 

"  'You  could,'  says  I. 

"  'Hare  you  a  fighter  ?'  says  she. 

'"Sunthin  of  one,'"  says  I,  "aving  taken 
twenty -four  lesson  in  boxin'  of  the  Liverpool 
Kid,  hand  'aving  put  hup  me  dukes  along 
with  several  good-uns. ' 

' ' '  Then  sit  beside  me,  young  man,  hand 
protect  me  from  a- duffer  who  is  takin'  had- 
vantage  of  the  i'act  that  I  ham  hall  alone  'ere 
in  this  daypot. ' 

"  '  I'll  do  it,"  says  I,  'hand  hif  he  dares  to 
wink  at  you  hagain  I'll  bust  the  bloomin' 
'head  of  himself  wide  hopen.' 

' '  Hand  I  sat.  Hand  she  sat.  Hand  haf  an 
'our,  without  no  bloomin'  duffer  showin'hup. 
I  took  the  train  for  this  town,  hand  arrived 
'ere  to  find  that  I  'ad  neither  watch  nor  wal- 
let. That  bloomin'  young  gal  'ad  despoiled 
me." 

"Well  ?" 

"Well,  that's  hall,  hexcept  that  I  should 
like  to  strike  a  job,  hand  that  'ereafter  the 
bloomin'  young  women  hof  America  will  not 
pull  wool  no ver  the  heyes  hof  yours  truly." 


One  of  Chauncey's  Latest. 

CHAUNCEY  M.  DEPEW  tells  the  following 
story  of  another  of  the  many  interesting 
characters  he  encountered  last  fall  while  ad- 
dressing his  fellow  citizens  on  the  vital  issues 
of  the  campaign.  It  doesn't  sound  so  much 
like  a  true  story  as  some  that  are  extant,  but 
it  is  getting  pretty  late  in  the  day  to  doubt 
his  word. 

One  night  after  the  meeting  was  over  and 
while  the  hall  was  clearing  a  weather-beaten 
man  button-holed  me,  and  took  me  to  one 
side  and  said  : 

"  I'm  postmaster  out  here  on  Shingle  Corn- 
ers. Blaze  away  and  elect  your  man  if  you 
want  to." 

'  'You  don't  care  for  the  office,  then  ?"  I 
said, 

"No,  that  ain't  it,"  he  replied    "It  don't 


pay  but  $14  a  year,  or  mebby  good  years, 
when  I  boom  'er  a  little,  $15,  but  it's  power- 
ful handy  to  have  in  the  house.  No,  my  idee 
is  that  we  can  keep  it  in  the  fam'ly  anyhow. " 

"How's  that?" 

"The  old  woman,  you  see,  she's  a  rip- 
snortin'  Republican,  powerful  so,  regler  un- 
compromism'.  If  Cleveland  gets  it  I  stay  ; 
if  Harrison  slides  in  the  old  woman  comes  to 
the  front  for  her  reward.  Nobody  else  wants 
it,  so  there  we  be." 

"Well,  you're  all  right  then." 

"You  bet  we  are.  If  we  git  tired  of  it  or 
too  old  for  it,  or  anything  ever  happens, 
there's  my  boy,  a  red-hot  Republican,  and 
my  oldest  gal,  Democrat  from  'way  back. 
Oh,  we're  hustlers  in  our  family  when  it 
comes  to  politics." 

"But  suppose  the  Mugwumps  should  de- 
velope  power  some  day  and  carry  things  ?"  I 
asked. 

"  Well,"  he  replied,  "  we  will  soon  be  fixed 
for  that  too.  Tho  baby  is  a  Mugwump— I 
know  it  'cause  he  howls  all  the  time.  If  you 
see  anybody  lookin'  for  p'ints  on  keepin'  a 
good  thing  in  the  fam'ly  jess  send  him  out  to 
Shingle  Corners." 


A  Row  to  see  who'll  be  Boss. 

A  young  fellow  was  inquiring  of  Officer 
Button  at  the  Third  street  depot  about  the 
train  for  the  north,  when  the  officer  queried 
in  return : 

"Didn't  you  come  in  this  morning? 

"Yes." 

"With  a  young  woman?" 

"Yes." 

"I  thought  so.  I  took  you  for  a  bridal 
couple." 

"  Yes,  so  we  were." 

"  And  you  are  going  back  alone !" 

"  That's  what's  the  matter.  We  were  mar- 
ried day  before  yesterday  and  came  here  on 
a  tour.  She  was  all  right  when  we  got  here, 
but  in  about  an  hour  we  had  a  fuss.  She 
wanted  a  diamond  ring  and  I  couldn't  buy  it. 
Diamonds!  Just  think  of  it!  I've  got  $25  m 
cash  and  twenty  acres  of  land  and  expect  to 
have  to  live  on  beans  for  the  next  six  months 
to  pull  through."  . 

"  And  where  is  she  now?" 

"Over  at  the  hotel.  I  left  her  money  to 
pay  her  bill  and  get  home  and  she  can  stay 
i  or  come.  Better  have  this  thing  decided  at 
the  start,  you  know.  Some  folks  are  built  to 
wear  diamonds  and  some  to  eat  johnny 
cake.  I'm  a  johnny  cakist.  There's  my 
train.  If  she  comes  in  to  take  the  next  just 
see  her  aboard,  but  don't  encourage  her  any. 
It's  a  row  to  see  who  shall  be  boss  and  the 
best  man  is  going  to  win."— Detroit  Free 
Press. 


PEARS  SOAP  and  Raspberry  jam.  Are  they 
like  one  another.  Yes,  One  washes  the  dirty 
and  the  other  dirties  the  wash. 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


65 


Professor  M'C.  Horcules  and  His  Pet, 

OR  HOW  A  FRAUD  WAS  GIVEN  AWAY. 


l._ Professor  M'O.  Hercules  bows  fo  the  audience 
before  performing  his  celebrated  f^ai  of  lifting  a 
1,000  pound  ba]l. 


2. — His  first  attempt  to  seize  the  ponderous  ball. 


Essay  on  Woman. 

AFTER  man  came  woman. 

And  she  has  been  after  him  ever  since. 

She  is  a  person  of  free  extraction,  being 
made  of  man's  ribs. 

I  don't  know  why  Adam  wanted  to  fool 
away  his  ribs  in  that  way,  but  I  suppose  he 
was  not  accountable  for  all  he  did. 

It  costs  more  to  keep  a  woman  than  three 
dogs  and  a  shotgun. 

But  she  pays  you  back  with  interest— by 
giving  you  a  house  full  of  children  to  keep 
you  awake  all  night  and  smear  molasses 
candy  over  your  Sunday  coat.  Besides  a 
wife  is  a  very  convenient  article  to  have 
around  the  house. 

She  is  handy  to  swear  at  whenever  you  cut 
yourself  with  a  razor,  and  don't  feel  like 
blaming  yourself. 


Woman  is  not  created  perfect. 

She  has  her  faults — such  as  false  hair,  false 
complexion  and  so  on. 

But  she  is  a  great  deal  better  than  her 
neighbor,  and  she  knows  it. 

Eve  was  a  woman. 

She  must  have  been  a  model  wife,  too,  for 
it  cost  Adam  nothing  to  keep  her  in  clothes, 

Still,  I  don't  think  she  was  happy. 

She  couldn't  go  to  the  sewing  circles  and  air 
her  information  about  everybody  she  knew, 
nor  excite  the  envy  of  other  ladies  hy  wear- 
ing her  new  Winter  bonnet  to  church. 

Neither  could  she  hang  over  the  back  fence 
and  talk  with  her  near  neighbor. 

All  these  blessed  privileges  were  denied 
her. 


JUVENAL — He  was  a  rising  young  man. 

Ovid — Who  was  ? 

Juvenal — He  who  sat  down  on  the  stove. 


4. — The  professor  walks  proudly  away  amid  the 
plaudits  of  the  audience,  so  does  the  playful  and 
affectionate  Fido,  who  walks  off  with  the  ball  Ju(fyta 


66 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


Bath. 


1.— MB.  SHELLEY— "  Here  there ! 


2. — 


-"I  do  hope  those  ladies  won't  turn  around  til  I  get  by ! 


Playing  the  "  Uinpah." 
A  SMALL  boy  leaned  out  ot  the  rear  third 
story  window  of  his  father's  house  in  Brook- 
lyn, yesterday  afternoon,  looking  at  the 
sky,  and  at  times  breaking  out  with  the 
tune,  "In  the  North  Sea  Lived  a  whale." 
His  noise  attracted  his  newspaper  neighbor 
who  also  leaned  out  and  said,  "Well,  Georgie. 
how  are  you  ?'' 


' '  I'se  a  prisoner  locked  up  on 
bread  an"  water,"  Georgie  re- 
plied, just  'cause  I  didn't  know 
it  was  loaded.  You  see,  father 
was  in  the  army,  and  last  week 
when  you  heard  him  firm'  off 
his  pistols  he  was  shootin'  at  a 
cat.  He  shot  five  times,  and 
the  cat  looked  up  and  smiled 
when  he  got  frou'.  Says  I, 
'Father,  did  you  ever  kill  a 
man  when  you  was  a  soldier  ? 
thinking  you  know,  that  he 
couldn't  shoot  fur  a  cent.  He 
says,  'I  s'pose  so.'  'Well,  I 
says,  'you  muster  bin  close 
enough  to  hit  him  with  an  ax,' 
and  he  sent  me  into  the  house. 
Well,  I  seed  where  he  hid  his 
pistol  in  his  overcoat,  and  yes- 
terday I  got  it  out,  an'  there 
was  an  accident.  I  felt  sure  it 
wasn't  loaded,  for  didn't  I  hear 
father  fire  it  off  ?  I  put  it  un- 
der my  piller,  'n'  I  waited  for 
supper  to  be  over,  'cause  I 
wanted  to  scare  the  girls. 
Girls  always  holler  when  they 
see  a  pistol.  Well,  our  minister 
come  to  tea.  Ministers  are 
the  greatest  hands  to  come 
to  tea  ;  it's  half  their  work 
to  go  'round  an'  eat  suppers 
with  the  ladies.  Father 
went  down  to  the  Conven- 
tion, and  Bess  and  Lilly, 
them's  the  girls,  went  into 
the  parlor  to  see  the  minis- 
ter didn't  get  sleepy.  'Bess, ' 
says  I,  'lend  me  your 
blanket  shawl  fer  a  few 
minutes,  I  want  to  be  a 
Indian  brave,'  I  wrapped 
the  shawl  'round  me,  put 
father's  cane  over  my 
shoulder  for  a  gun,  'n'  then 
1  got  the  pistol,  'n'  crept 
softly  down  to  the  parlor 
so  they  wouldn't  know  In- 
dians was  skirmishin'  'roun' 
their  camp.  I  pushed  open 
the  door,  an'  there  was  the 
minister  and  Bessie  sittin' 
at  opposite  ends  of  the  sof  y, 
an'  Lil  was  crocheting  an 
lamp  mat.  All  was  still, 
'n'  I  says,  '  the  hour  has 
come.'  Then  I  gave  three 
war  whoops,  'n'  rushed  in 
and  said,  '  surrender,  or  I  shoot !'  There  was 
a  panic.  The  girls  went  into  hysterics,  an' 
the  preacher  said,  'My  son,  mebbe  that 
pistol's  loaded. ' 

' '  Says  I,  '  s'render,  pale  chief,  or  I'll  shoot 
yer  dead  in  yer  tracks. '  They  all  made  a  rush 
at  me  to  take  the  pistol  away,  'n'  I  fired. 
Lordy,  what  a  noise.  I  was  skeered  most  to 
death.  The  bullet  went  into  a  picture  of  tlv 
signers  of  the  Declamation  of  Independence, 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


67 


and  took  off  the  IK  ad  of  one 
of  the  signers.  The  preacher 
turned  pale  'n'  said  I  was 
a  wicked  boy.  I  knowd  it, 
7n'  I  knowd  what  I  was  go- 
ing to  ketch.  The  girls  cried 
like  as  though  there  was  a 
funeral,  'n'  I  was  whipped. 
1  dreamed  all  night  I  was 
nghtin'  the  Indians,  an' 
when  I  woke  up  this  morn- 
in'  I  felt  sure  my  name 
-would  be  in  the  papers. 
They  gave  me  bread  an' 
water  for  breakfast,  an' 
wouldn't  let  me  see  a  new's 
paper.  So  I'd  thought  I'd 
•escape.  I  tore  up  the  two 
sheets,  tied  one  end  to  the 
bureau  drawer,  and  was 
climbin'  down  like  folks  do 
at  a  fire,  when  somethin- 
give  way.  I  fell  about  a 
thousand  feet,  I  thought,  I 
come  down  so  hard.  I  hit 
the  stone  area,  'n 't  seemed  to 
me  as  if  it  was  night  and 
I  was  lookin'  at  about 
a  million  stars.  I  did- 
n't know  nothin'  for  a 
minute.  Then  I  come 
to." 

"What  broke?" 

"  Nothin'  broke ;  the 
bureau  drawer  come 
out.  I  oughter  tied  on 
to  the  gas  fixture. 
Father  wouldn't  give 
me  a  newspaper,  but 
he  gave  me  another 
lickin'  and  some  more 
bread  an'  water.  I 
s'pose  now  I'll  be  a 
month  on  bread  'n' 
water. " 

"  But  you  musn't 
make  so  much  noise." 

' '  That  was  op'ra  I 
was  singin'.  Don't  you 
like  op'ra  ?  Well,  you 
don't  care  if  I  play  the 
umpah  ?" 
"What  is  the  umpah?' 


3 — CHORUS—"  Why,  where  can  that  have  come  from 


MK.  SHELLEY  (in  a  very  much  muffled  tone) — Poor  doggy — good  doggy." 


Why,  didn't  you  never  hear  a  brass  band 
going  down  the  street  ?  One  man  with  a  lit- 
ile  horn  goes  '  Ta-te-rent  ta-ta-ta-ta, '  and  a 


unexpectedly  on  a  widow  who  lives  in  a  cot- 
tage on  the  outskirts  of  the  village,  he  sur- 

—    .„      prised  her  in  the  midst   of  washing  a  lot  of 

man  with  a  big  horn  goes    urn-pah,  um-pah,      clothes.     She  hurriedly  hid  behind  a  clothes- 
um-pah.     That  s  the  umpah  I  play."  horse,  and  told  her  little  boy  to  say  that  she 

As  the  neighbor  drew  in  his  head  the  small 
boy  began  on  the  "umpah,"  and  he  was  play- 
Ing  it  when  the  reporter  went  away. 

Left  her  Feet   Behind. 

A  good  old  minister  in  Scotland  is  no  stick- 
ler for  etiquette,  and  likes  his  visits  to  his 
flock  to  be  as  informal  and  as  homely  as  pos- 
sible ;  but  he  has  a  great  regard  for  truth,  and 
is  invariably  down  on  those  whom  he  detects 
in  any  deviation  therefrom.  Recently  calling 


was  out.     The  visitor  knocked  at  the  door. 

"Well,  Jamie,"  he  said  "  and  where's  your 
mother?" 

"  My  mother's  no' in;  she's  doon  the  street 
on  a  message, "  replied  the  lad  with  prompt- 
ness. 

"Indeed!"  replied  the  minister,  with  a 
glance  at  the  bottom  of  the  screen,.  "Well, 
tell  her  I  called,  and  say  that  the  next  time 
she  goes  down  to  the  village  she  might  take 
her  feet  with  her !" 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


The  Fountain  of  Youth. 


"Fine  country,  this,"  squeaked  a  little, 
clried-up  speciman  of  humanity  to  his  fellow 

Sassenger,  on  a  Florida  railroad,  the  other 
ay. 

Fellow  passenger  nodded  assent. 

"  'Quainted  'round  here?" 

"A  little." 

"  Are  we  very  far  from  the  spring?" 

' '  What  spring  do  you  mean,  this  spring  or 
last  spring?" 

"On,  come  now,  don't  spring  that  old 
chestnut  on  me.  You  know  what  spring  I 
mean  well  enough. 

"  Well  enough  I  don't,  thought." 

"  Why,  the  spring  that  Mr.  Pounce  D.  Lion 
discovered  in  Florida.  A  man  bathes  in  it 
and  he  comes  out  just  as  young  and  frisky  as 
he  ever  was." 

"You  mean  the  Fountain  of  Eternal 
Youth?" 

"  That's  it;  but  I'll  be  etarnally  durned  if  I 
could  remember  the  name." 

"  Oh,  that's  right  on  this  line ;  we'll  come  to 
it  by  and  by.  The  railroad  company  uses  it 
to  supply  a  water-tank. " 

"  You  don't  tell  me !  Must  make  a  locomo- 
tive pretty  friskly  to  draw  water  from  that 
spring." 

' '  It  does.  It  fairly  jumps  the  track  once 
in  a  while." 

"  Well,  I  should  think  it  would.  I  believe 
I  would  jump  the  track  myself  if  I  could  get 
a  sight  of  it.  Let  a  feller  bathe  in  it?" 

"In  the  locomotive?" 

"No;  in  the  spring." 

' '  Yes,  and  fall  too.  Say,  where  are  you 
from?" 

"I'm  from  Connecticut." 

"Looking  up  an  orange  grove?" 

"Well,  p'r'aps.  Did  you  ever  see  this 
Pounce  D.  Lion?" 

"Oh,  yes;  I  know  him  well.  He's  a  neigh- 
bor of  mine." 

"  You  don't  say!  Did  he  really  get  young 
again  after  taking  a  plunge  into  that  spring 
ofhis'n?" 

' '  Young !  Why,  he  was  so  young  a  guard- 
ian had  to  be  appointed  over  him  right  away, 
he  was  put  in  tne  infant  class  at  school,  and 
it  was  years  before  they  would  accept  his 
vote  at  the  polls." 

"Say,  stranger,"  cried  the  little  old  man, 
springing  up  and  looking  out  of  the  window, 
are  we  anywhere  near  that  tank  now?" 

"You  want  to  find  it,  do  you?" 

"  Well,  I  kinder  promised  my  wife  when  I 
left  home  that  I  would  sort  er  look  it  up. 
Any  land  around  there  for  sale?  I  jes'  want 
a  little  building  lot,  you  understand.  I  can 
put  up  with  anything  till  I  can  move  the  old 
woman  down  here.  She'll  be  dissappointed, 
I  know,  if  I  don't  locate  near  that  spring,  for 
she's  no  spring  chicken  herself." 

"  Now.  own  up;  you've  come  down  to  Flor- 
ida just  to  find  that  spring?" 

' '  Could  you  pint  out  a  man  who  has  tried 
it?"  said  the  little  old  man,  evasively. 


"  See  that  young  fellow  sitting  on  the  wood 
box?" 

"Yes." 

"Well,  he  was  near  a  hundred  when  ht 
came  down  here.    But  he  fell  into  the  foun 
tain  one  day " 

"  You  mean  he  stumbled  in?" 

' '  Yes,  he  just  stumbled  right  in  by  acci- 
dent, because  he  wasn't  looking  for  it  as  you 
are.  and  he  was  changed  so  quick  that  a 
policeman  standing  by  arrested  him." 

"Under  what  ordinance?" 

"Under  the  ordinance  forbidding  boys 
bathing  in  public  in  the  daytime." 

"Junction  City !  Change  cars  for  Orange- 
ville !"  cried  the  brakeman,  and  as  I  was  going 
to  Orangeville  I  wasn't  able  to  hear  any  more 
of  this  interesting  conversation. — Texas  Sift- 
inqs. 


Mixed  Pickles. 

"There  was  some  skylarking  at  the  club 
the  other  night,  and  Jack  broke  two  of  Tom's 
ribs." 

"What  of  it?" 

' '  Jack  thought  it  a  side-spliting  joke,  that's 
all." 

"  DID  you  ever  notice  the  resemblance  be- 
tween a  billiard  ball  and  a  passionate  young 
lady?" 

"In  what  way?" 

"Why  they  both  delight  in  kissing." 

' '  I  HEAR  that  Chumlev  lives  on  his  inter- 
est?" 

"Yes  he's  the  '  interest  clerk' in  the  Rich- 
ville  Bank." 

"ANY  curtain  lectures  since  you've  wed?" 

' '  I  should  say  so.    Wife  lectured  me  two 

hours  because  I  said  a  hundred  dollars  was 

too  much  to  pay  for  a  pair  of  lace  things  to 

hang  before  a  window." 

' '  CHAPPY  ought  to  be  arrested  for  assault. 
He  did  a  rather  unusual  thing  for  him." 
"What  was  it?" 
"He  struck  an  idea." 

"  I  DON'T  want  any  of  this  theatre  butter," 
said  a  woe -begone  actor  to  the  waiter  in  a 
cheap  restaurant. 

"Theatre  butter?" 

"Yes,  it's  full  of  flies." 

' '  I  MADE  a  regular  '  sour  mash'  this  morn- 
ing." 

"  What,  turned  bartender?" 

' '  No,  flirted  with  a  girl  in  a  vinegar  f ac 
tory." 

IT'S  a  wise  child  that  won't  go  a  stepfather. 

THE  grip  is  bad,  but  it's  sneezy  thing  to 
cure. 

"Do  write,"  said  the  paper  to  the  pen. 
"The  ink  stands  ready  to  help.  You  need  a 
little  sand."  "  Learn  to  rule  yourself  before 
giving  advice,"  replied  the  pen,  with  a  sneer. 
— "  Texas  Sif tings." 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


69 


No  wonder  he  was    not 
Afraid. 

The  grim  little  man  who  at- 
tends the  menagerie  at  Won- 
derland had  just  emerged 
from  the  lion's  cage  one  day 
last  week  when  a  timid  mai 
den  inquired. 

' '  Say,  mister  man,  do  you 
ever  get  frightened  when  you 
are  in  the  cage  with  that 
awful  monster  ? 

"Na  ma'am,"  the  keeper 
boldly  made  reply,  "I  am  not 
afraid  of  anything  that 
walks." 

"Why,"  pursued  the  in- 
quirer, meekly,  ' '  do  you  pos- 
sess  a  natural  charm  over 
wild  animals  ?" 

"I  have  been  married 
twice,"  quoth  he. — Buffalo 
Courier. 


The  Wonders  of  Electricity. 


A.  Friendly  Hint. 

Temperance  Apostle :  Do 
you  know  that  whiskey  will 
eat  a  hole  through  sheet 
iron? 

Inebriate :  Why  don't  you 
try  beer  ? 

His  HONOR— "  What  made 
you  steal  this  gentleman's 
door  mat  ?"  Prisoner — '  'Sure, 
your  Honor,  isn't  'Welcome' 
on  it.  in  letters  as  long  as  yer 
a-r-rm. 


MB.  HAGGENKATH— /'Just  wait  till  I  get  up,  my  dear,  and  I'll  give 
you  some  change  myself." 


The  Force  of  Habit. 

THE  curtain  had  just  risen,  and  the  audi- 
ence was  silently  absorbing  the  heroine's 
pitiful  story.  Shiver  music  with  ice  down  its 
back  was  being  played  by  the  six  thirsty 
German  gentlemen  inside  the  railing,  and  an 
asthmatic  wind  machine  was  giving  a  cheap 
and  inferior  imitation  of  a  March  blizzard. 
The  villian  entered,  and  stealthily  aimed  a 
blow  at  the  defenceless  woman,  which  she 
dodged.  Then  a  voice  in  the  gallery  said : 

"  One  strike  !t" 

There  was  a  faint  stir  in  the  audience,  but 
the  play  went  on.  Soon  the  hero  and  the  vil- 
lian had  a  scene  together.  The  villian  raised 
his  cane,  and  the  hero  hurled  a  paper  weight 
at  him  with  miserable  aim.  Again  the  voice 
was  heard : 

"One  ball!" 

Again  there  was  a  moment's  confusion, 
which  soon  settled  down.  The  seen  went  on, 
and  as  the  hero  turned  to  leave  the  stage,  the 
villian  stabbed  him  in  the  side.  Then  the 
voice  serf  amed: 

Foul!   -Foul!" 

Once  more  there  was  confusion,  and  people 
in  the  orchestra  began  to  look  towards  the 


gallery,  The  play  proceeded.  The  low  com- 
edy man  had  a  scene  with  a  policeman.  As 
the  Comedian  was  preparing  to  make  his  exit, 
the  policeman  made  a  motion  as  if  to  strike 
him  with  his  club,  but  he  did  not  do  it.  In- 
stantly the  voice  in  the  gallery  said : 

' '  Balk !    Take  your  base ! " 

The  thing  was  becoming  monotonous  now, 
and  an  officer  was  sent  to  hunt  out  the  offend- 
er. Before  the  officer  reached  the  gallery, 
however,  the  hero  and  the  villian  had  another 
meeting.  Words  passed  between  them,  and 
the  hero  knocked  the  villian  down.  Again 
that  voice  was  heard : 

' '  O-o-o-o-o !    A  three- bagger ! " 

The  villian  sprang  to  his  feet  and  rushed 
upon  the  hero,  drawing  a  huge  bowie-knife  as 
he  advanced.  Then  the  owner  of  the  voice 
stood  upon  the  seat  and  yelled : 

' '  Slide !    You've  got  to  slide !  " 

A  hand  reached  forward  and  grasped  the  of- 
fender's collar.  The  shouter  turned  and  saw  th< » 
officer.  The  voice  sank  to  a  pleading  whisper. . 

"Say."  it  said,  "don't  put  me  out.  I've1 
been  travelin'  'round  the  world  as  umpire 
with  the  All  Rhode  Island  team,  and  I've 
almost  forgot  how  to  express  my  feelings  at  a 
show  in  any  other  way." — Puck. 


70 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


A  Check  on  Humor. 

— 


1.— VEKT  FUNNY  BKOKEK— "I  haven't  smashed 
Think  I'd  better  take  a  crack  at  that  new  one  ^f 

Coaxing  Sarah. 

Justice  Alley  had  hardly  been  opened  to 
legal  business  yesterday  morning  when  a 
sleigh  containing  seven  or  eight  persons  from 
beyond  the  city  limits  drove  up  to  the  door 
of  a  popular  Justice  and  piled  out  with  an 
air  or  business.  His  Honor  was  poking  up 
the  fire,  when  an  old  man  beckoned  him  into 
a  corner  and  whispered : 

"  Got  a  job  of  splicing  here  for  ye.  My 
darter  Sarah  here  is  going  to  hitch  to  that 
chap  there  with  the  blue  comforter,  and  then 
we're  going  out  to  have  some  oysters." 

"AD.  right — all  right,"  was  the  reply,  and 
in  two  minutes  the  official  was  all  ready. 

The  man  with  the  blue  comforter  peeled 
his  overcoat,  laid  aside  his  hat,  and  extend- 
ed his  hand  to  Sarah. 

"I  won't  do  it — I'll  die  first!"  she  said,  as 
she  shrank  away. 

"She's  a  leetle  timid — a  leetle  timid,"  ex- 
plained the  old  man,  while  the  mother  re- 
bukingly  observed  : 

"  Sarah,  don't  you  make  a  fool  of  yourself 
here.  William  will  make  you  a  good  hus- 
band." 

"And  don't  you  forgit  it !"  added  William. 
Come  Sarah." 

"  I  won't  unless  we  can  go  to  New  York  on 
a  bridle  tower  !"  she  snapped. 


"You'd  look  nice  bridle 
towering  around  New  York 
with  no  better  duds  than 
you've  got!"  said  the 
mother.  "Now,  Sarah,  you 
stand  up  and  git  mariea  !" 

"Be  keerful,  mother — , 
don't  make  'er mad, "warn- 
ed the  old  man.  "Now,. 
Sarah,  if  yer  back  out 
everybody  will  laugh  at 
us." 

"I  don't  keer  !  I  want 
to  travel." 

"You  shall,"    answered 
William. 
"Where?" 

"We'll  all  go  up  to  the 
House  of  Correction." 
"  'Taint  far  'nuff." 
The  old  man    beckoned 
William    and  Sarah  aside 
and  began  : 

"Now,  Sarah,  William 
jist  dotes  on  you.'' 

"But  I  want  a  bridle- 
tower." 

'  'Yes ;  but  you  can't  have 
one.  The  railroads  are  all 
snowed  under,  and  towers 
have  gone  out  of  fashion,, 
anyhow. ' 

'  'Then  I  want  a  diamond 
ring. " 

"Now  don't  say  that, 
Sarah,  fur  I  went  to  every 
store  last  Saturday  and 
they  was  all  out  of  diamond 
rings. " 

"  Then  I  want  a  set  of  mink  furs." 
"Mink  furs  !  William,  I  know  you'd  buy 
'em  for  her  in  a  second,  but  they've  gone  out 
of  style,  and  can't  be  had.     Sarah.  I'm  yer 
father,  ain't  I  ?" 
"Yes,  dad." 

"And  I've  alway  bin  tender  of  ye  ?" 
"Yes." 

"  Then  be  tender  of  me.  I  want  to  see  ye 
married  to  William.  You  can't  have  a  tow- 
er, nor  a  diamond  ring,  nor  a  set  furs,  but 
I'll  buy  ye  a  pair  of  new  gaiters.  William, 
will  pay  for  the  oysters,  and  I'll  see  that 
mother  divides  up  the  dishes  and  bedding 
with  ye.  Sarah,  do  you  want  to  see  my  gray 
hairs  bowed  down  ?" 
"No  o-o." 

"  Then,  don't  flunk  out." 
"Will    they  be  two-dollar  gaiters?"    she 
asked. 
"Yes." 

"  And  all  the  oysters  we  can  eat  5" 
"Yes,  all  you  can  stuff." 
"And  a  tower  next  Fall,   if  wheat  does? 
well  ?', 
"Yes." 

' '  Then  I  guess  I  will.  Come,  Bill,  I  don't 
keer  two  cents  for  you,  but  I  want  to  oblige 
father." 


a  hat  for  a   week. 
McCord's." 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


71 


Leaving  Out  tLe  Joke, 

SOME  people  are  bright  en- 
ough to  enjoy  a  good  joke, 
but  do  not  have  retentive 
memories,  so  as  to  be  able 
to  repeat  it  to  others. 
Failures  of  this  kind  are 
sometimes  very  ludicrous. 
We  give  some  good  speci 
mens. 

The  most  famous  of  this 
class  was  the  college  pro- 
fessor, who,  on  parting  with 
a  student  that  had  called 
on  him,  noticed  that  he  had 
a  new  coat,  and  remarked 
that  it  was  too  short. 

The  student,  with  an  air 
of  resignation,  replied  :  "It 
will  be  long  enough  before 
I  get  another." 

The  professor  enjoyed  the 
joke  heartily,  and  going  to 
a  meeting  of  the  college 
faculty  just  afterwards,  he 
entered  the  room  in  great 
glee  and  said  : 

"Young  Sharp  got  off 
such  a  joke  just  now.  He 
called  on  me  a  little  while 
ago,  and  as  he  was  leaving, 
I  noticed  his  new  coat,  and 
told  him  it  was  too  short, 
and  he  said  :  "It  will  be 
a  long  time  before  I  get  an- 
other." 

No  one  laughed,  and  the 
professor    sobering  down,   remarked:       "It 
doesn't  seem  so  funny  as  when  he  said  it. " 

A  red  haired  lady  who  was  ambitious  of  lit- 
erary distinction  found  but  poor  sale  for  her 
book.  A  gentleman  in  speaking  of  her  disap- 

E ointment  said  :  "Her  hair  is  red  (read)  if 
er  book  is  not."  An  auditor,  in  attempting 
to  relate  the  joke  elsewhere,  said  :  "  She  has 
red  hair  if  her  book  hasn't." 

The  mosi  unfortunate  attempt  at  reproduc- 
ing another's  wit  was  made  by  an  English- 
man who  didn't  understand  the  pun,  but 
judged  from  the  applause  with  which  it  was 
greeted  that  it  must  be  excellent.  During  a 
dinner  at  which  he  was  a  guest  a  waiter  let  a 
boiled  tongue  slip  off  the  plate  on  which  he 
was  bearing  it,  and  it  fell  on  the  table. 

The  host  at  once  apologized  for  the  mishap 
as  a  "lapsus  linguae"  (slip  of  the  tongue). 
The  joke  was  the  best  thing  at  the  dinner, 
and  our  friend  concluded  to  bring  it  up  at  his 
own  table. 

He  accordingly  invited  his  company  and 
instructed  his  servant  to  let  fall  a  roast  of 
beef  as  he  was  bringing  it  to  the  table. 

When  the  "accident"  occurred,  he  ex- 
claimed :  "That's a  'lapsus linguae.' " 

Nobody  laughed,  and  he  said  again,  ' '  I  say 
that's  a  lapsus  linguae,"  and  still  no  one 
laughed. 

A  screw  was  loose  somewhere  :  so  he  told 


2.— McCoED  (after  the  blow  falls)—  'That's  what  I  call  my  fool-killer, 
Tommy." 

about  the  tongue  falling,  and  they  did  laugh. 
"Why  is  this,"  said  the  waiter,  holding  up 
a  common  kitchen  utensil,  "more  remarka- 
ble than  Napoleon  Bonaparte  ?  Because  Na- 
poleon was  a  great  man,  but  this  is  a  grater." 
When  the  funny  man  reproduced  it  in  his 
circle,  he  asked  the  question  right,  but  an- 
swered it,  ' '  Because  Napoleon  was  a  great 
man,  but  this  is  a  nutmeg  grater. " 


A  Kind-Hearted  "Woman. 

Mr.  Fainwed:  Then  you  refuse  to  marry 
me? 

Mrs.  Mainchance :  For  the  present  I  must. 
My  husband  is  in  good  health,  and  we  are  the 
best  of  friends. 

Mr.  Fainwed :  And  you  can  give  me  no  en- 
couragement ? 

Mrs.  Mainchance :  I  will  keep  your  address, 
and  if  a  vacancy  should  occur  I  will  drop  you 
a  line. 


(N.   B.  —  This 
course.) 


happened    in    Chicago,    of 


ATTORNEY  (to  witness)— "  Mr.  Chalkley,  if 
I  mistake  not,  you  said  a  few  moments  ago 
that  you  sold  milk  for  a  living." 

Witness  (guardedly) — "No,  sir;  I  said  I 
was  a  milkman." 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


-A.  Lightly-clad  Somnambulist   Visits 
his  Sweetheart  at  Midnight. 

A  young  man,  whom  we  will  call  Tom  Jef- 
ireys  by  way  of  illustration,  was  very  much 
infatuated  with  a  young  lady  who  lived  on 
v  the  public  road,  three  miles  from  his  home, 
near  Interlachen.  Everybody  who  has  trav- 
eled that  part  of  the  country  knows  that  the 
neighborhood  is  thickly  settled,  and  for  miles 
you  go  without  getting  out  of  sight  of  some 
one's  house. 

One  night  about  eight  o'clock.  Jeffreys  re- 
tired early.  It  was  bright  moonlight.  In  his 
•sleep  he  got  out  of  bed,  and  in  his  night 
clothes  walked  undisturbed  to  the  house  of  his 
lady  love.  As  is  generally  the  case  in  this 
country,  stairways  run  up  to  the  second  floor 
on  the  outside  of  the  buildings,  and  this  one 
in  particular  leads  from  the  ground  to  the 
young  lady's  room  door.  Young  Jeffreys 
walked  up  those  stairs  and  sat  down  uncon- 
ciously  near  the  lady's  door.  How  long  he 
remained  there  he  does  not  know,  but  when 
he  finally  awoke  his  head  was  resting  on  his 
knees,  and  it  was  ten  o'clock. 

Imagine  his  surprise.  There,  at  his 
«ifianced's  home,  in  his  night  clothes,  three 
nules  from  home.  As  easily  as  posisble  he 
crept  down  the  stairway.  He  could  hear  the 
old  man  down  in  the  fields  attending  to  his 
horses  and  cattle.  Everything  was  still. 
The  people  in  the  house  were  quietly  chatting. 
An  open  space  of  about  twenty  feet  separated 
the  kitchen  from  the  main  building.  The 
young  man  went  around  to  the  corner  of  tae 
house  and  saw  the  young  lady  and  her  mother 

going  to  and  fro  in  discharge  of  household 
uties.    He  couldn't  speak  to  them  because 
he  wasn't  dressed  that  way.      His  trouble 
was  to  get  back  home  without  being  discov- 
ered or  noticed. 

When  he  was  quietly  stealing  his  way  out 
•of  the  yard  into  the  road  two  ferocious  dogs 
awoke  from  their  slumbers,  and  with  grin- 
ning teeth  took  after  the  flying  night  shirt 
"^hich  was  making  its  way  to  the  thicket  on 
the  side  of  the  road.  The  animals  overtook 
the  object,  and  what  part  of  the  white  gar- 
ment they  did  not  tear  off,  the  briars  and 
brush  did',  and  that  young  man  found  himself 
in  a  most  unpleasant  fix  with  half  his  skirts 
torn  off.  The  night  was  cold  and  he  felt  it. 
On  getting  into  the  thicket  he  got  out  of  the 
way  of  the  dogs,  but  for  two  hours  he  was 
wending  his  way  home,  dodging  passers-by 
in  the  public  road  and  shivering  like  a  leaf  in 
the  arctic  regions.—  Palatka  (Fla.)  Enter- 
prise. 

Herrmann's  Joke. 

During  his  recent  visit  to  this  city  Herr- 
mann, the  magician,  rJatedan  amusing  in- 
stance which  happened  several  years  ago 
when  he  visited  the  Chinese  theatre.  The 
performance  was  the  adjourned  act  of  a  play 
that  had  been  started  a  month  before.  In 
the  lobby  were  a  lot  of  Chinese  peddlers  sell- 


ing sweetmeats,  oranges  and  other  fruits. 
Herrmann  made  a  dead  set  at  the  orange  man, 
a  thin-faced,  avaricious-looking  fellow,  who 
wore  a  queue  about  five  feet  long.  Herrmann 
bought  an  orange  and  cut  it  open.  With  an 
exclamation  of  delighted  surprise,  his  eyes 
sparkling  and  his  face  lit  up  with  smiles,  he 
drew  a  five-dollar  gold  piece  out  of  the  pulp 
and  held  it  up  so  that  the  Chinaman  could  see 
it.  The  latter's  eyes  bulged  from  their  sockets 
and  a  pained  look  of  disappointment  crossed 
his  expressionless  face.  Herrmann  bought 
three  more  oranges,  and  from  each  he  drew 
a  shining  fiver.  By  this  time  the  perspira- 
tion rolled  in  beads  down  the  Chinaman's 
face,  and  he  looked  so  sick  I  felt  sorry  for 
him.  He  gathered  up  his  stock,  muttering 
to  himself,  and  when  Herrmann  wanted  to 
buy  another  half-dozen  the  Chinaman  refused 
to  sell  them. 

"I'll  give  you  one  dollar  for  them,"  said 
Herrmann. 

The  price  was  only  ten  cents,  but  the  China- 
man was  tired  of  giving  away  gold  pieces. 

' '  Me  no  wantee  sellee, "  he  said  shrilly. 

A  few  minutes  later  he  retired  into  a  cor- 
ner and  with  the  air  of  a  conspirator  he  began 
to  cut  up  the  oranges. 

One  after  another  they  went,  and  his  look 
ef  disappointment  became  darker  and  dark' 
er  as  the  magic  gold  pieces  failed  to  appear. 
It  was  actually  tragic  when  the  last  one  was 
gone,  and  Herrmann  gave  him  one  dollar  to 
prevent  his  committing  suicide. 


"Why  She  didn't  want   an    American 
Husband. 

A  gentleman  from  Indiana-  told  me  th& 
other  day  a  story  about  Bayless  W.  Hanna, 
now  United  States  Minister  to  the  Argentine 
Republics  Some  months  ago  at  Buenos  Ayres, 
a  rich  Spanish  banker  gave  a  dinner  to  some 
friends,  and  Mr.  Hanna  was  seated  on  the 
right  of  the  hostess.  She  inquired  as  to  the 
health  of  Mrs.  Hanna,  who  was  not  present, 
and  asked  how  many  children  they  had. 
Bayless,  -not  understanding  Spanish  very 
well,  thought  she  wanted  to  know  the  age  of 
Mrs.  Hanna  and  said,  "  Forty-eight,  madam." 
To  his  surprise  the  lady  threw  up  her  hands 
and  exclaimed,  "Gracious  a  Dios,  que  no 
tengo  esposo  Americano !'  which  being  trans- 
lated is,  "Thank  God,  I  have  not  an  Ameri- 
can husband."  The  next  day  the  Spanish 
banker  called  on  Mr.  Hanna  and  said :  ' '  You 
astonished  my  wife  yesterdav  when  you  told 
her  you  had  forty-eight  children."  "Why, 
my  dear  sir,"  replied  the  Minister,  "  I  thought 
your  wife  inquired  as  to  the  age  of  Mrs.  Han- 
na and  I  gave  her  the  forty-eight  figure.  I 
have  only  four  children,  and  they  are 
enough."  The  banker  went  home  and  gave 
his  wife  the  benefit  of  Judge  Hanna's  state- 
ment, but  the  story  got  out  and  the  Judge  has 
to  stand  up  and  take  the  jokes  of  his 
friends. 


SSI?  YARNS  AXD  FUNNY  JOKES. 


73 


Job  T-iOts 


Fissr  BALLET  GIRL— 
"You  are  a  hateful, 
spiteful  thing,  and  I 
won't  bandy  words  with 
you  !''  Second  Ballet 
Girl — "Never  mind, 
dear,  you  can  bandy-legs 
with  any  of  us." 


"MAMMA  dear  what  is 
that  funny  locking  ma- 
chine?" "That  my  dear 
is  your  father's  office 
typewriter."  "So!  and 
where  is  the  place  for 
the  Champagne  ?  The 
champagne  my  child, 
what  do  you  mean?  Well 
I  heard  papa  tell  Mr.  Oldhand  the  other  even- 
ing that  it  often  costs  him  ten  dollars  to  fill 
his  typewriter  with  champagne.  Tableau 
-with  blue  fire. 


HE — "Now  that  you  have  made  me  the 
happiest  of  mortals,  can  I  kiss  you  ?"  She — 
41  Never  having  any  personal  experience  of 
your  osculatory  ability,  Mr.  Geyser,  I  don't 
know  if  you  can,  but  if  you  hadn't  eaten 
quite  so  many  onions  to  your  breakfast  you 
might  have  tried  at  once.  S'mother  day. 


SHE  (as  he  steals  a  kiss)—"  Why,  you  rob- 
ber !  I  shall  have  you  arrested  for  larceny 
from  the  person . ' '  He  ( kissing  her  once  more) 
' '  Very  well ;  I  have  given  it  back.  If  you 
make  that  complaint  against  me  I  shall  charge 
you  with  receiving  stolen  property,  knowing 
it  to  be  such. " 


OVERHEARD  IN  THE  KITCHEN — "What  did 
you  wear  last  night  ?"  asked  the  celery.  "A 
lovely  mayonnaise,''  replied  the  lettuce. 
"  And  you  ?"  "Never  was  so  mortified  in  all 
my  life:  I  wasn't  dressed  at  all,"  said  the 
celery;  and  the  beet  blushed. 

"LOOK  here,  those  eggs  you  sold  me  the 
other  day  were  all  bad."  "  Well,  it  ain't  my 
fault. "  ' '  Whose  fault  is  it  ?"  ' '  Blamed  if  I 
know.  How  should  I  know  what's  inside  'em. 
I'm  no  mind  reader." 


YOUNG  M.  D.— That  jig  is  up. 
Old  M.  D. — What  do  you  mean  ? 
Young  M.  D.— That  fellow  with  St.  Vitus's 
•dance  died  this  morning. 

MAMMA — "Well,  did  you  tell  God  how 
naughty  you  have  been  ?" 

Lily — "No,  upon  reflection,  I  thought  it 
had  better  not  get  out  of  the  family." 

DUDELET — Is  this  cigar — aw — offensive  to 
you — aw  ? 

Laborer — No,  I  can  stand  it,  I've  just  been 
cleaning  out  a  sewer! 


On  the  Avenue. 

Frenchman  (to  American) :  ' '  Pardon,  mon- 
sieur, vate  ez  zat  ? — a  man  or  a ?" 

"That?  Oh,  a  dude.  And" — waving  his  hand 
toward  a  block  of  stores — "  here's  where  he's 
made." 

Frenchman  (reading  the  sign) :  ' '  '  Felt  & 
Beever — hattaires' — vat  eez  '  hattaires '  ? " 

"They  supply  the  hats,  you  know." 

"Hats?    Oh,  vraiment;   chapeaux.     "Lisst 
and  Woollie — cloziaires' — zey  ze  cloze  supplai 
— oui  ?" 
"Ye «,    mongseer.  Really,  you  do  very  well." 

"  Ah,  merci !  You  vair  kind.  And  zees — 
'Shears,  tailor' — ah,  je  comprends! — he  sup- 
plai ze  tails — n'est-ce  pas  ?  Mais — but  vat  eez 
'  tails '  ?" 


was 


Thought  he  saw  Double. 

Nickleby:    I  just    met   Bjinks.      He 
drunk. 

Squeers:  Why,  impossible.  He  is  a  very 
temperate  man.  What  made  you  think  he 
was  drunk  ? 

Nickleby:  He  told  me  I  looked  double  the 
man  I  did  a  year  ago. — Lawrence  American. 

Does  not  see  Her  so  much  Now. 

Singleton  (who  has  been  away  for  years)  : 
"  I  haven't  seen  you  with  Miss  Bjinks  since 
my  return.  Do  you  see  much  of  her  now  ?" 

' '  Benedict  (sorrowfully) :  "  No ;  I  don't  see 
her  very  often," 

' '  I  thought  you  and  she  were  engaged.  Did 
she  break  it  off  ?" 

' '  No ;  we  were  married. " 


Methodical  Madness. 

Physician — Your  husband  is  quite  delirious 
and  seems  utterly  out  of  his  mind.  Has  he 
recognized  anyone  to  day  ? 

Wife — Oh,  yes.  He  called  me  a  dragon 
this  morning,  and  he  constantly  speaks  of  the 
governess  as  an  angel. 

Made  Clear. 

Little  Frankie — What  does  bustle  mean  pa  ? 
Pa — Something  noisy. 
Little  Frankie— Oh,  now  I  know. 
Pa — Know  what,  my  child  ? 
Little  Frankie — Why  women  make  so  much 
noise. 


WHAT  is  the  difference  between  a  married 
man  and  a  widower  ?  Get  out  !  The  one 
kisses  his  missus  and  the  other  misses  his 
kisses. 


MINISTER  (to  wicked  man)— Sir,  why  are 
you  so  wicked  ? 

Husband — Well,  yer  see,  the  good  people 
they  die  young — I  want  to  live  to  be  high  old 
'un,  I  do.  See  ? 

DENIS — "  Do  you  drink,  Tooley." 
Tooley— "Faith,  and  I  do," 
Denis — "Well,  Here's  a  clove." 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES 


The  G-allant  Oyster  and   the   Sponge. 

A  gallant  oyster  loved  a  sponge 

In  the  depth  of  the  dark  blue  sea. 
'    And  the  sponge  which  the  erallant  oyster  loved 
Was  as  fair  as  a  sponge  could  be. 

But  the  sponge  the  oyster's  love  disdained, 
With  a  manner  most  cold  and  curt; 

To  feel  that  his  love  by  a  sponge  was  spurned 
Did  the  pride  of  the  oyster  hurt. 

Fate  came  at  last,  the  sponge  caught  cold : 

And  she  died  of  membr'ous  croup, 
While  the  gallant  oyster  who  loved  the  sponge 

Found  he  was  in  the  soup  ! 


The  Dominant  Instinct. 

From  the  Crowd — ' '  Horrors !  Look  there ! 
A  runaway !" 

Crash — bang !  (Horse  thrown  and  carriage 
overturned.) 

Terrified  Voice  from  the  Wreck — "Helb! 
MyGott,  quick!  Dot  horz  will  smash  my 
prains  out  mit  his  hoof.  Hold  his  feet,  some- 
body." (Crowd  rushes  forward.) 

'Lay  still!" 

'  Climb  out  over  the  back !" 

'  Don't  move !" 

'  Crawl  out  for  heaven's  sake !" 

'  Get  under  the  seat !" 

'  Wriggle  around  on  top !" 

'  Wrap  the  cushion  around  your  head,  so 
you  won  t  get  hurt !" 

(A.  brawny  drayman  thrusts  his  arm 
through  the  buggy  top  and  drags  the  man 
from  his  perilous  position.) 

The  Rescued  (casually)— "Many  tanks." 
(Turning  to  the  Crowd.)  "Which  shows, 
gentlemen,  the  necessity  for  accident  insur- 
anz.  I  reprezend  the  Hustlers,  of  Hartford, 
Conn.  Capital,  two  millions,  and  assets,  six. 
We  would  oe  pleased  to  write  you  up  for  any 
amount  you  choose  on  the  most  reasonable 
terms.  First-class  indemnity  for  the  smallest 
money.  Do  I  hear  any  one  speak?" 

(No  one  speaks.  The  horse  faints  from  as- 
tonishment. ) — Life. 

Convival  Pastimes. 

WHAT  is  the  difference  between  the  man- 
ager of  a  theatre  and  a  sailor  ?  A  sailor  likes 
to  see  a  light  house  and  the  manager  don't. 

When  was  the  theatrical  business  first 
spoken  of  in  the  Bible  ?  When  Eve  appeared 
for  Adam's  benefit. 

Why  does  a  dog  turn  around  twice  before 
lying  down  ?  He  wants  to  satisfy  himself  in 
his  own  mind  that  one  good  turn  deserves 
another. 

Why  cannot  a  deaf  man  be  legally  convict- 
ed i  Because  it  is  unlawful  to  convict  any 
man  without  a  hearing. 

Why  is  a  pretty  girl  like  a  locomotive  ? 
She  sends  off  the  sparks,  transports  the  mail 
and  has  a  train  following  her — and  sometimes 
switches  off  on  the  wrong  track  and  bursts 
her  boiler. 

Why  is  a  pig  with  a  curly  continuation 
like  the  ghost  of  Hamlet's  father  ?  Because 
it  could  a  tail  unfold. 


What's  the  difference  between  kissing  a. 
young  lady  and  making  cider  ?  One  you 
have  to  squeeze  before  you  can  get  cider  and 
the  other  you  have  to  get  cider  [side  her]  be- 
fore you  can  squeeze  her. 

Why  is  a  piano  player  like  a  pickpocket  %• 
Because  they  are  always  fingering  notes. 

What  time  of  day  was  Adam  born  ?  A  lit- 
tle before  Eve. 

Why  is  a  dog's  tail  the  biggest  curiosity  in; 
the  world  ?  Because  it  was  never  seen  be- 
fore. 

Why  is  an  old  maid  like  a  bad  lemon  ?  Be- 
cause neither  is  worth  squeezing. 

Why  is  a  chicken  on  a  fence  Eke  a  penny  5' 
It's  head  on  one  side  and  tail  on  the  other. 

When  is  a  candle  like  a  tombstone  ?  When, 
it  sets  up  for  a  late  husband. 

When  is  water  most  liable  to  escape  ?  When 
it's  only  half  tide. 

Why  are  tight  rope  dancers  the  greatest- 
favorites  with  the  public  ?  Their  perform- 
ances are  always  on  cord  [encored.] 

Why  is  a  hill  like  a  pill  ?  One  is  hard  to- 
get  up  and  the  other  is  hard  to  get  down. 

Why  are  musicians  the  laziest  people  in 
world  ?  Because  they  work  when  they  play, 
and  play  when  they  work, 

Why  are  women  like  prize  fighters  ?  Her 
fingers  are  always  ready  to  enter  a  ring,  and: 
she's  always  more  than  a  match  for  any 
man  double  her  size. 

When  does  an  audience  resemble  a  flock  of 

geese  ?    When  they  sit  down,  look  up  and 
iss  at  the  stars. 

Why  is  a  baby  like  a  sheaf  of  wheat  ?  First 
it's  got  to  be  cradled,  then  thrashed  before  it 
becomes  fit  for  family  use,  and  finally  becomes- 
the  flower  of  the  family. 


Uncle  Eph's  Candor. 

A  pretty  good  story  is  told  of  the  late  Con- 
gressman Taulbee,f  rom  Kentucky,  which  isthe^ 
more  humorous  because  told  by  himself.  An. 
old  colored  man  called  Uncle  Eph  had  lived; 
in  the  Taulbee  family  many  years,  and  was- 
considered  an  honest  and  faithful  old  servant. 
After  the  election  for  congressman,  Taulbee 
having  been  a  candidate,  he  was  taunted  by 
some  of  his  opponents  with  the  statement  that 
Uncle  Eph  had  voted  against  him.  Loath  to- 
believe  it,  he  asked  Eph:  "Is  it  true  that 
you  voted  against  me  at  the  election  ?"  "  Yes, 
Massa  William,"  replied  Eph.  "I  voted  the 
'Publican  ticket."  "  Well,"  said  Taulbee,  "  I 
like  your  frankness,  and  here's  a  dollar  for 
your  candor."  The  old  colored  man  stood 
scratching  his  head,  when  Taulbee  asked: 
"Well,  Eph,  what  is  it?"  "Well  Massa 
Taulbee,"  said  Eph,  "  if  you  is  buying  candor 
you  owes  me  fo'  dollars  mo',  kase  I  voted 
agin  ye  five  times." 

IF  a  man's  teeth  were  knocked  out  with  anu 
axe,  would  he  have  an  accidental  resemblance -i 
to  any  other  toothless  man? 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


75 


An  Old  Country  Seat. 


Some  Mistake  There. 

We  were  having  a  good  time  in  a  St.  Louis 
gymnasium  one  night  when  the  question  of 
self-defence  came  up  to  be  argued  by  half  a 
dozen  different  persons.  Among  them  was  a 
man  from  Cincinnati,  who  contended  that  a 
gentleman  ought  always  to  be  able  to  thrash 
a  mudsill,  provided  the  latter  would  make  a 
fair  scrap  of  it.  Two  or  three  opposed  this 
theory,  and  to  test  it  the  Cincinnatian  offered 
to  strip  while  a  committee  went  out  to  pick 
up  a  victim.  It  was  a  commitee  of  one,  and 
I  went  out  upon  the  street  and  picked  my 
man  hap-hazard.  He  was  going  past  with  a 
bundle  under  his  arm,  and  I  said  to  him: 

"  Will  you  come  in  and  box  a  man  five  or 
six  rounds  for  $5?" 

"  Eegular  fighter? "  he  asked. 

"No,  only  an  amateur." 

"I'm  your  huckleberry." 

He  was  a  plasterer,  and  he  had  some  of  his 
tools  in  the  bundle.  He  got  ready  without 
seeming  to  care  who  his  opponent  was  to  be, 
and  as  they  entered  the  ring  it  was  seen  that 
they  were  about  even  in  size  and  weight. 
Time  was  called,  and  the  fun  began.  It 
didn't  last  long,  however.  Inside  of  two 
minutes  the  plasterer  planted  a  straight  right- 
hander at  the  other's  nose,  which  floored  him 
and  kept  him  on  his  back  for  sixty  seconds. 

"  Is  that  all ! "  calmly  inquired  the  plaster- 
er as  he  took  off  the  gloves. 

"Yes.     Here's  your  money." 

"Thanks.    Good  night." 

When  the  Cincinnatian  came  top  and  got 
his  nose  repaired  he  sat  for  a  long  time  won- 
dering how  it  all  came  about, 

"Can't  you  explain  it?"  he  was  finally 
asked. 

"No." 

"Well,  lean." 

"What  is  it?" 

"He  was  a  mudsill  all  right  enough,  but 
you  are  no  gentleman ! " 

Advantages. 

"  That  cigar  you  smoke  has  its  advantages.  * 

"Like  it?" 

"No;  that's  .fast  it.    A  friend  doesn't  feel 

.vou  don't  offer  him  one." 


The  Reason  He  Ban  Away  With 
Three  Sisters. 

A  MAN  in  Texas  was  arrested  for  running 
away  with  three  sisters — triplets — and  was 
placed  on  trial. 

"  You  are  a  nice  fellow,"  said  the  judge,  as 
a  preliminary. 

' '  I  know  it  Jedge ;  leastwhile  that's  what 
the  gals  said.". 

"What  do  you  mean  by  running  away 
with  three  women,  and  ruining  the  peace  of 
a  happy  family? " 

"  I  meant  to  marry  em,  jedge." 

"Insatiate  monster,  would  not  one  suffice.  '* 

"  Put  it  a  leetle  plainer,  jedge." 

"  Wouldn't  one  have  been  enough? " 

' '  It  mought  looked  that  er  way  to 
you,  jedge,  and  did  to  me  at  fust,  but  you 
see  there  was  three  of  'em,  kind  of  one  set 
like." 

"  That  doesn't  count  in  law." 

"  Mebbe  it  don't,  jedge,  but  them  gals  and 
me  talked  it  all  over,  and  they  was  mighty 
attached  to  each  other,  and  said  it  was  a  pity 
for  me  to  take  one  of  them  triplets  and  break 
the  set,  so  we  just  concluded  to  hang  together, 
and  I'll  be  durned  if  we  was'nt  a  nangin* 
right  out  fer  Utah,  and  no  mistake." 

"The  law  does  not  recognize  any  such 
excuses." 

"  All  right,  ole  man ;  go  ahead.  There  was 
three  agin  one,  and  if  I  have  to  suffer,  I  kin 
stand  it ;  but  I  want  to  say  right  here,  jedge, 
if  any  fool  cuss  breaks  that  set  while  I'm  sirf- 
ferin',  I'll  break  his  durned  skull  as  shore  a* 
I'm  a  dyin'  sinner,  and  you  can  bet  a  rawhide 
on  it." 

The  case  was  continued.— The  Drummer. 


Ancient  Prayers- 

WILLIE  (coming  home  from  church) — "Pa- 
pa, they  hadn't  learned  how  to  pray  very 
well  in  Bible  times,  had  they  ?  " 

Papa — "I  suppose,  my  son,  people  could 
pray  then  as  well  as  they  do  now." 

Willie  (positively) — "No,  they  couldn't. 
The  Lord's  prayer  is  only  a  minute  long,  and 
our  minister  can  pray  for  a  quarter  of  an 
hour. — Philadelphia  Times. 


Popular  Polly- 

YOUNG  Lady  (at   bird  store) — "Has  th*. 
parrot  any  accomplishments? " 

Proprietor — "He  can  speak   a   little,  but 
he's  to  old  to  learn  anything  new. " 

(Hesitatingly)— "  Would    he    imitate   any 
sounds  he  might  hear,  such  as  a  sneeze  or  &  [ 
cough,  or  anything  of  that  kind?" 

"No.    The  girls  were  trying  the  other  day 
to  teach  him  to  imitate  the  sound  of  a 
but  he  wouldn't  do  it." 

"I'll  take  him." 


IT  is  supposed  that  a  hen  lays  an  eggs  be- 
cause she  can't  stand  it  on  end. 


76 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


A  Strange  Story. 

A  well  known  American  after-dinner  speak- 
er related  the  following  story  at  a  dinner  in 
Delmonico's  on  the  eve  of  his  departure  for 
Europe.  While  abroad  he  heard  what  was 
supposed  to  be  the  same  story,  told  by  an 
English  Lord  at  a  dinner  in  London:  "A 
prominent  lawyer  named  Jno.  B.  Strange, 
lived  in  Chicago,  111. ;  on  his  death  bed 
called  his  wife  to  his  bedside  and  requested 
her  not  to  go  to  any  expense  to  erecting  a 


monument  or  head-stone  over  his  remains, 
but  to  place  a  marble  slab,  and  on  it  have  the 
following  inscription  engraved  thereon: 
"Here  lies  an  honest  Lawyer."  His  wife 
was  astonished  at  such  a  request,  and  then 
said:  "But,  my  dear,  how  will  the  public 
know  who  it  is?" 

The  husband  then  replied:  "That  when 
people  read  it  they  would  say :  '  Well,  that's 
Strange.'" 

The  Englishman  arose  in  response  to  a 
toast,  and  said:  "That  before  he  gave  the 
toast,  he  would  like  to  tell  a  story  he  heard 
while  at  a  dinner  in  America.  ' '  A  prominent 
lawyer,  or  barrister  as  we  call  it  here, 
which,  of  course  is  the  correct  title,  lived  at 
one  time  in  Chicago,  Ohio ;  (a  few  miles  out- 
side of  New  York,)  his  name  was — was — 
never  mind  the  name  for  the  present ;  as  its 
of  little  consequence,  called  his  wife  to  his 
bedside  after  he  died,  and  requested  her  to 
put  a  plain  tombstone  on  his  grave  and  the 
following  inscribed  on  the  same:  "Here 
lies  an  honest  Barrister."  The  wife  was 
rather  dumbfounded  at  the  peculiar  request 
of  her  lord,  and  then  remarked:  "Why 
John — John—  I  can't  think  of  his  last  name, 
but  as  I  said  before,  it's  of  little  conse- 
quence, and  nothing  to  do  with  the  story — 
"John,  will  the  people  at  large  know  who  it 
is?"  The  husband  then  replied :  "Why  un- 
doubtedly, my  dear,  when  they  read  that 
simple  epitaph,  they  will  remark:  "Well 
thavs  most  extraordinary." 


The  Ten  Dollar  Bill,  the  Baby,  and  the 
Good  Deed- 

FRANKLIN  MURPHY  brought  sympathetic 
tears  to  the  eyes  of  his  hearers  at  the  dinner 
of  the  Leather  Manufacturers'  Association, 
by  relating  a  story  of  benevolence,  says  the 
Newark  Journal.  A  friend  of  his,  he  said, 
was  walking  down  to  business  one  morning, 
when  he  saw  a  young  woman  with  a  baby  in 
her  arms  sitting  on  a  church  step  and  weep- 
ing. The  man,  whom  Mr.  Murphy  called 
Jones,  was  touched  by  her  apparent  distress, 
and  asked  her  what  was  the  cause  of  it. 

"I  walked  into  town,"  she  replied,  "to  have 
my  baby  baptized,  and  now  it  will  cost  me 
$3  to  have  the  service  performed.  I  haven't 
the  money,  and  I  don't  know  what  to  do. " 

"Well,  that's  a  small  matter,"  said  Jones, 
"  I  haven't  $3  in  change,  but  here's  a  ten-dol- 
lar bill.  Take  it,  and  I  will  wait  here  for  the 
change." 

The  woman  returned  in  a  short  time  and 
handed  Jones  $7.  He  patted  the  child's 
head  and  went  down  town,  rejoicing  in  his 
own  goodness.  He  felt  good  all  day,  and  his 
countenance  ehown  with  an  unusual  bright- 
ness. His  associates  all  noticed  the  change, 
and  finally  one  of  them  asked  him  the  cause 
of  it. 

"I  am  happier  than  usual  to-day,"  said 
Jones,  "and  the  reason  of  it  is  that  I  did 
three  good  things  on  my  way  down  town  this 
morning."  He  related  the  occurrence,  and 
wound  up  by  saying, — 

"  So  I  performed  a  deed  of  charity,  started 
a  little  child  on  its  way  to  Paradise,  and  got 
seven  good  dollars  for  a  counterfeit  ten-dol- 
lar bill. 


"Why  Didn't  He! 

One  Sunday  morning,  Mr.  Moody,  the  re- 
vivalist, entered  a  Chicago  drug  store  distri- 
buting tracts.  At  the  back  of  the  store  sat 
an  elderly  and  distinguished  citizen  reading 
a  morning  newspaper.  Mr.  Moody  ap- 
proached this  gentleman  and  threw  one  of  the 
temperance  tracts  upon  the  paper  before  him. 
The  old  gentleman  glanced  at  the  tract,  and 
then,  looking  up  benignantly  asked:  "Are 
you  a  reformed  drunkard  ?" 

"  No,  sir,  I  am  not!"  cried  Moody,  drawing 
back  indignantly. 

"Then  why  in don't  you  reform?" 

quietly  asked  the  old  gentleman. 


"Who  Makes  the  Laws- 

AT  a  recent  examination  in  a  girls'  school 
the  question  was  put  to  a  class  or  little  ones: 
"Who  makes  the  laws  of  our  government?  " 
"How  is  Congress  divided?"  was  the  next 
question,  A  little  girl  in  the  class  raised  her- 
hand.  "Well,"  said  the  examiner,  "Misa 
Sallie,  what  do  you  say  the  answer  is?" 
Instantly,  with  an  air  of  confidence,  as  well 
as  triumph,  the  answer  came:  "  Civilized- 
half -civilized  and  savage." 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


77 


His  Sympathy. 


"SEE  her  kiss  that  ugly  dog,"  said  one 
gentleman  to  another  in  a  horse-car,  in  a 
loud  whisper,  calling  attention  to  a  woman 
who  was  lavish  with  her  endearments  of  a 
pet  poodle.  She  overheard  the  comment, 
and,  glowering  upon  the  unfortunate  man, 
said,  in  vinegary  accents :  "It  won't  hurt  me 
if  I  do."  "Oh,  I  beg  your  pardon,  Madam ; 
but  my  sympathy  was  wholly  with  the  dog." 

He  Mashed  a  Hat. 

ALONG  about  the  middle  of  the  coach  was  a 
young  lady,  not  a  beautiful  girl,  but  just 
ordinary,  although  she  had  a  very  jaunty  hat 
and  a  sealskin  sacque.  A  young  man  got  on 
at  Castile,  who  stood  at  the  door  and  looked 
the  passengers  over  for  a  minute  or  two,  and 
he  then  walked  deliberately  down  the  aisle 
and  plumped  himself  down  beside  the  girl. 
As  he  did  so  there  was  a  crash  and  a  crush, 
and  he  sprang  up  to  discover  that  he  had  Bat 
down  upon  a  bandbox  and  mashed  it  flat. 

"I'm  so  sorry — so  sorry!"  he  stammered 
as  he  turned  all  sorts  of  colors. 

"Mister  man,"  she  replied  as  she  inspected 
the  ruin,  '  'have  you  got  $12  in  cash  about  you  ?" 

"W-what!  I  really  beg  your  pardon.  In- 
deed I  did'nfr— ," 

' '  Fork  over !  "  she  interrupted,  holding  out 
her  hand. 

"Twelve  dollars!" 

"Exactly.  You  have  mashed  a  $12  bonnet, 
and  I  want  the  money." 

"But,  Miss— but— ," 

"My  brother  Bill  is  forward  in  the  smoking 
car,  and  if  you  don't  pay  I'll  call  him! 
There's  nothing  cheap  about  Bill.  He'll  knock 
$50  worth  of  jaw  off  your  chin  before  he  gets 
through  with  you." 

"I'll  pay,  Miss." 

"That's  business.  Fifteen  dollars,  eh! 
Twelve  from  fifteen  leaves  three,  and  here's 
the  change  and  the  hat.  Next  time  you  go  to 


kerplunk  down  beside  anybody  look  out  for 
breakers." 

"I beg  to  apologize,  miss,"  he  replied. 

"Oh,  you  need'nt,  you  got  off  cheap.  If 
you  hadn't  smashed  the  hat  I'd  have  pulled 
$25  worth  of  hair  out  of  your  head  anyhow." 

Everybody  felt  sorry  for  the  man.  He  got 
into  a  seat  at  the  end  of  the  car,  closed  him- 
self up  like  a  jackknife,  and  every  time  the 
door  opened  what  we  could  see  of  him  turned 
pale  for  fear  it  was  her  brother  Bill. 

The  Tunnel  Joke. 

ONE  day  while  traveling  from  Glasgow  to 
Carlisle,  relates  a  writer  in  "  Scottish  Nights," 
I  enjoyed  a  pleasant  joke,  perpetrated  by  a 
wag  of  a  fellow  who  was  in  the  same  com- 
partment. This  young  man  appeared  to  be  a 
commercial  traveler,  from  the  confident,  sell- 
you-anything-you-like  manner  he  had.  His 
face  was  sallow  and  as  grave  as  a  priest's, 
but  the  twinkling  light  in  his  fine  brown 
eyes  showed  the  latent  fun  that  was  in  him. 
Our  companions  were  a  young  couple,  ap- 
parently newly  married,  an  old  clerical-looking 
gentleman,  and  a  solid  looking  farmer.  The 
young  man  looked  calmly  about  him  for  a  min- 
ute or  two,  and  then  asked  the  young  husband : 

"  Ever  been  on  this  line  before? " 

' '  No !  "  he  answered  with  a  smile. 

"Two  awfully  long  tunnels ! "  solemnly  said 
the  stranger. 

"  Where?"  asked  the  husband  eagerly. 

"  Oh,  here  is  one ! "  replied  the  stranger,  as 
we  entered  the  Eglinton  tunnel. 

During  our  .passage  through  the  dark  we 
heard  a  faint  "Oh  John ! "  and  a  faint  odor  of 
spirits  pervading  the  carriage.  When  we 
emerged  into  the  light  the  young  couple  sat 
looking  as  innocent  as  two  doves,  and  the  old 
fellow  opposite  leaned  back  in  his  seat  as  if 
pleased  with  all  the  world.  The  stranger 
looked  significantly  at  me,  as  much  as  to  say, 
"  Now  we'll  have  fun?"  and  then,  turning  to 
the  bridegroom,  said : 

"That  is  nothing  to  the  one  we  will  pass 
through  in  a  little. " 

For  a  moment  or  two  all  was  silence,  and 
then  as  we  approached  the  bridge  near  Ruth- 
erglen,  the  stranger  said : 

"Here  we  are  again !"  and  laid  himself  back 
on  his  seat  with  the  air  of  a  man  about  to  sleep. 

In  a  second  we  were  out  into  the  light,  and 
what  a  scene  the  carriage  presented!  The 
old  fanner  and  the  clergyman  each  had  a 
flask  half  raised  to  their  lips,  and  stared  at 
each  other  in  blank  amazement,  while  the 
bride,  blushing  like  a  peony,  did  her  best  to 
look  composed.  Slowly  and  sadly  the  two  old 
fellows  took  their  drinks,  glaring  at  the 
stranger  the  while,  and  the  bridegroom  looked 
as  if  he  could  have  eaten  somebody.  The 
young  man  lay  back  seemingly  unconscious  of 
the  scene ;  but  the  dancing  light  in  his  eyes 
showed  the  mirth  he  was  surpressing.  I 
laughed  consumed  ly,  and  ran  great  risk  of 
being  murdered,  but  I  could  not  help  it,  and 
I  never  pass  through  a  tunnel  without  re- 
membering the  tunnel  joke. 


78 


NEW  YABNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


A  Happy  Family. 


"  BE  thim  all  your  children,  Mrs.  McSorley?  " 
"Phwat!    Thim  all  moin!    D'ye  take  me  fer  an 
Incubator? " 


A  Pint  of  Order. 

A  valued  member  of  the  Texas  Legislature 
had  died,  and  the  House  was  paying  tribute 
to  his  memory.  In  an  affecting  speech  a  col- 
league, in  referring  to  the  deceased,  said : 

"He  left  a  front  room  unfortunately  vacant 
at  the  house  of  Widow  Jones's  on  the  aill, 
whar  it  is  fittin'  to  remark  that  the  members 
of  this  yer  Legislatur  are  boarded  at  the 
price  of  four  dollars  a  week,  washin'  not  in- 
cluded." 

At  this  a  tall  member  from  Tom  Green 
county  shouted:  "  Pint  of  order,  Mr.  Speak- 
er!" 

"The  gentleman  will  state  his'p'mV  the 
Speaker  replied. 

"  Are  it  in  order  ? "  said  the  member,  "for 
a  man  in  a  speech  on  to  a  dead  man  to  ring  in 
a  boardin'  house  kept  by  his  aunt  and  furn- 
ished by  hisself  ? " 

He  Could  Not  See  The  Joke, 

"WHICH  would  you  rather  have,"  said 
Jones  to  Brown,  "a  five-pound  note  or  five 
sovereigns? " 

"Seems  to  me  there's  no  difference,"  was 
the  reply. 

"On,  yes  there  is;  I'd  sooner  have  the  note, 
for  when  you  put  it  in  your  pocket  you 
double  it,  and  when  you  take  it  out  you  find 
it  in  creases ! " 

Brown  was  so  tickled  with  the  riddle  that 
he  went  into  his  club  and  promptly  asked  it 
to  the  first  man  he  came  across. 

"Give  it  up,"  said  the  latter  hopelessly. 

"Why,  the  note,  of  course;  for  when  you 
put  it  in  your  pocket  you  fold  it  in  half,  and 
when  you  take  it  out  you  find  it  all  crumpled 
—ha,  ha!" 

But  his  friend  looked  more  hopeless  than 
before,  and  to  this  day  Brown  can't  make 
out  why  he  did  not  see  the  joke. 


He  was  no  such  Person  like  dot, 

With  a  fly  screen  under  one  arm  and  a 
bundle  of  sticky  fly  paper  under  the  other,  an 
honest  agent  entered  a  grocery  store  on 
Second  avenue  yesterday  morning  and  said: 

"  Why  don't  you  keep  'em  out!  ' 

"  Who  vash  dot? "  asked  the  grocery  man. 

"Why,  the  pesky  flies.  You've  got  'em  by 
the  thousands  in  here,  and  the  season  has 
only  begun.  Shall  I  put  fly  screens  in  the 
doors? " 

"What  for?" 

"To  keep  the  flies  out." 

"Why  should  I  keep  der  flies  out!     Flies"1 
like  some  chance  to  go  aroundt  und  see  our 
city  der  same  as  agents.     If  a  fly  is  keep  on 
der  street  all  der  time  he  might  as  well  be  a 
horse." 

"Yes,  but  they  are  a  great  nuisance.  I'll  put 
you  up  a  screen  door  there  for  three  dollars." 

"Not  any  forme.  If  a  fly  vhants  to  come 
in  here  and  behaves  himself  I  have  nothing 
to  say.  If  he  don't  behave  I  bounce  him 
oudt  pooty  qveek,  and  don't  yer  forget  her !  " 

"Well  try  this  fly  paper.  Every  sheet 
will  catch  five  hundred  flies." 

"  Who  vants  to  catch  'em?" 

"  I  do — you — everybody?" 

"I  don't  see  it  like  dot.  If  I  put  d«t  fly 
paper  on  der  counter  somebody  comes  along 
and  vipes  his  nose  mit  it,  or  somebody  leans 
his  elbow  on  her  und  vhalks  off  mit  him.  It 
yould  be  shust  like  my  Shake  to  come  in  und 
lick  all  der  molasses  off  to  play  a  shoke  on 
his  fad  der." 

"Well  I'll  put  down  a  sheet,  and  if  it 
does  not  catch  twenty  flies  in  five  minutes  I'll 
say  no  more." 

r'  No  my  agent  f riendht,  flies  must  have  a 
shance  to  get  along  und  take  some  comfort. 
I  vhas  poor  once  myseluf,  and  I  know  all 
about  it." 

"I'll  give  you  seven  sheets  for  10  cents." 

"  Cxactly  so,  but  I  won't  do  it.  It  looks  to 
me  like  a  small  beesnes  for  a  big  agent  like 
you  to  go  aroundt  mit  some  confidence  games 
to  shwindle  flies.  A  fly  vhas  born  to  be  a  fly 
und  to  come  into  my  sthore  ash  he  likes. 
Vhen  he  comes  shall  treat.him  like  a  shen- 
tleman,  und  I  give  him  a  fair  show.  I  don't 
keep  an  ax  to  knock  him  in  der  hedt,  undt 
I  don't  put  some  molasses  all  ofer  a  sheet  of 
baaper  und  coax  him  to  come  und  be  shtuck 
mit  his  feet  till  he  can't  fly  away,  You  can 
pass  along.  I'm  no  such  person  like  dot." 


Both  of  Them  Confused. 

THEY  were  passing  under  the  elevated 
railroad,  and  the  din  overhead  was  almost 
deafening. 

"This  bustle  makes  my  head  ache, "she  said. 

"  Probably,"  observed  he,  "if  you  were  to 
wear  a  smaller  one — 

"Sir!"  she  indignantly  cried.  "I  mean 
the  noise  confuses  me." 

"I  beg  your  pardon,"  stammered  he.  "I 
am  confused  too." 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


79 


An  Interesting  Interview. 


-"  The  Senator  from  Wayne  County  declined  to 
talk  for  publication." 


3— "He  accompanied  our  reporter  down   stairs, 
however." 


Tit  for  Tat. 

Cross-examining  Council:  Isn't  your  hus- 
band a  burglar? 

Witness :    Y-e-s 

Cross-Examining  Council :  And  didn't  you 
know  he  was  a  burglar  when  you  married 
him? 

Witness:  Yes;  but  I  was  getting  a  little 
old,  and  I  had  to  choose  between  a  burglar 
and  a  lawyer,  so  what  else  could  I  do? 

Beastly  "Weather- 

"  Is  it  raining,  girls !"  asked  Fangle. 
"No,"  broke  in  Cuniso;   "only  cats  and 
dogs." 


A  Midnight  Accident. 

"Say,  did  you  hear  of  Smithers'  accident?" 

"Smithers?  The  chap  who  married  a  wo- 
man whose  face  would  stop  a  Waterbury 
watch !" 

' '  Yes.  He  always  keeps  a  revolver  under 
his  pillow.  Got  up  for  a  drink  last  night  and 
was  feeling  his  way  back  to  bed  when  he  ac- 
cidently  laid  his  hand  on  his  wife's  face " 

"And  she  shot  him?    Horrible !"  . 

"No,  no?    Her  face  sprained  his  wrist?"/ 


He  Knew 
"Mamma,  I  know  the  gentleman's  name 

that  called  to  see  Aunt  Ellie  last  night  and 

nobody  told  me,  either. " 

"Well,  then,  what  is  it,  Bobbie?,' 

"Why,   George  Don't.     I  heard  her  say 

George  don't  in  the  parlor  four  or  five  times 

hand  running.     That's  what  his  name  is." 


A  Yankee   at  the  Theatre. 

On  a  certain  occasion,  at  a  certain  drama- 
tic temple,  a  farce  was  in  course  of  represent- 
ation, and  had  just  reached  the  scence  where 
the  lover  enters  seeking,  almost  distracted, 
his  lady  love. 

"Where,  oh  Heaven?  where  has  my  Julia 
fled?"  exclaimed  the  actor,  in  despairing  ac- 
cents. 

A  specimen  of  the  genus  Yankee,  in  the  pit, 
now  exhibited  symptoms  of  impatience,  and 
as  the  actor  repeated  his  impassioned  inquiry, 
he  was  answered  by  our  Yankee  with : 

"  Right  behind  you,  you  darn  fool,  in  the 
later  patch!" 

The  effect  of  this  can  be  better  imagined 
than  described.  The  applause  was  tremend- 
ous. 


3->"  And  ushered  him  into  the  street  in  his  usuai 
courteous  manner." 


80 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


Straight  Ahead- 


1 — "Pools !  If  those  people  would  only  keep  their 
eyes  open  and  look  where  they  are  going  they'd 
never  suffer  such " 


2.— "W-o-w!    Hi!    Help!" 


Another  Game  Altogether. 

"Well,"  remarked  the  Justice,  "what  is 
this  young  man  accused  of?" 

"  I  caught  him  playing  poker,  sir,"  replied 
the  policeman. 

' '  Yes, "  returned  the  Court ;  ' '  but  I  have  no 
objections  to  poker  you  know.  If  that  is  all 
the  charge  against  him  I  shall  discharge  him. 
What  have  you  to  say  for  yourself,  young 
man?" 

•  "  I  was  sitting  down  with  some  friends  of 
mine,  Your  Honor,  playing  a  friendly  game 
of  cards. " 

"Yes." 

We  had  a  jack-pot  on  the  table.  It  was 
opened,  and  I  came  in  on  a  pair  of  deuces. 
The  man  who  opened  it  stood  pat  and  bet  ten 
dollars,  and  I  called  him." 

"Called  him  on  deuces?  Twenty-five  dol- 
lars fine.  Call  the  next." 

• '  Yes,"  gasped  the  prisoner,  "  but,  I  thought 
pou  didn't  object  to  poker. " 

"I  don't;  but  to  call  a  man  on  deuces  isn't 
poker.  Call  the  next. " 


Did  you  ever  hear  a  Man  Crow. 

Going  over  on  a  Weekawken  ferry-boat  the 
other  uay,  was  an  old  fellow  attired  in  a,v 
1840  sporting  costume,  the  principal  element 
of  which  was  an  Irish  cape-coat  reaching  front 
his  hat  brim  to  his  heels. 

His  little  ferret  eyes  snapped  uneasily  from 
under  a  pair  of  moustachio  brows  and  it  was 
evident  that  he  was  pining  for  somebody  to 
talk  to. 

That  somebody,  in  the  person  of  a  Wash- 
ington market  butcher  came  in  presently  and 
taking  an  adjourning  seat  opened  the  ball  by 
remarking  that  it  was  a  wet  day. 

"  Wet  ain't  no  name  for  it,"  was  the  prompt 
rejoinder."  it's  a  reg'lar  soaker.  Whar'  yer 
from?" 

"Noo  York." 

' '  Sho !  I  didn't  know  but  what  yer  might 
be  from  Sennygamby.  Did  yer  ever  hear  a 
man  crow?" 

"  Wha-a-t?" 

"  Ever  hear  a  man  crow  like  a  rooster?" 

"Git  out!" 

"  Betcher  life,  I  kin." 

"Le's  hear  ye,"  and  the  marketman's  eyes 
betrayed  an  overwhelming  curiosity. 

"Costs  a  quarter,  my  friend,  and  if  yer 
ain't  satisfied,  yer  gits  yer  money  back.  If  I 
can't  crow  ter  beat  any  Shanghai  you  ever 
heard,  I'll  go  'n  jump  overboard.  Thanks. 
Any  one  else  wanter  hear  me?" 

Several  coins  were  handed  to  the  original 
professor,  and  an  air  of  expectancy  prevaded 
the  cabin,  as  he  prepared  for  the  perform- 
ance. 

Turning  around  sideways,  and  burying  his 
chin  deep  down  in  the  recesses  of  his  collar, 
he  suddenly  let  out  a  clear  shrill  penetrating 
"  Cook-a-doo-dle-doq !"  that  was  absolutely 
perfect  in  it's  imitation  of  a  big  lunged  barn- 
yard king,  and  his  effort  was  f ollowed  by  a 
thunder  of  applause  with  shook  the  boat.  ' '  I 
told  yer  so,"  he  said  as  his  face  came  into  view 
again.  "  They  ain't  no  flies  on  Grower  Hal- 
pin.  Wanter  hear  another?'' 

More  quarters  were  produced,  and  he  was 
just  going  to  repeat  the  feat  when  the  butcher 
by  a  quick  .spasmodic  movement  reached 
down  under  the  skirts  of  the  great-coat  and 
pulled  a  fine  specimen  of  a  Jersey  chanticleer 
with  the  terse  remark :  ' '  Say,  friend,  th' 
next  time  you  try  a  chicken  bunco  game,  be 
partic'ler  that  your  pal  keeps  his  tail  feathers 
from  showin'. "  It  was  very  fortunate  for  the 
Ferry  Company  that  even  the  boat  was  left 
when  the  crowd  followed  that  old  man 
ashore. 


She  Was  Padded. 

'  What  a  plump  figure  Norah  has  !'* 

'  Yes?    If  it  were  only  her  own !" 

'  Why,  I  saw  her  out  yesterday,   and  I'll 

swear  she  was  padded." 
'Oh,  I  don't  think  so." 
'  But  she  was.    She  had  Paddy  Murphy's 

arm." 

"  Oh !    Paddied !    Very  good. " 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


81 


A  Star  explains  his   Position  on  the 
Stage. 

"We  were  playing  in  a  small  town,  back 
in  the  seventies,"  said  a  theatrical  man, 
' '  when  our  leading  heavy  man  had  a  rather 
tough  experience.  All  the  miners  were  in 
the  theatre.  Well,  the  heavy  man  had  been 
persecuting  a  poor  maiden  through  two  acts. 
In  the  third  act  he  came  to  the  powerful 
scene  of  the  play.  '  At  last,'  he  said,  '  I  have 
you  in  my  power,  and  nothing  on  earth  can 
save  you.  I,  who  was  the  slave,  am  now  the 
master.'  So  saying  he  advanced  toward  his 
trembling  victim. 

"  '  Mercy!"  she  moaned. 

' ' '  Mercy, '  he  retorted.  'You  had  no  mercy 
for  me,  and  I  will  have  none  for  you. ' 

"At  that  moment  a  gruff  voice  was  heard 
from  the  gallery  :  '  You  blamed  varmint, 
111  settle  with  you.'  There  was  the  crack  of 
a  pistol,  and  a  bullet  whizzed  near  the  heavy 
mam.  'Plug  the  son  of  a  gun,  boys, '  continued 
the  voice,  and  a  shower  of  bullets  saluted 
the  stage  villain.  He  didn't  stop  long,  but 
fled  from  the  stage. 

' '  In  the  wing  he  met  the  stage  manager, 
who  was  white  with  anger. 

'  You  have  broken  up  the  scene, '  he  said. 
'Well  ?' 

'  Go  back  to  the  stage,  sir,  and  wait  for 
your  exit.' 

'I  guess  not. ' 

'  I  tell  you  I  won't  have  a  man  in  my 
company  who  is  so  easily  disconcerted.  Go 
t>n  with  the  scene,  or  you  leave  the  company 
to-morrow.' 

' '  That  was  serious.  To  be  stranded  in  that 
forsaken  town  was  calculated  to  make  the 
heavy  man  appreciative. 

"'  I'll  go  back,'  he  said. 

' '  He  tore  off  his  wig  just  before  going  on, 
and,  stepping  down  to  the  footlights  with  an 
injured  expression  of  countenance,  he  said  : 

' ' '  Ladies  and  gentlemen  (there  were  no 
ladies  there,  but  that  didn't  matter,)  with 
your  kind  permission  I  will  resume,  the  scene. 
Before  doing  so,  however,  I  want  to  call  your 
attention  to  the  fact  that  the  young  lady  and 
myself  are  merely  acting  parts.  In  reality 
we  are  the  best  or  friends.  I  bear  you  no  ill 
win  for  your  display  of  heroic  chivalry?  I 
trust,  however,  that  you  will  curb  your  gen- 
erous sentiments,  for  if  you  should  hit  me 
the  play  would  be  interrupted,  ii  uny  of  the 
gentlemen  will  meet  me  after  the  sbo-vv  at 
McCarty's  they  will  find  out  that  I  am  not  a 
bad  fellow.' 

' '  Loud  cheers  greeted  this  speech  and  the 
play  was  resumed." 

A  Jewel  of  Honesty. 

Caller:    Is  Mr.  Jones  in? 

The  New  Servant  Maid  (a  jewel  of  honesty 
from  the  country):  Yes.  sir:  but  he's  not 
well.  He  can't  see  you. 

"  111,  is  he?    I  hope  it's  nothing  serious." 

"Not  very  serious;  he's  drunk,  sir." 


'Amusing  the  Baby" 

OR  CAUSE  AND  EFFECT. 


1.— WIFE.— "  Good  by,  John.  I'll  be  back  in  about 
three  hours.  Be  sure  you  amuse  the  baby  and  keep 
her  quiet  while  I  am  gone.  L  know  you'll  enjoy 
having  her  all  to  yourself." 


2.— MOTHER  (five  years  after) — "Yes.  Edna,  that 
is  your  lather.  When  you  were  three  months  old 
I  left  him  well  and  happy  one  afternoon--minding' 
you.  He  was  brought  here  the  next  day," 


After  the  "Whipping. 
"  Pa,  why  am  I  like  Jonah?" 
"I'm  hanged  if  I  know.    Ill  have  to  give 
it  up." 

"  Because  I've  just  been  whaled." 


NEW  YAJRNS  AND  FUNNI  JOKES, 


It  cut  Him  Short. 

A  farmer  drove  up  as  we  were  sitting  on 
the  side  porch  of  the  hotel,  and  after  fasten- 
ing his  horse  he  came  around  to  us,  and  be- 
gan : 

' '  Gentlemen,  mebbe  it  so  happens  that  one 
of  you  is  a  preacher?" 

"VVe  put  in  a  denial  one  after  another,  and 
he  continued : 

"Wall,  the  case  is  this.  My  hired  man 
died  yesterday.  He  ain't  got  no  friends 
around  here,  and  he  didn't  amount  to  much, 
but  we've  got  to  hold  some  sort  of  a  funeral 
over  .him.  Kin  ary  one  of  you  do  any  talk- 
ing!'' 

It  was  finally  decided  that  an  Ohio  man. 
•who  represented  a  windmill  manufacturerj 
should  ' '  do  the  right  thing  by  the  late  lam- 
ented, "and,  that  afternoon  the  landlord  car- 
ried us  out  to  the  farmhouse  in  a  wagon. 
Four  or  five  farmers  had  assembled,  a  grave 
had  been  dug  down  on  some  waste  land  near 
the  railroad,  and  the  coffin  was  the  cheapest 
affair  to  be  had  for  the  money.  It  was  evi- 
dent that  the  deceased  hadn't  laid  by  any 
cash  for  such  an  occasion.  When  all  was 
ready  for  the  windmill  man  he  stepped  out 
from  his  chair  and  pitched  the  tune  and  we 
joined  in  singing.  Then  he  said : 

"  My  friends,  death  is  a  sad  thing.  It  must 
come  to  all,  Our  poor  friend  here  was  hard- 
ly prepared  for  death  when  he  took  to  his 
bed.  He  had  been  carrying  water  to  the 
stock  a  long  distance,  and  this  exertion 
'pulled  him  down.  Had  this  farm  been  sup- 
(plied  with  one  of  our  '  None  Such'  windmills, 
•warranted  to  pump  150  gallons  of  water  per 
minute,  this  man's  life  might " 

"  Hold  on  a  bit,"  interrupted  the  farmer,  as 
he  rose  up.  "  I've  got  that  very  windmill  on 
this  farm,  and  it  was  owing  to  the  blamed 
thing  being  out  of  order  and  then  falling  down 
that  Jim  got  his  death.  This  hain't  much  of 
a  funeral,  gentlemen,  but  what  there  is  of  it 
has  got  to  be  straight,  Proceed,  brother, 
and  perhaps  you'd  better  skip  windmills  and 
git  in  sunthin'  about  our  loss  bein'  his  grain, 
the  good  die  young,  death  cometh  to  the  high 
and  low,  and  so  on. '" 

But  the  windmill  man  had  lost  his  grip, 
and  he  led  off  with  the  "Doxology"  and 
closed  the  business  in  seven  minutes  from  the 
start. 


Another  Sort  of  Thing. 

Miss  Arabella  Liepyer — I  do  not  mind  your 
poverty,  George.  Until  your  fortunes  mend, 
I  could  be  happy  in  your  wealth  of  affection ; 
and  in  some  vine-clad  cottage — 

Mr.  Wardoff — Pardon  me,  dear ;  you  know 
I  am  only  a  poor  city  clerk,  and  cottages  are 
out  of  the  question.  Do  you  think  you  could 
be  happy  in  a  third-floor-back  furnished 
room,  with  a  sewing  machine  buzzing  over- 
head and  some  fiend  below  cooking  cabbage? 

Miss  Arabella — May  be,  George,  dear,  we'd 
better  wait,  after  all. — Piick. 


The  Joke  on  the  Joker. 

A  laughable  but  rather  embarrassing  ca««« 
of  mistaken  indentity  occurred  the  other  day 
in  one  of  Boston's  largest  retail  stores.  A 
gentleman  who  is  a  little  too  fond  of  joking, 
entered  the  store  for  the  purpose  of  meeting 
his  wife  at  a  certain  counter.  Sure  enough, 
there  stood  a  lady  well  dressed,  to  his  eye,  at 
least,  just  like  the  woman  he  was  after. 

Her  back  was  turned,  and  no  one  was  near 
her ;  so  he  quietly  approached,  took  her  by  the 
arm,  and  said,  in  a  voice  of  simulated  sever- 
ity; "Well,  here  you  are,  spending  your 
money  as  usual,  eh?" 

The  face  turned  quickly  toward  him  was 
not  his  wife's ;  it  was  that  of  an  angry,  acrid, 
keen-eyed  woman  of  about  50  years,  who  at- 
tracted the  attention  of  everybody  in  that 
part  of  the  store  by  saying,  in  a  loud,  shrill 
voices 

' '  No,  I  ain't  spending  your  money  or  no 
other  man's  and  I'll — "  * 

"I beg  your  pardon,  madam,"  cried  the 
confused  gentleman,  ' '  I  supposed  you  were 
my  wife,  and — " 

"  Well,  I  just  ain't  your  wife,  nor  no  man's 
wife,  thank  fortune,  to  be  jawed  at  every 
time  I  buy  a  yard  of  ribbon !  I  pity  your  wife 
if  you  go  round  shaking  her  like  you  did  me. 
If  I  was  her,  I'd—" 

The  chagrined  joker  waited  to  hear  no  more, 
but  made  his  way  out  of  the  shop  amid  the 
titers  and  sly  chuckles  of  those  who  had  wit- 
nessed the  confusion. 


Suicide  Anyhow. 

Antiquarian  Bore :  "Now,  do  you  think 
Cleopatra  really  killed  herself  with  an  asp?" 

Business  Man  (rudely) :  ' '  N-o,  of  course 
not.  Most  likely,  while  in  search  of  youth 
and  beauty,  she  tried  somebody's  Elixir  of 
Life." 


His  Mind  was  Elsewhere. 

"Anything  new  in  kids?"  inquired  the 
stylish  young  lady  while  on  her  shopping 
tour. 

"  Yes,"  replied  the  polite  salesman  absent- 
mindedly,  "twins  last  night — I  beg  your  par- 
don—" 

But  the  stylish  young  lady  was  out  of  sight. 

"RACKET." 


Must  be  New. 

Old  Lady — I'd  like  to  git  a  pair  o'  shoes, 
young  man. 

Polite  Clerk — Yes,  ma'am.  Something  pret- 
ty nice,  ma'am? 

Old  Lady — I  want  'em  good  'n'  stout. 

Polite  Clerk — Well,  ma'am,  here's  a  strong 
shoe,  an  excellent  strong  shoe.  It  has  been 
worn  a  great  deal  this  winter 

Old  Lady — Man  alive,  I  don't  want  no 
shoes  that's  been  worn  this  winter  nor  any 
other  winter;  I  want  a  bran'  new  pair!" 

— Puck. 


YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


83 


The  Latest  Snap. 


1.— Bob  Samson— "You  ought  to  buy  one  of  these 
health  pulls,  Charley.  You  grasp  the  handles,  lean 
forward,  and  then  go — 


2. -Back!' 


Improved  Fly-Paper. 

Inventor — I  would  like  to  get  you  interested 
in  my  improved  fly-paper. 

Capitalist — What  makes  you  think  it  will 
be  successful? 

Inventor — Because  it's  gotten  up  in  imita- 
tion of  a  bald  head. — Life. 


His  First  Offense. 

Mr.  Cash — "Mr.  Cypher,  you  were  absent 
without  leave  yesterday." 

Mr.  Cypher — "Yes,  sir.  I  was  married 
very  unexpectedly  yesterday." 

Mr.  Cash— "Well,  sir,  you  will  please  see 
that  it  does  not  occur  again." 

He  had  Quit  it. 

' '  Do  you  ever  go  to  bed  with  cold  feetf 
asked  the  physician. 

"  No,"  replied  the  patient.  "  My  wife  died 
seven  years  ago,  and  I  never  remarried." 

— "liACKET." 


Times  Had  Changed. 

AtSumter,  S.  C.,  there  was  a  large  crowd 
of  colored  people  at  the  depot  as  the  train 
pulled  in.  An  old  bald-headed  Uncle  Jerry 
had  his  head  out  of  the  coach  set  apart  for 
colored  passengers,  and  a  man  on  the  plat- 
form recognized  him  and  called  out: 

"Hello,  Misser  Stivers !  is  dat  yo'?" 

The  old  man  looked  straight  at  Mm,  but 
made  no  response. 

' '  Hello !  Misser  Stivers !" 

No  response. 

"Say,  Misser  Stivers,  has  yo'  losted  yo' 
hearing?"  persisted  the  man,  as  he  drew  near- 
er. 

"Boy,  was  yo'  talkin'  to  me?'1  demanded 
the  old  man. 

' '  Sautin.    What's  de  matter  ?" 

"Boy,  does  yo'  want  anything  of  me?" 

"  Why,  how  yo'  talk !  Reckon  yo'  has  got 
de  hoodoo. " 

' '  Does  yo'  evidently  reckon  yo'  knows 
me?" 

' '  Of  co'se  I  knows  yo'.  Yo'  is  ole  man  Sti- 
vers." 

"When  did  yo'  know  me?"  ' 

' '  Last  fall.  Why,  I  dun  worked  wid  yo* 
fur  three  months," 

' '  An'  when  yo'  dun  worked  wid  me  what 
was  la-doin'?" 

"Driven'  dem  mewls  for  Kurnel  Johnson." 

"Exactly,  sah.  But  I  want  yo'  to  under- 
stan'  dat  dere  is  a  heap  o'  difference  atwixt 
driven'  dem  mewls  fur  Kurnel  Johnson  an' 
ridin'  on  de  kivered  kyars  along  wid  white  < 
folks.  I  might  a-knowed  yo'  last  fall,  sah, 
but  if  yo'  now  desiah  to  permeate  any  along- 
ated  cpnversashun  wid  me  yo'  mus'  git  some 
'sponsible  gem'len  to  introduce  yo'?" 


How  he  sold  them- 

Lady  of  the  House :  I  don't  need  any  of 
your  burglar  alarms. 

Agent:  That's  just  what  the  lady  nest 
door  said. 

Lady  of  the  House  (on  the  alert) :  Said 
what? 

Agent :  That  it  was  no  use  of  me  calling 
here,  as  you  wouldn't  need  any,  because  you 
had  nothing  to  steal,  but  I  thought  I 

Lady  of  the  House  (gritting  her  teeth): 
Give  me  three. — "RACKET." 

Flexible  Keyholes. 

"Anything  else,  sir?"  asked  the  hardware 
clerk. 

"Well,    yes,"    mused  Dusenberry.     "I'd 
like  to  have  some   flexible  keyholes.      The 
trouble  I  bave  in  getting  my  latch-key  to  fit 
depresses  me  every  night." 
Your  wife,  I  suppose " 

"  Oh,  the  bother  is  n't  with  her,  but  with 
the  neighbors,  who  poke  their  heads  3ut  of 
the  windows  and  laugh  at  me.  Keyholes  that 
will  enlarge  and  ensmall,  assorted  sizes, 
please." 


YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


A.  Straw  Sleigh  Bide. 

THE  essential  ingrediments  of  a  "straw 
sleigh  ride "  are  from  fifteen  to  twenty-five 
young  men  and  women,  a  box  sleigh  without 
seats,  and  a  quantity  of  straw.  There  is  one 
serious  drawback  to  the  pleasure  of  such  an 
excursion.  The  cold  will  penetrate  the  bot- 
tom of  the  sleigh  in  spite  of  the  straw,  and 
will  exercise  a  chilling  influence  upon  the 
mirth  and  geniality  of  the  party.  On  this 
particular  occasion  a  thoughtful  young  man 
undertook  to  provide  means  for  keeping  the 

ejung  ladies  thoroughly  warm,  and  the  lat- 
r  placed  unreserved  confidence  in  his  wis- 
dom and  skill. 

Everybody  knows  that  bricks  when  thor- 
oughly heated  and  wrapped  up  in  paper  will 
preserve  their  warmth  for  many  hours.  The 
young  man  determined  to  warm  the  young 
ladies  of  the  sleighing  party  with  bricks,  and 
by  an  elaborate  calculation  arrived  at  the 
conclusion  that  each  young  lady  should  re- 
quire four  bricks.  As  the  party  was  to  con- 
sist of  eleven  girls  and  seven  young  men, 
he  laid  in  no  less  than  forty-four  bricks, 
all  of  which  he  heated  for  several  hours  in 
the  furnace  of  the  town  hall  an  subsequently 
placed  in  the  bottom  of  the  sleigh,  having 
mrst  wrapped  them  in  paper.  At  about  eight 
jo'clock  in  the  evening  the  sleigh  received  its 
precious  freight  and  the  young  man  was  ov- 
erwhelmed with  thanks  for  his  thoughtful 
conduct  in  protecting  the  young  ladies  from 
the  cold.  The  heat  from  the  bricks  was  at 
first  exceedingly  welcome,  but  after  a  time 
a  certain  uneasiness  on  the  part  of  the  young 
ladies  was  manifested.  They  conversed  in 
an  absent-minded  and  preoccupied  man- 
ner and  evinced  that  constant  tendency  of 
uneasy  movements  which  is  said  by  scien- 
tific persons  to  characterize  a  hen  when  plac- 
ed on  a  hot  gridle,  although  there  is  no  au- 
thenic  record  that  any  such  brutal  experi- 
ment has  ever  been  tried.  A  little  later  and 
the  girls  abandoned  all  attemps  to  join  in 
general  conversation  and  whispered  togeth- 
er with  every  appearance  of  anxiety  and 
alarm.  Presently  they  began  one  accord  to 
grope  nervously  and  stealthily  in  the  straw 
and  several  of  them  suddenly  shrieked  and 
blew  quite  violently  upon  their  fingers.  At 
last  the  much  astonished  young  man  was 
unanimously  called  upon  with  frenzied  ener- 
,gy  to  instantly  stop  the  sleigh,  and  as  soon 
'as  the  order  was  obeyed  the  young  ladies 
sprang  out  with  a  haste  that  disdained  any 
masculine  assistance.  The  smell  of  singed 
paper  had  by  this  time  suggested  an  explan- 
ation of  the  mystery,  and  the  demand  which 
was  presently  made  that  every  brick  should  be 
thrown  out  of  the  sleigh  left  no  doubt  in  the 
mind  of  the  young  man.  He  burned  his  fin- 
gers severely  while  handling  the  bricks,  but 
ne  cared  not  for  his  own  physical  pain.  The 
thought  that  instead  of  making  the  girls  com- 
fortable he  had  inflicted  upon  them  the  tor- 
tures of  St.  Lawrence,  filled  him  with  humil- 
iation. The  girls  were  merely  human,  and 


it  was  natural  that  they  gnouict  fwl  extreme- 
ly dissatisfied  with  him,  Dut  it  was  scarcely 
just  for  them  to  treat  him  with  cold  disdain. 
The  conduct  of  one  particular  young  lady 
whom  he  admired,  and  whom  he  provided 
with  an  extra  brick,  pierced  him  to  the  heart. 
She  persistently  sat  on  a  snow  bank  and  re- 
fused to  be  comforted,  or  to  concede  that  he 
was  not  a  hateful,  unfeeling  brute.  When 
the  cargo  of  bricks  was  finally  thrown  out 
and  the  girls  resumed  their  places  in  the 
sleigh,  the  whole  pleasure  of  the  excursion 
was  manifestly  wrecked,  and  the  young  man, 
who  had  exiled  himself  to  the  driver's  seat, 
felt  that  he  was  a  combination  of  half  a  dozen 
distinct  and  infamous  kinds  of  criminals. 


The  way  She  Surprised  Him. 

His  wagon  was  heavily  loaded  and  it  stuck 
in  the  mud.  He  pulled,  he  twisted,  he  beat 
the  horses,  he  roundly  swore.  He  did  every- 
thing he  could  think  of,  but  most  of  all,  he 
beat  the  horses.  He  was  aware  that  two 
women  were  watching  him,  and  presently 
one  of  them  came  wading  out  through  the 
mud  straight  toward  him. 

' '  Now,  hy ur  comes  one  o'  them  '  preven- 
tion o'  cruelty  t'  animals'  fiends,"  he  reflect- 
ed, "  an'  if  I  don't  give  'er  th'  biggest  piece  o' 
my  mind  she  ever  saw,  then  my  name  haint 
McGintry  !  It's  high  time  these  'ere  females 
was  set  down  on,  an'  I'm  a-going  ter  show 
ye  how  to  do  it." 

He  struck  the  rail,  with  which  he  had  been 
inviting  the  horses  to  proceed,  into  the  mud, 
folded  his  arms  and  faced  the  enemy. 

"Now,  look-ee  'ere  miss, "he  began,  threat- 
eningly, "  I  don't  want  none  o'  yer  preachin.* 
Thet  wagon's  stuck  in  thet  mud,  'n  this  fence 
rail 's  a-goin'  to  lam  them  horses  till  they 
pull 't  out,  if  it  takes  till  sundown,  'n'  all  the 
preachin'  you  er  any  other  female  c'n  do 
hain't  a-goin'  to  prevent  it  !" 

The  lady  smiled.  "I  was  going  to  sug- 
gest," she  said,  producing  a  stout  hickory, 

that  I  should  whip  the  horses  with  this 
while  you  pried  the  wheel  with  the  rail.  It 
will  not  hurt  the  wheel  so  much  as  it  does 
the  horses,  and  will  do  more  good." 

"Y'u  cud  a-knocked  me  down  'ith  a  feath- 
er," he  said,  when  he  was  telling  it  to  the- 
"boys."  "Wy,  she  was  a  whole  s'ciety  fer 
th 'prevention  o'  cruelty  to  animals,  herself.  '* 
—  West  Shore. 


Not  that  Kind  of  Man. 

Harry  (horrified  at  seeing  Kate  puffing  at 
a  cigarette) — Mercy!  Do  you  smoke,  Kate? 

Kate — Not  because  I  enjoy  it,  Harry.  I 
want  to  fill  the  room  with  smoke,  so  that 
should  a  burglar  break  in,  he'll  think  there's 
a  man  in  the  house. 

Harry — Well,  you're  only  losing  your  time 
and  soiling  your  lips.  A  man  never  smokes 
cigarettes — leastwise  no  man  that  a  burglar 
need  be  afraid  of. 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


85 


A  Night  in  a  Sleeper. 

'  'It  seemed  as  if  the  devil  had  broken  loose 
among  our  passengers  last  night,"  said  the 
conductor  of  the  sleeping-car  to  two  of  his 
comrades.  "We  had  the  liveliest  kind  of  a 
time  pretty  nearly  all  night.  Oh,  I  could 
*plit  my  sides  laughing  when  I  think  of  the 
iwo  Dutchmen,  the  nervous  man,  and  the  old 
lame  in  berth  10.  Then  there  was  the  bald- 
aeaded  man,  too.  Ha,  ha ! 

''You  want  the  yarn,  do  you?  Well,  I'll  be- 
r;;n  by  telling  you  that  we  had  a  big  load — 
t.iat  is,  a  big  load  of  passengers.  We  were  so 
lull  that  in  several  cases  we  made  two  friends 
occupy  the  same  berth.  The  first  incident 
that  occurred  to  make  things  lively  was  a 
row — or,  rather,  a 
sort  of  outburst  of 
popular  indigna- 
tion against  the 
pest  of  the  sleep- 
ing-car, the  restless 
chatterbox.  It  was 
a  little  after  elev- 
en o'clock,  and  we 
were  bowling  along 
at  the  rate  of  forty - 
five  miles  an  hour. 
Most  everybody 
had  retired  to  their 
berths  and  were 
trying  to  get  to 
sleep. 

"They  were  ser- 
iously disturbed  in 
this  attempt  by  a 
couple  of  German 
fellows  who  occu- 
pied upper  berths 
close  together,  and 
who  persisted  in 
jabbering  away  to 
each  other.  Had 
they  talked  Ger- 
man it  would  have 
been  bad  enough  ; 
but,  like  most  for- 
eigners who  cannot 
speak  our  lingo, 
they  chose  to  talk 
English  in  prefer- 
ence  to  their  own 
language.  And  never  has  English  been  worse 
maltreated  than  it  was  by  those  two  fellows. 
As  for  the  nature  of  the  conversation  it  was 
just  of  that  kind  which  is  calculated  to  put 
murder  in  the  heart  of  the  man  who  is  com- 
pelled to  listen  to  it.  It  was  like  this  : 

'  Du,  Yustav !' 

'Chaw.' 

'  Kaun  you  schliep,  you  ?' 

'Haw!' 

'  Kaun  you  schliep  ?' 

'  Op,  I  schliep  kaun  1" 

'Yaw.' 

'  Naw  ?' 

Or  the  talk  might  turn  something  like  this : 

'  Du,  Yustav !' 

'Chaw.' 


"It  was  about  the  fifty-ninth  time  that 
'  Du,  Yustav '  had  been  begun,  when  sudden- 
ly the  head  of  a  thin-faced  man,  with  small 
black  eyes  and  a  big  black  frown,  protruded 
from  the  curtains  of  a  birth  next  to  that  oc- 
cupied by  Fritz.  He  was  evidently  a  nerv- 
ous man,  and  it  was  also  evident  that  he  was 
wrought  up  to  the  highest  pitch. 

'You  dodgasted  Dutchman,'  he  cried, 
furiously,  '  who  in  the  name  of  ensanguined 
Hades  can  get  a  wink  of  sleep  with  that  in- 
fernal yaw-ing  and  naw-ing  dinging  in  one's 
ears?  It's  worse,  I  swear,  than  two  tabby- 
cats  on  a  house-top.  You've  kept  it  long 
enough.  Shut  up,  now,  both  of  you,  or  I'S 
build  a  head  on  you  as  big  as  Pike's  Peak.' 

,  "Murmurs  of  ap- 

proval of  this 
threat  came  from 
behind  several  cur- 
tains in  the  immed- 
iate vicinity.  For 
a  few  minutes  there 
was  quiet  But 
presently  Fritz's 
voice  was  heard 
again : 

'"Du  Yustav!' 
"'Chaw.' 
"'Votvas  it  dot 
feller  say  apout  der 
Bike's  Beak  ?" 
"'Haw?', 
<"Vot  dot  feller 
der  Bike's  Beak 
apout  say?' 

"' Op  I  know  dei* 
Pike's  apout?' 
"'Yaw.' 
"'Naw.' 

"'N ' 

"At  this  instant 
the  curtains  of  the 
nervous  man's 
berth  flew  wide 
apart,  and  the  ner- 
vous man  sprang 
out  upon  the  floor. 
He  stepped  up  to 
Fritz's  berth.  All 
the  fury  of  his 
manner  had  dis- 
appeared, and  had  been  replaced  by  a 
sort  of  calm,  cool,  determined  deliberation. 
There  was  a  glitter,  though,  in  his  eyes 
which  was  not  pleasant  to  look  at. 

"  '  See  here,  Mr.  Dutchman,'  he  said,  very 
slowly  and  quietly  ;  '  it's  a  question  of  either 
you  or  me  leaving  this  car,  If  this  thing 
were  kept  up  much  longer  there  would  be  a 
homicide  here  ;  that's  what's  the  matter. 
Either  you'd  pitch  out  of  the  window,  or  I 
would.  Now,  shall  I  murder  you,  or  will 
you  murder  me  ?  Which  is  it  to  be  ?' 

"After  some  little  argument  between  Fritz 
and  the  nervous  man,  the  affair  came  to  an 
end  something  in  this  wise : 

' ' '  Shall  we  stay  here  to  be  murdered  in 
der  gombany's  gar?" 


86 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


'Op  we  here  stay  shall  und  murtered  be?' 
'Yaw.' 
'Naw.' 
' '  Den  we  stay  up  und  go  smoke  a  piper?' 

"Yaw.' 

"Yaw.1 

'A  few  minutes  later,  followed  by  wither- 
ing looks  from  the  nervous  man,  the  two 
Germans  were  heavily  plodding  their  way 
toward  the  smoking-car. 

"For  a  time  there  was  peace  and  quietude 
in  the  sleeper.  The  car-lights  burned  with  a 
dim  and  yellow  light  as  the  train  rushed 
through  the  darkness  with  a  gentle  swaying 
motion.  Scarcely  twenty  minutes  had  elaps- 
ed from  the  time  of  the  Germans'  departure 
when  suddenly  a  loud,  piercing  shriek  rang 
through  the  car.  In  an  instant  curtains  were 
dashed  aside  to  make  way  for  sleepy-looking 
heads ;  all  the  attaches  of  the  car  who  were 
on  duty  came  running  forward,  and  the 
voice  of  the  nervous  man  was  heard  in  angry 
protest : 

'"In  the  name  of  a  thousand  furies,' he 
cried,  '  what's  the  matter  now?  Has  the  en- 
gine burst  her  boiler  or  is  it  somebody  that?' 
cut  one  of  those  infernal  Dutchman's  throats 
All  this  car  needs  is  a  throttle- valve  and  a 
stretch  of  river  to  turn  it  into  a  first-class 
calliope.' 

"  In  the  meantime  the  initial  scream  had 
been  repeated  several  times  with  added  ener- 
gy and  strength.  The  screams  came  from 
berth  10,  from  which  could  be  seen  protrud- 
ing a  pair  of  legs  and  the  coat-tails  or  a  stout 
man.  The  colored  porter  seized  these  coat- 
tails  and  asked  their  owner  what  the  matter 
was.  In  reply  there  came  a  smothered  voice 
exclaiming : 

'"There's  a  devil  in  my  berth  and  she's 
got  me  by  the  ears.' 

This  remark  was  supplemented  by  another 
shrill  scream  and  an  equally  shrill  voice, 
which  cried  put : 

"'Take  him  away,  take  him  away!  the 
villain,  the  scoundrel !' 

"The  porter  squeezed  his  head  into  the 
berth  and  a  moment  later  was  heard  saying : 

"'Perhaps  if  you  stopped  screaming, 
ma'am,  and  let  go  of  the  gentleman's  ears,  he 
may  be  able  to  get  himself  out.' 

'"Oh,  the  rascal!  the  villain !'  cried  the 
shrill  female  voice,  there." 

"  At  this  moment  there  was  an  exclaimation 
of  agony  from  the  owner  of  the  legs,  as  if  his 
ears  had  been  violently  wrenched,  followed 
by  an  agitation  of  the  coat-tails.  The  next 
instant  a  bald  head  and  a  very  red  face  were 
withdrawn  from  the  berth.  Glancing  into 
the  vacancy  just  made,  we  all  perceived  an 
elderly  lady,  thin  and  grim-looking,  and  with 
her  hair  done  up  in  crimps,  sitting  half  up- 
right in  the  berth.  Beside  her  lay  another 
female  form. 

' '  Hastily  throwing  a  shawl  over  her  head 
and  about  her  scraggy  shoulders,  the  old 
dame  just  opened  on  Mr.  Baldhead  for  all  she 
was  worth.  She  called  him  a  '  mean,  coward- 
ly villain,  a  shameless  old  scamp,  who  insult- 


ed unprotected  women.'  She  said  that  he 
ought  to  be  lynched,  and  would  be  '  if  there 
were  any  men  around.'  At  last  she  was 
calmed  down  a  bit  and  her  story  was  got  out 
of  her.  She  was  occupying  the  berth  with 
her  servant-girl.  She  had  been  awakened  by 
some  one  trying  to  get  into  the  berth.  She 
had  at  once  seized  the  intruder  by  the  ears 
and  had  called  for  assistance. 

"'And  very  effectually  you  did  it,  too, 
madam,'  remarked  the  nervous  man.  '  Con- 
sidering the  disturbance  that  has  been  made, 
I  don't  Know  but  what  ye're  right  in  that 
there  remark  as  to  there  being  a  call  for  a 
case  of  lynching  in  this  car.' 

"  The  bald-headed  man  protested.  He  told 
his  story.  He  had  engaged  a  berth,  which 
he  was  to  occupy  with  his  nephew.  The  lat- 
ter had  left  him  some  tune  before  to  go  to 
their  berth,  as  he  thought.  He  had  just  fin- 
ished reading  his  book  in  the  parlor-car  and 
had  come  in  to  go  to  bed.  He  thought  he 
recognized  this  berth  as  his,  and  in  the  semi- 
darkness  it  was  impossible  to  distinguish  the 
figure  in  the  berth  from  that  of  his  nephew. 
Just  as  he  had  put  his  head  in  he  had  been 
seized  by  the  ears  and  the  screaming  had  be- 
gun. He  really  thought  that  the  devil  had 
taken  possession  of  him.  Such  a  vicious  and 
unreasonable  wretch  of  a  woman  it  had  never 
been  his  misfortune  to  come  across  before ! 
And  the  old  gentleman  put  his  hand  feelingly 
to  his  outraged  ears. 

"  What  was  the  number  of  the  gentleman's 
berth?  Number  14.  Oh,  yes,  that  was  two 
berths  futher  up.  And  the  porter  took  the 
old  gentleman  in  hand  and  showed  him  the 
way.  His  nephew  was  not  yet  in  bed?  No: 
he  had  been  in  the  car  a  few  minutes  before, 
and  had  remarked  that  he  would  join  some 
gentlemen  in  a  game  of  cards  in  the  smoker. 

With  an  angry  glance  toward  berth  No  10, 
the  old  gentleman  clambered  into  bed. 

"  It  seemed  that  the  elderly  lady  had  some 
difficulty  in  getting  to  sleep,  after  the  excite- 
ment. Anyway,  in  less  than  half  an  hour 
after  her  encounter  with  the  elderly  gentle- 
man, she  was  seen  to  emerge  from  her  berth 
and  go  f  arward,  presumably  bent  on  a  visit  to 
the  ice  water  tank.  Before  starting  out,  she 
loosely  pinned  a  pocket-handkerchief  with  a 
violet  border  to  the  curtains  of  her  berth,  so 
that  she  should  have  no  difficulty  in  recogniz- 
ing her  resting-place  on  her  return.  Hardly 
was  her  back  turned  when  the  two  Germans, 
Gustav  and  Fritz,  came  blundering  back  to 
their  beds.  In  passing  number  10,  Fritz 
clumsily  knocked  against  the  handkerchief, 
brushing  it  away  with  his  shoulder.  It 
dropped  on  his  arm,  and  after  having  been 
carried  a  few  steps  by  him.  fell  to  the  ground. 
In  so  doing  it  attracted  Gustav's  attention. 
He  pointed  to  it,  and  Fritz  picked  it  up  and 
saw-  the  pin  sticking  in  it. 

"  '  Where  it  belongs?'  he  asked  of  €U»tav. 

"'Where  belongs  it?' 

"Yaw.' 

" 'Daw,' replied  Gustav,  pointing  sleepily 
to  the  curtains  opposite  which  it  had  fallen.. 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


87 


' '  In  another  instant  Fritz  had  pinned  the 
handkerchief  with  the  violet  border  to  the 
curtains  of  number  14. 

"  Five  minutes  later  the  elderly  lady  re- 
appeared. She  stopped  in  front  of  where  the 
violet  bordered  handkerchief  hung.  She 
parted  the  curtains  and  with  a  chilly  shiver 
crawled  hastily  into  the  berth, 

' '  Fully  twenty -five  minutes  must  have 
elapsed  after  the  Germans  had  sought  their 
respective  berths,  when  from  number  14 
there  came  an  unearthly,  blood-curdling 
shriek,  followed  by  angry  exclaimations  in  a 
deep  bass.  Again  the  car  attaches  rushed 
forward,  again  affrightened  and  sleepy  heads 
appeared  from  behind  curtains,  again  was 
the  voice  of  the  nervous  man  to  be  heard  up- 
raised in  a  flowing  and  prolonged  outburst  of 
profanity.  The  curtains  of  number  14  were 
torn  apart  by  the  porter,  and  the  elderly  lady 
and  the  bald-headed  man  were  found  strug- 
gling desperately  in  each  other's  arms.  With 
some  difficulty  they  were  torn  apart  and  as- 
sisted from  the  berth.  The  elderly  lady  was 
speechless  with  rage,  the  bald-headed  man 
was  almost  equally  angry.  He  managed  to 
get  the  floor  first. 

"  '  I  think  I  am  in  my  own  berth  this  time,' 
he  cried ;  '  I  have  not  moved  from  it  since  I 
got  in.  This  is  a  conspiracy,  I  say.  I  shall 
sue  this  company  for  loss  of  character. ' 

"'What?'  screamed  the  elderly  lady. 
'  This  your  berth,  you  old  villain?  Where  is 
the  girl?  Where  are  you.  Mary  Jane?' 

' '  Here,  «if  you  please,  ma'am, '  answered 
the  girl,  her  head  protruding  from  the  cur- 
tains of  number  10, 

' ' '  What  are  you  doing  in  that  berth,  you 
hussy?' 

' '  ''Please,  ma'am,  this  is  our  berth.  I  have 
not  stirred  from  it  since  we  went  to  sleep. ' 

"  'Sure  enough,'  put  in  the  porter,  with  a 
broad  grin,  'that's  your  berth,  ma'am,  and 
this  'ere  berth  belongs  to  this  gentleman. ' 

• '  '  My  berth — his  berth — in  the  berth  with 
a  man  —Mary  Jane — Oh !  oh !  oh  !— 

• '  And  the  elderly  lady  was  in  hysterics. 

"  '  I  shall  sue  this  company !'  repeated  the 
bald-headed  man,  with  austerity. 

' 'Sue  this  company?  Sue  this  company, 
is  it?'  howled  the  nervous  man,  with  dilating 
eyeballs.  '  Well,  I  should  smile  if  we  wouldn't. 
Call  this  dodgasted  den  a  sleeping-car,  do 
they  ?  All  that's  needed  here  is  a  pinch  of 
brimstone  and  a  pitchfork  to  convert  it  into 
first-class  Inferno?' 

"The  lull  of  silence  which  followed  the 
nervous  man's  stormy  anger  was  broken  by 
two  voices  from  the  upper  berths : 

' ' '  Du,  Yustav,  kaun  you  schliep  you  mit 
«ill  dot  noise?' 

'•  'Op  I  mit  all  dot  noise  schliep  kaun?' 

"'Yaw?' 

"  'JXaw!'" 


SHE  gave  me  her  precious  bathing  breeches, 
Dear  little  things  without  any  pocket, 

j.  promised  to  treasure  their  sweet  sacred  stitches 
Shut  tight  in  the  back  of  a  pretty  goM  locket. 


The  usual    good  Time. 

"  Did  you  have  a  good  time  at  the  picnic, 
Libbie?" 

"Oh,  elegant /" 

"  What  'd  you  do?" 

"Oh,  everything" 

"But  what?" 

"Well,  we  swung  in  hammocks,  and  had  a 
lovelv  time." 

"What  else?" 

"Oh,  we  swung  in  swings,  and  Mr.  Lilly- 
bud  swung  me  ever  so  high.  We  had  a  love- 
ly time?" 

"  Do  anything  else?" 

"Oh,  yes;  lots  of  things — waded  in  the 
brook  in  our  bare  feet.  Just  think !  Oh,  it 
was  awfully  awful  jolly !" 

"What  else?" 

' '  OH,  we  played  tennis  and  had  a  splendid 
time." 

"That  all?" 

' '  Oh,  we  got  bushels  of  daises.  It  was 
lovely !  We  strung  them  all  around  our  hats 
and  all  the  boys  put  them  in  their  button- 
holes. Oh.  it  was  jolly  fun !" 

"  Do  anything  else?" 

"Oh,  no — we  flirted  fearfully!  I  never 
had  so  much  fun.  You  really  ought  to  have 
gone !" 

"  Do  anything  else?" 

' '  Oh,  yes — everything  you  can  thing  of  to 
have  a  jolly  good  time.  It  was  just  perfectly 
splendid !" 

"Glad  I  did  n't  go,"  said  Miss  Kittie  as  she 
walked  awav,  "same  old  thing  over  again. " 


Even  Up. 

Husband  :  I'll  retract  that  remark  I  made 
this  morning  about  feminine  curiosity  f 

Wife  :  And  are  n't  women  in  every  way 
more  curious  than  men  ?" 

Husband  :  No  ;  I  saw  something  that 
changed  my  mind  to-day.  On  my  way  down 
town  I  saw  a  man  standing  on  the  corner  ap- 
parently trying  to  decipher  the  letters  on  a 
small  sign  near  the  roof  of  a  high  building. 
Every  man  that  passed  the  spot  stopped  to 
gratify  his  curiosity  about  what  the  first  man 
saw  to  gaze  at  so  steadfastly.  Soon  the  side- 
walk was  blocked  but  there  was  not  a  wom- 
an in  the  crowd. 

Wife  :    No  ? 

Husband  :  No.  They  stopped  on  the  op- 
posite corner  ;  it  was  nearer. 


He  Didn't  Miss  Her. 

Mr.  Smith  :  You  feel  the  loss  of  your  wife 
as  keenly  as  you  did  three  months  ago,  do 
you  not,  Brother  Jones  ? 

Brother  Jones  (a  widower)  :  The  truth  is, 
Brother  Smith,  I  do  not.  I  missed  her  for  a 
month,  but,  since  I  have  been  putting  a  piece 
of  zinc  in  my  bed  every  night,  everything  ap- 
pears as  real  as  if  my  poor  wife  was  lying 
with  her  feet  against  the  small  of  my  back.— 
Arcola  Record. 


88 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


A  Miik  Shake. 


McCullough's  Marriage  Bargain, 

To  show  the  sort  of  standing  McCullough 
was  in  with  our  best  society,  I  will  mention 
a  little  incident  about  him  which  I  don't 
think  has  ever  been  made  public  before.  At 
a  dinner  party  at  one  of  the  then  leading 
families  he  and  one  of  the  belles  of  the  day 
were  among  the  guests  with  others.  During 
dinner  Miss said  in  the  course  of  con- 
versation on  the  theatre  : 

"Mr.  McCullough  do  you  think  I  would 
make  a  good  actress  ?" 

"  Think  it  ?"  said  he,  in  his  positive  way  ; 
"  I  know  it." 

"Suppose  I  did  go  on  the  stage,  would  you 
act  with  me  ?" 

"Indeed,  I  would."  He  thought  for  a 
minute.  "  I'll  tell  you  what.  Suppose  we 
get  up  'A  morning  call.'  It's  a  two-part 
comedietta.  You  play  Mrs.  Chillington  and 
I  will  be  Sir  Edward  Ardent." 

"  Oh,  will  you  ?"  clapping  her  hands. 

"'Deed  I  will." 

"  But  where  shall  we  do  it  ?  At  the  Cali- 
fornia ?  I'm  afraid  I  shall  never  muster  up 
courage  for  that." 

"  Oh,  no.  We'll  try  it  here,  if  Mrs. 

will  allow  it,"  bowing  to  the  hostess,  "here  in 
the  parlor." 

"When  ?" 

"Just  as  soon  as  you  can  learn  your  part. 
I  only  make  one  condition.  You  must  be 
letter  perfect." 

"What's  that  ?" 

'*  Know  every  letter  of  it." 

"You  won't  back  out  ?" 


"I'm  afraid  it's  you  who  will  want  to  do 
that." 

"Will  I  ?  You  can  make  whatever  penalty 
you  like," 

McCullough's  eye  twinkled.  "All  right. 
You  must  marry  me  if  you  don't  play. " 

It  was  a  bold  venture,  but  the  belle  stood 
it. 

"Agreed,"  she  said.  "And  if  you  fail,  why 
— ahem —  '  She  paused,  for  the  first  time 
realizing  the  situation. 

"I'll  marry  you?"  exclaimed  McCullough, 
gallantly.  ' '  To-morrow  I  will  send  you  an 
acting  copy  of  the  play,  and  you  can  begin  to 
study  your  part  at  once. " 

But  the  play  never  came  off.  There  were 
a  few  rehearsals,  but  the  actual  performance, 
it  was  soon  seen,  would  have  to  be  postponed 

indefinitely.  Miss seemed  never  able 

to  get  "letter  perfect." 

He  got  it  to  his  Satisfaction. 

Among  the  passengers  on  a  Western  train, 
recently  was  a  woman  very  much  pverdress< 
ed,  accompanied  by  a  bright-looking  nurse^ 
girl  and  a  self-willed  tyrannical  boy  of  about 
three  years. 

The  boy  aroused  the  indignation  of  the  pas- 
sengers by  his  continual  shrieks  and  kicks 
and  screams  and  his  viciousness  toward  his 
patient  nurse.  He  tore  her  bonnet,  scratch- 
ed her  hands  and  finally  spat  in  her  face, 
without  a  word  of  remonstrance  from  the 
mother. 

Whenever  the  nurse  manifested  any  firm- 
ness the  mother  chided  her  sharply.  Finally 
the  mother  composed  herself  for  a  nap,  and 
about  the  time  the  boy  had  slapped  the  nurse 
for  the  fifth  time  a  wasp  came  sailing  in  and 
flew  on  the  window  of  the  nurse's  seat.  The 
boy  at  once  tried  to  catch  it. 

The  nurse  caught  his  hand  and  said  coax- 
ingly  : 

"Harry,  musn't  touch.     Bug  bite  Harry." 

Harry  screamed  savagely  and  began  to 
kick  and  pound  the  nurse. 

The  mother  without  opening  her  eyes  or 
lifting  her  head  cried  out  sharply  : 

"Why  do  you  tease  that  child  so,  Mary  ? 
Let  him  have  what  he  wants  at  once." 

"  But  ma'am,  it's  a — 

"  Let  him  have  it,  I  say." 

Thus  encouraged,  Harry  clutched  at  the 
wasp  and  caught  it.  The  scream  that  follow- 
ed it  brought  tears  of  joy  to  the  passengers' 
eyes. 

The  mother  awoke  again. 

"  Mary,"  she  cried,  "let  him  have  it !" 

Mary  turned  in  her  seat  and  said,  confused- 
ly: 

"  He's  got  it,  ma'am." 

He'd  Proved  It. 

Angelina — ' '  But,  Harold,  are  you  quite 
sure  you  can  support  me?" 

Harold— "Sure?  Why,  haven't  I  support- 
ed you  for  hours  nearly  every  evening  for 
months  past?" 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


89 


Mashed  both  Sides. 


^N  lrr"*  <¥;•-  v/s-rac—D  C^D  cr»  c_z;  * 


Survival  of  the  Fittest. 

In  going  out  of  Savannah  the  cars  were 
pretty  well  crowded,  but  a  drummer  for  a 
Philadelphia  house  had  preempted  two  whole 
seats  just  the  same,  and  was  taking  things 
mighty  cool.  Just  after  leaving  the  depot  he 
went  into  the  car  ahead  on  some  errand,  and 
he  had  no  sooner  disappeared  than  the  drum- 
mer for  a  New  York  house  took  the  vacated 
seats.  He  removed  all  the  baggage  to  the 
aisle  and  put  his  own  on  the  seat,  and  he  was 
reading  a  paper  when  the  Philadelphian  re- 
turned. 

' '  By  heavens !  but  you  are  a  cool  one !"  he 
gasped  as  he  took  in  the  situation. 

"  Thanks, "  replied  the  other,  as  he  lifted 
his  hat.  "Please  repeat  in  a  loud  voice,  so 
that  all  can  hear." 

"W-what  do  you  mean  ?" 

' '  Speak  of  the  coolness  of  the  thing  as  loud 
as  you  can.  It  will  be  a  big  ad.  for  me." 

"An  ad  ?" 

' '  Certainly.  I  represent  the  artificial  ice 
machines  of  Blank,  Blank  &  Co.,  and  you 
can  throw  me  $500  worth  of  advertising  and 
not  hurt  yourself  a  bit. " 

' '  I'll  see  you  and  your  machines  and  your 
ice  in first !"  exclaimed  the  Philadelph- 
ian, and  he  gathered  up  his  traps  and  took 
half  a  seat  and  sulked  for  the  next  fifty  miles. 


A  Popular  Courtesy  Ignored. 

' '  There  are  very  few  smokers  who  will 
hesitate  to  ask  an  utter  stranger  for  a  match, 
and  men  who  might  pass  each  other  on  the 
street  everyday  for  weeks  without  even  a 
nod  of  recognition,  will  exchange  '  lights  '  in  a 
smoking  car  without  the  slightest  restraint." 
So  spoke  a  young  man  to  a  group  of  friends 
the  other  day. 

"But,"  he  continued,  "  I  met  a  man  yes- 
terday on  the  cars  who  was  an  exception  to 
the  rule.  I  was  passing  through  the  smoker 
with  a  cigar  all  ready  to  light,  I  felt  in  my 
pocket  for  a  match.  He  gave  me  a  cold 
stare,  and  paid  no  attention  to  my  request." 

"Was  he  deaf  ?"  asked  one  of  the  crowd. 

"No,  he  was  handcuffed,  and  I  felt  like  a 
thief  when  I  discovered  it,  too,"  was  the  sad 
reply. 

An  Uncommon  Disease. 

' '  Here's  an  account  of  a  hen  which  layed 
three  eggs  at  once,  and  then  died,"  remarked 
Mrs.  Sumway. 

"From  over-eggsertion,  probably,"  com- 
mented her  husband. 


Two  Objects. 

Charming  Widow  :  And  what  are  you  do- 
ing now-a-days  ? 

He  ;  Oh,  amusing  myself  ;  looking  out  for 
number  one.  And  you  ? 

Widow  :    Looking  out  for  number  two. 


90 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


Ending  the  War. 

As  we  lay  facing  the  rebel  linos  around 
Petersburg  that  last  winter  of  the  war,  the 
men  in  the  rifle  pits  refrained  from  firing  at 
each  other,  except  when  ordered  to  do  so 
to  cover  some  new  movement.  One  night 
I  was  in  a  pit  about  half  a  mile  from  what  is 
known  as  the  "crater,"  and  I  soon  found 
that  there  was  a  ' '  Johnny  "  in  a  pit  facing 
me,  and  only  a  stone's  throw  away.  Every- 
thing was  quiet  in  that  neighborhood,  and  I 
had  been  in  the  pit  about  an  hour  when  he 
called  out : 

"  Say,  Yank,  what  about  this  hyar  wah  ?" 

'  'What  do  you  mean  ?" 

"When  are  you  'uns  gwyne  to  quit  ?" 

"When  you  are  licked  out  of  your  boots." 

"  Shoo  !  you  can't  do  it  in  a  hundred 
years." 

"  Well,  we  are  going  to  keep  trying." 

He  was  quiet  for  a  few  minute,  and  said  : 

"Say,  Yank,  this  is  an  awful  wah  ?" 

"Yes." 

'  Heaps  o'  good  men  being  killed." 
'  Yes  "' 

'  Heaps  o'  property  gwine  to  wreck." 
'Yes,* 

'  Does  you  uns  lay  it  to  me  ?" 
'Well,  you  are  helping  to  keep  the  war  go- 
ing." 

?'  And  I  hadn't  orter  ?" 

"  Of  course  not. 

"And  if  I  should  come  over  to  you  uns  it 
might  end  this  fussing  ?'' 

' 'It  would  help." 

"Wall,  seems  that  way  to  me.  TPears  to 
be  sort  o'  duty.  If  I  kin  stop  this  bloodshed 
an'  won't  do  it  then  I'm  onnery  mean,  hain't 
I?" 

"You  are." 

"  Hain't  got  no  true  speerit  in  me,  eh  ?" 

"No." 

"  Then  I  guess  I'll  come.  I'm  headin'  right 
fur  you,  and  do  you  be  keerful  that  your  gun 
don't  go  off." 

He  came  to  my  pit,  bringing  his  gun  along, 
and  as  I  passed  him  to  the  rear  he  said  : 

"  This  ends  the  wah  and  I'm  powerful  glad 
of  it.  Reckon  your  Gineral  Grant  will  be 
surprised  when  he  wakes  in  the  mawnin'  an' 
finds  the  rebellion  all  petered  out  and  me 
a-eating  Yankee  hard  tack  " 


Didn'tfFeel  that  Way. 

There  was  a  woman  about  midway  of  the 
car  who  was  dressed  in  widow's  weeds,  and 
her  mourning  looked  so  fresh  that  any  one 
could  argue  that  she  had  but  lately  laid  her 
husband  to  rest.  By  and  by  a  passenger, 
whose  white  choker  and  sleek  cut  proved  his 
profession,  felt  it  his  duty  to  go  over  to  her, 
a  Bible  in  his  hand,  and  as  he  sat  down  be- 
side her  he  said  : 

"  Madam,  I  see  you  have  met  with  a  loss  ?" 

"Have  I?"  she  replied  as  she  turned  on 
him. 

"Your  husband  has  been  laid  away?" 

"Yes." 


"I  trust  that  he  died  happy,  and  in  the 
faith  ?" 

"Well,  I  don't  believe.;  he  did.  He  wasn't 
one  of  that  kind." 

"Yes — ahem — yes,"  he  stammered,  greatly 

Eut  out  by  her  replies,  "  you  must  keenly 
?el  your  loss,  and  in  your  bereavement  you 
should  turn " 

"What  bereavement  ?"  she  demanded. 

"  The  death  of  your  husband." 

"See  here,  sir  !"  she  answered  as  she  turn- 
ed to  face  him,  "  my  husband  was  about  the 
meanest  and  most  contemptible  reptile  on 
earth.  I  li ved  with  him  for  five  years,  and 
he  made  a  hell  of  every  day.  Then  I  applied 
for  a  divorce  and  had  paia  the  lawyer  $50, 
when  the  sneak  up  and  died  and  left  me  free, 
but  out  of  docket.  I've  put  this  mourning 
on  to  go  and  see  his  mother  and  settle  some 
property  matters,  and  when  I  get  back  it  goes 
into  the  rag  bag.  Don't  talk  to  me  about  be- 
reavements.  I  don't  feel  that  way." 


Disgusted  "With  the  Men. 

The  dignified  girl  was  on  the  street-car  th» 
other  evening,  and  her  lower  lip  pouted  out 
as  if  she  were  at  odds  with  things  generally. 
"You  seem  out  of  sorts,"  said  her  companion 
stenographer,  "  what  is  the  matter?"  "Oh," 
replied  the  dignified  girl,  "  I  get  sick  of  men 
and  their  ways.  They  are  messy ;  they  sling 
paper  all  over  the  office  and  loll  about  on  the 
desks  and  chairs  in  such  undignified  attitudes. 
They  smoke  and  chew;  we  have  fourteen 
drummers  who  come  into  our  office  and  only 
one  of  the  fourteen  has  ever  had  the  courtesy 
to  ask  me  if  cigar  smoke  is  offensive  to  me. 
Then  they  are  silly ;  they  talk  such  nonsense- 
as  16  years  old  girls  wouldn't  be  guilty  of.  It 
is  all  about  neckties,  new  hats,  ballets,  good 
dinners,  and  so  on.  If  you  think  man  is  th© 
superior  animal,  you  just  spend  some  time  in 
a  business  office  with  assorted  sizes  of  him 
and  you  will  see.  I  am  begining  to  believe 
that  a  trashy  dime  novel  is  better  society 
than  the  averge  man  and  equally  improving," 


The  Road  to  a  Man's  Heart. 

A  girl  in  town  married  a  very  particular 
and  exciting  young  man  six  months  ago. 
Her  girl  friends  predicted  at  the  time  she 
would  fail  to  satisfy  him,  and  that  conse- 
quently they  would  not  live  together  six 
months.  That  period  having  elapsed  and 
their  being  no  evident  signs  of  any  separa- 
tion beeween  the  happy  pair,  the  girl  friends 
felt  called  upon  to  visit  the  young  wife  and 
ask  her  how  she  had  managed  to  please  the 
young  man  who  had  never  Deen  known  to  be 
pleased  before.  Mustering  all  their  impudence 
they  called  upon  her  in  a  body  and  asked  for 
her  secret.  ' '  What  is  the  recipe?"  they  asked. 
"  We  may  need  it." 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,"  she  replied,  "if  you'U 
never  tell.  Feed  the  brute. " 


NEW  YABNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


\)L 


What  a  Cigar  Did. 


A  lost  Opportunity. 

Six  men  of  us  had  come  out  of  the  mines  in 
Montana  to  take  a  train  for  the  East,  but  the 
train  we  intended  to  take  met  with  an  acci- 
dent and  was  several  hours  late.  The  station 
was  a  small  one,  the  weather  very  bad,  and 
after  a  while  one  of  the  party  went  to  the 
agent,  who  was  also  the  telegraph  operator, 
and  asked  how  long  before  we  might  expect 
the  train. 

"  Dunno,"  was  the  brief  reply. 

"You  don't?  Well,  then,  find  out!"  ex- 
claimed the  other. 

"  When  I  do  I'll  let  you  know." 

"Oh,  you  will,  eh?  Now,  then,  you  ask 
Rosenberg  if  the  train  has  left  there  yet." 

"I'll  be if  I  do!" 


One  man  out  with  his 
gun  and  was  going  to 
shoot,  but  two  or  three 
of  us  drew  him  away 
and  talked  to  him,  and 
finally  cooled  him  off. 
The  most  solid  argu- 
ment we  advanced  was 
that  if  he  killed  the  op- 
erator we  could  get  no 
news  of  the  train,  and 
would  be  even  worse  off 
than  we  were.  This 
argument  was  what  de- 
cided him,  and  five 
hours  later  the  train 
came  along  and  we  got 
aboard.  We  were  all 
seated  together  and  had 
got  a  fair  start  when 
someone  observed: 

"That  opertor  had  a 
narrow  escape." 

"  Yes,  I  meant  to- 
shoot  him,"  replied  the 
man  who  had  pulled  his 
gun,  ' '  but  these  gentle- 
men argued  that  in  case 
I  did  we  could  not  hear 
from  the  train  at  all." 

"Thunder!"  gasped  a 
third.  "Why,  I'm  an 
old  operator  myself, 
and  had  you  shot  him  I 
was  all  ready  to  locate 
that  train  in  five  min- 
utes." 

"Then  may  I  be  tee- 
totally  kicked  to  death 
by  jackass  rabbits !" 
groaned  the  would-be 
slayer,  and  he  leaned 
back  and  nursed  his 
disappointment,  an  d 
would  not  speak  to  any 
of  us  for  the  next  three 
hours. 


THERE  is  no  one  so 
sure  that  honesty  is  the 
best  policy  as  the  man 
who  is  in  jail  for  stealing.  And  the  man  who 
has  lost  his  good  money  can  readily  see  the 
wrong  of  gambling.  ' 


Two  mean  Men. 

A  man  of  a  very  selfish  turn  of  mind  was 
drinking  a  glass  of  beer  in  a  saloon,  when  a 
very  important  business  called  him  out  of  the 
locality  for  some  minutes.  To  save  his  half- 
emptied  glass  of  beer  against  intruders,  he 
put  a  piece  of  paper  under  it  with  the  follow- 
ing legend : 

r'  In  this  beer  I  have  spit !" 

Coming  back  our  hero  was  very  much  hor- 
rified to  read  the  postscription : 

"So  have  I!" 


Ill 


NEW  YARNS  A  ND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


A  Fanner's  First  Deposit. 

They  had  opened  a  bank  at  Medina,  the 
first  one  in  the  history  of  the  town,  and  one 
day  after  it  was  in  good  running  order, 
Farmer  Adams  hitched  his  horse  and  wagon 
in  front  of  the  building,  looked  to  see  if  the 
•crock  of  butter  and  basket  of  eggs  were  safe 
and  entered  the  building.  He  was  well  known 
to  all  of  the  officials,  and  each  had  a  word  for 
him  as  he  entered.  He  looked  around  him 
in  wonder,  and  then  addressed  himself  to  the 
President: 

"Wall,  Steve  Smith,  you've  gone  and 
opened  a  bank,  eh  ?" 

"Yes."' 

"  Git  a  reg'lar  charter  ?" 

"Oh,  yes." 

"  Got  things  so  that  robbers  can't  git  the 
money  ?'' 

"Yes." 

"Wall,  now,  look-a-here,  Steve,  I've  know- 
ed  you  a  long  time,  haven't  I  ?" 

"You  have,  Mr.  Adams." 

"Knowed  you  when  your  father  runoff 
and  left  the  family  as  hard  up  as  a  spring 
coon  with  a  broken  leg  ?" 

"Yes." 

' '  Knowed  you  when  you  growed  up  and 
married  Hannah  Taylor  ?" 

"Yes." 

"  How  is  Hanner  and  the  young  ones  ?" 

"Well,  thank  you." 

' '  That's  proper,  but  what  I  was  goin'  to 
say  was  that  I  guess  I'll  put  some  money  in 
your  bank — not  a  great  deal,  but  jist  'miff 
fur  a  nest  egg,  like." 

"We  shall  be  glad  to  number  you  with  our 
patrons." 

"Yaas,  but  look-a-here,  Steve,  I  don't  want 
no  foolin'  about  this  bizness.  When  I  want 
my  money  I  want  to  find  it  right  here," 

"Certainly." 

"And  I  want  to  find  you  here." 

"Of  course." 

"And  if  you  bust  up  the  bank  and  run  off 
with  the  cash,  as  some  of  'em  hev  done,  do 
you  know  what  I'll  do  ?  I'll  hitch  up  the  old 
mare  and  f oiler  you  to  the  end  of  the  airth, 
and  when  I  overhaul  you  I'll  give  you  the 
all  firedest  drubbing  any  man  on  this  globe 
ever  got." 

"You  need  have  no  fears,  Mr.  Adam." 

'  'Waal,  you  hear  me,  and  now  here  is  four 
dollars  to  begin  on.  It's  to  sort  o'  try  you, 
and,  if  everything  is  all  right,  I  may  put  in 
four  more  when  I  sell  that  steer.  That's  all, 
onless  you  bust  up  and  run  away. "— N.  Y.  Sun. 


A  Puzzle. 

She  was  a  fine  lady  who  tried  to  pose  as  a 
deep  thinker.  She  said : 

' '  Truely  the  world  is  very  strange !  People 
are  in  ecstacies  over  a  singer  or  magician, 
and  close  their  eyes  to  more  surprising  things. 
How  do  bakers  get  the  soft  part  of  bread  into 
crust!  I  have  long  pondered  over  it  and 
made  thorough  examination,  yet  I  have  nev- 
er been  able  to  divine  it." 


It  •was  a  Plot. 

A  stranger  entered  a  well-known  saloon  G.S 
Woodward  Avenue  the  other  day,  and  aftw 
imbibing  a  weak  drink  he  said  to  the  proprie- 
tor— 

' '  I  want  to  wait  here  a  few  minutes  for  g 
man  who  borrowed  some  money  of  me.' 

He  was  motioned  to  a  chair,  and  when  &n 
hour  had  passed  away  he  was  asked — 

"  Are  you  a  stranger  in  the  city?" 

"Yes,  sir." 

1 '  Did  you  lend  money  to  a  stranger  to 
you?" 

"I  did." 

"  How  much?" 

"Forty  dollars." 

"Humph!    Under  what  circumstances?" 

' '  Said  he  had  a  freight  bill  to  pay  and 
couldn't  get  into  the  bank.  He  gave  me  this 
check  for  200  dols.  to  hold  as  security.  Said 
he'd  meet  me  here  at  eleven  o'clock,' 

"  My  friend,  you  have  been  bamboozled." 

"No!" 

"  Yes,  you  have.  This  is  the  old  freight 
bill  dodge.  That  check  is  worthless,  and 
you'll  never  see  the  man  &gain." 

' '  But  I  can't  believe  that.  He  looked  hon- 
est  and  talked  straight." 

' '  So  they  all  do.  Sorry  for  you,  but  you 
must  read  the  papers." 

' '  Say !  I  don't  pretend  to  be  awfully  smart, 
but  I'll  bet  that  chap  was  honest." 

' '  You  will !    What'll  you  bet?" 

' '  Even  twenty.  I  do  honestly  believe  he 
will  come  here  by  11  o'clock  and  pay  the 
money." 

The  bet  was  taken,  the  money  put  up  and 
the  greenhorn  sat  down  to  wait.  At  five  min- 
utes of  eleven  a  man  came  in,  handed  him 
$40,  expressed  his  thanks,  and  took  the  check 
and  placed  it  in  his  wallet. 

"  I  told  you  he  was  honest,"  said  the  green- 
horn as  he  reached  for  the  stakes. 

They  were  handed  over  but  half  an  hour 
later,  after  much  serious  thought,  the  bar-ten- 
der suddenly  slapped  his  leg  and  exclaimed — 

"  I  see  through  it  now?  They  were  pals, 
of  course?" 


A  Poser   for  St.  Paul. 

While  hurrying  through  a  blinding  rain- 
storm a  Cleveland  young  man  saw  an  ine- 
briated individual  clinging  to  a  lamp-post  for 
dear  life. 

"  What  are  you  doing  in  the  rain?"  he  said, 
stopping  a  moment. 

"Tzwaitin1  fer  m'  house  to  go  by,"  an- 
swered the  old  soak. 

The  gentleman  kindly  took  him  by  the  arm 
and  escorted  him  home.  Once  inside  the  door 
he  turned  round  and  said : 

"  Shav,  misher,  whaz  ver  name?" 

"St.  Paul." 

"St.  Paul;  shas  so.  Shay,  misher  St.  Paul, 
did  y'  ever  git  an  answer  to  shat  epistle  yo«a 
wrote  to  the  Ephesians?" 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


An  Illustrated  Lunch 


•^ 


L— Bread. 


II.— Butter. 


III.— Sauce. 


Talking  Goods  up  in  a  clever 
Forcible  "Way. 

"  Never  lei/  a  customer  go  away 
without  making  a  purchase,"  said  Mr. 
Threads  to  a  newly -engaged  clerk. 
"Talk  the  goods  up  in  a  clever,  forci- 
ble way  and  you'll  be  certain  to  make 
a  sale  every  time." 

"All  right,"  replied  Feerless  Gall, 
the  new  clerk,  who  had  been  an  auc- 
tioneer for  a  year  out  West.  ''I  think 
I  know  just  what  you  mean,  sir,  and 
you  can  rely  upon  mfe-  I  know  the 
tricks  of  the  trade." 

Ten  minutes  later  he  was  going  on 
in  this  fashion  to  Mrs.  Marshalie  Neale, 
one  of  the  wealthiest  and  most  aristo- 
cratic patrons  of  the  house : 

"Damask  towels,  is  it,  madam? 
Well,  I  should  smile  !  If  you  can't  get 
damask  towels  here,  there's  no  place 
in  this  city  where  you  <  an  get  'em. 
Look  at  that  towel,  my  friend !  Doesn't 
it  fairly  warm  your  heart  to  look  at 
it,  eh  ?  And  just  glance  at  this  pair, 
marked  down  from  four  dollars  to  a 
dollar  and  ten  cents.  Doesn't  it  fairly 
make  you  look  young  again  to  gaze  on 
a  bargain  like  that  ?  And  suppose 
you  just  concentrated  your  intellectual 
capacity  on  this  towel  for  a  second  ! 
A- ha  !  makes  you  fairly  held  your 
breath  to  gaze  on  it,  doesn't  it  ?  Did 
you  ever  see  anything  more  perfectly 
irresistible  since  you  were  born  in 
this  world  of  sin  and  sorrow  ?  Of 
course,  you  never  did.  Ob,  it's  a  cold 
day  when  this  firm  gets  left  on  damask 
towels  !  Look  at  this  one.  Look  at  it, 
woman,  it  won't  bite  you;  now,  tell 
me,  tell  me  if  you  ever  bought  a  towel 
like  that  for  less  than  two  dollars. 
Of  course,  you  didn't  I  You've  paid 
that  for  dish-towels,  and  thanked 
Heaven  for  the  privilege  of  doing  so, 
haven't  you  ?  Course  you  have,  sweet 
friend  of  my  childhood  days!"  Mr. 
Threads  happened  along  just  in  time 
to  ha^e  his  blood  curdled  by  this  last 
remark  and  also  in  time  to  assist  the 
gasping  and  livid  Mrs.  Marshalie 
Nealc  to  ner  carriage,  where  she  bade 
him  adieu  forever,  and.  C^D  minutes 
later  he  was  going  through  the  same 
jeremony  witn  Mr.  Fearless  Gall. 

How  He  got  it. 

''I  heard    yesterday,"    said    Mrs. 
Jinks,    "that    Featherton,    the    coal 
dealer,  has  acquired  a  fortune  of  fifty  • 
thousand  dollars." 

"Yes,"  said  Mr.  Jinks,  "and  it's 
about  time  he  got  it  too.  He's  been 
lying  in  weight  for  it  for  the  last  five 
years. " 

IT  is  not  the  use  of  money,  but  the- 
abuse  of  it,  that  makes  it  an  evil. 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


A  Standing  Explanation. 


FAT  LADY  (sternly)—"  Is  this  the  ladies'  cabin." 

USURPING  MALE — "  Tes'm." 

FAT  LADY  (angrily) — "  I  dont  see  why  the  men  should  mon- 
opolize all  the  seats  then !" 

USURPING  MALE  (politely) — "I  guess  it's  because  all  the 
standing  room  is  occupied,  mum." 


The  Mild-Looking  Stranger- 

It  is  always  well  to  be  courteous  to  every 
one,  for  one  may  thus  be  entertaining  an 
angel  unawares.  Though  it  was  by  no  means 
an  angel  the  character  the  New  York  "  Sun  " 
describes  below,  yet  he  was  about  as  unex- 
pected as  an  angel  : 

"  Ha  !    Caught  you  at  last,  have  I  !" 

"  The  tall,  powerful  man  who  uttered 
these  words  stood  in  the  center  of  a  group  at 
a  street  corner  in  a  far  western  town.  As  he 
spoke  he  brought  his  hand  down  heavily  on 
the  shoulder  of  a  mild  looking  stranger  who 
was  passing  by,  and  turned  him  half-way 
round. 

The  tall,  powerful  man  had  previously 
winked  at  the  bystanders. 

"You  don't  remember  me,  I  s'pose  ?"  he 
continued,  with  a  fierce  frown,  as  he  tigh- 
tened his  .clutch  on  the  stranger's  shoulder. 

"Why,  no;  I  can't  say  I  do,"  replied  the 
mild-looking  man,  looking  at  him  wonder- 
ingly. 

"You've  forgot  all  about  the  time  you 
leaned  out  of  a  car  of  a  train  jest  pullin'  out  of 
Cheyenne,  and  knocked  my  hat  off,  I 
reckon  !" 

"  I  certainly  don't  remember  anything  of 
the  kind,"  protested  the  bewildered  stran- 
ger. ' '  I  never  saw  you  before." 

"  Oh  yes,  you  did  !  You  may  have  forgot 
it,  but  I  haven't."  And  he  emphasized  the 
assertion  with  a  vigorous  shake.  "  I  haven't 
forgot  it,  an'  I've  said  a  thousand  times  since 
then  that  if  I  ever  met  you  ag'in  I'd  make 
you  apologize  or  fight." 

'Now  that  I  think  of  it,"  said  the  mild- 
looking  stranger,  stooping  to  pick  up  his  hat 
which  had  fallen  to  the  ground  during  the 
^baking  process,  ' '  it  seems  to  me  I  do  remem- 


ber something.  I  suppose  I  am  bo«  nd 
to  give  you  satisfaction  for  it.  Put  up 
your  dukes  !" 

His  bewildered  look  had  gone  by 
this  time.  Placing  himself  in  an  at- 
titude of  defense  he  danr- ed  about  the 
big  man  in  a  way  startlingly  sugges- 
tive of  previous  practice. 

"Before. I  mop  the  sidewalk  with 
you,"  said  the  other,  "I  want  to  be 
sure  I  ain't  mistaken.  Your  name  is 
— isSnaggs,  ain't  it  I" 

"Snaggs,"  replied  the  stranger 
planting  a  blow  on  his  antagonist's 
jaw;  "  certainly  !  Snaggs  will  do  as 
well  as  anything  else  Snaggs  it  is  !" 

' '  But  hold  on  !  I  want  to  be  dead 
sure!  The  man  I'm  looking  for  is 
Jerusalem  Snaggs!" 

"You've  found  him,  my  friend," 
exclaimed  the  stranger,  as  he  banged 
him  on  the  nose.  "I'm  Jerusalem 
Snaggs  !"  he  continued,  making  a  feint 
with  his  left  and  administering  a 
vicious  upper  cut  with  his  right.  ' '  Oh 
yes,  I  ana  Snaggs  [biff]  from  [whack] 
Snaggs ville,  Snaggs  county  [bang], 
near  the  headwater,  of  Snaggs  creek ! 
Office  hours  from  1  to  24.  Come  early 
and  avoid  the  rush  !" 

With  a  final  blow  under  the  ear  he  laid  the 
burly  fellow  flat  on  the  ground. 
"  As  he  turned  to  go  he  said : 
"  My  name,  gentlemen  is  Jerusalem  Snaggs, 
of  course,   but  for  convenience  sake  I    go 
around  under  an  alias." 

And  he  took  from  his  vest  pocket  a  card 
and  threw  it  on  the  prostrate  body  of  the  big 
man.  After  he  had  gone  away  somebody 
picked  it  up  and  read : 

D.  JEMPSEY, 
Professor  of  Scientific  Boxing. 

The  "Wrong  House. 

He  was  a  keen,  sharp-looking  young  man, 
and  he  said  to  the  lady  of  the  house  on  Second 
Avenue,  as  he  stood  in  the  hall : 

"Madam,  I  have  called  for  the  suit  of 
clothes  which  needs  brushing  and  fixing." 

'  What  suit?"  she  asked. 

'  Your  husband's  Sunday  suit,  ma'am.    He 
called  as  he  went  down  this  morning. " 

•  And  he  said  I  was  to  let  you  have  them?" 

'Yes'm." 

'  Did  he  appear  in  good  health  and  spirit?" 

'Why,  certainly." 

'  Look  and  act  natural?" 
Of  course.    Why  do  you  ask  1" 


and 


'  Because  he  has  been  dead  eighteen  years^ 
i  I  have  some  curiosity  on  the  subiect." 


"I— I  have  made  a  mistake,  perhaps?" 
stammered  the  young  man. 

"  Perhaps  you  have.  The  man  you  saw  go 
out  of  here  an  hour  ago  is  my  brother.  Good 
morning. " 

SMOOTH  water  is  not  necessarily  deep.  It 
may  be  a  stagnant  pond.—  Chicago  Ledger. 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


95 


Accommodations  of  Travel. 


N.  T.  &  N.  H.  K.  R.  BBAKEMAN— "All  out  for  Eye ! " 
Mr.  OSSENESSEN.— "  Say,  young  feller,  how  far  we  hef  to  go  to  eed 
Kheinwine? " 

How  Romulus  White  was  Deceived. 

"Human,  natur'  is  powerfully  deceptive, 
ain't  she?"  remarked  the  old  man  to  the  N. 
Y.  Sun  reporter,  after  we  had  been  silent  for 
some  time. 

"Sometimes." 

"You  bet  she  is.  I'm  a-living  in  the  village 

of  B ,  forty  miles  down  the  road.  I've 

got  a  gal  named  Mollie.  She's  about  as  dandy 
a  country  gal  as  you'll  find  in  the  State. 
Last  winter  a  stranger  struck  the  town,  and 
at  once  fell  in  love  with  Mollie.  I  didn't  like 
nis  looks,  and  I  said  to  the  gal: 

' '  Mollie,  beware  of  that  chap.  I  kin  read 
him  like  a  book,  and  I  tell  you  he  han't  hon- 
est nor  honorable.  I'll  bet  a  wheat  stake 
to  a  pumpkin  that  he's  a  sharper.' 

"The  gal  differed  with  me,  and  about  a 
month  ago  they  were  married. " 

"And  how  did  the  husband  turn  out  ?" 

"Mighty  honorable  sort  of  a  man.  They 
had  been  married  three  days  when  along 
came  a  woman  from  Dunkirk  and  claimed  him, 
and  showed  a  certificate.  I  expected  he 
would  deny  her,  but  he  didn't.  Owned  up 
like  a  little  man.  She  was  still  there  when 
a  second  one  came  on  from  Oswego.  Looked 
bilious  for  my  new  son-in-law,  and  I 
looked  to  see  him  flunk,  but  he  didn't.  Jist 
acknowledged  the  corn  and  said  he  was  will- 
ing to  do  the  fair  thing." 


"And  how  did  it  end?" 
"  They  had  him  arrest- 
ed for  bigamy ;  they 
wanted  us  to  go  agin  him, 
too,  but  when  I  men- 
tioned it  to  him  he  said : 

"  'Father  don't  do  it. 
Here's  my  watch  and  $60, 
and  they  are  yours  if  you 
don't." 

"And  you  didn't  ?" 
1  'No.  He  was  a-tryin'  to 
do  the  squar'  thing,  and 
when  a  man  tries  to  do 
the  squar'  thing  by  Eom- 
ulus  White  I  can't  go 
back  on  him.  I  gin  the 
gal  the  money  and  I  kept 
the  watch,  and  I  guess  we 
couldn't  have  done  bet- 
ter."   

"Was  it  Love  or  Law. 

The  other  night,  said 
Eli  Perkins,  I  met  a 
young  law  student  at  a 
party.  He  was  dancing 
with  Miss  Johnson.  "I 
have  an  engagement  to 
dance  the  'Flying  Galop  • 
with  Miss  Johnson,"  I  re- 
marked— "number  ten." 

"You  have  an  engage- 
ment ?  You  mean  you 
have  retained  her  for  a 
dance." 

"She  has  contracted  to 
dance  with  me,"  I  said. 
"But  contracts  where  no  earnest  money 
is  paid  are  null  and  void.     You  must  vacate 
the  premises. " 

"  But  will  you  please  give  me  half  a  dance? 
I  ask  the  courtesy. " 

"Why yes,  Mr.  Perkins,"  he  said,  "take 
her;"  but  recollecting  his  legal  knowledge, 
he  caught  hold  of  my  coat-sleev«,  and  added 
this  casual  remark : 

"I  give  and  bequeath  to  you,  Mr.  Eli  Per- 
kins, to  have  and  to  hold  in  trust,  one-half  of 
my  right,  title,  and  claim,  and  my  advant- 
age, in  a  dance  known  as  the  'Flying  Galop,' 
with  Amelia  Johnson,  with  all  her  hair,  pan- 
iers,  Grecian  bend,  rings,  fans,  pelts,  hair- 
pins, smelling  bottles,  and  straps,  with  all 
the  right  and  advantage  therein,  with  full 
power  to  have,  hold,  encircle,  whirl,  toss, 
wriggle,  push,  jam,  squeeze,  or  otherwise 
use — except  to  smash,  break,  or  otherwise 
damage — and  with  right  to  temporarily  con- 
vey the  said  Amelia  Johnson,  her  hairs,  rings, 
paniers,  straps,  and  other  objects  heretofore 
or  hereinafter  mentioned,  after  such  whirl, 
squeeze,  wriggle,  jam,  etc.,  to  her  natural 
parents,  now  living,  and  without  regard  to 
any  deed  or  deeds  or  instruments  of 
whatever  kind  or  nature  whatsoever  to 
the  contrary  in  any  wise  notwithstand- 
ing." 


96 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


A  Disappointment. 


DUMLET— "  And  how  much  are  kisses  to  day  my 
dear? " 

Miss  PERT— "Ten  cents  apiece— at  the  next 
counter." 

(Dumley  looks,  and  concludes  not  to  purchase.) 


An  awful  lot  of  Practice- 

Chauncey  Depew  spoke  one  evening  during 
the  last  campaign  at  a  town  in  the  interior 
of  this  State,  says  the  New  York  "  Tribune," 
which  it  is  not  necessary  to  name.  The  next 
morning  the  chairman  of  the  local  committee 
took  him  in  his  carriage  for  a  ride  about  the 
place.  They  had  reached  the  suburbs  and 
were  admiring  a  bit  of  scenery  when  a  man 
wearing  a  blue  shirt  and  carrying  along  whip 
on  his  shoulder  approached  from  where  he 
had  been  piloting  an  ox-team  along  the  middle 
of  the  street  and  said : 

"You're  the  man  that  made  the  rattlin' 
speech  up  at  the  hall  last  night,  I  guess  ?" 

Mr.  Depew  modestly  admitted  that  he  had 
indulged  in  some  talk  at  the  time  and  place 
specified. 

"  Didn't  you  have  what  you  said  writ  out  ?" 
went  on  the  man. 

"  No,"  replied  the  orator. 

"  You  don't  mean  to  say  you  made  that  all 
right  up  as  you  went  along  ? " 

"Yes." 

"Jess  hopped  right  up  there,  took  a  drink 
o'  water  out  of  the  pitcher,  hit  the  table  a 
whack  and  waded  in  without  no  thinkin'  nor 
nothing  ?" 

"  Well,  I  suppose  you  might  put  it  that 
way." 

"Well,  that  beats  me.  You'll  excuse  me 
for  stoppin'  you,  but  what  I  wanted  to  say 
was  that  your  speech  convinced  me  though 
I  knowed  all  the  time  it  was  the  peskiest  lie 


that  was  ever  told.  I  made  up  mind  to  vote 
your  ticket,  but  I'd  'a'  been  willin'  to  bet  a 
peck  o'  red  apples  that  no  man  could  stand 
up  and  tell  such  blamed  convincin'  lies  with- 
out having  'em  writ  out.  You  must  'a'  had 
an  awful  lot  of  practice. " 


Somewhat  too  "Witty. 

It's  a  great  thing  to  be  ready-witted,  says 
the  "  Chicago  Mail."  We  saw  an  instance  of 
it  the  other  day.  Over  at  the  Union  Depot, 
in  Canal  Street,  they  have  an  ' '  information 
bureau,"  and  a  neat  sign  over  the  open  win- 
dow announces  the  fact.  It's  a  very  clever 
idea,  since  a  great  many  people  frequently, 
want  to  know  something  about  the  town  or 
about  trains,  but  it  is  the  only  one  in  town 
and  it  strikes  so  sophisticated  folks  as  very 
queer. 

I  saw  a  very  flip  young  fellow  look  at  the 
sign  the  other  day  and  smile.  Then  he  went 
up  to  the  window  and  I  knew  he  was  going  to 
try  to  be  funny  at  the  bureau  man's  expense. 
I  edged  up  carelessly  and  heard  him  ask  : 

"  What  kind  you  got  !" 

"Kind  o'  what!"  asked  the  information 
man. 

"  Kind  of  information,"  said  the  flip  young 
man. 

The  bureau  man  ' '  tumbled  "  in  a  second. 
He  saw  he  had  run  against  a  joker,  but  he 
didn't  show  it  in  his  manner.  He  just  said 
in  a  business-like  tone  and  a  perfectly  straight 
face: 

All  kinds." 

Does  it  come  with  or  without !" 

'  Both  ways.     Which'll  you  have  it  !" 

'  Got  any  cut  bias  ?" 

'  Plenty,  and  strips  down  the  side." 

'  Is  it  red,  white  and  blue  !" 

'It  is,  and  shot  with  stars;  also  fringed. 
How  much '11  you  have  !" 

The  humorist  seemed  to  be  disappointed  in 
some  way,  for  he  mumbled  something  and 
sneaked  away,  looking  as  crushed  as  a  banana- 
peel  under  a  200  pound  man's  boot.  I  asked 
the  man  at  the  window  if  he  had  many  cus- 
tomers of  this  kind.  He  laughed  and  said 
that  the  traveling  men  usually  had  fun  with 
him  when  they  had  time. 

An     American'*    Adventure  in  Paris. 

He  climbed  into  an  omnibus.  Opposite 
him  sat  a  lady  that  in  the  half  gloom  he 
judged,  through  her  veil,  to  be  young  and 
handsome. 

"Why  do  you  wear  that  veil?"  he  asked 
after  he  had  succeeded  in  getting  conversa- 
tion with  her. 

'  To  protect  me  from  the  stares  of  men. " 
'  But  to  gaze  upon  beauty  is  our  greatest 
delight." 

'  rio  long  as  a  man  is  not  married." 
1  Well,  I  am  unmarried,"  said  he. 
'Truly?"  said  she  throwing  back  her  veil 
and — it  was  his  mother-in-law !    His  recovery 
is  doubtful. 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUXSY  JOKbS. 


97 


What  a  Key  Chain  Did. 


1.—"  I  Guess  the  governor  won't  hear  me  coming  in." 


Feline  Sagacity. 

"Bridget,  has  Johnny  come  home  from 
school  yet  ?" 

'Yis,  sorr." 

'  Have  you  seen  him  ?" 

'  No,  sorr." 

'  Then  how  do  you  know  he's  home  ?" 

' '  Cause  the  cat's  hidin'  under  the  stove, 
sorr." 


2 -But  just  as  young  Staylate  puts  his  key  in  the 

lock  the  door  opens  from  inside. 


AN  exchange  of  courtesies  is  usually  an  at- 
tempt by  two  men  to  get  something  for  noth- 
ing. 


Phew !    and  Far  Beiween, 

After  Mr.  Tooter  Bareatone  had  sung  '  'The 
Harp  That  Tears  Through  Overalls,"  Mr. 
Celluloid  Dickey  asked  of  the  interlocutor  : 

"William,  can  you  tell  me  why  angels'  vis- 
its are  like  Chicago  sewers  ?" 

"I  don't  know,  Richard,"  replied  the  inter- 
locutor, in  his  rich  bass  voice  ;  "why  are 
angels'  visits  like  Chicago  sewers  ?" 

"Because,  sir,"  said  the  comedian,  with  a 
mighty  effort,  ' '  they  are  phew  !  and  far  be- 
tween." 

Then,  while  a  solemn  hush  fell  upon  the 
audience,  the  interlocutor  announced  that 
Mr.  Laring  Greetis  would  sing  ' '  Down  where 
the  Sandwich  Blooms." — America. 

THE  world  turns  over  and  keeps  everything 
even.  The  coal  man  is  on  top  now,  but  soon 
he  will  have  to  bow  to  him  who  sells  ice. 


3. — "  Well,  younj*  man,  what  do  you  mean  by  com- 
ing home  at  one  o'clock,  eh  ?  " 


Fancy  and  Fact. 

An  Irishman,  waxing  eloquent  upon  the 
glories  of  the  old  country,  declared  that  a 
certain  nobleman's  palace,  not  far  from 
where  he  used  to  live,  had  "three  hundred 
and  twinty  five  winders,  one  winder  f or  ivery 
day  in  the  year." 

Another  man,  who  was  always  complaining 
of  the  hard  work  he  had  to  do,  broke  out  one 
day:  "  Well,  now,  I  wish  I  was  home  again 
in  my  father's  foine  old  castle." 

"Your  father's  foine  old  castle,  is  it?"  said 
one  of  his  companions.  "Sure it  was  a  foine 
old  castle  and  no  mistake.  Ye  could  stand 
on  the  roof  of  y  er  father's  castle,  put  yer  arm 
down  the  chimney  and  open  the  front  door." 

THE  street-car  horse  is  not  in  favor  of  rapid 
transit. 


;\7-:/r  YARNS  AND  FUXNI  JOKES. 


Broken  Ribs  were  Extra 

When  a  man  p>ts  siek  or  meets  with  an 
accident  in  a  Canadian  lumber  camp,  say  the 
Now  York  Snii.  ho  neither  expects  nor  re- 
ceives any  good  nursing.  If  he  is  patient, 
the  men  will  do  what  they  can;  but  if  he 
.-<lio\Ys  a  disposition  to  whine  he  is  not  con- 
sidered worth  any  extra  trouble.  At  camp 
'•!>''  two  or  three  winters  ago  a  man  named 
Peters  was  hurt  by  a  falling  tree— badly  hurt. 
The  camp  was  forty  miles  from  a  town  or 
doctor,  the  snow  three  feet  deep,  and  all  they 
could  do  was  to  rub  the  man  with  whiskey 
and  put  him  in  his  bunk.  While  no  bones 
were  broken,  it  seemed  certainly  that  he  was 
internally  injured  and  that  he  could  not  live 
beyond  a  day  or  two.  Business  was  driving, 
and  there  were  no  men  to  spare,  and,  after 
Peters  had  been  rubbed  down,  the  boss  said: 

% '  Now,  Peters,  you  understand  how  ii  is ; 
you'll  probably  die  ?" 

14  Yes." 

"  Probably  die  within  twenty-four  hours." 

"  Yes." 

' '  And  so,  you  see,  any  thing  extra  will  be  a 
dead  loss  to  me." 

"  I  see;  but  in  case  I  die  you'll  have  man- 
ners enough  to  knock  the  men  off  for  half  a 
day,  won't  you  ?  I  also  want  a  good,  square 
grave." 

' '  But,  Peters,  we  are  rushed,  and  to  do 
that  will  cost  me  $50  worth  of  time." 

"  How  much  will  you  give  me  not  to  die?" 

"  I'll  say  $35— that  is,  if  you'll  forego  a  fun- 
eral if  you  do  die. " 

i    "  That  looks  fair,"  said  Peters,  after  a  little 
thought,  "I'll  do  it.     Shake." 

They  shook,  and  Peters  set  his  teeth  hard 
and  determined  to  live.  His  only  medicines 
were  kerosene  oil,  whiskey  and  vinegar,  and 
his  only  delicacies  fat  pork  and  bean  soup ; 
but  in  three  weeks  he  was  out  and  at  work. 

"  Couldn't  you  make  it  $30  ?"  asked  the 
boss,  as  he  came  to  settle. 

"For  why  ?" 

' '  Because  if  you  had  died  I  should  have  had 
to  wrap  the  body  in  a  $3  blanket,  and  the 
boys  would  have  insisted  on  a  drink  all  around 
after  the  job." 

"Couldn't  possibly  think  of  it,"  replied 
Peters.  "  After  I  made  the  bargain  with  you 
I  found  three  broken  ribs,  and  I  had  to  splice 
and  grow  'em  extra. " 


She  Knew  Him. 

"  You  say  you  know  the  defendant  ?"  asked 
a  judge  of  a  woman  on  the  witness  stand  in 
an  Arkansas  court  room. 

"  Do  I  know  the  defendant  ?  Why,  Jedge, 
ye  make  me  larf." 

"  But  do  you  know  him  ?" 

"Do  I  know  'im?  Do  I  know  ole  Bill 
Jasper  ?  Lookee  here  Jedge,  I  shall  bust 
right  out  larfin'  if  ye  ask  me  that  again,  I 
reely  shell  !" 

' '  If  you  know  him  say  so. " 

"Say  so,  Jedge  ?  If  it  don't  fairly  tickle 
me  now,  to  think  you've  fetched  me  ten  miles 


an'  plunked  me  up  here  on  the  witness  stand 
to  arsk  me  if  I  know  ole  Bill  Jasper.' 

"  Then  you  know  him  ?" 

"Lands,  Jedge,  stop,  or  I  shall  larf  right 
in  cote.  Does  I  know  ole  Bill  ?  Hee,  hee, 
hee  !  Say,  Bill,  did  ye  ever  hear  tell  o'  me, 
ole  Nancy  Badger  1  If  ye  hev — 

"See  here,  woman,  this  has  to  end  right 
here.  If  you  know  William  Jasper,  say  so." 

'"William  I'  Hee,  hee,  hee  !  How  do  it 
sound  to  be  called  '  "William, '  Bill  ?  An'  does 
I  know  William  Jasper,  Esquire  ?  "Why 
Jedge,  an'  ladies  an'  gents  of  the  cote,  Bill 
Jasper's  father  an'  my  dad,  both  of  'em  dead 
an'  gone,  was  both  born  in  the  same  county 
and  Bill  and  me  was  born  in — 

"  Then  you  are  personally  acquainted  wi ,  • 
him  ?" 

' '  Pussonally  acquainted  with  Bill  2  Haw  :. 
haw  !  hee,  hee  !  Lawdy  !  if  this  aint  better'rr. 
airy  side  show  I  ever  went  to.  Say,  Bill,  is 
it  forty-nine  or  fifty  years  this  October' 
sence — " 

"  Address  your  remarks  to  the  court,  and 
not  to  the  defendant,  madam." 

"  Oh,  all  right.  Only  it  tickles  me  an'  Bill . 
so  to  have  to  be  sworn  to  our  '  pussonal  ac- 
quaintance' when  his  sister  Huddy  Jane  an" 
my  brothar  Cyrus  Alexander  was  married 
together,  forty  y  ears  ago,  and  my  old  man's 
cousin  Pennylope  an'  Bill's  half-brother  Jack 

"  The  court  cares  nothing  about  those  per- 
sons. Say  simply,  once  for  all,  if  you  know 
the  defendant." 

"There  you  go  ag'in  makin'  me  larf  !  1 
only  wish  I'd  a  cent  for  ev'ry  time  Bill's  et  to 
my  house  an'  I  Ve  et  to  his'n.  His  wife  an' 
me  was  gals  together,  an'  Bill  used  to  say  "- 

"That  will  do  madam.     The  witness  evi 


dently  knows  the  defendant . 
the  examination." 


Proceed  with 


Evolution  of  an  Idea. 

A  couple  of  old  saltb  met  after  a  long  ao- 
sence  and  the  following  animated  convers- 
ation ensued : 

"Well,  old  man,  how  are  you  getting  on  ?'* 
"  First  rate ;   I  have  taken  a  wife. " 
"A  very  sensible  idea." 
"Not  a  bit  of  it  ;  she's  a  regular  Tartar." 
"  Then  I'm  sorry  for  you,  mate." 
"  There's  no  need  ;  she  brought  me  a  largo 
vessel  as  her  marriage  portion." 

"Then  you  made  a  good  bargain,  after  all." 
"  Nothing  to  boast  of,  I  can  tell  you  ;   the 
ship  turned  out  a  worthless  old  tinder-box.'' 
' '  Then  I'm  sorry  I  spoke. " 
"Bah  !    You  can  speak  as  you  like  !   The 
old  tub  was  well  insured  and  went  down  on 
her  first  voyage." 

"  So  you  got  the  pull  there,  anyhow  ?" 
"Not  so  much,    mate;    I  only  got  5,000 
thalers  out  of  the  job  as  my  share." 
"That  was  too  bad." 

"Too  bad?  Nothing  of  the  sort  !  Wife 
was  on  board  and  went  down  with  the  rest." 
— Zeitgeist. 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKE  IS. 


99 


A  Question  of  Authority. 


NEIGHBOR— Roof  leaking  up  there  ?  " 

MB.  CASSIUS—"  Nope.    See  that  shot-gun  sticking  out  of  th'  scuttle  ?  " 
NEIGHBOR— "  Yep." 

MB.  CASSIUS — "  My  wife's  behind  it.    I  ventured  to  remark  this  morning 
•that  I  was  th'  head  of  th'  house,  an'  she's  kept  me  in  th'  position  ever  since." 


Cash  Talks. 

"Madam,"  he  said,  as  he  doffed  his  hat  to 
a  women  he  met  in  Clinton  place,  "  if  I  could 
be  so  bold  as " 

"  Take  care,  sir?"  she  cautioned  in  reply. 

"If  I  dared  suggest  to  you,  madam, 
that " 

"Be  careful,  sir,  how  you  suggest!" 

' '  If  you  would  permit  me  to  observe 
that " 

' '  Permit  nothing,  sir !  Who  are  you  and 
what  do  you  want?" 

"I  sell  this  soap,  ma'am— soap  which  is 
warranted  to  remove  paint  and  grease.  If  I 
might  be  allowed  to " 

"No,  sir!    Now,  what  do  you  want?" 

"  I  want  to  sell  you  a  cake  for  ten  cents, 
ma'am." 

' '  Well,  hore's  your  money  for  it.  Why  on 
earth  didn't  you  say  you  had  soap  to  sell?" 
Why  all  this  beating  about  the  bush?" 

"  I  beg  to  be  allowed  to " 

,  ' '  No,  sir  ?  If  it's  one  cake  for  ten  cents  you've 
got  your  money.  If  it's  two  for  fifteen  here's 
another  nickel.  And  now  do  you  go  on  about 
your  business.  I've  no  time  to  fool  away 
this  morning." 

THE  man  with  the  large  nose  is  not  neces- 
sarily a  humanitarian.  He  may  have  secured 
the  large  nose  by  calling  some  one  a  liar. 


Jake's  Diversion. 

'Dot  boy  Shake — dot 
boy  Shake!"  he  mourn- 
fully repeated,  as  a  friend 
asked  him  if  he  was  no 
longer  in  business  in  St. 
Louis. 

"Jake  is  your  son?" 
' '  Yes,    my    son ;    my 
idiot." 

"What  did  Jake  do  ?" 
"Veil,  I  goes  oop  to 
Chicago  to  see  mv  sister, 
who  vhas  dead.  Shake 
vhas  left  to  run  der  store. 
Peesness  was  a  leetle  off, 
und  Shake  plans  dot  he 
vhill  make  a  diversion.  I 
belief  it  vhas  a  diversion, 
but  my  head  aches  so 
hard  I  vhas  not  sure. " 

"Yes,  it  was  probably 
a  diversion." 

"  Vhell,  he  goes  down 
cellar,  und  starts  a  leetle 
fire — not  mooch,  but 
shust  enough  to  bring  out 
der  engines  und  a  crowd, 
und  smoke  up  der  goods. 
It  vhas  for  a  great  fire 
sale,  you  know — goods 
slightly  damaged  —  f eef- 
teen  dollar  suits  for  five 
— greatest  bonanza  for 
working  peoples  eafer 
known  in  St.  Louis." 

"I  see." 

'  'But  he  gets  too  much  fire,  und  avhay  goes 
der  house,  der  clothing,  und  der  peesness." 
' '  But  you  were  insured  ?" 
'  'So  help  me  gracious,  but  der  policies  run 
oud  at  noon,  und  Shake  makes  dot  diversion 
at  5  o'clock  in  der  afternoon  !  All  vhas  gone 
oop — all  except  a  determination  to  go  to  work 
und  build  oop  anew.  I  vhas  shust  starting 
in  a  small  vhay  again.  Maybe  you  like  me 
to  sell  you  a  better  suit  dan  you  haf  on  for 
four  dollars — all  wool,  well  made,  indigo  dye, 
und  computed  to  stand  in  any  climate  ?" 

A  Disease  not  "Wholly  Unknown. 

Smith. — Hello,  Jones,  I  hear  you  're  to  be 
married  next  week.  Congrat  — 

Young  Benedick  Jones. — Yes,  I'm  going  to 
be  married  Monday.  Say,  Smith,  what's  the 
address  of  that  doctor  you  think  so  much  of? 

Smith. — Why,  you  ain't  sick,  are  you? 

Young  Benedick  Jones — I  d'  'no',  Smith — I 
feel  awful  queer,  I  have  chills  every  few 
minutes,  and  a  kind  of  sensation  as  if  all  my 
bones  were  sort  of  melting  away  cold.  Ever 
hear  of  any  thing  like  it? — Puck. 

A  Ten  Strike. 

"  Never  strike  a  man  below  the  belt,"  is  my 
motto. 

"  You  don't  live  up  to  it.  You  struck  me 
on  the  pocket  the  other  day. " 


100 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


"Went  Out  to  Drop  Smith. 

At  about  three  o'clock  in  the  afternoon  I 
came  along  to  a  Kentucky  "squat,"  which 
differed  from  a  hundred  others  only  in  the 
fact  that  a  woman  and  a  ooy  sat  on  a  log  in 
front  of  the  opening  in  the  brush  fence, 
which  might  be  termed  the  gate,  and  be- 
cause six  dogs  were  lying  in  the  sun  instead 
of  the  usual  three  or  four.  I  asked  after 
the  man  of  the  house,  and  the  woman  re- 
plied: 

"  He  un'  hain't  home  just  now." 

"Be  back  soon?" 

"I  reckon.  He  *un  has  gone  down  the 
road  a  piece  to  drop  that  Dave  Smith." 

"To  what  •"  I  asked. 

"  To  drop  Dave  Smith  " 

'  'Do  you  mean  he  has  gone  to  shoot  Smith  V ' 

"  Sartin.  They  'uns  has  bin  wantin'  to  pop 
at  each  other  fur  along  time." 

"Thar  she  clatters  1"  shouted  the  boy  as 
the  report  of  a  gun  reached  our  ears,  and  he 
was  oft  down  the  road  like  a  deer. 

4 '  Reckon  the  old  man  dropped  him, "  calmly 
observed  the  woman  as  she  went  on  with 
her  work  of  patching  an  old  woolen  shirt. 

I  expressed  my  unbounded  surprise  at  this 
sort  of  man  hunting,  but  she  said  it  was  one 
iof  the  customs,  and  had  to  be  lived  up  to.  In 
[about  ten  minutes  the  boy  reappeared,  and, 
'sitting  down  on  a  log  to  get  his  breath,  he 
said: 

'  Pop's  a-coming." 

4 'Drop  Smith  I"  she  queried,  without  even 
looking  up. 

"No;  Smith  dropped  him.  Pop's  got 
buckshot  in  the  shoulder.  Better  get  things 
ready." 

"Keckon  I  had,  Jim,"  she  said,  and,  get- 
ting up,  she  folded  her  work  and  moved  into 
the  house  without  the  least  sign  of  excite- 
ment. A  few  minutes  later  the  husband 
came  up  at  a  slow  work,  with  the  fresh  blood 
dripping  from  his  shoulder,  and  halted  long 
enough  in  front  of  me  to  say  : 

"  Evening  to  you,  stranger.  Sort  o'  make 
yourself  to  home.  I  went  out  to  drop  Smith, 
out  the  onery  varmint  was  waiting'  behind  a 
bush  and  dropped  me.  Git  the  blood  wash- 
ed off  and  the  -shot  picked  out,  and  we'll  hev 
a  visit.  You,  Jim,  take  his  knapsack  and 
show  him  whar*  to  wash  up." 

That  was  Different. 

"Can  I — I  have  a  word  with  you  in  pri- 
frate?"  stammered  the  young  man,  as  he 
stood  at  the  door  of  the  private  office. 

"Come  in  t"  replied  the  head  of  the  firm. 
"  Now,  what  is  it?" 

'•You — you  are  aware  of  the  fact  that  I — " 

"That  you  have  been  with  this  house  for 
four  years.  Yes'  sir,  I  am  aware  of  the  fact. 
Want  to  leave?" 

"Oh.  no." 

"Didn't  know  but  you  had  had  a  better 
offer.  If  so,  you  can  go." 

'/ That's  not  it,sir." 

''Oh,  it  isn't?  Want  an  increase  of  salary, 


do  you?  Well,  you  won't  get  it.  We  **» 
now  paying  you  all  you  are  wortn,  and  »  is* 
tie  more." 

"  It  isn't  that,  sir." 

"  It  isn't  1    Then  what  are  you  driving  AtC* 
"I  want  your  daughter,  Molly." 
"Hump!     That's  different.    Go  and  tako 
her  and  be  hanged  to  you!    I  thought  you 
were  fishing  for  a  raise  of  salary ! " 

Had  Him  There. 

The  celebrated  novelist,  Count  Leo  Tolstoi, 
as  is  well  known,  gave  up  literary  work  to  a 
great  extent,  and  busied  himself  chiefly  with 
manual  labor  and  the  spread  of  the ''gospel 
of  brotherly  love."  A  short  time  ago,  when 
driving  in  tho  streets  of  Moscow,  he  saw  a 
policeman  arrest  a  peasant  because  of  some 
slight  offense  against  the  police  regulations, 
and  lead  him  along  the  street.  Ordering  hia 
coachman  to  halt,  the  Count  rushed  up  to 
the  policeman  and  asked  him  if  he  could  read. 

"Certainly." 

"Have  you  read  the  Bible?" 

The  answer  was  in  the  affirmative. 

"Then,"  continued  the  Count  to  the  sur- 
prised officer,  "do  not  forget  that  we  ar* 
commanded  to  love  our  neighbors  as  our< 
selves." 

The  policeman  looked  at  him  in  astonish* 
ment  for  a  moment,  then  began  inquisition 
of  his  own. 

"Can  you  read? "  he  asked. 

"Yes/' 

"Have  you  read  the  police  regulations?" 

The  Count  was  obliged  to  reply  in  the  nega- 
tive. 

"Then,"  answered  the  officer,  as  he  pro- 
ceeded on  his  way  with  his  victim,  "read 
them  before  you  come  here  to  preach." 

Not  Uncertain,  Coy  or  hard  to  Please. 

"Miss  Clara,"  he  said  tremously,  "I  want 
to  tell  you— er— the  old,  old  story— ''•  and  then 
for  a  moment,  his  agitations  got  the  better  of 
him. 

"Goon,  Mr.  Sampson,"  said  the  girl  with 
shy  encouragement ;  "nevermind  if  it  is  a 
chestnut;  perhaps  I  never  heard  it  before." 

*  -       She  was  a  "Woman. 

"Wait  a  minute,  dear,"  she  called  coaxing 
ly,  as  she  was  leisurely  putting  on  her  gloves. 

"  Time  and  tide  wait  for  no  man,"  he  re- 
sponded, impatiently,  at  the  foot  of  the  stairs. 

"And  I  am  no  man,"  she  said  with  a  mock- 
ing little  laugh  that  he  felt  like  throwing  a 
hundred  dollar  vase  at. 


Sinking  Rapidly. 

Robinson—"  Hello,  Smith !  Glad  to  see  you 
back.  How  did  you  leave  Jones?" 

Smith—"  Poor  fellow !  The  last  time  I  saw 
him  he  was  sinking  rapidly." 

Kobinson— "  Indeed  I  What  was  the  mat- 
ter with  him?" 

Smith — "He  fell  overboard  from  the  steam- 
er." 


YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


101 


The  Bridge  of  Small  Size. 


»3&55 

:«~^ 

~*.          .X*  %.  ~.w  '•".  "-  • 

SHE—*'  You  go  over  first  and  I  mil  follow  after." 


She  Knew  all  About  a  Boat. 

They  were  registered  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Brown  at  the  hotel  in  a  little  village 
on  the  Sound.  In  half  an  hour  after 
their  arrival  Mrs.  Brown  was  over- 
heard to  say  to  her  husband,  "See 
here,  Brown,  I  want  to  take  a  ride  in 
one  of  them  boats." 

"Of  course,  love,  but  wouldn't  it  be 

better  to   -ivait    until    after    dinner? 

Nobody  goes  sailing   at  this  time  o' 

day.     Don't  you   see   that    all    the 

boats  are  tied  up  or  drawn  ashore  ?" 

"Botheration!   Brown,  get  a  boat." 

Brown  yielded,  and  arm-in  arm  they 
marched  down  to  the  landing. 

"See  here  Brown,  (his  name  wasn't 
See  here  Brown,  but  she  addressed 
him  in  that  way  oftener  than  in  any 
other),  did  you  ever  row  a  boat  ?" 

Brown  had  to  acknowledge  that  he 
never  did,  but  he  was  willing  to  try. 

"Then  I'll  teach  you,"  said  Mrs. 
Brown  confidently. 

The  little  craft  rocked  lightly  on 
ten  feet  of  clear  water,  at  the  bottom 
of  which  were  strewn  the  usual  as- 
sortment of  oyster  cans,  broken  crock- 
ery, mussel  shells  and  old  boots  tegs." 

"Now,  my  dear,"  said  Brown,  "be 
careful  how  you  get  into  the  boat. 
Don't  jump  into  it,  or  try  to  get  into 
it  head  foremost,  or  upon  all  fours, 
but  put  one  foot  on  each  side  and " 

''See  here,  Brown,  do  you  s'pose 
IVe  never  been  in  a  boat  before  ? 
Don't  I  know  that  them  two  little 
pegs  in  the  side  of  the  boat  are  a  sort 
o'  stirrup  for  a  lady  to  put  her  foot 
into,  this  way,  so  as  to ' 

"No,  no!"  shrieked  Brown,  but  it 
was  too  late.  The  lady  had  put  her 
foot  into  it.  Her  165  pound  avoirdu- 
pois was  too  much,  and  as  the  boat 
ported  and  turned  up  its  keel  for  the 
sun  to  kiss  she  keeled  too,  and  went 
to  the  bottom  of  the  bay  among  the 
oyster  shells,  etc.  And  the  boat-hook 
that  hauled  her  out  ruined  her  best 
dress. — Texas  Sif  tings. 


HE  goes  over,  but  she  changes  her  mind,  and  does  not 
follow. 


It  was  not  Leap  Year,  either. 

"What  a  genius  you  are!"  ex- 
claimed a  young  lady  visiting  an 
inventor's  work  room.  ' '  I  believe 
you  could  make  almost  everything." 

"Yes,"  replied  the  young  man, 
modestly.  "Is  there  anything  you 
would  like  to  see  me  make?" 

"Make  me  an  offer,"  whispered 
the  girl  shyly. 

VERY  LIKE  LAST  SEASON'S — "What 
is  the  latest  style  in  hugs?"  asked 
Coyly  of  the  fair  young  dressmaker. 

"Oh !  something  rather  quiet,  and 
very  close  fitting,"  she  answered 
sweetly. 


102 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  «/0A'A>'. 


Talking  in  Slang. 

She  was  a  Boston  maid  of  high  degree, 

With  eyes  that  shone  like  incandescent  lights, 
And  just  such  pouting  lips  as  seem  to  me 
The  kiss  invites, 

I  met  her  on  the  Common's  grassy  sod, 

Near  where  the  fountain  plays  in  squirtive  mood; 
sh  >  stood  reflective,  while  a  passive  wad 
Of  gum  she  chewed. 

"It  does  one  good  to  see  this  spot.'  said  I, 

"When  weary  of  the  city's  hum  and  buzz," 
the  ceased  her  waxic  pastime  to  reply : 
"That's  what  it  does." 

"This  sylvan  spot,"  then  softly  I  avered. 

"The  foot  of  man  seems  almost  to  defile." 
Her  voice  came  sweet  as  notes  of  woodland  bird  : 
"Well.  I  should  smile." 

"The  balmy  breezes  whispering  overhead 

With  such  enchanting  softness  kiss  the  brow." 
In  tones  of  liquid  melody  she  said; 
•'You're  shoutin'  now!" 

"And  have  you  noticed,  fair  one,  how  each  bird 

Seems  here  to  choose  its  sweetest  vocal  gem  ?" 
I  dwelt  in  rapture  on  her  every  word : 
"I'm  onto  them." 

"And  how  the  leaves  like  moving  emeralds  seem, 

When  In  response  to  the  sweet  breeze  they  shake !" 
Her  voice  came  soft  as  echo  from  a  dream : 
"They  take  the  cake." 

"Dost  wander  often  to  a  sylvan  spot, 

The  dreamy  sense  of  quietude  to  speak  ?" 
Soft  purled  her  answer:    "Well,  I  take  a  trot  'bout 
Once  a  week." 

In  converse  sweet  I  lingered  by  her  side, 

And  felt  that  there  forever  I  could  dwell. 
And  as  I  left  her  after  me  she  cried : 
"So  long,  old  fel." 

I  was  not  captured  by  her  voice  so  rich, 

Nor  with  her  lovely  face,  so  fresh  and  young, 
But  with  the  sweet  dexterity  with  which 
Her  slang  she  slung. 


Human  Nature  on  the  Highway, 

It  was  on  a  highway  running  into  a  city  in 
Pennsylvania.  One  man  was  driving  out 
with  a  load  of  brick  and  the  other  driving 
in  with  a  load  of  hay,  Both  attempted  to 
get  the  best  side  of  a  mud  hole,  and  as  a  con- 
sequence their  teams  came  head  to  head  and 
stopped. 

'You,  there !"  shouted  the  brick  man. 

'  You  there,  yourself !"  replied  the  other. 

'Going  to  turn  out  ?" 

'No!" 

'Neither  will  I!" 

'  I'll  stay  here  a  whole  year  first !" 

'And  I'll  stay  ten  of  them !" 
Both  proceeded  to  make  themselves  as  com- 
fortable as  possible,  and  to  appear  careless 
and  indifferent  as  to  results.  Other  travelers 
took  the  other  side  of  the  hole,  and  passed 
them  by,  and  so  it  became  a  question  of  en- 
durance. At  the  end  of  an  hour  the  hay 
man  said : 

' '  If  there's  any  one  man  I  hate  above  an- 
other, it's  a  human  hog !" 

"Then  it's  a  wonder  you  haven't  hated 
yourself  to  death !"  was  the  retort,  and  silence 
reigned  supreme  again. 

Another  hour  passed,  and  the  brick  man 
observ  • : 


"  I'm  going  to  sleep,  and  I  hope  you  won't 
disturb  me. " 

"Just  what  I  was  going  to  ask  of  you,"  re- 
plied the  hay  man. 

Both  pretended  to  sleep,  but  at  the  end  of 
the  third  hour  the  hay  man  suddenly  called 
out: 

•'  'Say !    You  are  a  cussed  mean  man !" 

"The  same  to  you!" 

"Where  you  going  with  those  bricks  ?'' 

"Four  miles  out,  to  John  Dayton's.  Where 
you  going  with  your  hay  ?" 

"To  Stiner's  brick  yard." 

"Say,  man,  I'm  John  Dayton,  myself,  and 
I've  traded  this  hay  for  brick !" 

"Well,  I'm  young  Stiner,  and  I  was  driv- 
ing the  first  load  out !" 

"What  fools  we  are!  Here,  take  all  the 
road !" 

"No — no — let  me  turn  out." 

"I'll  turn." 

"No— let  me." 

And  in  their  haste  to  do  the  polite  thing 
the  load  of  hay  was  upset  and  a  wheel  taken 
off  the  brick  wagon. 

Paralyzing. 

"  That's  a  right  smart  little  gal  of  yours," 
said  a  benevolent-looking  old  gentleman  on  a 
Western  railroad  to  a  lady  sitting  in  front  of 
him.  "I've  been  watching  her  for  some 
time." 

"Yes,  I  have  noticed  you,"  remarked  the 
lady  ;  "you  have  children  of  your  own,  per- 
haps ;  but  I  daresay  yours  are  all  grown.  ' 

"  No'm  ;  I've  some  grown  up,  but  I've  got 
a  little  tot  to  home  only  eight  months  old, 
and  another  one  a  year  old,  and  one  f  o'teen 
months  and  one  two  years  old,  and  a  pair  o' 
real  cunnin'  twins  two  years  and  a  half  old, 
and  a  boy  of  three  and  a  little  gal  the  same 
age.  Then  there's  Mar^,  an'  Arvilly,  an' 
Jonas,  an'  William  Henry,  an'  Peter,  and 
Salviny,  an'  Antoynetty,  an'  Victoriav  £-•' 
Wellington,  an'  Charles  Sumner^  r-n'  Ange- 
liny,  an'  Cyrus,  an'  Naomy,  an'  Euth,  an' 
Diany,  an' .  I  have  to  git  off  at  this  sta- 
tion to  take  the  Salt  Lake  train.  If  you 
should  ever  be  out  in  Utah  come  an'  see  the 
children.  There's  some  I  ain't  named.— good 
bye  I" 

"Which  was  the  Sweetest. 

Young  Man. — "I  want  to  ask  you  a  ques- 
tion." Widower. — "All  right;  ask  away." 
Y.  M. — "You  have  been  married  three  times ; 
tell  me  which  wife  did  you  love  most?"  W. 
— ' '  You  bite  three  sour  apples,  one  after  the 
other,  and  then  tell  me  which  is  the  sweet- 
est." 


Didn't  need  It 

Old  Gentleman  (from  head  of  stairs) — My 
daughter,  I  think  Mr.  Tarrylate  and  you  have 
burned  enough  gas  for  one  night. 

Mr.  Tarrylate— All  right,  sir ;  I'll  turn  it 
out. 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


103 


Her  Symptoms  Dangerous. 


Miss  TwiRLfiR— "  I'm  afraid,   doctor,  that  I    have    heart 
trouble." 

DOCTOR— "Why,  what  makes  you  think  so?  You  look  w^ll." 
Miss  TwiRTjSB— "  Yes,  but  for  the  last  few  weeks  my  affec- 
tions have  been  so  terribly  fickle." 


How  She  Restrained  Herself. 

A  certain  young  married  lady  of  Harlem, 
is  fortunate  in  having  a  good,  kind  husband, 
vv-licre  devotion  to  her  has  never  nagged  for 
an  instant  since  the  first  day  he  fell  in  love 
with  her  several  years  ago.  She,  unfortun- 
ately for  her  own  happiness  as  well  as  his, 
was  born  with  a  temper  like  gunpowder.  The 
following  little  dialogue  took  place  between 
them  the  other  morning  Just  after  breakfast, 
during  one  of  her  lucid  intervals.  It  leaked 
out,  no  matter  how. 

' '  Tell  me, "  said  he  ' '  just  for  my  own  curiosity 
how  it  happened  that  I  never  discovered  this 
unhappy  weakness  in  you  in  our  courtship 
days,  when  I  thought  you  a  paragon  of  per- 
fection? How  did  you  ever  manage  to  res- 
train yourself  then?" 

The  poor  woman  hesitated  a  few  moments 
before  answering,  and  then,  sobbing  bitterly, 
dropped  her  graceful  little  head  upon  his 
Sturdy  shoulder  and  said, — 

"  I  used  to  excuse  myself  from  you  for  a 
few  minutes  and  g-g-go  upstairs  and  b-b-bite 
pieces  out  of  the  top  of  the  bu-bu-bureau." 

And  he  was  as  well  satisfied  with  this  ex- 
planation as  he  could  have  been  with  any. 


Patrick's  Casey's  Scheme. 

One  day  a  man  who  spoke  with  the 
Irish  brogue  came  over  to  the  store, 
and  inquired  for  me  by  name,  and 
when  I  stepped  out  of  the  office  he  in- 
quired,— 

1 '  Would  you  like  to  make  $75,000  in 
a  year?" 

"Why,  certainly." 

"  It  may  cost  you  as  much  as  $7  per 
week,  but  you'll  be  sure  to  get  your 
fortune  in  twelve  months." 

"Explain." 

"Well,  I  know  a  man  named 
Mulcahy  who's  got  consumption  and 
must  die.  He  used  to  be  a  robber,  but 
has  reformed  now.  He  made  $75,000 
in  cash  at  one  haul,  and  it  lies  buried 
up  the  river.  He  says  he'll  never 
touch  a  cent  of  it,  but  I  know  that 
the  man  who  takes  care  of  him  until 
he  dies  will  be  told  where  that  money 

'Why  don't  you  take  him  ?" 
'  I'm  a  widower,  sir." 
'  But  you  must  have  friends." 
'So  I    have,   but  I'm  giving  you 
jhe  first  choice.    If  you  don't  want  it, 
I'll  find  others." 

The  result  was  that  Mulcahy  came 
to  see  me.    He  looked  like  some  one 
I  had  seen  before,  but  I  could  not  tell 
who.    I  saw  that  he  had  only  a  few 
months  to  live,  and,  without  referring 
to  the  $75,000  or  the  fact  of  his  having 
been  a  robber,  I  sent  him  to  a  comfort- 
able boarding-house,    and  agreed  to 
furnish  him  with  $7  per  week.     For 
ten  straight  months  I  paid  his  keep, 
and  he  dressed  well  and  had  plenty  to 
eat  and  drink.    One  day  I  was  sent  for  to 
find  him  dying.     I  was  sorry,  of  course,  but 
business  is  business,  and  as  soon  as  I  could 
make  opportunity  I  said, — 
"John,  you  are  going  to  die." 
"Yes,  soir." 

'  'And  that — that  money  up  the  river,  you 
know." 

"Yes,  soir." 

"Hadn't  you  better  tell  me  just  where  to 
find  it  ?" 

"There's  none  there,  soir." 
"What?" 

"Niver  a  cent,  soir." 
"But  Casey  said  there  was." 
"He  did,  soir.  Casey  is  my  brother,  and 
we  fixed  on  that  story  that  I  might  be  prop- 
erly cared  for  in  my  last  days.  You  are  a 
gintleman,  soir,  if  I  do  say  it,  and  I'll  leave 
you  the  razor  that  I've  owned  these  four  and 
twenty  years.  Good-bye,  to  yees,  soir,  and 
if  you  could  do  the  fair  thing  by  me,  and  pay 
the  funeral  expenses,  and  buy  headstone.  I'd 
go  feeling  quite  content." 


PAY  as  you  go,  and  if  you  can't  pay  dont 


go. 


104 


r.utxs  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


No  Bank  There. 

There  was  an  Eastern  man  with  us  in  the 
stage  as  we  were  making  a  route  in  Kansas, 
and  at  noon,  as  we  stopped  at  a  new  town  for 
dinner,  he  said  to  the  landlord  of  the  board 
shanty  tavern: 

"This  seems  to  be  a  brisk  sort  of  a  town. '' 

'  'Yes.     She's  gaining  right  along. " 

"  Is  there  a  bank  here  ?'' 

"  Regular  bank?" 

"Yes." 

"Regular  bank,  with  President,  cashier 
and  so  on  where  they  receive  deposits,  give 
drafts  on  Chicago,  and  so  forth  ?" 

"Yes." 

"  No,  there  isn't  any  such  bank  here  now." 

' '  Then  there  was  one  ?" 

"Yes,  but  it  closed  up.  The  President  and 
cashier  are  here,  though." 

"Then,  perhaps  I  could  have  a  little  talk 
with  them  before  dinner. 

"Hardly.  They  are  lying  underground, 
out  here  in  my  back  lot." 

"What!  Dead?" 

"As  door  nails." 

"  Sickness  or  accident  ?" 

"Well,  sort  o'  betwixt.  The  bank  tried  to 
fail  and  pay  fifty  cents  on  the  dollar,  and  the 
boys  turned  out  and  hung  'em  to  that  tele- 
graph pole  there,  and  divided  the  cash,  so 
that  we  got  $1.10  apiece  on  our  deposits.  If 
you  want  to  start  a  bank,  however.  I'll " 

"  Oh  !  no  !  I  had  no  idea  of  it.  I'm  going 
on  to  Emporia  to  go  into  business." 


True  Enough. 

Unnatural  and  illogical  as  it  seems,  quick- 
ness of  thought  and  ignorance  of  grammar 
now  and  then  go  together.  The  result  is  of- 
ten amusing  and  sometimes  picturesque. 

Teacher — Now,  children,  T  will  give  you 
three  words — boys,  bees  and  bears — and  I 
want  you  to  compose  a  sentence  which  will 
include  all  three  words. 

Small  Boy — I  have  it. 

Teacher — John  McCarthy,  you  may  give 
us  your  sentence. 

John  McCarthy — Boys  bees  bare  whin  they 
go  in  swimmin'. 

How  he  Knew  he  was  of  Age 

While  one  of  our  citizens  was  judge  at  the 
Democratic  primary,  a  young  smooth-faced 
fellow  offered  his  vote,  and  was  asked  by 
him  if:  he  was  old  enough  to  vote. 

"Yes,"  says  the  fellow,  "I  am  twenty -one." 

"How  do  you  know?" 

"Well,  I  have  had  the  seven-year  itch 
three  times,"  was  the  response. 


At  the  Ballet. 

Little  Girl  (fearfully) :  Mamma,  when  are 
the  Indian  girls  coming  on? 

Mother:  Hush,  dear;  there  are  no  Indians. 

Little  Girl :  Then  who  scalped  all  the  men 
in  the  front  seats? 


Presence  of  Mind. 

A  good  story  is  told  of  a  well-known  local 
politician.  His  wife  had  been  out  of  town,  for 
the  summer,  and  during  her  absence  the  poli- 
tician stopped  at  a  hotel.  Mrs.  Blank  re- 
turned to  town  on  Friday,  and  on  her  way 
from  the  boat  to  the  hotel  the  lady  asked  : 

"Did  they  treat  you  well  while  I  was 
away  ?" 

"Oh,  yes;  excellent!  I'll  show  you  what  a 
fine  room  I  had.  It  will  make  you  smack 
your  lips." 

And  then,  as  they  approached  the  hotel : 

"There's  my  room.  See !  they  have  the  gas 
lighted  and  everything  in  readiness  for  our 
return.  Nice  location,  isn't  it  ? 

"Ye—" 

Just  then  a  lady  came  to  the  window  of 
the  room  and  drew  down  the  shade.  There 
was  so  much  silence  that  it  cracked  the  pave- 
ment. The  gentleman  pointed  out  the  wrong 
window,  but  his  wife  wouldn't  believe  him 
until  he  had  gone  up  and  waved  his  hat  out 
of  the  window  of  his  own  room  while  she 
stood  on  the  other  side  of  the  street  and 
watched  him,  and  even  then  she  doubted, 
and  said  that  he  had  been  a  good  while  get- 
ting up-stairs,  and  then  spent  half  the  night 
hunting  around  the  room. 


He  dined  at    the   White  House. 

"I  understand  you  were  royally  enter- 
tained during  your  sojourn  at  Washington." 

"  Oh,  yes;  I  had  a  delightful  time,  and  re- 
ceived no  little  consideration." 

' '  Visited  the  monument,  and  the  National 
Museum  and  Capitol '." 

"Yes." 

"Called  upon  the  President  and  other  dis- 
tinguished gentlemen?'' 

"Yes." 

"Visited the  White  House?" 

"  Oh,  yes;  and  I  had  the  pleasure  of  dirn^g- 
there." 

"  On  invitation  of  the  President :  ' 

"  Not  exactly  on  his  invitation.  I  took  a 
little  lunc-h  with  me  and  ate  it  from  my 
pocket  in  the  reception-room  as  fast  as  I  could 
without  attracting  attention. " 


A  Delecate  Compliment. 

Perhaps  one  of  the  wittiest  things  from  the 
greatest  wit  of  the  world  Avas  that  of  Sidney 
Smith  to  the  Duchess  of  Marlborough.  She 
was  a  great  lover  of  flowers,  and  had  just 
procured  a  rare  pea-vine  from  India.  It  did 
not  seem  to  thrive,  and  when  Sidney  Smith 
came  to  the  house  one  day,  she  knowing  his 
fondness  for  flowers,  showed  him  through  her 
conservatory,  Going  toward  the  pea-vine, 
she  exclaimed : 

"  O,  Mr.  Smith,  I'm  so  afraid  my  beautiful 
pea  will  never  come  to  perfection." 

"Then  permit  me,  my  dear  madam,  to  lead 
perfection  to  the  pea, "  taking  her  arm  an<i 
conducting  her  to  the  vine. 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


105 


fttltFat  Postman 


BY 


Oh,  It's  glad  I  am  whin  the  postman  comes, 

Marnin'  or  noon  or  ave, 
An'  it's  little  I  moind  the  shtips  I  take, 

Or  the  worruk  I  hev  to  leave. 
I  hear  him  whistle  "  whirree-er-oo ! " 

Yf  ith  his  little  round  face  so  fat, 
An'  I  know  be  the  wink  in  his  shmall  black  eye 

He's  bringing  me  news  from  Pat, 

Up  and  down  in  his  ould  gray  coat 

He's  thravellin'  on  his  way, 
An'  it's  joy  he  is  to  the  saddest  heart, 

An'  loight  on  the  darkest  day. 
He  seems  to  know  when  he's  bringing  luck, 

An'  faith,  I  think  he  has  cause, 
Wid  the  neighbors  watchin'  all  down  the  sthrate 

For  the  Post-office  Santy  Glaus. 

Oh,  little  fat  post-man,  go  your  rounds, 

Wid  your  mail-bag  undher  your  arm ! 
It's  mesilf  that's  prayin'  the  howly  saints 

To  be  kapin'  you  safe  from  harm, 
An'  if  on  the  quiet  you'd  sthale  a  kiss — 

Ah,  who  would  be  mad  at  that? 
It's  not  mesilf  that  ud  be  unkoind 

Whin  yer  bringin'  me  news  from  Pat. 

— "Drake's  Magazine." 


Cornfield  Philosophy. 

ICE  is  of  little  use  to  the  small  boy  who  has 
no  skates,  and  of /still  less  use  to  the  one  who 
is  barefooted. 

THE  stranger  who  gives  you  his  confidence 
unasked  is  either  a  fool  or  he  takes  you  for 
one. 

SMALL  shoes  will  hurt  her  feet,  but  stilfa 
girl  will  wear  them.  She  cares  more  for  her 
beau  than  for  her  feet. 

I  ONCE  knew  a  man  who  was  careful  to  eat 
pie  with  his  fork,  but  he  was  not  careful  to 
•eat  but  one  piece. 


Her  Last  Request 

"I  have  seen  some  laughable  things,  too," 
said  the  doctor.  ' '  Human  nature  comes  out 
when  people  are  very  sick.  I  was  called  in 
once  to  attend  a  lady  who  was  taken  sudden- 
ly ill  and  was  quite  sure  she  was  going  to  die. 
There  was  nothing  very  serious  the  matter 
with  her,  but  she  was  quite  sure  her  end  was 
near, 

"  '  Doctor,'  she  said,  '  I  know  I  am  going  to 
did.  Don't  tell  my  husband,  but  let  me  ask 
you  one  favor  before  I  go. ' 

•••What  is  it?" 

'"Whisper,  doctor.  Ask  Mary  to  fix  up 
my  bangs  before  they  bury  me.' " 


106 


NEW  YARNS  A  ND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


He  Loved  His  Niece. 


NELLIE—"  And  which  of  the  Italian  cities  did  you 
like  best,  Mr.  Flei  ?" 

FLFI — "Well,  ray  choice  may  be  naughty,  but  it's 
Nice." 

After  Tennyson. 

If  you'r  waking,  call  me  early, 
Call  me  early,  mother  dear; 
Fry  me  a  chunk  of  the  fattest  bacon, 
And  get  me  some  bottled  beer. 


I  PUSHED  the  wavy  golden  locks 
From  off  her  forehead  fair, 

And  where  a  frown  had  lately  been 
A  kiss  I  printed  there 

I  hold  the  tresses  shining  fair 

As  yellow  buttercups. 
"  Was  that  a  good  kiss,  love  ?"  said  I, 

And  she  replied,  "  Bang  up." 

I  CANNOT  sing  the  old  songs, 

As  I  have  been  requested ; 
Last  time  I  tried  to  warble  them 

The  Mayor  had  me  arrested, 


Only  Looking  for  Accomodations. 

As  the  steamboat  from  New  London  was 
about  to  leave  for  New  York  the  other  eve- 
ning, a  young  man  leading  a  blushing  and 
buxom  damsel  by  the  hand,  approached  the 
polite  clerk  and  said  in  a  low  and  confident 
tone: 

"  Mister,  me  and  my  wife  have  jest  got 
married  and  are  lookingf  or  accommodations. " 

"  Looking  for  a  berth,  I  suppose, "  said  the 
clerk,  as  he  passed  tickets  to  others  who  were 
waiting. 

"A birth!  Thunder  and  lightning,  no!" 
gasped  the  astonished  rustic.  ' '  We  hain't 
but  just  got  married.  We  only  want  a  place 
to  stay  all  night,  you  know,  that's  all." 

A  Good  Time  to  Start. 

"You  haven't  a  cent,  and  yet  wish  to  mar- 
ry Miss  Bilyan.  Don't  you  expect  her  father 
to  kick  you  out?" 

"  Oh,  no.  I  intend  to  go  before  the  foot- 
lights." 


Couldn't  Expect  it. 

' '  There  will  have  to  be  some  new  rules 
made,  or  something  like  that,  or  else  I  will 
have  to  quit,"  said  the  young  lady  in  the  tele- 
phone office  to  the  chief  clerk. 

"What's  the  trouble?" 

"Some  of  the  things  that  are  said  over  the 
wires  are  exceedingly  disagreeable,  and  not 
proper  for  me  to  hear." 

"  Oh,  that's  all  right,"  was  the  brutal  reply. 
"You  can't  expect  to  work  around  electricity 
and  not  get  shocked." 

Nothing  Separated  Them. 

"Perhaps."  said  the  fresh  young  man,  as 
he  plumped  himself  down  on  the  sofa  between 
the  two  giddy  girls,  ' '  perhaps  you  were  dis- 
cussing some  choice  secret  ?" 

"Oh,  no,"  said  one  of  them,  "Iwasjusfc 
saying  to  Minnie  that  '  nothing  should  sepa- 
rate us,'  but  really  I  didn't  expect  it  to  hap- 
pen so  soon. " 

And  the  beating  of  his  own  heart  was  all 
the  sound  he  heard. 


A  New  Emancipation. 

Jim  Robinson  is  telling  a  story  around  Tol- 
edo which  is  worth  printing.  Of  course,  it  ,is 
about  electric  street  railways,  but  that  doesn't 
hurt  it.  It  seems  a  Northern  company  recent- 
ly put  in  an  electric  road  in  Nashville,  Tenn., 
and  an  old  darkey  was  showing  it  to  his  wife : 

"Look  at  it !  Look  at  it?"  he  said.  ' '  Bress 
the  Lord,  these  Yankees  are  great  people. 
Twenty-five  yeahs  ago  dey  come  down  heah 
and  freed  theniggah,  and  now  dey  come  down 
and  free  de  mule !" 


What  Made  Mrs.  Buffins  Despondent. 

Muggins — "I  understand  that  Mrs.  Buf- 
fins has  presented  you  with  a  son  and  Loir. 
Accept  my  congratulations." 

Buffins—  '^Thank  you;  but  unfortunately 
it  was  not  a  son  and  heir,  but  a  littls  girl.  I 
don't  mind  myself,  but  Mrs.  Buffiins  is  quite 
despondent  about  it. " 

Muggins — "Why  did  she  want  it  to  be  a 
boy  so  particularly  ?" 

Buffins — "Well,  you  see,  she'd  made  up  her 
mind  to  dress  him  in  a  Lord  Fauntleroy  sxiit, 
and  you  can't  do  that  with  a  girl,  you  know." 


A  Test  for  a  Champion. 

Mr.  Downs — Did  I  understand  you  to  say, 
Carrie,  that  that  young  man  of  yours  is  an 
athlete? 

Miss  Downs — Only  an  amateur,  papa,  but 
he's  one  of  the  strongest  men  in  the  athletic 
club.  He  lifted  a  thousand  pounds  the  other 
day. 

1 '  Just  hint  to  him  that  the  young  man  who 
marries  you  must  be  able  to  lift  the  mortgage 
off  this  house." 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


107 


Timely  Assistance. 


J 


DROWNING  PARTY— "Help  !  help !  somebody  h-e-l-p !  ! " 
PARTY  ON  WHARF — "Hould  on,  I'm  wid  yer!  here's  a  rope." 


Not  Square. 

The  Teuton  is  a  long  time  in 
learning  American  idioms.  One 
who  had  been  here  for  a  year 
or  more,  and  could  speak  some 
English  before  his  arrival;  a 
very  short  and  corpulent  man, 
by  the  way,  went  to  his  gro- 
cer's and  paid  a  bill  which  had 
been  standing  for  several  weeks. 

*'Now,  you  are  all  square, 
Hans." 

"I  vas  vat?" 

"You  are  square,  I  said." 

"I  vas  square?" 

"Yes,  you  are  all  square, 
now. " 

Hans  was  silent  for  a  mo 
ment;  then,  with  reddening 
face  and  flashing  eyes,  he 
brought  his  plump  fist  down 
upon  the  counter  and  said : 

"See  here,  mine  frent,  I  vill 
haf  no  more  peezness  mit  you. 
I  treat  you  like  a  shentleman, 
I  pay  my  pill,  und  you  make  n, 
shoke  of  me — you  say  I  vas 
square  ven  I  know  I  vas  round 
as  a  parrel.  I  don't  like  such 
shokes.  My  peezness  mit  you 
vas  done !" 


A  Roland  for  his  Oliver. 

Trfeh  Car  Driver  (to  American  tourist) :  Is 
tn  thrue,  misther,  that  the  New  York  hotels 
are  that  big  that  it  wud  tak'  the  whole  city 
of  Ihibliu  to  hould  wan  of  thim  ? 

American  Tourist  (concealing  a  smile) :  Cer- 
tainly, quite  true. 

Irish  Car  Driver  (to  himself) :  'Tis  a  truth- 
ful sort  of  person  he  is,  entirely. 

American  Tourist :  Was  there  ever  such  a 
person  as  Kate  Kearney  ? 

lush  Car  Driver:  Ay,  that  there  was,  yer 
honour!  An'  whin  she  stood  on  the  top  o' 
that  mountain  her  hair  rached  down  to  the 
say,  an'  it's  many  a  poor  sailor  was  saved 
from  drownding  "by  gettin'  hould  o'  the  end 
o'  it,  an'  climbin'  up  it  the  way  he  wud  do  a 
rope.  Why,  I  «aen  thim  niesilf ,  yer  honour  1 


Simple  when  you  know  It. 

On  board  an  ocean  steamer  a  gentleman 
wished  to  help  a  lady,  who  was  of  an  inquir- 
ing mind,  to  comprehend  the  principle  of  the 
steam  engine.  This  is  how  he  cleared  away 
all  difficulties: 

"  Why  you  see  ma'am,"  quote  he,  "  its  just 
one  thing  goes  up,  and  then  another  thing 
comes  down,  and  then  they  let  the  smoke  on, 
which  makes  the  wheels  go  round.  That's 
what  they  call  the  hydraulic  principle.  It's 

?uite  simple  when  you  know  it. "     ' '  Law  me, 
never  understood  it  before!    But  then,  I 
never  had  it  properly  explained,"  replied  the 
fair  listener. 


Licking  a  Man  Softly. 

Two  men  met  on  Sixth  street,  near  High, 
the  other  day,  and  both  stopped  and  looked 
hard  at  each  other.     Then  one  said : 
'Jim,  I'm  going  to  lick  you." 
'When?" 

'Eight  off — now." 
'I  don't  believe  you  can  do  it." 
'Then  I'll  die  trying.    It  shall  be  a  fair 
fight." 

"Very  well." 

Then  one  took  out  his  false  teeth  and  laid 
them  on  the  fence,  the  other  hung  his  new 
hat  and  overcoat  on  a  picket,  and  the  first 
observed : 

'  'Be  careful  of  my  left  leg,  Tom.  I've  had 
aboil  there." 

'  'All  right ;  and  you  look  out  for  my  right 
ear,  as  it  is  sore  from  neuralgia." 

At  this  moment  a  policeman  happened 
along  and  warned  them  against  raising  any 
row,  and  one  said : 

"All  right,  Jim;  I'll  lick  you  next  week." 
"I'll  be  there,  Tom.     Good-bye." 


Boiled. 

"Gustus,"  said  a  fond  wife  to  a  brute  ot 
the  period  at  dinner  the  other  day,  "would 
you  like  to  be  cremated  when  you  die." 

"  Nup— I  prefer  to  be  boiled." 

"Why  dearest?' 

"Because  I've  had  enough  burnt  meat  in 
my  life-time." 

She  went  home  to  mother. 


108 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


An  Earnest  Appeal. 
That's  a  rib-tickling  story  which  they  used 
to  tell  out  in  Missouri  at  the  expense  of  its 
once  famous  Governor,  Claiborne  F.  Jackson. 
Before  he  solved  the  enigma  of  love-lock,  he 
had  married  five  sisters ! — in  reasonable  lapses 
of  consecutiveness,  as  a  matter  of  decency. 
After  one  wife  had  been  lost  and  appropri- 
ately mourned  he  espoused  another,  and  he 
kept  his  courting  within  a  narrow  circle  of 
his  own  relatives,  for  he  rather  liked  the 
family.  Some  of  his  predilections  v&re  widows 
ere  he  again  transformed  them  from  Niobes 
into  willing,  if  not  blushing  brides,  but  it  was 
all  one  to  the  conquering  Benedict. 

The  antiquated  father  of  these  girls  was 
quite  deaf.  Not,  perhaps,  as  deaf  as  a  post, 
nor  as  Tom  Hood  hath  it, 

Deaf  as  the  definite  article"— 
neither  quite  as  deaf  as  a  miser  usually  is  to 
the  entreaties  of  poverty ;  but  certainly  deaf 
as  a  man  who  has  been  wedded  for  half  a  cen- 
tury to  the  same  women  has  every  right  to 
be. 

When  the  governor  went  to  this  octoge- 
narian to  ask  for  his  surviving  daughter,  a 
conversation,  thus  faithfully  reported,  en- 
sued: 

'  Pop,  I  want  Lizzie !" 
'Eh?" 

'  I  want  you  to  let  me  have  Eliz-a-beth !" 
'Oh,  you  want  Lizzie,    do  you?     What 
for?" 

'For  my  wife!" 
'  For  life  ?" 

'  I  want — to— marry — her!" 
1  Oh,  yes !    Just  so !    I  hear  you  boy." 
'  I'm  precious  glad  you  do  1"  muttered  the 
governor. 

"Well,"  slowly  responded  the  veteran, 
"you  needn't  holler  so  that  the  whole  neigh- 
borhood knows  it !  Yes ;  you  can  have  her. 
Claib.  You've  got  'em  all  now,  my  lad;  but 
for  goodness  sake,  if  anything  happens  to 
that  'ere  poor,  misguided  gal,  don't  come  and 
ask  me  for  the  old  woman !" 

Jackson  solemnly  promised  that  he  never 
would.  — Judge. 

The  Joke  was  on  Dr.  Depew. 

When  Chauncey  Depew  is  out  of  the  way 
some  people  like  to  have  fun  with  him.  Wall 
street  men  are  now  telling  of  his  alleged  ex- 
perience on  the  way  over  to  England  this  last 
time.  Every  evening  a  dozen  or  so  clustered 
in  the  smoking-room  to  tell  stories  and  yarn 
about  things  in  general.  Every  soul  save 
one  in  the  party  kept  his  end  up.  The  one 
exceptional  member  of  the  party  did  not 
laugh  or  indicate  by  even  a  twinkle  of  the 
eyes  and  interest  in  the  funniest  jokes,  and 
was  assilent  as  a  door-knob  at  the  best  stories. 

This  conduct  began  to  nettle  Dr.  Depew  and 
the  other  spirits,  and  when  the  final  seance 
came  around  they  had  lost  all  patience  with 
the  reticent  and  unresponsive  stranger.  Dr. 
Depew,  the  story  runs,  was  selected  to  bring 


him  to  terms.  They  were  all  comfortably 
seated  and  in  came  the  stranger. 

"See  here,  my  dear  sir,'*  said  Mr.  Depew, 
"  won't  you  tell  a  story?" 

"  I  never  told  one  in  my  life." 

"Sing  a  song?" 

' '  Can't  sing. " 

"Know  any  jokes?"  persisted  Mr.  Depew. 

"No." 

Mr.  Depew  and  all  were  prepared  to  give  ft 
up  when  the  stranger  stammered  and  hesitat- 
ed and  finally  made  it  known  that  he  knew 
just  one  conundrum. 

"  Give  it  to  us,"  said  Mr.  Depew  and  the 
others  in  chorus. 

' '  What  is  the  difference  between  a  turkey 
and  me?"  solemnly  asked  the  stranger. 

"  Give  it  up,"  said  Chairman  Depew. 

"  The  difference  between  a  turkey  and  me," 
mildly  said  the  stranger,  ' '  is  that  they  usual- 
ly stuff  the  bird  with  chestnuts  after  death. 
I  am  alive." 


He  also  had  Rules. 

He  had  opened  a  restaurant  in  Buffalo,  and 
after  two  or  three  weeks  he  called  at  a  bank 
to  get  the  cash  on  a  small  check  received 
from  some  one  in  Philadelphia. 

"Have  to  be  identified,  sir"  said  the  teller 
as  he  shoved  it  back. 

"But  I  am  Blank  of  the  new  restaurant 
around  the  corner." 

"Must  be  identified." 

"This  is  payable  to  me  on  order,  and  I've 
endorsed  it,"  protested  the  restauranter. 

"Can't  help  it,  sir.     Rules  of  the  bank." 

The  man  went  out  and  brought  some  one 
back  to  identify  him,  and  the  money  was 
handed  over.  Three  days  later  the  teller 
dropped  in  for  a  lunch  at  the  new  restaurant. 
He  had  taken  his  seat  and  given  his  order, 
when  the  proprietor  approached  him  andx 
said: 

"Have  to  be  identified,  sir." 

"How!     What?" 

"Have  to  be  identified  before  you  can  get 
anything  here,  sir." 

' 'Identified?  I  don't  understand  you,"  pro- 
tested the  teller. 

"Plain  as  day,  sir.  Rule  of  the  house  that 
all  bank  officials  have  to  be  identified.  Bet- 
ter go  out  and  find  some  responsible  party 
who  knows  you." 

' '  Hanged  if  I  do !"  growled  the  teller,  and 
he  reached  for  his  hat  and  banged  the  door 
hard  as  he  went  out. 


Scared  £,way  the  cat. 

"What  a  lot  of  bright  ideas  you  have," 
exclaimed  the  young  wife  admiringly  to  her 
husband. 

' '  But  I  haven't  such  bright  eyes,  dear,  as 
you,"  exclaimed  the  young  husband  to  hiss 
wife. 

And  then  the  family  cat  got  up  disgusted 
from  her  warm  resting  place  by  the  sitting- 
room  stove,  and  walked  solemnly  and  slowly 
out  into  the  open  air. 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


109 


It  might  be  her  last  Visit. 


FIRST  WIDOW—"  Wh\%  Mrs.  Verdant,  what  do  you  intend  to  do 
«rith  the  pail  ?" 

SECOND  WIDOW-" Well,  you  see,  my  poor  husband  requested  that 
his  jjrave  be  kept  green,  and  as  I  am  about  to  be  married  again,  I 
thought  I  would  give  it  a  coat  of  green  paint." 


"What  time  her    Husband 
got  Home. 

Mr,,  Losher  (4  a.  m.,  with 
shoes  in  hand  creeping  xip  the 
hall  stairs) :  Jewhitaker !  Thun- 
der and  General  Jackson ! 

Mrs.  Losher  (hanging  over 
the  banisters) :  Is  that  you,  love? 

Mr.  Losher:  I  should  say  I 
am  here,  if  pain  is  convincing. 
Who  spilled  these  tacks  on  the 
stairs? 

Mrs.  Losher  (soothingly; :  I 
did,  lovey.  I  wanted  to  make 
sure  at  what  time  you  got  home. 
A  little  bit  after  12  to-night,  isn't 
it,  dear?  

Sweet  Revenge. 

Voice  from  speaking  tube — 
"Help!  H-e-l-p!  I've  caught  a 
man  in  my  room.  Oh,  what 
shall  I  do !" 

Clerk  (to  himself)— "  That's 
that  funny  old  maid  in  49." 

Clerk  (through  the  tube) — 
"Lock  the  door;  you'll  never 
have  a  chance  to  catch  another.'* 


Cause  for  Divorce. 

I  came  aear  having  a  divorce  case  myself. 
I  was  waiting  at  the  depot  for  the  east-bound 
train.  I  was  going  down  to  Wall  Street, 
New  \ork,  to  see  about  some  securities.  A 
young  man  came  from  the  lunch  counter  and 
approached  me.  He  was  smoking  a  cigarette 
and  looked  effeminate.  He  said  to  me :  '  'Don't 

you  know "      "No,"    said  I,      "I  don't 

know,  I  am  a  stranger  in  this  place.  I  don't 
know  'any  of  the  parties ;  didn't  see  what 
happened;  don't  know  any  of  the  circum- 
--tcvueae,  and  don't  want  to  be  called  as  a  wit- 
ness." He  looked  up  at  me  in  somewhat  of 
astonishment,  and  reached  into  his  inside 
pocket  and  pulled  out  fifteen  dol — a  package 
of  cigarettes  with  a  picture  of  a  woman 
dressed  in  a  bathing  suit  and  asked  me  to 
take  one.  "No,"  said  I;  "young  man.  you 
may  not  know  what  you  do.  If  I  accept  the 
photogragh  of  the  tobacco  woman  at  all  she 
must  put  on  more  clothing.  Suppose  Angem- 
ima  should  find  that  picture  in  my  pocket. 
Oh,  no!  I  am  not  ready  fora  divorce  yet." 
Just  then  the  train  pulled  out  and  I  had  to 
go.  I  bade  the  young  man  good  by,  and  as  a 
parting  advice,  said  I:  "Young  man,  mind 
your  mother  and  stop  smoking. 


"  Of  two  evils,  Choose  the  Lesser," 

Mrs.  Lumkins:  Joshua,  I  am  going  to  the 
dentist's  to  have  a  tooth  pulled  out.  You 
mind  the  baby  while  I'm  gone. 

Mr.  Lumkins  (jumping  for  his  hat) :  Say, 
you  mind  che  baby  and  I'll  go  and  get  a  tooth 
pulled,  fou  know. 


One  of  Eli  Perkins'  Stories. 

One  day,  when  they  were  criticising  Dr. 
Bliss,  General  Sheridan  came  to  the  doctor's 
defense. 

"Dr.  Bliss  was  a  good  physician,"  said 
General  Sheridan.  "He  saved  my  life  once." 

"How?  How  did  Bliss  save  your  life?'* 
asked  Dr.  Hammond. 

"Well,"  said  Sheridan,  "I  was  very  sick 
in  the  hospital  after  the  battle  of  Winchester. 
One  day  they  sent  for  Dr.  Agnew,  of  Phila- 
delphia, and  he  gave  me  some  medicine,  but 
I  kept  getting  worse.  Then  they  sent  for  Dr. 
Frank  Hamilton,  and  he  gave  me  some  more 
medicine,  but  I  grew  worse  and  worse.  Then 
they  sent  for  Dr.  Bliss,  and " 

"And  you  still  grew  worse?" 

"No;  Dr.  Bliss  didn't  come;  he  saved  my 
life!" 

Not  a  Spendthrift. 

**  And  how  do  you  sell  you  smiles  ?n  as?ied 
Jones  of  old  Mrs.  Rougemup,  who  was  presid- 
ing over  a  tabJe  at  a  fancy  fair. 

*'  A  dollar  apiece,  sir;  for  the  benefit  ot the 
poor." 

"Well,  my  dear  madam,  as  it's  tor  a  good 
cause  you  may  give  me  fifty  cents'  worth'" 

On  His  Deiense. 

A  defendant  walked  into  court  with  an 
enormous  bludgeon  under  his  arm. 

Judge— What  have  you  brought  that  blud- 
geon here  for? 

Defendant — I  was  told  in  the  summons  to 
come  provided  with  means  of  defense,  1  first 
thought  of  bringing  my  ax,  but  then  I  thought 
this  would  do. — Charivari. 


NEW  YARNS  AND  FUNNY  JOKES. 


Saw  them  both. 


STTMWAY— "So  you  have  returned  from  Paris?" 

SAWNTEB— "  Yes." 

SuMWAY--"S;iw  the  Bois  de  Boulogne,  I  sup- 
pose?" 

SAWNTER— "  You  are  just  right.  And  the  girls 
too."—- Drakes  Magazine. 

Technical  Points  used  In  Poker. 

Age.— Any  gray-headed  player. 

Ante.— An  unpopular  relative  always  pre- 
sent at  games  or  poker. 

Blaze. -y-Some  thing  seen  when  four  aces  are 
held  against  a  Westerner  with  an  ace  high 
flush. 

Blind. — A  term  applied  to  a  man  who  don't 
Bee  you  playfully  steal  a  blue  chip  off  his 
pile.  In  such  cases,  keep  it. 

Call.— The  sudden  sense  of  duty  that  calls 
some  men  home  when  one  hundred  dollars 
ahead. 

Chips. — Ivory  or  bone  tokens,  representing 
a  fixed  vakie  in  money — or  "wind." 

Chipping,  or  to  chip. — Betting  money,  or 
*'  blowing  in  wind.  ' 

Discard.— Throwing  away  the  cards  given 
you  by  the  dealer,  and  playing  those  in  your 
boots. 

Draw. — The  act  of  drawing  a  player's  at- 
tention while  you  deal  yourself  six  cards. 

Eldest  Hand,  or  age. — The  oldest  baldhead 
present. 

Filling' — Working  the  decanter  often. 

Foul  Hand. — Any  hand  that  beats  yours. 

Frozen  Out. — Going  home  in  the  morning, 
quite  broke. 

Going  Better. — Going  home  with  ten  dol- 
lars. 

Going  In, — The  time  when  you  feel  sure  you 
will  win. 

Jack-Pots.  A  cross  between  a  turkey-raffle 
and  a  chicken-shoot. 

Limit. — An  imaginary  quantity. 

Pass— A  term  used  when  you  want  a  friend 
to  pass  you  a  heart. 


Say. — This  is  the  word  applied  to  the  re- 
marks you  make  after  a  four-hour  run  of  bad 
luck. 

Table  Stakes. — Where  the  man,  on  the 
dealer's  left  forgets  to  put  up,  and  you  play 
to  see  who  has  the  table. 

Marks  used  to  indicate  what  you  know 
your  wife  will  say  to  you  when  you  get  home. 
— Puck. 


The  Man  with  the  Coonskin  Cap. 

One  night,  a  year  ago  there  were  half  a  doz- 
en of  us  to  go  up  to  the  village  hotel  in  the 
rickety  old  bus,  and  among  the  crowd  was  a 
solemn-looking  old  chap,  dressed  in  very 
plain  goods  and  wearing  a  coonskin  cap.  It 
\\as  the  typical  village  hotel-landlord  in  the 
bar-room,  a  very  fresh  young  man  behind  the 
register,  mighty  little  for  supper,  and  that 
poorly  cooked,  and  there  was  more  or  less 
growling.  The  man  with  the  coonskin  cap 
was  treated  very  brusquely  by  the  clerk,  ai  cl 
the  frowsy-headed  waiter  girl  didn't  seem  to 
care  whether  he  had  anything  to  eat  or  not. 
He  didn't  say  much,  but  it  was  evident  that 
he  was  mad. 

After  supper  the  landlord  and  "Coonskin" 
had  a  private  confab.  When  it  was  ended 
the  old  man  came  down  stairs,  opened  the 
front  door,  and  then  turned  to  the  clerk  nr,d 
said: 

"You  git?" 

"What  do  you  mean!" 

"  I  have  rented  this  hotel.     Skip !" 

The  clerk  put  on  his  coat  and  hat  and  walk  j 
ed  out.  Then  "Coonskin"  sent  word  to  the* 
cook  and  waiter  girl  to  be  out  in  half  an  hour, 
for  the  hostler  to  be  gone  by  midnight,  and 
for  the  barkeeper  to  vacate  by  noon  the  next 
day.  He  kindly  allowed  us  to  stop  over 
night,  but  we  had  to  get  our  breakfast  at  a 
bakery.  By  noon  the  doors'of  the  ho+ol  -.\<  r» 
nailed  up,  siecns  of  "Closed"  posted,  and  as 
we  footed  it  down  to  the  depot  the  solemn 
old  man  thawed  out  sufficiently  to  observe : 

"I'm  after  seven  more  of  'em  along  this 
line  of  railroad,  and  if  I  can  shut  'em  up  the 
public  will  be  in  my  debt.  I  have  figured  it 
out  to  my  entire  satisfaction,  and  I  truly  be- 
lieve that  three-fifths  of  the  crime  in  this 
country  is  incited  by  poor  hotel  keeping." 

Infelicity. 

"Why,  Jones,  old  fellow,  you  seem  altered. 
Don't  things  work  well  in  double-harness?" 

"Oh,  yes,  Smith;  only  my  wife  is -sulky 
sometimes." 

"Well,  that  comes  of  being  saddled  to  a 
wife.  But  I  hope  there  is  no  serious  breach 
in  the  family." 

"No;  but  I've  found  the  check-rein  ever 
since  my  bridal  day,  and  I  don't  like  it  a  bit." 

"I  thought  I  saw  traces  of  trouble." 

'  'Yes,  a  little.  What  galls  me  is  the  wag- 
gin'  tongue." 

'•Yes,  I  see.  Fm  sorry  for  you.  It's  my 
o  'inion  that  a  man  is  best,  sir,  single.  Ta  taJ" 


"«/I    JTJEW*    JPJRMCTICJIL,     WORK." 

"  KNOW  THE  LAW  AND  AVOID  LITIGATION." 

PAYNE'S  LEGAL  ADVISER 


Is  a  new  epitome  of  the  Laws  of  the  different 
States  of  our  Union  and  those  of  the  General 
Government  of  the  United  States,  and  will  be 
found  invaluable  to  those  who  are  forced  to 
appeal  to  the  law,  as  well  as  to  the  large  class 
who  wish  to  avoid  it.  The  whole  is  alpha- 
betically arranged  so  as  to  makc'ilSTere'Iice  to  it 
easy.  The  author  in  preparing  this  work  has 
taken  especial  care  to  lay  down  the  rules  of 
Law  of  every  day  use  and  importance,  without 
the  use  of  technical  expressions,  and  in  such  a 
manner  as  to  be  readily  understood  and  prac- 
tically applied  by  persons  who  have  given  no 
attention  to  the  study  of  law. 


NOTICES  FROM  THE   PRESS. 


T'ae  Legal  Adviser. "  Mr.  Payne  has  made  up 
a,ver7  good  volume,  in  which  id  to  be  found  what 
.unest  everybody  wants  to  know,  and  which  is 
understandable  by  persons  who  have  given  no  at- 
tention to  the  study  of  the  law.  Nine  people  out  of 
ten  know  no  difference  between  executors  and  ad- 
ministrators or  what  are  the  responsibilities  of  com- 
mon carriers,  or  what  is  a  contract  or  what  a 
delivery.  Apart  from  the  useful  character  of  legal 
adviser,  it  has  its  particular  interest.  There  are  the 
various  State  exemptions  from  levy  and  sale  on 
execution.  At  the  conclusion,  what  is  of  great 
general  interest,  the  laws  in  regard  to  patents,  the 
forms  to  be  employed,  are  all  given.  The  book 
commends  itself  to  general  use,  having  quite  every- 
thing one  wants  to  know. — New  York  Times.  March 
17th,  1890. 

"  The  Legal  Adviser  "  has  just  been  published  by 
the  Excelsior  Publishing  House  in  this  city.     It 


gives  in  brief  and  intelligible  language  the  various 
laws  of  the  several  States  of  the  Union,  and  of  the 
general  government,  concerning  the  making  of 
wills,  the  construction  of  contracts,  and  the  conduct 
of  business  affairs.  It  will  be  found  very  useful  as 
a  work  of  reference,  and  will  answer  questions 
which  arise  in  many  a  bank  and  counting  house 
almost  every  day  of  the  year. — New  York  Journal  of 
Commerce,  Jan.  24th,  1890. 


"  The  Legal  Adviser,"  by  F.  M.  Payne,  New 
York,  Excelsior  Publishing  House. 

This  volume  is  intensely  practical  and  valuable. 
It  is  an  epitome  of  the  business  and  domestic  laws 
of  the  several  States  of  the  Union  and  those  of  the 
general  Government  of  the  United  States.  In  fact 
it  makes  every  man  his  own  lawyer,  and  should  find 
an  abiding  place  in  every  office  and  household. — 
TJie  Albany  Sunday  Press,  February  3d.  1890. 


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